Cant stand my partner's friends

[WondererWanderer]

Name changed for this.

How do you cope and what do you do if you literally can't stand some almost of your partner's friends?

I'm not just being completely nasty. He has a lot of friends who take advantage of him and use them to do things for them, feed their cat. While they re away on holiday, etc. But then the feeding the cat turns into a long list of tasks left in the house, such as watering the plants and garden, and he actually does it.

They all seem quite burdensome.

My view is I say nothing about his friends because that is only likely to drive a wedge between the two of us. Maybe let him realize this on his own, as he does complain about it.

Sadly you can’t pick and choose who he is mates with. If he wants to help his mates out (even if you see it as/ it is taking advantage and so does he) then that’s up to him.

You can put your point across (nicely- ie not telling him he’s a mug) that you think he’s being taken advantage of, but it’s his choice to make at the end of the day.

But if you keep going on about it when he’s made it clear he wants to continue the friendship- even if his friends annoy him- you are correct that it will drive a wedge inbetween you.

I haven’t always liked my partners friends for a similar reason. I put forward my thoughts before once or twice, and I’m happy to entertain the discussion if he wants to talk about how he feels taken advantage of and repeat my thoughts then. However he is an adult man and he is valid to make his own choices RE the friendships. I don’t go on about it regularly.

Let him realise on his own.

Yes I thought as much. I haven't said anything about these friends.

I'll let him come to the realisation on his own. As he was complaining, pretty loudly about having to pet sit again.

I won’t think those things are by necessarily taking advantage of someone. My neighbour and I do this kind of thing for each other. Friends help each other out. I guess the question is whether they would do the same for him if he asked?

There's a lot more to it than that.

She wouldn't do the same for him and he doesn't ask favors of her. It's a frequency with which it needs to be done.She's always away. He takes her out for lunches and meals.Because she's struggling on a low income. But then she's always away on holiday, requiring him to look after her cat. He actually said once, if I wanted a cat, I would have got a cat. I don't want a cat and now i'm always stuck with one.He said. Don't know why he doesn't just tell her a do one and pay for a cat sitter.

I did detect some resentment from her when we first started going out. Because she used to ask him to do things, and he d be like, actually, no.I m seeing my girlfriend now and I could tell she didn't like it.

We got stuck abroad once as flights were cancelled due to high winds and he was due to be doing something for her that weekend while she was away and she was harassing him with messages making sure he'd be back on time. He may not have been and what if he wasn't.It's her life and her pet.

She's not the only friend like this, he does seem to have quite a lot of hangers on I call them. So many friends just use him when they want something he said it isn't reciprocal.

I do just leave it and let him come to his own realisation. That this woman is using him, and if her circumstances were better he wouldn't see her for dust.

You don’t sound very loving or caring towards your partner. The problem isn’t that you don’t like these people, the problem is that he’s being taken advantage of by them. If you care about him wouldn’t you try to help him see that, instead of just shrugging your shoulders?

Are all these users female?
My ex had 'friends' like this when we first got together. I wasn't convenient at all and they were vile to me for ages.

I wouldn't bother, he's either completely wet or was hoping to get his leg over before you came along.

My DH had one of those friends, she was a fucking nightmare. I’d be very tempted to tell him he drops her or you’re over. She is never going to be happy that you are with him and will expect him to continue to do shit for her and be at her beck and call. You need a serious conversation about the fact she is taking advantage and is probably a narcissist. Sadly I didn’t discover Mumsnet properly till 10 years in but had I had the language to explain her we both would have benefitted. I stood my ground but it was a shit show (she’s dead now so silver lining and all that, and no I’m not joking, plus never missed her once) and I wish I’d issued an ultimatum in the early days and laid down some boundaries.

If I do that, he'll call me jealous.

Yes all of these friends are female. I i get the impression that these women had the benefit of a single man to do things for them for many years, because he was single a.While before he met me.

They suddenly lost access to the single man to do stuff for them.

And yes, I have raised it once before, and he's said, I m jealous and possessive. Which i'm not. In which case i'm not going to show him an awful lot of sympathy for this.

I'm just sick and tired of not even being able to go abroad ourselves, but for of these people, texting him about when he's back to do something for them. These are grown adult women.They are capable of looking after themselves and administrating their own lives.

they do not need him. He is not the only resource or friend that exists in their world.

That does sound very annoying. So if you point out that they’re using him you get called jealous, but you’re still expected to sympathetically listen while he moans about them? I would shut that down to start with.

I think in your shoes this would all annoy me so much I’d fall out of love with him and want to move on. You can’t respect him because he’s behaving like an idiot and making it clear he doesn’t care what you think.

You've pretty much summed up how I feel. It is beginning to affect my feelings for this.Because I m sick of it. Is this gonna go on indefinitely?Because i'm sick of it.

Most grown adult women that I know do not have a male best friend who they dump they're crap on. They get on with it like the grown adults, they are.

After the latest session of having to look after this woman's pet, he moaned about it.And that she left him a list of other chores to do including watering the garden. I just looked at him and said, brass neck. He carried on going how annoying it was.And I just shrugged.

I am not jealous of these friends.I am just sick of how they encroach on my life with him. I wish he would realise that if these women's life circumstances were better, they wouldn't be around him. They're only around him because they want something, and he's useful.

