How to speak to a partner that doesn’t take criticism

[ThatGutsyCat]

I have been with my partner for 11 years and we have an 8 year old. She doesn’t work, does 100% of the cooking and 3/4 of the child care (including school parties etc as I work weekends as well as weekdays).
she is however very messy and doesn’t clean at all. I have no problem with the cleaning as I am a slightly OCD and actually enjoy it, I however hate tidying. I said to her I will do 100% of the cleaning, toilets, hoovering, dusting, cleaning the floors, everything, providing the place is pretty tidy and things are put back once they have been used. She agreed but still doesn’t do it.
For example a few weeks ago she went away for a couple of days so I decided I’d had enough and spent 3-4 hours cleaning and tidying the entire house. After I had 2 boxes of things of hers that I assumed she wanted to keep but I didn’t know where to put. I said to her when she came back on the Wednesday that she needs to go through them and put them away or throw them. A week later the boxes are still in the living room untouched. I got fed up and put both boxes in the garage. A few days later she wanted something from one of the boxes and got annoyed that I had put them in the garage even though they had sat there for a week. As far as I know they are still in the garage a few weeks later.
What drives me really mad though are things like when she cooks if something spills over she won’t just wipe it up right away, she just leaves it for me to clean the next day. Same with rubbish, she will open something and leave the rubbish on the worktop in the kitchen even though she has to walk past the bin to leave the room. I have been in the kitchen before when she’s cooking and seen her drop something on the floor and kick it to the side rather than just bend over to pick it up.
The real issue I have though is that I can’t approach her about it. The second she is criticised she becomes defensive and angry and sometimes tries to turn it onto me. If she brings up an issue with me however I’m expected to take it on board, which I generally do providing I think it’s valid. I’m not perfect obviously, I’m sure I do things that annoy her etc but this cleaning thing is making it really unpleasant to live in the house

I don’t know how to approach it with her in a way that she will actually take on board what I’m saying and not have it descend into an argument. I don’t think I’m asking a lot, aside from just putting things in the bin and cleaning up immediate messes like spills she won’t have to do any cleaning at all. It just feels really disrespectful after I have cleaned the house to leave things out and make more mess.
Sorry for the long rant! Just had to lay it all out!

It definitely sounds like she should be doing more if she doesn’t work.

To be honest it sounds like undiagnosed ADHD to me - the not seeing the mess, leaving boxes lying around, hating being criticised (it’s called rejection sensitivity dysphoria).
The problem is if you tell her to do something or criticise she will do the opposite.

I would try body doubling - so you both tackle cleaning up after cooking. Or you say things like - shall we both spend 10 minutes sorting this room out? So try and work with her rather than criticise.

Can you afford a cleaner? She may well work best under a deadline/pressure. So if she knows the cleaner is coming around one day she’ll feel some outside pressure to tidy for the cleaner.

I think if you are ocd about cleaning and tidying and she is very much not… it’s always going to cause some disagreements (and no one takes criticism well do they?!). Me and DH are the opposite really and sometimes we do argue about it. Mostly we both just accept how each other is.

the comment you made about not wiping up while/after cooking though…. YES!!

She does a decent amount in the sense that she makes me food, we prepare breakfast the day before and she’ll make mine, she works in the garden etc. but the things that I (and I assume most people) would see as the important jobs to do first she puts off or won’t do. I always get the impression she feels like she does more than she is. I remember in our old place she said once “all I do is clean”. The place was a tip lol. It was a very small and cluttered but still.

it’s funny you mentioned ADHD, she has said before she thinks she has it. I’m pretty sure she does. I think that’s the majority of the problem, if she finishes a bottle of water say she’ll put it down and wander off to do something else. She may have intended to put it in the bin but it doesn’t happen.

I have thought about that. We’ve done it before. I probably should try it again.

