Cant stand my partner's friends

[WondererWanderer]

Name changed for this.

How do you cope and what do you do if you literally can't stand some almost of your partner's friends?

I'm not just being completely nasty. He has a lot of friends who take advantage of him and use them to do things for them, feed their cat. While they re away on holiday, etc. But then the feeding the cat turns into a long list of tasks left in the house, such as watering the plants and garden, and he actually does it.

They all seem quite burdensome.

My view is I say nothing about his friends because that is only likely to drive a wedge between the two of us. Maybe let him realize this on his own, as he does complain about it.

Ah, OP, you've got yourself a white Knight!

Always around to help the damsels in distress he's surrounded himself with.

Bluntly, it isn't going to change unless he actively decides he wants it to because it meets a need in him. You've already said he complains so he isn't completely unaware the need it meets in himself is greater than the annoyance he feels.

These aren't friends. These are women who are using him and he, in turn, is using them for what he gets out of it.

I nipped another friendship of his in the bud. He seemed to be getting close to a woman at work with loads of problems and it had progressed to them, having lunch or something to eat after work to discuss her problems. He was saying that he takes no.Pleasure in it, but he's doing a good deed.

I told him I was uncomfortable with it, and if he doesn't even like it, it's a bit disrespectful to her to go begrudgingly. He said, well, she doesn't need to know that. I don't get it. He doesn't enjoy it.I m not happy with it, and if the woman knew he wasn't happy with it should be embarrassed and not want to go but he doesn't see that.

He was a bit pissed off with me and said, can't I make any new friends but they're always women. I'm just not putting up with him starting yet another friendship where he's just going out and listening to all her problems. At least he took this one on the nose and said, okay, ill just fob her off.

I'll give you an anecdote from my own experience.

I have a very close male friend who I met when we were both single. We spent a lot of time together and I suppose it became an ersatz relationship of sorts. Minus sex - we were just really good friends.

He met a woman and went on a couple of dates with her. He told her about me. She was uncomfrtable with the nature and closeness of our friendship and said she didn't want to pursue a relationship with him. He was surprised but I said I compeltely understood and why and we put boundaries in place that hadn't been there or necessary before.

Our friendship has changed but we are still close. And he has now been in a relationship with a lovely woman for coming up to 3 years.

The point is that my friend wanted a relationship and I'm an actual friend so knew the nature of the friendship had to change. These women are not friends or they would feel similalrly.

I don't get it. He doesn't enjoy it.I m not happy with it, and if the woman knew he wasn't happy with it should be embarrassed and not want to go but he doesn't see that.

And that's what I meant about the women and him using each other.

It meets a need in him so he continues with it even if he isn't happy because what he gets out of it is more important to him.

To be fair to him, he has made a lot of changes. He used to speak on the phone to a very old friend of his, who had some significant problems in her life, every single weekend. Well, he's with me every single weekend now.So either he doesn't do that at all, or he does it less frequently or on another day. But this is a friend he's known since school age.

When I was going through something in my own life, which was hard and he knew needed to provide support to me. He did actually tell this woman and her cat to do one. He said, no, because he needed to be with me. Because of what was going on with me.

I didn't want to say this as it's potentially more outing but this woman does also have a child. No it's not his before you ask. But that's not a situation he would want to get himself involved in he's never wanted children. I am sick if this woman swanning off with her kid and dumping him with her house admin.

So he has the capacity to put boundaries in place then? He's just choosing not to.

Seriously, OP. This is who he is and it's what he's going to do. He does what he wants.

It's up to you whether you want to he in a relationship with this man but, if you do, you're going to have to accept that he does this.

FWIW, I wouldn't put up with it but I'd have ended it. I wouldn't expect him to change.

I'm already distancing myself from it.Im just leaving him to it. I'll just go off and enjoy my own life.And he can sit around feeding that woman's cat.

Distance yourself by ditching him!

I wouldn’t want to continue to date a man who behaved like this with multiple other women, even if his surface motivation for his behaviour was positive and he was great in other ways. It causes too many problems.

It sounds like you hope you can coach/change him - not a good path for you.

Also the title of your OP should be ‘can’t stand my partner’s behaviour with other women’

Who are you the thread police?

😂no

Who are you, the police of old and new female friends of your boyfriend?

I don't think this man is telling you the truth.

You only see him at weekends and holiday with him.
Not entirely sure you're his primary partner.

Regardless of the white knight syndrome, it appears you are in a pick me dance, he sounds more devious than you think.

The woman with the cat, has he ever lived with her ?

With all due respect you can get rid of your dp too but probably won’t

Painful as it may be, time to end the relationship. Simply you are incompatible.

Please don't be nasty about the cat, the innocent party in all this.

With all due respect he is feeding a neighbours cat not looking at screen shots of twenty year olds from dating websites.

That is vile behaviour. I would not put up with that.

Oh sod the bloody cat. What is it with mumsnet and pets. They're considered to be more important than children.

I'm in his house every other weekend. The other weekends he is in my house and not with her. I've met this woman and her family several times.
I met all of my partner's family and spent christmas with them.

Yes, i'm sure he's never lived with her. I'm not that stupid. It's not the case that i've never been a part of his life or allowed to come to his house.

But you never see one another in the week.

Do you have children op.

To be fair I’ve been in a four year relationship and we only see each other weekends

Twice in the week.

No kids

Yes all of these friends are female. I i get the impression that these women had the benefit of a single man to do things for them for many years, because he was single a.While before he met me

That's not a coincidence I'm afraid.

He's doing all these things as he's scared of offending them or cutting ties, thereby damaging the potential of future relationships or shags with these women. That's just ,and very unattractive in a man to be leaving the door open on so many women in this way. I bet that if one of them came onto him he'd absolutely love it or reciprocate.

I'm guessing all of these women are vaguely the same age as him and reasonably attractive as well?