Therapist’s child interrupting during session

[CoupleTrouble]

My DH and I have been struggling for over a year. Last year, after I’d been to see a solicitor about a divorce, I agreed to couple therapy to see if we could salvage things/ have a more amicable separation. We’ve been meeting a very reputable relationship therapist weekly since then. She is a well known expert, holds a senior NHS post as well as a private practice and has written a well regarded book. I thought we were in safe hands and maybe we are and I am
over reacting to a one off emergency, hence this post.

We see her privately, online from our home and she is online in her home. She usually has breaks from work during school
holidays, half term etc. We have also said we can’t have sessions when children are at home. I work in healthcare, sometimes I work from home but not in school
holidays as I could be overheard and it would feel like a breach of confidentiality to my patients and also a safeguarding issue for my children to over hear. Some
of my work is with sex offenders, much more is with people who have experienced assaults, and I am also a survivor of sexual assault, it was many, many years ago, but I’m mentioning it as my boundaries may be unusually strict.

Yesterday was our last couple therapy session before a long summer break over the school holidays. Unusually we were talking about sex. It was a very adult conversation and I spoke freely, assuming it was just the three of us who could hear the conversation. Suddenly she said she had to come off the link for a few minutes but that we’d add a few minutes on at the end. When she reconnected the link she said one of her children had been stung by a bee. My DH and I were both quite surprised but both really understanding to her, checking if she was ok and if she was ok to continue. She said she would be responsible for that. We also both mentioned times that our DC have interrupted work. My job involves a lot of putting people at ease and I think I just went into that mode. We both expressed concern for the child who has been stung and were conscious that she might not have an adult with her. The therapist then said we’d have to end at the usual time, after having said she’d add a few minutes. To be honest as it was a hurt child, we were both totally fine with it. I think I was expecting her to reschedule the rest of the session after this happened but maybe that’s my expectations out of kilter.

Today I feel distinctly uneasy. Although my children have rarely interrupted my work, it has always been non clinical work, completely non patient facing, related to a totally different role in another organisation. I have had children off ill from school and either cancelled online clinics or my DH has taken a day off to look after them, and I’ve made arrangements to work from a different location. I’ve never had sole care of a child while also working in a clinical role. It would feel inappropriate. For context my DC are 11 and 14, so could be left on a sofa with a film but I wouldn’t in case they eg vomited or had a fever or needed me for something if they were off sick. I wouldn’t take them in to the clinic base while I did in person work, so I’ve applied the same rule for home and thought everyone does similarly.

I realise paid therapy is different but I had always assumed that her children are at school when we meet. I’m now feeling quite distressed that her child might have heard me talking about my sex life. It feels like a boundary violation and potentially a child protection issue to me. I have no idea how old her DC are, but definitely school age, from her age I’d guess not older teens but hard to be sure. I have struggled with some other aspects of therapy, in particular her neutral stance when we’ve spoken about things that feel deeply misogynistic to me and it’s made me unsure about how power issues and dynamics might be dealt with or avoided. Other than this, we have found her helpful to talk to, my DH more so than me.

Am I over reacting? I feel as if I’d like to write her a note but we don’t usually have any contact between sessions apart from the admin related to booking appointments and receiving the links. Please be kind, I feel quite shaken and know that my reaction may be disproportionate because of my own experiences.

Yes, I think it would.

Your therapist was incredibly unprofessional and if she is part of an organisation that regulates what she does then she should be reported.

It might be just a job for her but you are talking about your life and she appears to have no respect for that. Nor does she have any respect for your time or money if she can do you out of what you’ve paid for so easily. As you’re having a break anyway, I’d use the time to find someone else who behaves like they actually want to help their clients instead of just having a wfh job they think they can do around their children.

I think in light of the child interupting, I see your concern BUT...

she works in her home. You know that. I don't think you get to dictate that children are not in the house. Of course, those children should not be in a position to overhear the conversation and you should feel free to check that, but I would consider that a baseline of professional standards and it seems unlikely she's having these calls while her children are wandering around.

In terms of interuptions, I have had the odd moment where a child has interupted a private work call. They come in, in the same way that someone might have knocked and come in when I had an office, and I pause what I am doing to speak with them, on mute. I would only expect this to happen in an emergency - eg the time my child WAS vomitting and her brother came upstairs to tell me! I would not expect my children to be able to hear or listen in either case.

I think you are looking for problems where there aren't really any, particularly if you have found the sessions overall helpful and professional.

I'm sorry, but no. Therapy is different, it's not just confidential and private. It's not comparable to non psychological work. The therapist should not have XYZ going on in the background of a session. They should be completely and utterly physically and emotionally available, that is the entire point of therapy, to the point where it doesn't actually work without that.

@MageQueenI see what you are saying and of course you’re right that emergencies/interruptions can happen anywhere, but in your scenario where your children interrupted your call I’m assuming you’re not discussing clinical problems or talking to someone who was very distressed or talking about something deeply personal.

You don’t even know the age of the child or if there was another adult present.

You're welcome. This stuff isn't just having a chat with a mate, it's important for the dynamics to be correct or it doesn't even really work.

I think if it had been the postman, or something else completely out of her hands, maybe it could be repaired, but considering she knowingly didn't safeguard your therapy session, you are right to feel that's crossed a line.

