Is OLD as hard for men as it is for women

[Beanfry]

I keep reading about how OLD is a cess pit for women, that there are no good men out there. But are men finding it the same in reverse, or are there really 100 women to every good man?

starting to think about dipping my toe back into the dating world, but the stories of how bad OLD is is putting me off. For context i turned 40 last week, so my dating age range would be 37 - 45

I was speaking to a guy I used to work with, he said quite often they have to weed through the sex workers, they aren’t always sure who’s genuine.

May this energy find me 🙏

Things that were a 'no' from me included:

• Cliches. Particularly any variation of 'long walk to a country pub with log fire for Sunday lunch'
• Poor English
• Poor punctuation
• 'Me and my horse' pics. The direct equivalent of 'man with fish'?
• Extreme body types
• Group pics - so which one are you? It was never the attractive one.
• Any sort of photo filter, eg cat ears
• Big lips
• False eyebrows
• Too many 'having a drink' pics
• 'Day at the races' pics
• Photos with children. Apart from them being entirely uninteresting, haven't people heard of safeguarding?
• Bad taste in interior decor (not a euphemism!).
• 'No cheats or liars'. As if that would stop them.

...and more, some of which have been covered in other posts here, eg 'No dramas' 😱

There was an article I read recently on this where they laid out all the stats. The conclusion was that the people who have the best time on (heterosexual) OLD are the "top 10-20% of men". They get a massively disproportionate number of likes and effectively have the pick of the women on there. They also don't have to deal with many of the horrors (dick picks, men who only want sex etc) that women experience on OLD.

Guys in the bottom 50% (by number of likes) get close to zero matches. It's basically impossible for them. The only way they'll get a chance is to pay for premium so they can boost their profile algorithmically.

However as PPs have said, men are significantly more likely to make terrible profiles and women are significantly more likely to use completely unrealistic/filtered photos. Women are swiping and finding nobody they like whereas men are dating and being disappointed.

Oh my god yes, so many horses!

Haven't tried it myself, but I suspect the horses and fish are for the same reason. People had previous partners who got fed up with these hobbies. So they want to put those activities up front and centre to avoid any partners who are against them.

Of course, it still suggests that the amount of time they spent doing those things was a problem in previous relationships, so this explanation isn't exactly a recommendation...

Women overwhelmingly prefer taller men. Not only that, but they generally insist on their man being taller than them.

I wish it were otherwise, but that's simply how it is.

Yep. I was always upfront in my profile about height (5’6”) but had a fair few who started chatting then ducked out once they asked and I told them.

tbh a preference is fair enough, no complaints. It’s more the not reading the profile that annoyed me a bit

One of the worst profiles I came across was a woman who used her wedding photos (with her husband) as her main profile photo and in the profile stated how well she got on with her ex-husband!

I have seen a lot of male profiles where nothing was filled in, but the same is true of many female profiles too.

Being bisexual I can see it from both sides, and it is very clear that if you are being chased by men (with female or gay male) it's quite easy as men do just swipe right on everyone, but then again they're in that position as women are more likely to only swipe on who has liked them first.

I don't think it's that deep 😃

Brilliant thread thanks @Beanfry

Can you link to any of these studies?
This gets trotted out all the time, but no one can ever back it up.

www.science.org/doi/pdf/10.1126/sciadv.aap9815

I found that asking men about their experiences of OLD was nearly as effective a filtering a strategy as eliminating the ones who sent dick pics.

I can confirm that men do indeed have significant problems:

Lots expressed anger about the amount of “stuck up” women who don’t respond to their messages ( “hi”)

They felt that the ratio of men to desirable women was 100:1

And apparently nearly all women lie by posting younger pictures of themselves to trick men into a free dinner.

My fiancé was on OLD for longer than I was and tells some tales. I think it is slightly easier, but he had quite a few issues: (obviously only have his word for this but he is not a derogatory person)

• someone who sent him a picture of her drinking lube on the second message
• A lot who were very aggressively sexual really early, sending body part pictures' when not discussed
• Someone who changed her facebook status to in a relationship with him after the second date
• Quite a few that the picture didnt match the person.
• Someone who he liked and dated for a while, first time he went to her house for a meal, she had rabbits that she allowed loose in the house and there were rabbit dropping everywhere
• Someone who called him Daddy
• Someone who lied about having children (she didnt have any!)
• Quite a few he felt just changed what they liked and their hobbies to just be the same as his

And probably a few more that I cant remember. He said the free sites were the worse. He was on eharmony when we met and he only had 3 months left and wasnt going to renew!

