Page 5 | Is OLD as hard for men as it is for women

Beanfry · 2025-07-03T05:52:49+00:00

I keep reading about how OLD is a cess pit for women, that there are no good men out there. But are men finding it the same in reverse, or are there really 100 women to every good man? starting to think about dipping my toe back into the dating world, but the stories of how bad OLD is is putting me off. For context i turned 40 last week, so my dating age range would be 37 - 45

InterestedBeing · 03/07/2025 14:57

My current boyfriend says it was worse for men. We met on online dating

When we sat down and deleted, all profiles, when we decided we were going to persevere with the relationship and wanted to be together. And stop dating, we both deleted online, dating in front of each other.

He saw that I had over a hundred matches on my online dating. He said, men never get that many and they get about ten to twenty. This was tinder. He said with online dating men most of the time have to pay to see their matches because they get far fewer than women.

arethereanyleftatall · 03/07/2025 15:13

You having hundreds of matches and him not many, isn’t actually an indication @InterestedBeingthat OLD is worse for men. It’s an indicator that men swipe on everyone and women are more selective.

InterestedBeing · 03/07/2025 15:14

arethereanyleftatall · 03/07/2025 15:13

You having hundreds of matches and him not many, isn’t actually an indication @InterestedBeingthat OLD is worse for men. It’s an indicator that men swipe on everyone and women are more selective.

If you want to split hairs. Its harder for them for that reason. So they have to pay to see who has swiped on them.

Ribecx · 03/07/2025 15:15

It's equally hard for different reasons.

Kumquatzest · 03/07/2025 15:29

I have read that more men tend to join dating apps than women, so there's a surplus of men and the less desirable ones inevitably get left on the shelf. Night clubs limit the number of men that can attend in order to achieve a balance between men and women, but dating apps don't. They're also pushed by the app developers to pay for premium features in the hope of getting a match, which seems a bit scammy and predatory.

TwistedWonder · 03/07/2025 15:35

InterestedBeing · 03/07/2025 15:14

If you want to split hairs. Its harder for them for that reason. So they have to pay to see who has swiped on them.

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So do women. I couldn’t see who swiped on me unless we matched.
I had 100’s of likes but no idea who they were

ZoggyStirdust · 03/07/2025 15:37

OneLemonGuide · 03/07/2025 14:55

Obviously I’m generalising, but I think women tend to want to date “up”, and have a partner who’s at least as successful and solvent as they are, in a way that men just don’t.

That’s a challenge for attractive women with great jobs. First, there’s only a small pool of men who are the right status (let alone looks and personality), and second, and this is the killer, rich successful men tend not to want a rich successful woman, even if they are attractive… they prefer someone who is less career driven and has more time and energy to devote to supporting them in their life and work.

Is that fair? No, but it doesn’t mean it’s not the reality.

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I’m not sure about this. Me and my close mates could be considered “successful”. We’ve all
actively sought out partners who are the same. We all wanted an equal partner in life, not a supporter.

I know anecdote does not equal data. Just my experience

TwistedWonder · 03/07/2025 15:45

OneLemonGuide · 03/07/2025 14:55

Obviously I’m generalising, but I think women tend to want to date “up”, and have a partner who’s at least as successful and solvent as they are, in a way that men just don’t.

That’s a challenge for attractive women with great jobs. First, there’s only a small pool of men who are the right status (let alone looks and personality), and second, and this is the killer, rich successful men tend not to want a rich successful woman, even if they are attractive… they prefer someone who is less career driven and has more time and energy to devote to supporting them in their life and work.

Is that fair? No, but it doesn’t mean it’s not the reality.

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As an older (50+) woman I’m not looking g for a man to look after me, finance me etc. I have zero interest in cohabitating ever again.

Me and my friends would just be happy with an equal partner who was happy to go on nice dates, few weekends away, holidays etc without living on each others pockets but seems that’s an impossible ask.

The men I encountered on OLD either wanted a replacement wife - the proverbial nurse with a purse or no strings sex - there was almost no middle ground.

