Is husband being a SAHP killing our relationship?

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Long story short, husband got sepsis from a routine op last year when our son was only 8 weeks old- he spent a week in ICU. Prior to this when I was pregnant we always discusssed a future where my husband got to be more involved and work less ( I earn 3x his salary ) after getting ill he was offered redundancy and decided to take it- he never returned from paternity leave so has now been at home for 15 months ( I returned 6 weeks post partum ) I work in an executive level position and also do consultancy work. Financially everything is 100% on me but I’m still picking up a huge amount of everything else. We had a cleaner but I recently let her go as she was useless, so I’m mostly working all week doing 2 roles, then picking up most of the cleaning etc at the weekend. I’ve made a list of what needs doing and offered to split it but OH doesn’t seem to be able to follow it and gets angry if I mention the fact the house is filthy, or there’s no clean clothes or we’ve eaten pizza 3 nights in a row. He also does very little in terms of enrichment for our now toddler. I was a sahp to our daughter ( age 9 ) and I did all cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing, shopping, organising, took daughter to various groups, swimming, park etc weekly, arranged all birthday presents, workmen etc - my husband seems literally incapable of this then has the cheek to complain I don’t dress up for him or initiate sex! Honestly I am so turned off by him and absolutely shattered. It’s Monday morning and I’m on my knees already. Is my marriage doomed ?

It's not the fact that he's an SAHP.
It's that he is a shit SAHP.

What @CharlotteRumpling said

He isn’t a stay at home parent though is he? He is an unemployed individual not looking for work who is providing a minimum amount of childcare cover whilst not working. This is the problem.

You have yourself a cocklodger, deeply unattractive!

I have been an SAHP in the past, and I wasn't brilliant at it, but I did manage to have clean clothes, make a reasonably healthy dinner, and take the DC swimming and to the library or playdates. The house probably wasn't very clean.

He clearly hates being a stay at home parent
its not for everyone sounds like he’s spiralling into a depression
he needs to get back to some form of work

circumstances have landed him in this position rather than choice

Well yes. He’s adamant he doesn’t want to go back to work but he isn’t great at home and it’s turning him into a not very nice person. He is snappy and rude and seems to have a chip on his shoulder about everything of late. He says it’s the sepsis but it’s been 12 months and he’s fine doing things he wants to he just doesn’t like cooking or cleaning or doing anything that supports me in supporting us.

This too. You need to have a proper conversation about childcare when he goes back to a job. Which it sounds as if he should, for everyone’s sake.

Send him back out to work, the lazy fucker.

I'm in a similar situation in that DH was out of work sick. He's got days or parts of days where his pain is bad, but even on those days the bread is made, the kitchen is clean and he's usually done laundry. On his good days he's usually done some DIY or garden work as well as housework of some sort. While there's loads still to do, he does take care of a decent chunk of it as much as he can.

Has he had therapy?

becuase it isn’t the SAHP because he isn’t being one he isn’t going anything.

Personally an ultimatum would be my approach understanding that he went through a traumatic event but that can’t mean life stops and you do everything. He starts the process of therapy and take on what he needs to take on in the house or it isnover

He’s having counselling weekly - another sore subject as he’s having physio, sees the chiropractor and does about a million other things all of which he books in the middle of the day so I have to stop work. It’s at a point where I am getting behind and again he just gets annoyed if I point this out.

He is taking the piss. Having sepsis a year ago doesn't prevent him from loading the dishwasher.

My husband is the sole earner that means I keep on top of the house and cook the majority of the meals, it's only fair.

No. He needs to either step up, complete his lists, any way and time as long as they are done, come Friday all the chores are finished so YOU can come home to a decent house and you all can spend family time
together. If he can’t do this his choices are 1. Get out and get a job and pay his way. 2. Leave. Kick him out. Get rid. Whatever. The fact he can do things he like means his sepsis excuse is exactly that, and excuse. My own feeling is he’s just a lazy sod who is not thoughtful enough to think his wife has been working all week, the least I can do is make sure everything is done to a high standard for her coming off on Friday so she can relax and chill and get proper family time in all weekend.
if he honestly can’t do this I would be chucking him out. As for sex, sorry that would be stopping due to being completely burnt out. None of that till changes are made and kept.

Time to talk about what happens next Op, he's getting too used to not working and it will get harder to make him go back the longer this goes on. If he was being a decent SAHP it would be different but he's leaving too much to you and your DC isn't getting much out of it either.If he has medical appts part time might work better.

Not rtft but be careful here. If you leave him now, he'll claim to be primary carer and rinse you for spousal support, child support etc. So he'd be a lazy fucker on your dime, indefinitely!
My advice is to get your baby into paid full time childcare and get your h back to work! Start quietly separating your finances and stop making his life so comfortable.

Sahp only works if the sahp pulls their weight - otherwise it's just an unemployed adult leaching your money and contributing nothing.

