How to speak to a partner that doesn’t take criticism

[ThatGutsyCat]

I have been with my partner for 11 years and we have an 8 year old. She doesn’t work, does 100% of the cooking and 3/4 of the child care (including school parties etc as I work weekends as well as weekdays).
she is however very messy and doesn’t clean at all. I have no problem with the cleaning as I am a slightly OCD and actually enjoy it, I however hate tidying. I said to her I will do 100% of the cleaning, toilets, hoovering, dusting, cleaning the floors, everything, providing the place is pretty tidy and things are put back once they have been used. She agreed but still doesn’t do it.
For example a few weeks ago she went away for a couple of days so I decided I’d had enough and spent 3-4 hours cleaning and tidying the entire house. After I had 2 boxes of things of hers that I assumed she wanted to keep but I didn’t know where to put. I said to her when she came back on the Wednesday that she needs to go through them and put them away or throw them. A week later the boxes are still in the living room untouched. I got fed up and put both boxes in the garage. A few days later she wanted something from one of the boxes and got annoyed that I had put them in the garage even though they had sat there for a week. As far as I know they are still in the garage a few weeks later.
What drives me really mad though are things like when she cooks if something spills over she won’t just wipe it up right away, she just leaves it for me to clean the next day. Same with rubbish, she will open something and leave the rubbish on the worktop in the kitchen even though she has to walk past the bin to leave the room. I have been in the kitchen before when she’s cooking and seen her drop something on the floor and kick it to the side rather than just bend over to pick it up.
The real issue I have though is that I can’t approach her about it. The second she is criticised she becomes defensive and angry and sometimes tries to turn it onto me. If she brings up an issue with me however I’m expected to take it on board, which I generally do providing I think it’s valid. I’m not perfect obviously, I’m sure I do things that annoy her etc but this cleaning thing is making it really unpleasant to live in the house

I don’t know how to approach it with her in a way that she will actually take on board what I’m saying and not have it descend into an argument. I don’t think I’m asking a lot, aside from just putting things in the bin and cleaning up immediate messes like spills she won’t have to do any cleaning at all. It just feels really disrespectful after I have cleaned the house to leave things out and make more mess.
Sorry for the long rant! Just had to lay it all out!

You have my sympathy 🌼 🌸 🌻

It sounds awful.

No, honestly I don’t bully her. As I said it is very rarely brought up, I mean rarely, as in a hand full of times in the 11 years I have been with her. The whole issue is I don’t know how to bring it up without offending her, not that I bring it up daily to the point that I’m bullying her. I’m a very non confrontational person, I find difficult conversations very hard and awkward. Which to be fair is probably part of the issue, I tend to let things lie.

I do have a bit of OCD but I can’t seem to get across what I’m talking about. I’m not talking about a bit of mess. I’m talking about spilling some coffee grounds in the fridge and not bothering to clean it up. Using an ear bud, missing the bin in the bathroom and just leaving it. I cleaned the bathroom a few months ago and found multiple used ear buds between the bin and a cupboard that’s underneath the sink. She’s spilt some washing powder when using the washing machine before and rather than sweep it up/wipe down the washing machine it just gets left unless I do it. I don’t think that’s me being picky, that’s just a general standard that most people have.

I should clarify, I didn’t gather up all of her belongings from the entire house. There’s were things that have been just left in the living room, kitchen and hall. Things like an old receipt/returns label for something she’s bought online but has just been left for a week. Things that we have places for if she wants to keep them but they just end up being left everywhere. I’m honestly being OCD, it’s not ornaments and things that get used daily, it’s things that most people get and put away.

Do you actually have OCD? Or do you like things to be tidy?
My DD has OCD and it's a debilitating condition and I wish people wouldn't trivialise it.
Fwiw - my DH almost certainly has ADHD and it's infuriating to live with but it's unintentional on his part but spills, things in the wrong place, not put away are entirely par for the course.
I'd like the house to be tidier but I'm not willing to do all the tidying so we do what people who live together do - we have learned to compromise.

