Therapist’s child interrupting during session

[CoupleTrouble]

My DH and I have been struggling for over a year. Last year, after I’d been to see a solicitor about a divorce, I agreed to couple therapy to see if we could salvage things/ have a more amicable separation. We’ve been meeting a very reputable relationship therapist weekly since then. She is a well known expert, holds a senior NHS post as well as a private practice and has written a well regarded book. I thought we were in safe hands and maybe we are and I am
over reacting to a one off emergency, hence this post.

We see her privately, online from our home and she is online in her home. She usually has breaks from work during school
holidays, half term etc. We have also said we can’t have sessions when children are at home. I work in healthcare, sometimes I work from home but not in school
holidays as I could be overheard and it would feel like a breach of confidentiality to my patients and also a safeguarding issue for my children to over hear. Some
of my work is with sex offenders, much more is with people who have experienced assaults, and I am also a survivor of sexual assault, it was many, many years ago, but I’m mentioning it as my boundaries may be unusually strict.

Yesterday was our last couple therapy session before a long summer break over the school holidays. Unusually we were talking about sex. It was a very adult conversation and I spoke freely, assuming it was just the three of us who could hear the conversation. Suddenly she said she had to come off the link for a few minutes but that we’d add a few minutes on at the end. When she reconnected the link she said one of her children had been stung by a bee. My DH and I were both quite surprised but both really understanding to her, checking if she was ok and if she was ok to continue. She said she would be responsible for that. We also both mentioned times that our DC have interrupted work. My job involves a lot of putting people at ease and I think I just went into that mode. We both expressed concern for the child who has been stung and were conscious that she might not have an adult with her. The therapist then said we’d have to end at the usual time, after having said she’d add a few minutes. To be honest as it was a hurt child, we were both totally fine with it. I think I was expecting her to reschedule the rest of the session after this happened but maybe that’s my expectations out of kilter.

Today I feel distinctly uneasy. Although my children have rarely interrupted my work, it has always been non clinical work, completely non patient facing, related to a totally different role in another organisation. I have had children off ill from school and either cancelled online clinics or my DH has taken a day off to look after them, and I’ve made arrangements to work from a different location. I’ve never had sole care of a child while also working in a clinical role. It would feel inappropriate. For context my DC are 11 and 14, so could be left on a sofa with a film but I wouldn’t in case they eg vomited or had a fever or needed me for something if they were off sick. I wouldn’t take them in to the clinic base while I did in person work, so I’ve applied the same rule for home and thought everyone does similarly.

I realise paid therapy is different but I had always assumed that her children are at school when we meet. I’m now feeling quite distressed that her child might have heard me talking about my sex life. It feels like a boundary violation and potentially a child protection issue to me. I have no idea how old her DC are, but definitely school age, from her age I’d guess not older teens but hard to be sure. I have struggled with some other aspects of therapy, in particular her neutral stance when we’ve spoken about things that feel deeply misogynistic to me and it’s made me unsure about how power issues and dynamics might be dealt with or avoided. Other than this, we have found her helpful to talk to, my DH more so than me.

Am I over reacting? I feel as if I’d like to write her a note but we don’t usually have any contact between sessions apart from the admin related to booking appointments and receiving the links. Please be kind, I feel quite shaken and know that my reaction may be disproportionate because of my own experiences.

The therapist is a professional but also a parent. In the situation you have described it sounds like an unavoidable interruption that requires no further action imo

She was unprofessional. She's at work in a clinical setting; it's no more acceptable to be interrupted conducting a session like that at home than if the child wandered into a consulting room IMO.

I think it's absolutely fine to raise this and want reassurance that your sessions are completely private.

But the OP thinks they have been unprofessional. They shouldn’t have sole charge of a child.

I suspect if you ask for clarification 1) there was another adult there, it was just a scary moment which is why they left to join the other adult and check the child was ok (maybe there was screaming?) and 2) there is no way someone else can hear what you’re saying, they are in a private room.

But I personally would also definitely want clarification on those points! I suspect she will be able to reassure you as confidentiality is taken very seriously (usually!!) by therapists.

I wouldn't be happy with that. A child should NOT be interrupting a therapy session. They shouldn't even be there. The therapist's mind wouldn't even be on the job or the conversation when she is dealing with that. Highly unprofessional.

On the neutrality- I think that's to be expected. She's not there as judge and jury, she's trying to help you (pl) work things out. Might be worth having some individual therapy alongside.

It's fine to check that your sessions are private if that reassures you, but she didnt do anything wrong here. Shes a human being. Ive had a lot of therapy and with many years of working with real humans comes times that sessions are interrupted - off the top of my head I can think of a time the postman wouldnt stop ringing her doorbell so she had to answer it, the time that she needed the loo mid session, the time when she had a coughing fit and had to refresh her water glass, a fire alarm, when all the power went off... people are human.

I don't think it's at all unreasonable to have an expectation of complete privacy during online therapy. It's really problematic and I know for me it would break the trust that a therapeutic relationship really requires.

It would put me off and I'd be talking to her and discussing if she could meet standards of strict confidentiality if her kids are in house while she's having online sessions. I would document this. She knew your expectations that no kids be there. She kept it from you that a child was there.

"We have also said we can’t have sessions when children are at home. "

Is she wearing headphones? Would she be willing to do a scan of the room with her camera?

