Is OLD as hard for men as it is for women

[Beanfry]

I keep reading about how OLD is a cess pit for women, that there are no good men out there. But are men finding it the same in reverse, or are there really 100 women to every good man?

starting to think about dipping my toe back into the dating world, but the stories of how bad OLD is is putting me off. For context i turned 40 last week, so my dating age range would be 37 - 45

I’d say it would make MOST women block. I’ve chatted to what appeared to be some normal, quite nice seeming men over the years only for them to suddenly drop a dick pic which put me off instantly and left me quite gutted that they’ve ruined our chat and completely depleted my interest in them just like that.

The only time I’ve ever known someone not to block is when I’ve been with friends and they’ve played along to wind up and ridicule the man. It never gets a good outcome either way in my experience, but then again I’m not a man so who knows what success they get out of it.

I’d guess that a lot of the time it’s less about sex underneath and more about a power move.

I gage to say as a woman I’ve never been chatting to a man, getting on well and suddenly thought ‘I know what will make this chat even better, a picture of my fanny’

Its just beyond me that they think it’s a good idea like we’ll go ‘oh now I’ve seen a photo of your cock, I’m jumping straight in the car - be there in 10’

Strange thing is you can work this sort of stuff out when you talk to them and see how they behave. There were clear players who were quite open about it and quite misogynistic in their conversations.

Are you saying that if a man behaves badly and talks poorly about women he may actually be decent?

Obviously the sleazy ones were bad, but you're also dropping in people who are boring with the messages, perhaps these ones may have more to say in person? Perhaps they're dull messages out of politeness?

I’m not just talking about men who aren’t great at messaging, it’s the ones who give one word responses, can’t string a sentence together or don’t engage in any sort of communication

For example the one who replied to my every attempt to get a conversation going ‘you’re gorgeous’ or ‘I really fancy you’ or the one who kept shoehorning ‘are you attracted to tall bald men!’ into every message.

Good communication is vital to me so if we can’t get a chat flowing then it’s not going to work.

Luckily in all my years of doing online dating on and off I've never once been sent a dick pic

You are lucky. I could publish a book of dick pics. It’s always going well I give it a while - then give them my number and wait with bated breath. Suddenly BOOM - cock pic. It’s v depressing

So these men were talking like players and talking misogynistic in front of the woman they were chatting to? And were you not busy having your own conversations with people, how did you hear all this?

And my question was how do you know the men that were left were actually decent men?

No the point is that they can come across as decent genuine men until the mask slips and they show themselves.

I think that goes for both sides....
But for me, that is the point of dating. Find out if there's chemistry, respect and compatibility, if you can practically make it work alongside pleasure and belonging.

But as a few have just said, it's like many want to either skip the slow bit and jump into bed, or are hiding significant personality and behaviour issues...

Thankfully I’ve only had that one but I’ve also had a bare arse reflection in a mirror selfie plus several where they’re wearing just a small towel or their boxers and they ask if I want to see more - funnily enough it’s always a no.

Even in a relationship I have zero interest seeing a photo of a dick - it really does nothing for me.

I imagine there's a minority of men who don't have enough experience with women to understand that men and women are wired differently.

Some men incorrectly think that women like the same thing that they like, such as nude photographs.

Yes, men struggle just as much. It’s a bit of a minefield.🤷‍♀️

I don't know why you are trying so hard not to believe this.

Some events I attend groups meet up before the start of the event, typically men stick together, women stick together. The intentions of these men become very clear, and a lot of people pick up on it.

It amazes me that when there are clear red flags you want to ignore them and likely think that they're actually decent men, but others who seem decent must actually be masking something.

Your still not answering my question- why are you so certain the men that were left were decent men?

As for women choosing the men they did maybe they were just up for a bit of fun and not anything serious. Maybe they realised there were no men there they wanted to pursue further but went off with the men they did just to carry on with a few drinks and have a bit of fun.

And all of this is completley different to OLD!

I've seen innumerable profiles for women saying exactly "ask me anything", "will fill this in later", "no drama wanted" and "must be over 6ft". Are they worthy of the same criticism - putting in zero effort?

Yep. I think if you’re serious, you should fill it out properly regardless of sex. Properly filled out profiles are almost as rare as rocking horse shit. Same as anyone who uses heavy or stupid filters like dog ears (I’ve seen men use these at 30+!) Utterly ridiculous! Dating apps need a total overhaul. The profiles need to get rated on how much effort and engagement they put in, whether they put effort into messages, turn up to dates etc.

Men using dog-ear filters? Now that does surprise me.
I agree rhe apps need an overhaul. Maybe you should only see as many profiles as you look at, receive no more likes than you send, and have to write a messahe befote you can read one. The only problem is (as others have said) the business model is predicated on customers thinking they can find a match but never actually having a reason to cancel their account. We are the commodity.

It’s quite rare that men use dog ears or teddy bear ears but I’ve definitely seen it a few times! I just think whyyyyy!? Why would you bloody do that? Grown women (especially past their very early 20s) using them is bad enough 😂. Maybe both sexes think it makes them seem more fun or something.

So true 100% shows how entitled they are.

Yes men use filters too and not always as obvious as dog ears.

I dont get what you mean by only seeing as many profiles as you look at?

The likes thing wouldnt be fair as then you would be forced to like people you didnt. Plenty men are very scary looking on their profiles. Plenty have not one single photo with a smile. Weird camera angles accompanying the stern/depressed faces. Then the ones who are topless or selfies in bed. Or wearing sunglasses in their bedroom!

Sounds like you might like hinge a bit more as people write stuff as part of their profile that you can reply to as your opener.

Everything is a judgement, surely?
I don't believe in love-at-first-site long-term-relationship-at-fist-sight anymore, and yes, I'm afraid I'd question the judgement of anyone who does. If folk want one night stands, or FWBs or are swingers, good on 'em - I kinda wish that worked for me but it doesn't. Even I was on Feeld or FabSwingers, I'd be wary of someone who wanted to get in my pants having known me for just an hour.

FWIW I'm over 50 and have been "lingering on OLD" for 18 months since my divorce, have had only 5 dates, only one of which didn't want a 2nd date, and the only one that I wanted to see again couldn't make time in a month.
Is it hard for men? From personal experience, hell yeah.

I've not tried Hinge. I'll have a look.
Match, OKC and Bumble all have the opportunity to write something for others to respond to. There's just no obligation to do so.

I was wondering what your age and relationship status was after she posted that! I did think it was a bit unfair to suggest if a man is decent and over 40 he must be in a relationship and not online. That's not right. A decent man over 40 could be single and online for many reasons including after divorcing a cheating wife. That wouldnt be his fault.

Yep , lots of female profiles have had little to no effort put in.