How to speak to a partner that doesn’t take criticism

[ThatGutsyCat]

I have been with my partner for 11 years and we have an 8 year old. She doesn’t work, does 100% of the cooking and 3/4 of the child care (including school parties etc as I work weekends as well as weekdays).
she is however very messy and doesn’t clean at all. I have no problem with the cleaning as I am a slightly OCD and actually enjoy it, I however hate tidying. I said to her I will do 100% of the cleaning, toilets, hoovering, dusting, cleaning the floors, everything, providing the place is pretty tidy and things are put back once they have been used. She agreed but still doesn’t do it.
For example a few weeks ago she went away for a couple of days so I decided I’d had enough and spent 3-4 hours cleaning and tidying the entire house. After I had 2 boxes of things of hers that I assumed she wanted to keep but I didn’t know where to put. I said to her when she came back on the Wednesday that she needs to go through them and put them away or throw them. A week later the boxes are still in the living room untouched. I got fed up and put both boxes in the garage. A few days later she wanted something from one of the boxes and got annoyed that I had put them in the garage even though they had sat there for a week. As far as I know they are still in the garage a few weeks later.
What drives me really mad though are things like when she cooks if something spills over she won’t just wipe it up right away, she just leaves it for me to clean the next day. Same with rubbish, she will open something and leave the rubbish on the worktop in the kitchen even though she has to walk past the bin to leave the room. I have been in the kitchen before when she’s cooking and seen her drop something on the floor and kick it to the side rather than just bend over to pick it up.
The real issue I have though is that I can’t approach her about it. The second she is criticised she becomes defensive and angry and sometimes tries to turn it onto me. If she brings up an issue with me however I’m expected to take it on board, which I generally do providing I think it’s valid. I’m not perfect obviously, I’m sure I do things that annoy her etc but this cleaning thing is making it really unpleasant to live in the house

I don’t know how to approach it with her in a way that she will actually take on board what I’m saying and not have it descend into an argument. I don’t think I’m asking a lot, aside from just putting things in the bin and cleaning up immediate messes like spills she won’t have to do any cleaning at all. It just feels really disrespectful after I have cleaned the house to leave things out and make more mess.
Sorry for the long rant! Just had to lay it all out!

I can relate to both sides of this. My ex and I divorced because of multiple simple disagreements that we just couldn’t resolve, anger, defensiveness etc. He may have ADHD, who knows. I do not have OCD, I am a bit messy and dislike cleaning and tidying but know it has to be done, especially in shared spaces. One example of our arguments being I felt disrespected when he left rubbish on surfaces, presumably for me to pick up behind him. To my mind this should have been solvable with conversation, consideration and co-operation, but anger, defensiveness etc got in the way. Things can deteriorate so you are both stressed and full of adrenaline which then prevents sensible discussion as stressed parties will fight or flee from the conversation, neither of which helps. It seems important to build positivity and connection in the relationship and find ways you can communicate about difficulties that make the other person feel heard. I’m looking at Bruce Muzik’s conflict cure which seems to have some useful content, he has a TED talks and other videos online. I think you’re wise to post for help as such simple clashes can kill a relationship if they go on day after day making you both feel bad. I hope you find a way to make things better between you.

Oh me too…it really helps our relationship thrive that constant criticism over the small things. (Like not putting the salt away!).

What I find is he focuses on the one thing I haven’t done. Rather than the 100 things I have actually got done that day…

Honestly you’ve mentioned not putting the salt away three times. In the grand scheme of life and being happy…does it really matter? The kids are alive and well, she’s cooked a meal…

I know you don’t get it. It’s how her brain works. I looked around my kitchen yesterday and there were a few things on the floor (I’d not noticed I’d dropped them or seen them). I felt I had tidied up but I got distracted. So a few things were also left out. I just don’t see them. At some point I’ll go back and do a blitz. Her brain just works differently.

She is the opposite of hyper focused and organised. Her focus will shift from one thing to the next without finishing what she has been focused on. And she will be disorganised. You are different. She can’t change this. She can use systems to help (alarms etc) but the small things - such as tidying everything up as she goes won’t change.

