Cant stand my partner's friends

[WondererWanderer]

Name changed for this.

How do you cope and what do you do if you literally can't stand some almost of your partner's friends?

I'm not just being completely nasty. He has a lot of friends who take advantage of him and use them to do things for them, feed their cat. While they re away on holiday, etc. But then the feeding the cat turns into a long list of tasks left in the house, such as watering the plants and garden, and he actually does it.

They all seem quite burdensome.

My view is I say nothing about his friends because that is only likely to drive a wedge between the two of us. Maybe let him realize this on his own, as he does complain about it.

Sorry to say but two years really isn’t much in the grand scheme of things. You are still young and if you aren’t happy, you should move on. Were you married or anything before you met him?

If you don’t live together I’m guessing you only see each other certain days or weekends? He should definitely be putting you first then, rather than helping out his mates. He can do that in his own time when you’re back at home.

id be annoyed if my boyfriend of two years spent our time together constantly helping his mates.

If you don’t live together I’m guessing you only see each other certain days or weekends? He should definitely be putting you first then, rather than helping out his mates. He can do that in his own time when you’re back at home.

id be annoyed if my boyfriend of two years spent our time together constantly helping his mates.

Well, they're objectively unattractive to OP. Which may not be so relevant. How many cases do we see here where a man cheats with someone who is not as objectively attractive as the wife?

In any case, yes, he clearly enjoys the attention, and no, he isn't going to give that up.

I have an older rich friend who kept complaining about how a couple she knew were constantly asking for money. I met them and my god, they were WORKING the room. They laid it on so thick with my friend, they schmoozed all over her, and she was beaming. They were a charming, beautiful pair of con artists. I talked about it later with my friend and she agreed that they were grafters. I said, "So in exchange for them making you feel good, you'll put up with their attempts to pluck you and you'll occasionally throw some money their way so they keep trying with you." She said equably, "Yep, that's pretty much it."

That's the deal your partner has made in his head, OP. It's a deliberate choice. You need to decide whether that is acceptable to you.

Sorry yeah I should’ve said “objectively unattractive to OP” that is what I meant lol.

@sameshizz damn that’s next level! I’d sort of made a peace with her before she died, but at one point I was banned from the funeral (she was never a well person). But it was quite tragic really there were maybe 15 people at the funeral (mostly family), she was only mid 40’s. Everyone who didn’t know her personally thought the sun shone out of her, everyone who was closer knew how “difficult” she could be.

@Pashazadewas she a lot older than him? I really can’t fathom the dynamics in my situation . She’s about 15 years older . Although he wasn’t exactly sure how old his ‘best friend’ is. Can’t figure out if he’s just too nice or there is something going on between them . Either way it’s not normal or healthy , and I’d say the same (actually I’d be even more creeped out) if he’d had such a co-dependent friendship with a man.

@sameshizz she was I think the same age they met at college. But she played the you owe me game/card a lot. His emotional immaturity at the time was definitely an issue and he didn’t have many friends at the time. (We didn’t meet till after Uni) so yeah, I think she was a grade A narcissist, that plus someone who likes to feel useful equals disaster. Even her family accepted how difficult she was, another friend walked away and her father told her not to chase them because he could see the damage she did, although they were an odd bunch themselves, if nice enough people as long as you didn’t get on the wrong side of them! An age disparity would have felt very wrong though!

Yeah, we see each other every weekend. But when she's away and he's looking after her pet, then I have to go to his for the weekend seeing as we take turns anyway, I guess it's not so much of an issue but it's annoying.

But when she starts texting him, when we re still on holiday, sorting out her bloody animal, then I start to come undone. Can't she just leave him alone and administrate her own life. If she can afford holidays, she can afford a cat sitter.

His friends aren't the problem.

Bet he tells them YOU are awful too.

You sure he's actually even 'cat sitting'. And not just shagging her and lying to you.

Harem women arn't friends they are women who accept crumbs, often paying for male attention in one way or another.

Agree with @ThoseEyes

The texting would really annoy me too. Why’s he texting when you’re away?

I think he needs some boundaries with them, if he’s spending the weekend with you he needs to tell them “I’m with my partner, so I won’t be able to do much sorry” in advance. Sounds to me like if it’s a female one messaging when you’re both away or together then it’s one who isn’t happy about you guys dating. He needs to nip it in the bud now.

it’s beginning to sound like a him problem even though his friends do sound selfish

How can he shag her when she's abroad hence the cat sitting

Is she actually abroad?

Because we were delayed by flights coming back abd she was on at him.about her cat

Yes. I've been in his house and he's popped over to feed the fucking cat

Presumably his friends - like normal people- book holidays weeks if not months in advance. Why can’t they ask someone else? Next time one asks him, and it’s during a weekend, I would be suggesting he says no. Frankly I would not be entertaining someone who kept putting female friends over me when I only saw him once a week. Maybe that’s harsh but there it is.

He lives the closest I think.

The friends aren’t the problem, your dP is. He’s letting these friends walk all over him (and enjoying it). Maybe he feels valued by helping them, or by doing so ensures he’s part of their gang.

As others have said, he needs to put in boundaries and stop responding g to their beck and call. He needs to prioritise you and not them. Otherwise it does like there’s three (and a cat) in this relationship.

Out of curiosity, does dp feel the need to reply to every message? If you went out for a meal, or was watching a film at his house, what would happen if you asked him to leave the phone in the other room, or switch it off. Could he do that?

So???? They likely have neighbours or family, even if he’s the nearest friend. Or yanno they could pay someone to house sit.

Complaining and whinging to you, and not having the courage to speak up and tell these “friends” the truth, is the very unattractive behavior of someone who is so weak, they’ll stay stuck. He complains because he sees himself as a victim, when in reality, has he said no?

some people have the habit of being the victim. Complaining, gossiping, criticising, and whining are all the behaviors of people who aren’t going to make changes when they don’t like something.

this isn’t a good thing. It’s an enormous red flag. If he has an issue with you, do you think he’ll man up enough to communicate to you clearly, or will he follow this cowardly pattern and gossip, whine, complain, and then simply criticize you?

because that’s how this shit shows up. This isn’t a capable or strong person. He’s a whiny helpless child who wants other people to fix things for him, and who won’t take responsibility to speak up and communicate.

I wouldn’t try to build any sort of future with this kind of person.

My DP is friends with a complete fucking douche who’s like 37 but preys on women in their early 20s and sends DP screenshots of these women’s dating profiles and instagram pages. I fucking HATE their friendship but I have to accept there’s nothing I can do about it. They’ve been friends for decades, bros before hoes and all that. Infuriating.

There's nothing you can do about their friendship, but you can get rid of your d p.

You actually want to be in a relationship with a man who says bros before hoes and is happy to receive screen shots of women in their twenties?