How to speak to a partner that doesn’t take criticism

[ThatGutsyCat]

I have been with my partner for 11 years and we have an 8 year old. She doesn’t work, does 100% of the cooking and 3/4 of the child care (including school parties etc as I work weekends as well as weekdays).
she is however very messy and doesn’t clean at all. I have no problem with the cleaning as I am a slightly OCD and actually enjoy it, I however hate tidying. I said to her I will do 100% of the cleaning, toilets, hoovering, dusting, cleaning the floors, everything, providing the place is pretty tidy and things are put back once they have been used. She agreed but still doesn’t do it.
For example a few weeks ago she went away for a couple of days so I decided I’d had enough and spent 3-4 hours cleaning and tidying the entire house. After I had 2 boxes of things of hers that I assumed she wanted to keep but I didn’t know where to put. I said to her when she came back on the Wednesday that she needs to go through them and put them away or throw them. A week later the boxes are still in the living room untouched. I got fed up and put both boxes in the garage. A few days later she wanted something from one of the boxes and got annoyed that I had put them in the garage even though they had sat there for a week. As far as I know they are still in the garage a few weeks later.
What drives me really mad though are things like when she cooks if something spills over she won’t just wipe it up right away, she just leaves it for me to clean the next day. Same with rubbish, she will open something and leave the rubbish on the worktop in the kitchen even though she has to walk past the bin to leave the room. I have been in the kitchen before when she’s cooking and seen her drop something on the floor and kick it to the side rather than just bend over to pick it up.
The real issue I have though is that I can’t approach her about it. The second she is criticised she becomes defensive and angry and sometimes tries to turn it onto me. If she brings up an issue with me however I’m expected to take it on board, which I generally do providing I think it’s valid. I’m not perfect obviously, I’m sure I do things that annoy her etc but this cleaning thing is making it really unpleasant to live in the house

I don’t know how to approach it with her in a way that she will actually take on board what I’m saying and not have it descend into an argument. I don’t think I’m asking a lot, aside from just putting things in the bin and cleaning up immediate messes like spills she won’t have to do any cleaning at all. It just feels really disrespectful after I have cleaned the house to leave things out and make more mess.
Sorry for the long rant! Just had to lay it all out!

He sounds great!

Like you have already said it’s her reaction to what should be a conversation that’s a massive problem. Even if she has ADHD and got diagnosed what she needs to do is the same thing, which is learn tools and put things in place to help her.

My sister makes lists and has alarm reminders. A calendar in on her fridge but she also has linked her phone calendar to family so if we have things going on it’s there for her to see.

I follow a guy on YouTube called Jimmy on relationships. He does help with how to speak to a partner without it sounding like you are attacking.

I know a little about it but not a lot. I know it’s not on purpose but what doesn’t help is a lot of my job is sorting out problems for other people. Doing that all day and then coming home and having to sort out some things again can be a bit draining.

As you say though I don’t really get it no. I tend to be hyper focused and organised when I start something so the thought of not doing a small part, as in just putting the salt away after using it, seems odd to me.

I’m also not married :p lol

I just love being criticised me. Can't wait for dp to come home and tell me what I have been doing wrong all the time. It always goes really well.....

I haven’t no. But I think I do have it slightly. As I said above not really with cleaning and being tidy, that’s more me just liking it that way, but I am with checking locks and windows. Once/twice a week I have to lock up the building I work in. A while ago I had done the walk around, checking the windows and doors, set the alarm, driven off and suddenly I doubted that I had checked one window (even though really I knew I had). I had to drive back, unset the alarms, unlock the main door and go upstairs just to confirm what in reality I already knew, that I had checked it before I left the first time. Now I have to force myself to only each thing once, even then it’s hard. Once I’ve driven off it’s out of mind and it doesn’t bother me, but when I’m checking/have just checked it takes a lot of effort to not constantly check them over and over

I’m not sure why you feel entitled to criticise? It feels a bit weird to me in a relationship of adults to correct the other person. I wouldn’t criticise my dh and I’d definitely bristle a bit if he were speaking to me like a child.

There are things we both do that irritate the other, but we make an effort to focus on the things we appreciate, and accept that we’re each doing our best. If there’s something one person “sees” better than the other, it’s up to them to deal with it. And it’s humbling to realise that there are things the other person is doing that you just don’t notice.