Could you try and focus on her good points? Rather than the fact she doesn’t put the salt away?! People with ADHD have brilliant brains, they can be very funny, have laser focus on certain projects, be very emotionally intuitive and fantastic judges of character. They can see things that other people don’t. They look at the bigger picture.

I think the best suggestion is if she works part time at least, you do the tidying either with or without her and then pay for a cleaner.

It really does sound like ADHD. Which means you both need to seriously learn about ADHD. The defensiveness can be a rejection sensitivity disorder that is highly associated with ADHD but could also be that she has spent her entire life being told she's lazy, crazy, stupid doesn't try hard enough. Also possibly vexed with herself that she didn't do the things. Hence over the top response. Basically to you it's just picking up after herself but to her it's invisible, impossible and biologically the chemistry in her brain won't allow her to. Hence either the sense of urgency or a quest or the body doubling is a good way to get the results . Also perhaps it's time to pursue a diagnosis ADHD is treatable with meds and or coaching to some extent but can be catastrophic for relationships, finances, work etc. good luck.

Seriously with a child at school and no job the list you present there is hardly a stretch

Agree, it's what working mums and dads with multiple kids do everyday.

I'd not cope with that OP, I'm not OCD but did go through a phase of tripple checking locks and light switches for a long time.
No diagnosis but forced myself out of it as it was ruling my life in a negative way.

Now I can cope with things being reasonably out of place, but what you describe would drive me potty.

As you say, you might have just needed a rant but as you're not married, if this bothers you so much now, I doubt it will get better.

Only way foward would be you being more accepting of it and for both your sakes, you need to be honest with yourself if you can live the rest of your life in such a way.

All relationships have deal breakers that may seem trival to others, but pushing stuff under the carpet only causes resentment.

I know I haven't answered on your AIBU as I don't know really, but maybe counselling might help.

You don’t sound remotely easy going OP if I’m honest . You may think you are but you aren’t if you are constantly criticising - you yourself sound like you have ADHD around tidiness and cleaning . Now I’m not saying you ‘don’t have a point’ but yes it will be perceived as nit picking /criticism - if anything bothers you that much - do it yourself- no comment

But she isn’t gambling.

And if my dh was doing something that was putting us at risk, or I was, we’d discuss it, as two equal, respectful adults. We’ve had occasions over the years where things have happened that the other wasn’t okay with, and had to have tough conversations. When that’s on a foundation of respect, care and genuine curiosity, it’s very different from one person being critical, of the other, or assuming that they’re right, and the other person just needs to change.

There’s a sort of dissonance for me when dh’s actions don’t tally with my experience of him as a loving, kind partner, and I guess the drive to try and make sense of his pov (and confirm that he is, in fact, still my lovely dh) is stronger than the desire to be right but married to a person who would do this bad thing. That second urge is natural, and very human and we all feel it, but pushing back on it, and finding your way back to each other is what builds a deep, long term connection.

I see that you’re saying that criticism might be too harsh a descriptor for what you’re doing, and I know it’s impossible to really express these things in a few paragraphs. And it’s also possible that she’s grappling with something like rejection sensitivity dysphoria (which is a common experience for people with adhd) and magnifying even mild criticism to painful levels.

I had to learn better communication skills - it absolutely didn’t come naturally, and my dps were only an example of how not to do it. The Gottmans offer brilliant advice and resources based on solid research if it’s something you’d like to explore. ADDitude is a good resource for understand adhd although the focus tends to be on parents with children. ADHD love is a lovely look at the chaos and compassion of loving someone with adhd.

Being MN, I think you’d have got different advice if you were a woman posting about a messy dh, though not necessarily better advice. But the principle stands that if something is happening in your relationship that you can’t live with, you can walk away. And often it’s better to call it quits, and find someone whose temperament is a better match, than to slowly erode another person’s self worth or try and shape them into something you’d like better. You both deserve to be happy and comfortable, and it’s not always possible to achieve that together.