Sadly no, we probably could at a push but it would stretch us too far. I have wondered if what you said would happen though. It is exactly what she does when family is coming over for example. She’ll rush around and make it look ok. I’ve never understood it myself, I’d rather spend 20-30min a day than loads of energy rushing around for a few hours

It sounds like you're micro managing her. You've been together 11 years so perhaps it's time to accept her for who she is. You also seem to be underestimating what she does:

School admin
Clothes shopping/laundry
Child activities
Homework
Grocery shopping
Meal planning
Cooking
Gardening
And so on

I do accept that, disagreements will happen, it’s more how she reacts to it.
No one likes criticism but I think I generally take it well if they have a point, I don’t always take it well though obviously!
There seems to be no acceptance on her behalf though. For example I’ve started lifting weights again in the garage 3 times a week after being on again off again for a few years. She wants to look a bit better so I said she could do it with me. The other day I was spotting her while she was doing the bench press and her form was off. I forget what it was but it was something that could cause issues when/if the amount of weight she lifts gets heavy. She snapped at me and said “well how should I be doing it then, because I wasn’t doing it right before either” something along those lines. I think I got angry and said something like “if don’t want my help then just keep doing it wrong, if you do then I’m going to tell you when I don’t think you’re doing it right”. There was no argument and we were fine after but thats how she takes criticism. Even when she’s doing something new, that she wants to do she can’t take it. I wasn’t annoyed or mean when I pointed it out either. She doesn’t have very good self esteem so it could be self preservation type of thing, rather than accept the criticism she lashes out. I’m not painting a good picture here but she is very nice! lol.

The cooking thing I have never understood. I had to cook for a week or so a while ago after she had an operation and had trouble standing and I was cleaning as I went. By the time I’d finished and plated up it didn’t look like anything had been made.

Dont get distracted by ADHD v OCD; that doesn’t help.

I think partly that’s just married life!

How do you mean micromanaging? I don’t control anything she does, she’s the one in charge when it comes to the house on a day to day basis.

Yes and no. In terms of the gardening it’s the flower beds and vegetables she grows, I cut the grass.
But I have 2 days off a week during the week and after we’ve dropped off my daughter at school she will come back and watch tv, a lot. I’ll do my own things too, I’m not saying she can’t do that. But for example she will do the laundry, while the weather is hot she’ll hang it up outside. She’ll go and get it and put it in a laundry basket and that’s where it stays. There are currently 2-3 bags of clothes in the house.
The food shop is either ordered in or we both go.
Im not trying to downplay what she does I’m just being realistic. I do have an easy life, aside from work, cutting the grass, doing the food shop and now the cleaning I don’t have to do much. When I’m not at work the bulk of my time is my own. My work does mean I’m also able to do the school run with her everyday too though. I can do drop off and pick up 3 days a week and just one the other 2.

Im not saying she has to be a Stepford wife. I just don’t think it’s a lot to ask that she picks up after herself and doesn’t leave rubbish around…surely that’s not micromanagement, that’s just respecting your home and who you live with

How do you mean?

Yeah I think it is. Snapping etc happens, its just an example of when I’ve tried to help and she’s taken it as a critique.

@ThatGutsyCat I can't be bothered arguing with you. You seem determined to pick fault. I've given examples of other things your wife does to manage the household and you've found a way to dismiss them. She probably doesn't like the way you talk to her.

Marriages are about compromise and finding ways to work together as a family. You're focusing on the 3% negative and ignoring the 97% positive. If she spills something, clear it up if it bothers you and move on.

If she starts deflecting don’t get caught out! Practice using the phrase “we’re not talking about me leaving the seat up right now; we’re talking about your empty wrappers all over the sides”

Not at all, I acknowledged what she does but also acknowledged what she doesnt do, I’m being realistic, not picking fault.

I really don’t see what the problem is with me taking issue with her not picking up after herself. I don’t think you really know the scope of the problem.
Anyway, I appreciate your input. I’m not going to get drawn into an argument with someone online lol

Can you have a designated « random crap » box in the corner each room?

If her stuff is annoying you, just throw it in the random crap box- takes like three seconds. If she can’t find something then she knows it’s in the random crap box. Once the random crap box is full she has to empty it and put it away. Or once per week.

Speak to her about finding a solution that suits you both.

My Partners OCD makes me feel bullied in my own home. Everything has got to be about him. His standards.

He overrides decisions.I make about the cleaning and the tidying.

It's absolutely joyless, as I can't leave anything lying around as he ll pack it up in boxes and threaten to throw it away.

I'd imagine she would, have a very different story to tell than you.

She takes it as a criticism because it is a criticism. It's hell living under an ocd microscope.

I'm not even that untidy.