Interestingly those on the dating forums here (male) all found partners quickly. I think if you're fairly decent ie nice, decent job, presentable as a man, you'll meet someone. My ex went on a different date per week for a year (tall). However attractive women, great jobs, solvent, they seem to not meet decent men

I genuinely don't go for particularly tall men, although I admit I won't go for anyone shorter than me (5'7"). What I did notice, though, was that when I dated men close to my own height it would only last for a couple of dates, then they'd end it. I think it was them who wanted an ickle tiny woman who would make them feel all big and manly 🙄.

In contrast, most of my more successful relationships have been really quite tall men, and I did notice that they enjoyed, literally and figuratively, looking down on me.

I would like to reassure you that being fairly decent, decent job, presentable is no guarantee for meeting anyone!

It probably is true that 80% of men on OLD get nowhere. The premium subscriptions are only useful if you are seeking to meet men (the last spotlight I used as part of a subscription said "Well done you were seen by 14x more people", not a single like, so I got rejected by 14x more people!).

I know there have been complaints about Grindr being flooded with straight men, it's not a surprise in this climate as the men are not having any luck on straight dating apps. Personally I would much prefer a female partner, but I think I'll end up with a male partner as the dating scene just doesn't work for the majority of straight men.

I have a take on one reason, at least some of the time, that women are more choosy about who they date… (this is from my own personal experience)

1. If you have children, there is a high chance you have the children for more of the time than the other parent, meaning spare time is more scarce so “dating for numbers” doesn’t work because you just don’t have the time to waste on even going on a first date unless you think there might be an attraction.

2. As a woman, we want to feel safe on dates and therefore I prefer to build up a bit of a rapport with the person before I commit to a first date. I’m not talking about chatting for months on end, but I’ve had guys who have asked me out on a drink after one line of communication!

3. In many cases, again not all, women are better at supporting one another, we tend to have a better social circle and thus when we look to date it’s a “want” rather than a “need”.

I’ll add another point as appearances have been discussed a lot here too. When I first joint OLD 3 or so years ago (I have been on and off as regularly get bored and sign off!). I was 8 stone heavier. I would say I was approached then by men who were often less “conventionally” attractive but a lot more invested in having a nice conversation.
Nowadays, I get matched with a lot more “attractive” men, but the conversation is dire… probably because they have a flock of women to talk to so feel they don’t need to make the effort!

@GlassFanBan i guess im saying it feels like the bar has to be higher for women. I know quite a few stunning, solvent, decent women and all single. I wonder if OLD has just had it's day.

I do think the media has a lot to show for making women particularly think that regardless of what they bring to the table, the man should be a gorgeous Prince Charming type. However it just sounds like men have their pick.

I doubt it.
Think about it - is anything as difficult for men as it is for us??

I know quite a few stunning, solvent, decent women and all single

Yes I agree. And the blokes they seem to match with through OLD turn out to be single for a very good reason. One of my friends was dating a guy who had to ring his mum to help him change a lightbulb. He was 37.

Meanwhile I have a male friend who became single in the last couple of years, went on OLD and matched with an amazing woman in the first 2 weeks. They're now married.

@palmleafsinwinter

Completely agree your points. In my OLD days I lost count of the men who wanted to meet straight away citing ‘I don't do messaging so if you wont meet up immediately don’t waste my time’

Or after about 2 messages wanted to come over to mine or me go over to them. When I said I only do early dates in a public place like a pub or cafe I remember one saying I was accusing him of being a rapist.

And your point about single women having better social circles again is true. I have lots of friends for nights out, weekends away, holidays etc so a man is a nice to have not a necessity.
Whereas I’ve chatted to men who literally do nothing other than watch sport or go down the local. I remember one saying to me ‘can I come out with you and your mates?’ on about the third message.
And one I did go on a couple of dates with told me that my pre booked holiday in a few weeks would be the last time I went away with my friends because ‘now we’re together you should be doing that sort of thing’ - after 2 dates ffs!!!!

I gave up about 2 years ago and I don’t miss the nonsense

Obviously I’m generalising, but I think women tend to want to date “up”, and have a partner who’s at least as successful and solvent as they are, in a way that men just don’t.

That’s a challenge for attractive women with great jobs. First, there’s only a small pool of men who are the right status (let alone looks and personality), and second, and this is the killer, rich successful men tend not to want a rich successful woman, even if they are attractive… they prefer someone who is less career driven and has more time and energy to devote to supporting them in their life and work.

Is that fair? No, but it doesn’t mean it’s not the reality.