Thank you. I don’t think there was another adult there, as the child came into the room that the therapist was in, or put a note under the door as when she reconnected she said the child had held a note up saying she had been stung by a bee. It made me worry that the child was in a hallway potentially over hearing.

But none of these are a child potentially overhearing adults discussing sexual difficulties. If I’d known a child was in the house, I wouldn’t have had that conversation.

In that case I agree it's unprofessional! I think you're completely within your rights to be quite worried about this and to raise it.

Not wearing headphones, no. I’ve just taken on trust that she’s working from a private room and can’t be overheard.

We are now not due to meet again until September, but it is helpful that others think I’ve got the right to check the privacy issues with her.

It’s odd that she didn’t seem to think it was a big deal; the kid is probably around quite often.

Is the counselling helping your marriage?

If you feel uneasy now, it probably won't change and you won't fully trust her when your sessions resume..Probably time to find a new therapist. Sadly though she does sound quite good generally. It's hard to find good therspists. There are lots of less than adequate therapists around. I had therapy to get rid of a mental block about lesrning to drive. She was good at first and I was really pleased. We made progress. Then after a few weeks she literally started nodding off mid session. It happened a couple of times and I began to feels like I was just being slotted in around all her other commitments. I really started to feel she was in it for the money. It was very disheartening. So I stopped going. Like I said, it's hard to find a good therapist.

I’m in the UK and schools haven’t broken up yet so it didn’t occur to me that there would be a child in the house, not least as we have had two week breaks over half terms when her DC and ours were off at different times.

I am not sure if it’s helping my marriage. I’m very unhappy in the marriage.

You might want to double check her privacy policies too and ask her to provide documentation of her security practices for her home sessions.

Both she and you can't be sure that your therapy session was secure from the child overhearing it. I personally would consider that a breach of privacy.

Headphones, lady!!!!

I had it where the therapists child actually walked in on my session. There are so many shitty therapists out there with shitty boundaries.

The way I'd see it as if her child is stung by a bee there's meant to be another adult supervising them and dealing with it. The therapist is on the clock. Working.

If she was working from a clinical office seven miles from her home she wouldn't be telling you about her child's minor medical issue?

Either you're at work or not. So you're right to think you shouldn't have a deeply personal sex therapy session interrupted by a childcare issue.

With respect I think this is a huge over reaction about the child interrupting. Therapists are human like everyone else. Sometimes this means juggling children alongside work due to unforseen circumstances. She dealt with the situation in a boundaried and respectful manner. Give her a break.

The therapist is a parent as well as a professional, that's true. The OP isn't questioning her parenting here though, she's questioning her professionalism and I'd say YANBU to expect that a therapy session is a) not overheard by children - or anyone - regardless of whether the content is sexual and b) uninterrupted, because therapy is a trust based relationship which requires rapport and where the conversation needs to be able to flow. a stop/start session doesn't facilitate this in the same was an uninterrupted session would

I don’t think you’re unreasonable to be a little uncomfortable and want reassurance the child can’t hear you. I think therapist is a bit unreasonable to have full sole responsibility for children when she is working (depending on age of the children). But also think your emotional reaction may be a bit disproportionate (calling it a child protection issue and your caveat that you don’t want any therapy if children are in the house are a bit over the top).

My home is large enough that I can be in my home office and have confidential meetings without being overheard. When my child was young, she would sometimes be in another part of the house under the supervision of another adult. It was a non-issue. I was at work and they were in the residential part of the house.

With something like a bee sting and my ASD child, yes, even my husband would have come and gotten me. If I was in a workplace, I would have gotten an emergency phone call. with some children that would be overkill, but some children have different needs.

Thank you. To clarify the child protection issue. I am concerned that a possibly primary school aged child has heard me speaking about sexual issues. If my children or their friends over heard such a conversation I’d feel I had failed to safeguard them adequately. I have often closed clinic windows so that children who walk past the clinic from school cannot overhear sensitive sexual matters and so adults can speak freely. I’ve locked clinic doors when doing speculum examinations while a baby clinic was happening so toddler siblings didn’t wander in. Those are my boundaries. I feel very uncomfortable with an adult conversation being overheard by children.

"She dealt with the situation in a boundaried and respectful manner. "

But she didn't. As a licensed professional, there are legal requirements and professional standards here. Neither she nor OP know if this session or other sessions are overheard. That is a big boundary breach and unprofessional.

OP made it clear that she did not want sessions occuring when there were children home. That request, a legitimate one, was not respected.

There is also the issue of time missed on the session by the therapist going to take care of the child and not adding on time as she had previously said.

OP went into work mode to make the therapist feel comfortable and that's not her job, that is the therapist's job and the therapist should have recognized that and steered back to therapy.

If it was me, I'd be documenting and possibly reporting to my state board if I didn't get some awfully good answers. That's how important confidentiality is.

I think that in some ways it doesn't really matter whether or not it's theoretically unprofessional - your confidence in her has been significantly damaged and unless you think her giving you reassurance about confidentiality etc would repair things, then it's probably better to find another therapist. It sounds as though you weren't completely comfortable with her anyway and that the issues you're discussing are so intimate that there's potential for "bad" therapy being traumatic in itself.

You don't have to do therapy you know. It's ok to decide that you don't want to be married anymore.