Yes he clearly isn’t a SAHP then.

get childcare booked in and set our expectations for him going back

This has nothing to do with him being a SAHP and everything to do with him being an ungrateful, lazy, selfish ass.

The problem is that there ARE some options you could explore to make things easier for both of you, but they only work if he is on board. and based on what you're saying, he doesn't sound like he would be onboard.

So, for example, when DH was a SAHP, we both agreed that we would nonetheless have some childcare. I knew that I couldn't be a full time SAHP without wanting to scream, so I didn't begrudge him that. What that looked like varied at different times but it always amounted to the equivalent of one full day a week. That was his day for chilling, relaxing, going to appointments, catching up on admin etc. He didn't usually do excessive cleaning/tidying or whatever, but he definitely did all the bits that were hard to do with a baby in tow and it was when he got his hair cut, saw the dentist, caught up with friends etc.

This also meant he was generally uite happy to let me have some time on the weekend - obviously i wanted to see the DC but frankly, I also needed downtime with a hectic job.

We DID have a cleaner, weekly in those days. That was really important to me. He was vey happy and able o keep things generlaly clean and tidy, do laundry etc, but a cleaner removed the crisis questions of whether floors had been vacuumed/mopped or the bathroom scrubbed.

Dh has the planning skills of a new born baby so somewhat begrudgingly, I took on the effort to identify and plan activities for him and the DC, or sometimes to make suggestions about what they could do during the day. But once they were in place, he would stick to the routine and tended to engage diretctly with the classes etc. It did mean they went to the same 3 softplays a LOT, for example, because he just didn't have the ability to think and plan and research, but quite frnakly, that is a long-standing issue with him and why at the age of 50 he's actually considering a diagnosis for ADHD and meds!!! Plus, the DC didn't mind - they picked GREAT softplays and classes to go to on repeat!

I kept the cooking (see above re DH's skills) but dropped ALL other basic food prep, or cleaning for years. I didn't load a dishwasher or prepare breakfast or make a lunch box. I also did meal planning and online shopping - delivered while Dh was at home to sort.

The point was that while he wasn't a "natural" SAHD, and I DID help him, he stepped up. He did night wakings. He kept on top of things. The effort I put in he appreciated and reciprocated. I remember sometimes he'd text me when he knew I'd be on the train home and say, "stop at the pub or something - DS is almost asleep and if you come in now he'll want you and you'll be stuck there for hours" then he'd text me the all clear 20 minutes later! The house was broadly tidy unless they'd had a crazy day. I didn't have to think about laundry. We shared lie ins.... basically, we acted as a partnership. it wasn't always smooth sailing but broadly, we were travelling in the same direction.

I remember your previous post.

It's been a year. He's had time to recover. He might not be 100% every day but he can do the things he wants to do. He just doesn't want to do domestic work. He's gotten used to doing as he pleased with you working full time and picking up his slack and even having to interrupt your work that supports the family for his appointments. He expects sex. Yeah, he's feeling ok.

Why so many appointments? I had a major surgery with a lot of complications including multiple infections and sepsis and a year later, I was done with appointments and certainly able to do housework.

So, my thoughts are he's milking his health issues from a year ago to get out of doing anything he doesn't want to do. It's time to tell him he's not even close to pulling his weight as a SAHP and it's work or split. Document and take photos of your home in the state he keeps it. He doesn't sound like a fit caregiver. I would see a lawyer to get information about what divorce would look like for you.

SAHP is a proper role with real responsibilities, and if he’d had to apply for it, he’d have been on a performance improvement plan for months at this point, it seems.

If he doesn’t want to go out to work in paid employment, this is the job he has, and therefore he needs accept he’s responsible for a whole raft of things while you’re supporting the family financially. If he feels this is beneath him, he needs to find a job that is not beneath his dignity and go and do that, and DC goes into nursery instead.

I think unfortunately he’s one of those men who never realises how much work being a SAHP really is when it’s done well, and still seems to think that housework is a gendered activity. How deeply unattractive.

What a lazy bastard. I wouldn't tolerate this. There would be no sex for a start.

Sounds like a cleaner and a nanny and no husband would see you much better off!

I’m honestly thinking about leaving as yes- I posted months ago and things haven’t got better. He’s now just miserable and unkind to add to the mix. I cleaned the whole house last weekend from top to bottom as older child was at a sleepover. I did this whilst toddler napped and also a little whilst he was awake so I know it can be done.

If he wants to be a SAHP he needs to do the majority of the household chores, it's completely unfair to you otherwise

Yes it didn't really work for us to be honest and my partner did actually do stuff with DS, and always had my dinner ready when I got home. We are much happier now he's gone back to work and I've gone part time. I couldn't live like you are long term

In the short term get another cleaner. In the long term he needs to get another job as he clearly isn’t fulfilling any part of the SAHP brief.