When we’re communicating about irritants it’s usually with humour and affection. And tbf we both try our best to do a little better, but there’s only so much change that’s actually possible. It’s important to be able to let the small stuff go. I know that’s legitimately harder if you have ocd. But relationships need to be nurtured and criticism is a poison.

Well I can’t speak for anyone else but I do mean constructively. Whenever I’ve done it before it’s never been confrontational, that’s why it’s always been a surprise when she’s taken it so badly.
For example when it’s cold and she’s wearing her coat. when she gets in the car 85% of the time her coat nearly covers the gearstick, getting in the way when I change gears. I obviously ask her to move it as it’s getting in the way and she just huffs. Once she actually said “you always pick at me about it” or something along those lines. As if it’s so strange for me to ask her to not have her coat interfering with the gearstick lol.
But that’s the sort of thing I mean. I’m not coming home and criticising every aspect of her, it’s just about things that would be considered normal things to do by most people.
As a few posts above have suggested though I do believe she has ADHD. She’s said before she thinks she has it after reading up some of the symptoms. So I do get that for her she might feel like she’s getting criticism for things she either doesn’t realise or can’t control. But they are legitimate things, I’m not being overly picky

I do agree with this. But also know how frustrating it is when Dh doesn’t clear up after himself. However if I do criticise him he becomes defensive and we argue (neither of us are perfect).

I now try and see the bigger picture- we have a good relationship and he works hard and his skills are other areas (including putting the bin out 😂).

it seems OP has come to a similar conclusion which is good to hear ☺️

I am disabled but still a compulsive tidy upper
I had a parent on the spectrum (undiagnosed) who was an over-manager so probably inherited some traits
my partner is also disabled and 14 yeears older than me
i can’t leave things in a mess so always pick up the slack even though I’m not fit for it
the alternative is living in a pigsty or being a constant nag
i find myself calling him out on things he is sloppy on we have actually mastered the’toilet -seat ‘ etiquette after 38 years there’s no such thing as a hopeless case!,(maybe it’s also to do with upbringing and whether they saw both parents getting stuck in when the need arose)
my father never changed a nappy but it was a generational thing my mother never mowed the lawn maybe traditional roles have become blurred I think as llong as the overall division of labour is fair there will be less resentment later on

Well I suppose because it’s behaviour that affects the other people in the house? Without trying to sound snarky I assume that if your partner started gambling all of the households money away month after month you would be critical? I know that’s obviously an extreme just to get my point across. I’m entitled to voice my opinions just as she is entitled to voice hers if there is something I am doing that she doesn’t appreciate.
But I do I think I might have used criticism wrongly, I think that comes across as me being harsher than I am. But it is genuinely difficult to talk to her about something she does that I might find negative.

Regardless of the fact she might have adhd there is no reason not to try and make an effort

he says it isn’t lazy well I say she is lazy! It is very easy to move a bottle to the bin unless you are paralysed or worse

same with wiping the benches down - it’s fairly easy

I don’t think it’s right that this guy works ft and then is responsible for all the cleaning and putting the laundry away and she won’t even tidy up!

As an adult you have to make the effort regardless

Making me feel bad now! lol.
I don’t want to give off the impression that she does nothing, she does. She does all the cooking, she deals with a lot of the school things, she does the washing/laundry (albeit it will sit in wash bags waiting to be put away for days). She’ll make fresh pasta and pizza dough etc. She’s very thoughtful, she’ll buy me something she thinks I might like if she’s out. It’s just with mess she seems to glaze over it. It’s almost like the second it’s out of her hand it stops existing. Same with the laundry, once it’s dry and in a wash bag she’ll put it down and start something else or walk away from it and not go back to it. It’s very strange to me as I tend to be more regimented and finish one job before starting the next.
But going by what a few people have said it does sound very ADHD to me

I was going to say sounds like ADHD too

i think there must be nurture element to it too. I don’t know how her parents house was when she was growing up but I know that now, whilst tidy and not messy, has a lot of clutter. Their kitchen had every cupboard stuffed and had things on top of every cupboard up to the ceiling. My mum on the other hand is far more like me, not minimalist but I don’t really have a lot of things of my own that don’t have a purpose. A few times a year I go through everything and either throw it away or put it on eBay if I haven’t used it for a long time.