Jesus that’s sounds awful! I feel for you. I can assure you I’m nothing like that. My OCD manifests itself with locks, at night before bed I have to check that all the windows are closed and the doors are locked. Drives me mad. Same with the car, I can lock it walk away a little bit and have to walk back to check the door.
I am a little OVD with being tidy but it’s really not that bad. I know you’ll just think it’s not that bad from my perspective but it’s honestly not. I’m not a controlling person at all, I’m happy for her to get on and do what she wants, which again is probably why I’m here. If I was controlling and picked at her etc then there would be a different issue entirely. The house wouldn’t be a mess but the relationship would be terrible. To be honest I get told off 10x more than she does, she’s the one in charge, which I have no problem with. My family is very matriarchal as my parents split up when I was 5 and I lived with my mum and sister until I moved out. I don’t see my dad or my dad’s family, my mums side is mainly women.

I have wondered reading this if I have OCD, at least in relation to cleaning I’m starting to think I don’t. I certainly do with one thing, I just mentioned above, and that’s locks. I have to double check the front door before we go anywhere even if I’m the one that’s locked it. In fact I only check it if I’ve locked it, if she locks it I don’t have to. Same with the car doors. In our old place we went out somewhere and she waited until we’d just driven off and to annoy me (in a funny way) she said “are you sure you locked the front door” and I had to turn around just to try the door handle!

I do think she has ADHD. In fact she’s said she think she has it. I get it, things do happen spill wise, but I just cannot fathom why you wouldn’t just quickly wipe it up right away rather than leave it until it’s dried and it’s harder to clean.
Reading some of the posts on this thread about other people’s partners I have realised I do have a very easy life lol if the worst thing she does is be messy then it’s not the end of the world. It still does annoy me though. I’m not expecting her to spend all day on her hands and knees cleaning but just putting a crisp wrapper in the bin rather than on the worktop next to the bin can’t be too much to ask for lol.

All I can say about the spills/empty packets with respect to my DH is that he literally doesn't see it. His focus has moved on. He can go back to where he's made a mess and it still won't register. Until he clicks into 'clean the kitchen' focus and then will clean everything. But will not have seen the chaos in-between.
Double checking locks and doors is pretty 'normal'. With OCD it's very difficult to stick to a 'normal' level of checking/cleanliness as severe feelings of anxiety push you check again, and again, or you might have the form where the repetitive behaviour is internalised into rumination and intrusive thoughts.
You sound like you have very high standards for routine and cleanliness - which is fine - rather than an anxiety disorder that can interfere with your ability to function.
Maybe you and your wife just need to be a bit more aware of each others needs and efforts - but compromise is somewhere in the middle.
I've lived with DH for more than 20 years and decided long ago that a harmonious home was more important. He isn't messy to annoy me or because he disrespects our home.

@ByGreenHiker would you not rather dump your bullying, controlling boyfriend? Life is for enjoying.

When people live together there does need to be some kind of compromise and both people do need to be mindful…I wouldn’t ever live with someone again as I don’t want to comprise, but this sounds like people at either end of the scale encountering fiction. You either both have to work out how to make sure the other is comfortable, or you will just be miserable.

That does sound like her. For some reason the salt seems to get left out a lot after she’s cooked. She’ll leave it out above the cupboard it came from and it’ll still be there the next day if I don’t put it away. I don’t mind putting things like that away as she’s gone to the effort to cook for us but I still don’t quite understand it.

It probably is more a high standard. I’ve always been someone who if they’re going to do something I do it 100%, unless it’s work then I just do enough to not get fired :). I guess after I’ve made sure it’s as clean as I can make it a little mess feels worse than it is.

Maybe all I needed was to rant about it and hear some other perspectives.

In general we have a happy home life. I only lived on my own for 2 years and I did really like it. However, I prefer living with someone now, providing I get my own space, I’m more introverted and need time alone.
Posting on here is probably what I needed. Hearing other people’s perspectives has made me lean towards it’s not that big of a deal most of the time. She’s not a malicious person, if it was happening due to laziness then I wouldn’t put up with it

My ex-wife was exactly the same (in that she couldn’t take any criticism, got all defensive and aggressive, so just stopped any criticism). Also, emphasis on ex-, divorcing her was one of the happiest moments of my life.