Do you think with a better therapist you might be further away from the divorce papers than you are now?

I can understand your sensitivity both personally and professionally but I feel you are jumping to conclusions based upon scant evidence. All you know for sure is that your session was interrupted by a child related emergency. By all means ask for clarification of privacy and go from there but you do not have enough information to even question a possible child safeguarding breach. Could it be that you want out of the sessions and your subconscious is building up plausible excuses to jump ship? You don’t don’t have to continue if you don’t want to and not wanting to, is reason enough to stop.

You sound like you’re done and you’ve emotionally checked out of the whole enterprise, which is perfectly ok. My couples counselling changed from couples counselling to mediation with a view to separate, from one session to another. There was a point when I was sat there thinking, I’m done and I wanted to fast forward over the pointless mountain that was ‘us’ to get to the unknown but potentially fertile green fields of ‘me’. The poor horse had been flogged enough.

I think my subconscious was telling me the boundaries aren’t ok and several posters who understand that type of therapy have helped me listen to that.

The therapist sees separating couples as well as ones reconnecting, and we’ve had conversations about endings as well as about trying to make things work. Even if we had decided to end the marriage, we were going to continue working with her.

No, I think that the planned break and the unexpected interruption have really focussed my mind. Nothing has fundamentally changed. She said a few weeks ago that it felt as if we were at the beginning of the work, which set my alarm bells off a bit. I’ve felt I’ve given a failing marriage another year of my life, and been mostly miserable for that year. I don’t think that’s the wrong therapist, I think that’s just a broken relationship.

Does your husband think it’s worth continuing?

The interruption would have been completely avoidable if the therapist used childcare to ensure they would not be interrupted!

Yes, he has found it helpful but it has not changed how he relates to me. I still find him alternately interested in a relationship and then being hurtful, withdrawing or actively avoiding me almost immediately after we are a bit closer.

This why many companies are asking staff to go back into the office. When did it become acceptable for children to be in a position to interrupt a meeting/call of any type. I've had it while talking to someone about my pension investments and a child walked in while I was having a facial. I want someone giving me financial advice to be concentrating on me and my money, not their child. and I didn't appreciate being seen in just a towel by a 10 year old boy.

Childcare is there to avoid these type of situations.

Oh sorry, I misunderstood that bit! That’s fair enough on your part.

I just wonder if you'd have felt more seen throughout, for example if the misogyny had been addressed in more detail (I assume her neutrality concerning that means it didn't get flagged as particularly important, despite it clearly being important for you?) and her casualness about parenting at the same time as your last/long break session, whether you'd have felt more 'held' and attuned to (aka safe) you might have scraped through to the feelings that brought you together in the first place... Maybe. Maybe I'm putting too much faith in couples therapy, or therapy in general. If you are really bored and done of sifting through the wreckage with someone you don't like (and a mediator that you don't fully trust) though, you're probably less likely to get anywhere than if you just walked away.

A year of weekly therapy has probably cost you plenty, too...

I have had a lot of therapy and I completely understand where you are coming from here, the therapist should have had childcare in place imo.

In addition, I spent two years in couples therapy with my ex-h. It just put a sticking plaster over put relationship, it was never going to work. So if you feel that is you then I would seriously think about your next step

Completely unprofessional.

Tbf I don’t very much she would put her children in a position of being able to hear anything.
However, she should have an adult watching them, maybe she did and that’s who come and got her!

But if it was an adult who came and got her she wouldn’t have told me us that her child had given her a note saying the child had just been stung by a bee.

Thank you for your very kind messages. It was expensive (£100/ session) but the biggest cost feels emotional, as if I’ve opened up to someone and they haven’t been careful with what I’ve brought to them.
She sent her bill today and I feel weirdly irritated about it.

I have struggled with the misogyny and the way that has been glossed. There was one occasion where I spoke about how I felt sitting through some very sexist and public comments at my husband’s workplace social and had wanted to say something, because other women were clearly uncomfortable too. My husband basically told me to shut up and not embarrass him (I’m paraphrasing, he said this politely but was hissing don’t embarrass me, through his teeth). She reframed that as him having expertise in how to raise matters like that. It wasn’t a specific expertise he has, he just told me not to fuss and I felt I’d really compromised my values.

Later, we had a couple of individual sessions with her. In one of those she said she’d wondered if I had felt ‘betrayed in the sisterhood’ by her. I didn’t think it was something she’d ask if my husband had been there, and it made me really question how those kinds of power dynamics would be addressed, if at all. But I kept telling myself she’s the expert with all the credentials and brilliant reviews.

Plenty of working people are parents. It doesn't mean it's acceptable for their child/ren to actually interrupt their job. She should have organised childcare.

I wouldn't be impressed with this, and would be peeved at losing time from the session.

Reviews for therapy are tricky. Therapy requires the therapeutic relationship to be good, and not every therapist is a good match for every client, so reviews aren’t always a helpful indicator. Personally I would pay no attention to them

Betrayed by the sisterhood.

Christ she sounds like a twat.

I look after my grandchildren and sometimes their mum works from home. If I need to speak to her, I send her a text rather than going to the office door.