Is husband being a SAHP killing our relationship?

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Long story short, husband got sepsis from a routine op last year when our son was only 8 weeks old- he spent a week in ICU. Prior to this when I was pregnant we always discusssed a future where my husband got to be more involved and work less ( I earn 3x his salary ) after getting ill he was offered redundancy and decided to take it- he never returned from paternity leave so has now been at home for 15 months ( I returned 6 weeks post partum ) I work in an executive level position and also do consultancy work. Financially everything is 100% on me but I’m still picking up a huge amount of everything else. We had a cleaner but I recently let her go as she was useless, so I’m mostly working all week doing 2 roles, then picking up most of the cleaning etc at the weekend. I’ve made a list of what needs doing and offered to split it but OH doesn’t seem to be able to follow it and gets angry if I mention the fact the house is filthy, or there’s no clean clothes or we’ve eaten pizza 3 nights in a row. He also does very little in terms of enrichment for our now toddler. I was a sahp to our daughter ( age 9 ) and I did all cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing, shopping, organising, took daughter to various groups, swimming, park etc weekly, arranged all birthday presents, workmen etc - my husband seems literally incapable of this then has the cheek to complain I don’t dress up for him or initiate sex! Honestly I am so turned off by him and absolutely shattered. It’s Monday morning and I’m on my knees already. Is my marriage doomed ?

Your DH is entitled. He has a very charmed life whilst watching you burnout.

Time to lay it on the table how it is.

…and you shouldn’t be needing to employ a cleaner. He should be doing it.

It sounds like it’s time for that discussion

Sounds rubbish, OP. But I would absolutely put a stop to appointments in the day if the toddler can’t be taken (or alternate childcare sourced by your H) as you are working. Or I’d start going into the office more (if you have one) to put a stop to that nonsense.

But yes, he should be doing a lot more. I wasn’t housewife of the year by any stretch when I was a SAHM but we weren’t living in filth either.

Sound alike you’d be better off with a nanny and a new cleaner than him!

If you are working from home when he's disappearing for his many appointments would you be better off going into the office a few times so you aren't there to take over?
I dont know how .you can force him back to work but that would be my aim and as soon as he is separate. That way he can't claim to be the primary carer

I'm not sure him going back to work would help - he would still earn a fraction of your salary, but would feel entitled to do even less at home. I have a friend in similar situation - husband is in principle a SAHD, but whenever he gets a tiny little consulting project paying peanuts, suddenly my friend needs to do everything and fully accommodate his schedule.

If he's being miserable and nasty at home, it's time to set up your exit. Get the children in paid childcare so he can't claim he's the primary parent like a previous poster wisely said. Document how he leaves the house. Keep track of your important papers. Keep your intentions quiet.

I wonder if he's feeling like "the patient" that everything should revolve around and he shouldn't be doing anything. So many appointments when this should be long done is pinging my radar. You might ask your lawyer about that.

I refer to this as the "Tesco worker" model of the patriachy.

Man has Big Office Job and earns most of the money, women has part time, shift-based job in Tesco to work around childcare. Child is sick. Man cannot take time of becuase of his Big Office Job and the fact that this job is so important to the family.

Woman has office job and earns most of the money. Man has Part Time Shift-Based Job in Tesco to work around childcare. Child is sick. Woman must take time off becuase she has a lfexible job and if he does not turn up for his shift he will let the team down/ lose his job.

I also remember your last thread. You have been very kind to him so far but he is now blatantly taking the piss out of you. If you cannot see any improvement after setting it out to him then you only have two options and one is to stay and suck it up and the other is to leave. The biggest problem would be him getting custody of the DC and you having to give him maintenance.

Oh god, please leave, you know you'll be much happier x

I would be infuriated with this.

Assuming you want to make it work I would

• get a new, better cleaner, stop heavy lifting yourself. Make sure you get enough hours so they can do properly.
• get the youngest into a full day or two half days of nursery per week. All appointments he has need to be done during those slots, you are not the default childcare during your working hours.
• drop standards on cleanliness, rely on the cleaner once a week.

If you’ve had enough and want out I would tread carefully - you do not want him making a primary carer claim and expecting you to fund him whilst you live elsewhere. For that very quietly take excellent quality (paid for not free 30 mins) legal advice to get a game plan on how you could make that work and be prepared to play a long game.

Sounds like you’d be better off financially and mentally getting rid of him and hiring a nanny who also does housework, cook etc

This sounds dreadful and incredibly unfair on you. As stated elsewhere, not sure getting him back into work will solve this as you’ll still be doing everything around the house / childcare. Sounds like he is majorly taking the piss using the sepsis as an ongoing excuse. Good luck and follow the advice given by others re childcare and legal support!