Is she neurodiverse? Only I am and this is me and hubby to a T! I struggle so much with having demands made of me. It’s almost like my brain refuses to do it once I’m asked.
Hubby and I have been together for 29 years now (teenage sweethearts) and he knows now the best way to get me to do anything is to write a tick list and let me cross it off when done. Usually he will say “these are the jobs WE really should get done by the weekend” (by saying “we” it takes the pressure off me) and then he will include jobs that I do naturally - such as washing. But he will then put “sort washing into piles, put clothes and towels in wardrobes” as well as stuff like “sort jumbles out downstairs”. I will then start doing the stuff I usually do and cross rhem
out, giving me a little dopamine boost… once I start to see a few jobs done, I get the drive to do more. Hubby then comes home from work and THANKS me for doing the stuff I would have done anyway and makes a big deal out of things that I have done that are extra - more little dopamine bursts. Sounds like he’s babying me, but it’s the only way my brain works. I need it and he knows me well enough to work with me in this way.

Find what works for you and her.

This entire post could have been written by my husband. The only reason I know it’s not him is that we don’t have a garage.

I’m about I seek an assessment for adhd.

Jimmy on relationships has some good tips on approaching defensive partners

Honestly - go and educate yourself about ADHD. It’s the lack of executive function. People with ADHD just don’t see that they’ve left cupboards open or the bloody salt out. They’ve moved on to the next task.

Also with ADHD dopamine (and therefore motivation) is lower. So once she’s looked after the kids, done the washing, cooking etc then picking stuff off the floor and tidying things away is just too much.

There is so much to learn about the condition. But please understand she does not do this on purpose. But saying ‘why doesn’t she just put away the salt’ shows you don’t understand.

You’re going to need to relax and let some things go. She’s probably struggling quite a bit.

The best way to deal with this, as the other poster has suggested (and I suggested earlier) is collaboratively rather than criticism. So ‘shall we clean this up together’. ‘Shall I do the dishes and you wipe the surfaces’.

Also praise. Might feel like you are dealing with a child but make sure you let her know you appreciate her cooking, her doing the laundry etc etc.

Chalk and cheese, what seems so obvious to you does even come on her radar…. even if she tries, it will soon slip back to old ways. I’m like you, like a tidy environment as mess disturbs my brain chemistry but I try and be aware that it is not important to many people…

I’ve tried the “ let’s work together approach” and the “ praise” works for a bit and then back we go… I always say my partner has a forward gear but no reverse so putting things away and in designated place just does not happen..

Do you have diagnosed OCD, @ThatGutsyCat ?

And does your husband @ByGreenHiker ?

I ask because OCD gets bandied about a lot when it’s not actually OCD. A preference for neatness and tidiness is NOT OCD.

If your husband hasn’t been diagnosed @ByGreenHiker, I’d suggest trying to get him assessed as he certainly seems ‘intense’…and OCD is often known a bully itself so if he does have it, it can be horrific for him to live with too. It will control him, not the other way round. That said, he should be seeking help for it if that’s what it is. And if he refuses to, like with any other illness, I’d be contemplating whether I could stay in the relationship if he’s not prepared to help himself.

Why do we need to constantly criticise our partners? Bet she’s also happier now without someone criticising every thing she does…

Where do I say I criticised everything she does? Or is that just your man-hating assumption?

It was actually a running joke between me and her parents, how terrible her reaction to criticism was. We all commented on it. And criticism for your information can be constructive.

It’s not easy living with someone.
especially someone that doesn’t pick up after themselves or any one else on the odd occasion.

From the man who refuses to follow a cleaning rota.

Why??

People with ADHD do not respond well to criticism. It would be better to understand why (rejection sensitivity dysphoria) than to continue with the criticism that basically makes them feel more shit about themselves…and as we can see - ultimately destroy the relationship. Yes hilarious to joke about it with her parents too - must have made her feel great.

For those that want a successful relationship with a neurodiverse person it’s best to try and understand the condition.

Does your hubby have ADHD also? Is that why he’s so understanding?