OneLemonGuide · 03/07/2025 15:53

InterestedBeing · 03/07/2025 15:14

If you want to split hairs. Its harder for them for that reason. So they have to pay to see who has swiped on them.

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It’s a vicious circle… What starts as a smallish imbalances quickly gets worse…Men get fewer likes so they swipe more in the hope of getting likes… women swipe less because there’s a much better chance they’ll get matched with because men are swiping on everyone!

outdooryone · 03/07/2025 15:57

It feels like OLD is slowly winding down to me. That the pool of people out looking has moved into the real world, that perhaps the mix of folk left is towards the 'there is a reason you are still single' end of the spectrum. That OLD maybe attracts rather odd men.

Man here, currently trying to OLD but rapidly thinking I may just join a few more clubs locally or ask a few pals who they know is single, and see who I can meet that way...

That said, I have had a few dates, and three that I thought may be a bit more, but came to nought for various reasons, and I cannot say in a year that is a terrible rate of connections...?

arethereanyleftatall · 03/07/2025 15:59

It’s actually super mean to swipe right on everyone, especially as detailed below by twisted wonder, on some sites both sexes have to pay to see likes.

the poster below has detailed this as a ‘poor menz’ situation, but it’s the exact opposite!! At least they know that if a woman swiped right on them, it’s because they actually like them. This makes is harder for women because likes don’t mean anything.

as an anecdote, randomly I joined tinder today, not to view the men because I can’t care less, but for a friend who wanted to know if her bf is on there. Anyway, I have put the two obligatory photos up - both totally black shots showing nothing- and no info whatsoever, other than female. I had 100 likes within minutes.

outdooryone · 03/07/2025 16:01

100 likes on blank photo and profile? That is just freaky....

arethereanyleftatall · 03/07/2025 16:06

outdooryone · 03/07/2025 16:01

100 likes on blank photo and profile? That is just freaky....

Try it. It’s horrifying and shows precisely why women are increasingly choosing to be single rather than men. ‘I can’t care less what you look like, as long as you have a hole, and if you’re not showing your face because you’re attached and just want NSS, then even better.’

Cheesemas · 03/07/2025 16:08

User37482 · 03/07/2025 08:52

I think a lot of men lack theory of mind. They are extremely sex oriented so they assume women are too and in the same way (I like sex but if someone sent me dick pics I would automatically block, I don’t like crudeness). They literally can’t understand how gross the behaviour is to most women.

And this is why grindr is such a roaring success story.

MemorableTrenchcoat · 03/07/2025 16:10

arethereanyleftatall · 03/07/2025 16:06

Try it. It’s horrifying and shows precisely why women are increasingly choosing to be single rather than men. ‘I can’t care less what you look like, as long as you have a hole, and if you’re not showing your face because you’re attached and just want NSS, then even better.’

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Or, could it be that most men generate so few responses, for whatever reason, that they resort to swiping on everyone so as to maximise their chances? After all, everyone is always told that dating is a numbers game.

outdooryone · 03/07/2025 16:12

arethereanyleftatall · 03/07/2025 16:06

Try it. It’s horrifying and shows precisely why women are increasingly choosing to be single rather than men. ‘I can’t care less what you look like, as long as you have a hole, and if you’re not showing your face because you’re attached and just want NSS, then even better.’

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uurgh, so grim.
Makes me realise that I am so not like that - it just does not sit with me at all.

Tidekiln · 03/07/2025 16:15

arethereanyleftatall · 03/07/2025 16:06

Try it. It’s horrifying and shows precisely why women are increasingly choosing to be single rather than men. ‘I can’t care less what you look like, as long as you have a hole, and if you’re not showing your face because you’re attached and just want NSS, then even better.’

Show quote history

I dont think its that- they just swipe on any profile and then see what matches come of it, they arent actually paying attention. The desperate ones that is!

UnemployedNotRetired · 03/07/2025 16:15

If you're a woman you get to wade through hundreds of people you don't want.
If you're an average man you get very little.