I understand what you’re saying. I certainly don’t bully her, I very rarely bring it up, that’s really the reason Im on here as I don’t know how to do it in a way that offend her.

She does leave things out which is a pain when it comes to cleaning. When I mean she leaves things out I mean she will take something out of a cupboard, use it and then just leave it on the worktop literally underneath the cupboard where she got it from. If it was just one or two things then fine, but she doesn’t put any of it away and it just builds up and the place is really messy. Not just for me, I do appreciate I have a higher standard, but its also messy for her as well as if I don’t go around picking up after her and cleaning after a week or so she’ll moan that the place is a tip, even though its all stuff she’s left out lol.
Then there’s the rubbish that gets left out. Being untidy I do understand, as much as it frustrates me, as I used to be really untidy before I moved out and lived with my parents. But leaving rubbish everywhere I really don’t get. Especially when she’ll walk past a bin but still just leave it on the side.

I do wonder if it’s because she’s never lived alone. When I first moved out I was on my own for 2 years, that’s when I started tidying and cleaning, keeping my place nice. She lived with her parents who did everything for her, like mine did, but then she went straight to living with me. Shes never been forced to be one that has to do it all

It’s the fundamental key to understanding what is going on here. If he understood her better (and vice versa) then the whole relationship would be better.

Why don’t you read up about ADHD in women OP? It presents completely differently to men. There’s a lovely instagram account called ADHD love where the wife has ADHD and the man is the loveliest most supportive husband and really tries to help her (she leaves loads of crap everywhere too).

Criticising her constantly will get you nowhere…

Who does house maintenance?
Shopping lists?
Bills admin?
School admin - emails, letters, diary keeping, taking to events, remembering all the bloody events?
Nurturing child’s social life?
Special occasion organising?
Clothes management - it’s herds when you have a growing child?
Rememvering everyone’s birthdays and then sorting cards presents, planning, invites etc?

My partner doesn't think he bullies me either. He was shocked when I suggested he did. But he does bully me and brow beat me in my own home.

You are the one with the problem. You see everything through an OCD lens and you think its normal

Gathering up all of your wife's belongings from an entire house and putting them in boxes for her to put away or they get thrown out...that isn't normal behaviour.

But he does bully me and brow beat me in my own home.

What does this look like? Can you give some examples?

Jesus, I could not live with someone like that. Poor you OP.

I wash up after breakfast and decide I want to put the dishes in the dishwasher from breakfast. It's my home, my kitchen, my dishwasher. He says it's wasteful to run a dishwasher for just that and I said I'll run it later when he's gone home and it has more dishes in it from dinner.

His OCD cant stand the thought of da couple of dishes that have only had pieces of toast on them being in the dishwasher for a few hours and overrides my decision and washes up for me. He uses gallons of hot water because of his OCD to wash a few dishes and slops it all over the side of the sink and the floor.

When I'm cooking he follows me and stands next to me to check I've set timers correctly and not undercooked food.

When I spray deodorant I try and do anything I can for him not to hear it. Because as soon as he hears it, he comes to wherever I am in the house and checks that I've opened the window to air the room out. He cant ever just trust that ive either done it or accept that I dont want to.

He overrides any decision making in my own home to make him more comfortable with his ocd. He doesn't see this as a problem.

I could go on but I feel under a microscope and that I have no autonomy in my own home.

If he started complaining that I had not put a book back on a shelf, put things away to his liking and he rounded my stuff up in boxes until I put everything away to his liking, I'd kick his arse out the door.

I think we may be living with the same man.

I dont live with this one.

How do you stand it?

Has anything worked to get him to back the fuck off?

Nothing has worked. He literally expects the kitchen to be tidy before I leave it - so serve up dinner and then clear the kitchen immediately. heaven forbid if I sit down to eat too.

If he’s in there whilst I’m cooking he will clear things away even if I’m using them.

and then tell me I don’t clear up after myself abc Hes the only one who dies anything in the house.

And on and on and on

From the man who refuses to follow a cleaning rota.

if anyone takes a shower theres moaning about steam and water and cost and mould and taking too long - HE doesn’t take longer than 5 minutes (no hair to wash or anything to shave) and frequently just strip washes…..

Same with the tumble dryer (but I’m also not allowed to dry on airers)