Cant stand my partner's friends

[WondererWanderer]

Name changed for this.

How do you cope and what do you do if you literally can't stand some almost of your partner's friends?

I'm not just being completely nasty. He has a lot of friends who take advantage of him and use them to do things for them, feed their cat. While they re away on holiday, etc. But then the feeding the cat turns into a long list of tasks left in the house, such as watering the plants and garden, and he actually does it.

They all seem quite burdensome.

My view is I say nothing about his friends because that is only likely to drive a wedge between the two of us. Maybe let him realize this on his own, as he does complain about it.

What i dont get is that my guy complains about this one woman in particular. Incredibly he said whilst we were away she's only buttering me up as she wants something.

He knows she's a user and he does it anyway

Do you ever reply to this guy?

Oh it’s a woman. Are you uncomfortable that she might have feelings for him or maybe he likes her?

Sometimes, he’s very hard to get away from, as he’s networked into my friends.

‘She’s only buttering me up because she wants something’ — my ex was meticulous about keeping tabs on the transactional details of his friendships, too. They keep an internal ledger book, the idea being that if they do enough good deeds all these women will uphold the public idea he’s a ‘good guy’ and maybe even owe him whatever in the future. It’s a habit of seeing relationships as a series of credits and debits that a lot of people pleasers have.

The post should be titled ‘I don’t like the way my partner conducts his friendships’. And you’d be right.

No because they've known each other for years. If anything was going to happen it would have done by now.

I dont get the friendship they appear to have nothing in common.

Funny he doesnt act that way with me. He's harsher

I think I'd just answer all the moaning with "so, are you going to do anything differently next time she asks?"

You could also suggest he pairs up two who need cat sitting, so they can do it for each other instead of him doing both - so he can provide a solution long term, which might appeal to his image of himself.

Yes, exercised meaning to be thinking a lot about something, worried.

@WondererWanderer ‘Funny he doesn’t act that way with me. He’s harsher’

That’s interesting. Mine was like this too, quite mean at times even though for a while I was completely in love with him and I am not a transactional person. Look at his relationship with his mother, would be my hint!!!

He seems quite close to his mum.

Waht would be warning signs to look for.

He sounds like a people pleaser. What's his relationship like with his parents / other family? Does he drop everything at their beck & call as well?

Oddly no. His parents are elderly and they are pretty self sufficient. His elderly parents cope better with life management that this mid 40s young woman with a sodding cat.

Maybe he has knight in shining armour syndrome then.

How long have you been with him?

Over 2 years

Because he already got you.

I'm pretty sure that it is no coincidence that all these parasites are women.

I'll bet they are all also relatively attractive women that he might consider fuckable. Are there any unattractive old women in that lot?

I dont want to be bitchy ...but actually no. These women aren't lookers by any standard and all have multiple problems and inadequacies which mean a relationship won't come easy.

Yup knight in shining armour syndrome, he’s addicted to the fix. Being their hero. Honestly for your own sanity walk away.

Weirdly they're all unattractive old(er) women. Not a pretty much younger one in the bunch.

Very similar to my experience . He refused to drop her though. She even had plans from beyond the grave as she had left him her house and put a clause in to say if he gets married his wife is to not benefit from it. Seems weird how common these clingy over-entangled friends seem to be.

Being older and objectively unattractive doesn’t mean he doesn’t enjoy the attention.

Sorry if you’ve already said, but how long have you and him been together

This isn’t really relevant, some guys enjoy attention whatever the age and physical attractiveness: nothing makes a guy feel more masculine than helping a damsel in distress even tho yanno they aren’t really

I don't think I know any men who do have good boundaries with their friends. They all seem to be happy to be used and tossed aside. Like you've said, he likes being mr hero. Are you actually keen on him? I'm not sure he'd give up being everyone's go to person

How old are you both ?

Do you live with him, if not you're probably part of the harem.

Harems only ever get bigger until they die.

Early 40s. Dont live together. Been 2 years.