IHE · 03/07/2025 16:24

Where women might be subjected to men sending them obscene pictures etc, I'm starting to get regular messages from women(?) asking to move chatting off the respective OLD app so we can "swap photos". Funnily enough their profile photos suggest that they are (to use someone's phrase above 😱) "out of my league" - ie at least 20yrs younger than me, highly educated (one had a PhD ... but apparently couldn't spell), and could probably pass as glamour models.
I dont mean to suggest these offences are directly analogous, but both genders have to contend with sexual impropriety.

Meanwhile, I've been strung along by a psychotherapist (who also taught psychotherapy) for a week, and then cancelled our 1st date at 2hrs notice, and then blocked my profile. You'd think a psychotherapist would know how not to be an arse. 🤣

Then there were the 114 "Likes" I had on one app from Nigeria, Uganda, and Thailand. Including one Ladyboy.

According to female friends (yes, plural), I shouldn't have any trouble meeting someone, but that's not my experience. So to the original question, is it as hard for men? Yes.

blackpooolrock · 03/07/2025 16:24

TwistedWonder · 03/07/2025 11:27

Three different tales of dreadful OLD experiences from 3 different male mates

One went in a date with a woman who said she was curvy - from her photos he thought she looked about a size 16. When she arrived her photos were at least a decade old and he said she much bigger - probably 20 stone+ - they went for a drink and she downed pints of Stella like water then fall off her bar stall.

Another went on a date with a woman who said she was 54 - and a woman in her late 70’s turned up with a walking stick. She’d used her daughters photos and then went mental when he told her he was going hiome, screaming ‘age is only a number’ across the car park and telling him he was an ageist bigot.

The final one was outside Liverpool Street and a stranger walked over and said ‘hi Dave I’m Julie’ (names changed obviously) and it was a completely different person. He said to her ‘you’re not the one in the photos’ and she shrugged her shoulders and said ‘well we’re here now might as well make most of it’ - no attempt to apologise or explain!
He said no thanks I’m out of here and got train home again.

Edited

wow... there are no words really.

blackpooolrock · 03/07/2025 16:28

arethereanyleftatall · 03/07/2025 11:37

@blackpooolrock
maybe I misread your tone, but you seem to have written your last comment as an insult. You are aware presumably that an ever increasing number of women are CHOOSING to be single as for them it’s preferable?

No it's not an insult, just thoughts. If woman want to be single why are they on dating sites?

I think its men who want to be single and don't want commitment, they want to play the field so to speak - which is why many of them are on dating sites. Granted a small amount of men will be genuinely looking for a partner but i think the bulk of them are playing the field.

arethereanyleftatall · 03/07/2025 16:31

MemorableTrenchcoat · 03/07/2025 16:10

Or, could it be that most men generate so few responses, for whatever reason, that they resort to swiping on everyone so as to maximise their chances? After all, everyone is always told that dating is a numbers game.

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But it remains an incredibly selfish thing to do IF you get a match, then look at the profile, and unmatch. That’s cruel.

SpiceDad · 03/07/2025 16:33

I've listened to a few podcasts on this subject. If you are a v good looking/tall man it is very easy apparently. For average men getting a like is very difficult.

AbsoluteBeginner1 · 03/07/2025 16:42

Height is a big thing - i went to a singles event thing and there was one tall bloke who seemed ok and i spotted him snogging the face off another woman there at the end of the night. However i got chatting to some women who had seen him before and said he was a player who basically goes to all these events because he always pulls. Nothing wrong with this - good idea really! I got chatting to some shorter men who were nice and said they never get a look in with online dating due to the height thing and that at least here, they would get a conversation going!

Re: men wanting someone earning less - i agree with the pp who said this is common. I know quite a few men who are earning relatively well and on online dating, have gone for say carers or people with minute Etsy businesses. I dont think men care about what a woman does.

GettingFestiveNow · 03/07/2025 16:48

Re: the 80/20 thing - I didn't spot the reference to that within the paper linked. The main takeaway from that one seemed to be that both men and women target people about 25% more desirable than themselves, which has pretty different implications.

Also, dating app companies have no interest in helping people find long lasting relationships. If you get married, you won't be their customer anymore.