So with the salt/spills you see it, but you have other things to do (stir the pan, butter the bread, pick up the other thing that just fell on the floor) and you know each thing takes a couple of seconds but you do the most important couple first and say you will come back to putting the salt away. Then something else happens that you have to deal with so you quickly do that and the salt is making you a bit stressed but there are plates to be got out so you do that instead. Lots of little things keep happening and the salt doesn’t get put away. There are too many things to think about. You know your DH would have put it away but it’s now yet another thing you have to do. Then when he mentions it - it feels like he is criticising you - it’s now not just about the salt it feels like he is criticising the whole house. It’s all quite exhausting!

I'd love to see how different the responses would be if a woman had written this post about her husband!!

Sorry for the belated reply; I was offline all day.

i mean that if each of you adopts a label of ‘I’ve ADHD, therefore…’ and ‘I’m OCD therefore’, you are setting down high expectations for the OCD person and low expectations for the ADHD person, and that then becomes the framework for a very unfair perpetual division of labour.

I suppose so. She does react as though I’m attacking her a bit. I think what also makes it harder is contrary to how I might be coming across lol I’m actually very easy going. Work doesn’t stress me out, home life doesn’t in general apart from this niggle about cleaning. So when she does the same to me I just roll with the punches, it doesn’t bother me, if I think she has a point I’ll try to take it on board. I feel that she should react in the same way but obviously we’re different people so it doesn’t work that way

All I do is clean and my place is an absolute Tip im so stressed by it- toddler and work and was ill all weekend so couldn't keep up with it and I don't know what to do!

Youve twice now referenced that you get to decide whether or not her feelings are valid if she brings something up with you ‘If I think she has a point’ and an earlier phrase along the same lines. You’ve positioned yourself as the sole judge of what is and isn’t valid owrapectives. Do you think that’s fair? If you do this to get a lot - invalidate get - perhaps that is why she’s defensive? Bevause she feels unheard and unseen and has no bandwidth left to bother hearing or seeing you?

You just have to break it down into little jobs rather than look at the whole thing, that will always be more stressful.
It sounds patronising to tell you what to do but if it were me I’d just get a bin bag, go around and bin every bit of rubbish and leave it there for one day. Doing something towards the issue, no matter how small, always makes you feel better than be overwhelmed and getting stressed.

Yeah I see your point. I don’t mean to back track, even though I kind of am, but I don’t really mean it’s not valid as such. If it bothers her to the point of bringing it up then it must be valid. I meant that sometimes things are said out of anger or frustration and not always with me but it gets passed onto me. I’ve said things to people in the past that I didn’t really mean and regretted. I don’t let that kind of thing bother me. If someone raises a genuine concern about me then I usually assume there’s some validity to it. Unless I know the person is an arse :)

The truth is I do know partly why she feels a bit attacked when criticised but it’s from a childhood issue she had that I don’t feel comfortable talking about online as it’s not mine to disclose. Though that’s part of it the ADHD thing does make sense as it’s also something she has brought up and it does fit.

But I do get what you said. There is a possibility that I’ve dismissed things in the past. I have grown up a great deal since having a child so I’m sure it’s happened in the past without me realising

It really, really isn’t laziness with ADHD. Being negatively labelled all my life, lazy had to be one of the worst. ‘You could achieve if you applied yourself’.
For me, it’s not that I can’t be arsed. I want so badly to do all things, keep my home nice, keep on top of things..but sometimes it is genuinely impossible to do. It’s deemed a paralysis! Things that helped me include getting diagnosed, starting medication, having counselling and coaching, leaving my horrible XH (the more he criticised, the more distressed I got and couldn’t do anything!). My biggest breakthrough is discovering ADHD_love on social media. I started watching them on socials. I’d highly recommend you both read/listen on audiobooks, starting with Dirty Laundry. It’ll give you insight into each other’s behaviours and choices (regardless of diagnosis). I’d also suggest checking out the dubbii app - body doubling to give step by step guides on how to do things, badges when you complete them and life body double sessions - 6 in a 24 hour period! I cannot believe how positive it’s been for me, how much I can achieve on an hour zoom call with other people online, also doing tasks. Just a few thoughts. Hope it helps.

No I don’t think she is lazy.
Im very very slightly like that. Not to the extent that I’d say I have ADHD at all but I have trouble starting things sometimes. What helped me was a to do list app on my phone. I have it on my main screen and it shows everything that I have to do that day. I write them down the night before and make sure I cross them off the next day. Otherwise I’ll either forget somethings or won’t bother.

Ill have a look at the things you mentioned though, thanks