In your situation I’d get legal advice from a divorce lawyer and plan to end the marriage. And investigate childcare options.

In the meantime I’d tell DH that I no longer wanted to be sole earner and that if he didn’t actively job seek it’d be a deal breaker for me in the marriage. This would be many parents’ stance even were their spouse a practically perfect SAHP.

You need to get a baby sitter or family member have the kids for a few hours and sit down and have a serious and direct conversation.

Have some notes written down about subjects you want to cover but make it very clear that the situation as it currently is, is making you question if the marriage with last. Let him know this isn’t the outcome you want and you want both of you to work on changing things and making life better all round.

Make it clear that him being a SAHP isn’t the issue. It’s the fact that he isn’t actually doing anything that comes under the job title of SAHP.

Make it clear he needs to be booking in his appointments at a more convenient time and to be communicating with you.

This situation isn’t going to change unless there is direct clear and to the point communication.

This is ‘Man child’ situation and research shows regarding your partner as a dependent puts women off sex.

I had one of these and the resentment killed the marriage. I put up with it making excuses for years - is he depressed etc etc
Splitting up was the best thing for both of us as he had to get a job to pay his rent and this helped his mental health. He’s now sponging off a new partner more fool her.

Financially the sooner you split the earlier you can rebuild otherwise you are giving up 50%+ of every mortgage and pension payment you make from now on. Even if he got 55 or 60% chances are you can build that back once you don’t have an albatross round your neck.

After he moved out everyone commented how much cleaner the house was (although he claimed in financial proceedings he spent hours every week looking after it).

People know when they are being selfish and taking advantage. This isn’t a partnership, you have an extra child. Show him the research and explain why he’s making himself unattractive to you and either he changes within a set timeframe or the marriage won’t be able to survive this.

Ugh yes - you are bang on with this observation.

As an absolute minimum reinstate the cleaner - don’t get sucked into doing the heavy lifting on that, that is a fool’s errand. It’s only a minor point in a difficult situation but don’t feel obligated to pick up that burden - you have enough on your plate.

Is my marriage doomed ?

As things stand, yes- and you know it.
Bottom line is he’s being a lazy arse, expecting to do what he wants, as little as he wants, you’ll fill in all the gaps and then hungrily jump on him each night. Someone needs to grow up, learn a little empathy and self awareness, generally step up to the plate rather than be a passenger (apology for the mixed metaphor, you know what I mean).
Tell him how you feel, rather than what to do.

Maybe him being at home full time IS part of the issue for OP. It’s a model with pros and cons for both partners, each taking different risks, even when the SAHP is great at it.

In this case though it’s clear that OP is getting hardly any of the pros!

‘Tell him how you feel, rather than what to do’

That might work with a caring H. Unlikely to work with OP’s H, who clearly has little regard for OP’s feelings.

I would tread carefully and get him into some sort of work before mentioning any split. Would be a good idea to get some childcare a few days a week and a better cleaner.
You shouldn’t have to do this but would it work with him to reward him with sex for things you want him to do such as filling out a job application form, whilst also suddenly having more outgoings and having to reduce the money available for fripperies.

Yep.

if he can’t do this role properly, he needs to go back to work.

I wouldn’t be sleeping with him either.

This

PP has very good advice that you need to get the kids into childcare or he’ll pretend he’s the primary care giver to get a nice financial settlement/you’ll get less contact over him.

It’s a horrible situation because he’s entitled to at least 50/50 custody? This man child barely seems capable of being trusted for a pet let alone a toddler.

The biggest red flag is not providing enrichment for the toddler - that’s the basic bar of being a SAHP; Since my DD has been 9 months old she’s gone to numerous different groups a week, play dates, wandering around town etc or the alternative is I’m presuming sticking the kid in front of the TV?

I have been in your shoes and it went on for years. The thing I found most stressful was being the sole earner. That and the reality that you can't make him get a job. The only thing you control is how you respond to his unemployment/sahp role. I can't offer advice cos I don't think I handled it well. What I can do is say - I hear you!

I had Sepsis 20 years ago ,it's life changing and traumatic TBH. I still cooked and looked after DC though.I think he may benefit from some counselling?If hes still up for sex though ,cant be too bad! I think I would get a decent cleaner or use an agency .Also explain to him that Pizza hat trick is not good for DC.Some simple home made meals, and possibly fish fingers or pizza now and then .pasta dishes,some thing like chicken tonight maybe ? If you earn well can you have a harvester maybe on Saturday or go out Sunday for lunch.I think being home with DC is difficult ,and many people struggle .Men have had years of social conditioning to "ignore "HW! They seem reluctant to unlearn this!