Maybe next time he starts moaning about a chore he’s doing for one of them just say, “yes, she’s using you and yes that’s very annoying for you, and no I don’t want to hear any more about it because it’s boring.”

It sound like the payoff he’s getting at the moment is feeling like he’s important to lots of women, and then feeling extra important because he likes to imagine that being important to them makes you jealous. If you make it clear that it’s tedium and pity you’re feeling, not jealousy, maybe he’ll start to see things differently.

Ahh your update makes me think it’s not worth the hassle. He enjoys being needed by all these women and doesn’t care about you enough to stop. Walk away!

Och, it's the price he pays for having a harem, and he presumably is happy to pay it. When they call you jealous, it's always a harem.

Bin him off. It won't get better. He'll keep on complaining to you about them, and to them about you, too.

And maybe start planning fun stuff to do either with other people or on your own, that he won’t be able to join in with because he’s promised to feed some random cat, and maybe the payoff he’s getting will look less worth it to him. At the moment his commitments are impacting you too much and you could change that part.

But honestly if he can’t figure this stuff out for himself that’s not a great sign.

I’d walk away. He was enjoying being needed by these women when he was single, & if he really resented their requests he’d have walked away by now.

He’s having his proverbial cake & eating it. A girlfriend whom he gets to accuse of jealousy, who’s simply pointing out the reality of the situation. Meanwhile he has his ego boosting bunch of women who ‘need’ him.

So I’d end it. Not because of the practical side of things, but because of what it says about him as a person. He’s not prioritising his relationship. He seems to enjoy being a martyr because it has a good pay off for him - look how much all these women need me? He has double standards: he can moan about the situation but you can’t.

Deeply unattractive.

Oh I did that last time. When she was harassing him about feeding her cat when he got back.We weren't seeing each other that weekend because we just been on holiday.

I had a fun activity with a friend planned 1 day and the next day. I had another activity with a friend planned for lunch and something else and he was stuck alone.Feeding the cat

He actually texted me to tell me he missed me. I bet he did. I'll just leave him to it.I don't wanna hear about these women anymore.

It doesn't seem like it's the friends that are the problem to me, it's your boyfriend.

He could easily say no to any and all of these requests, but he chooses not to. Why is that? He's not getting an equal and reciprocal friendship from them, so he must be getting something else instead.

Assuming he's not a complete and utter doormat (which is unattractive in itself), then he's enjoying the ego boost of having hangers on. He's been doing nice things for these women for years in the hope that they'll one day see the light and shag him, and not even the fact he's now got a girlfriend has stopped that behaviour.

If you like him enough to persevere in the hope he wises up then I’d keep doing what you are doing - refuse to be limited by his agreements to do these tasks - if you want to do something, do it with someone else. Also to respond to the jealousy accusation - jealous? Are you joking? It’s a point of pride that I don’t let people take advantage of me like you do. I feel sorry for tou.

I think you are handling this all wrong, even if your analysis is basically correct.

On the one hand, if you have lost respect for him- then just walk away.
On the other hand, is he a chronic people pleaser?

There does seem to be ways of asking a question to tease out the dynamic he is experiencing with these women - without having to say either that they are CF users or that he is a mug. And that seems to me to be the real issue, that the conversation seems to be you escalating and him getting defensive, rather than you reflecting back what he is saying and getting him to think how it could be different.

How do you suggest I get him to think differently.

Throw it back at him every time. Next time he starts moaning just say lightly things like

‘You did choose to do this, darling’
’I’m off to the beach. Enjoy looking after the cat’
’But that’s your choice. Why did you say yes if you didn’t want to do it?’
’Ha, you love being a knight in shining armour, don’t you? With all your damsels in distress’
’Ahh Well, maybe you can come next time if you don’t have to feed the cat again’

Make it clear that he’s making the choice, nobody is forcing him, and he can quit at any time.

“You seem exercised about this, what’s going on for you about this?” with the follow up “what do you think you’ll do the next time?” maybe an “do you think it’s fair or being a good friend to just throw in those tasks without saying?”.
There are loads of ways to do it without a side order of sarcasm.

I would also think carefully about how to reply to the jealousy accusations: in my own case the answer would be “look, I’m finding accusation of jealousy so off the wall that you are going to have ti explain what exactly you think it is I might be jealous of? Like literally what?”

Do you mean exercised or something else? Sorry

Immediately post divorce I dated someone like this for a few years. Had a harem of women who needed his help and attention, a few of whom he’d had things with in the past, all his ‘very dear friends’. When I expressed dissatisfaction he called me jealous and crazy….basically he was unfocused and not giving me enough emotional attention for it to work.

Though he framed himself as ‘such a nice guy’ he was just doing it to satisfy his need to have a lot of attention and connection, but for it all to be uncommitted and diffuse. The kind of man who could never go all in and made up for it with this behaviour.

It’s only when I got out of it I realised how unpleasant and selfish it is. Remember, some people have a kink to be used, and this is just the emotional version of that. They call it white knight syndrome.

p.s. And can you guess how he’s acted since our breakup? Yes. Messaging me all the time with overdone touching concern about day to day things — ‘I’ll proofread that if you like?’ I was thinking about your house conundrum’ — to try and keep me bonded into the harem. Now that I’m neutralised and he’ll never have to feel truly deeply/give me something real, that is.