Is husband being a SAHP killing our relationship?

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Long story short, husband got sepsis from a routine op last year when our son was only 8 weeks old- he spent a week in ICU. Prior to this when I was pregnant we always discusssed a future where my husband got to be more involved and work less ( I earn 3x his salary ) after getting ill he was offered redundancy and decided to take it- he never returned from paternity leave so has now been at home for 15 months ( I returned 6 weeks post partum ) I work in an executive level position and also do consultancy work. Financially everything is 100% on me but I’m still picking up a huge amount of everything else. We had a cleaner but I recently let her go as she was useless, so I’m mostly working all week doing 2 roles, then picking up most of the cleaning etc at the weekend. I’ve made a list of what needs doing and offered to split it but OH doesn’t seem to be able to follow it and gets angry if I mention the fact the house is filthy, or there’s no clean clothes or we’ve eaten pizza 3 nights in a row. He also does very little in terms of enrichment for our now toddler. I was a sahp to our daughter ( age 9 ) and I did all cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing, shopping, organising, took daughter to various groups, swimming, park etc weekly, arranged all birthday presents, workmen etc - my husband seems literally incapable of this then has the cheek to complain I don’t dress up for him or initiate sex! Honestly I am so turned off by him and absolutely shattered. It’s Monday morning and I’m on my knees already. Is my marriage doomed ?

My DFriend had an identical experience, even down to her out earning him. Her DH moved to SAHD after having cancer. She tried to be understanding (traumatic experience/mental health etc) and she stuck it out for a good few years but she did leave in the end. Looking back on it all though. He was a lazy arse before the cancer, but him being in a FT job sort of hid this. Ultimately the signs were always there and the circumstances brought it to light. Was he prone to dodging chores before the sepsis OP?

This was me too! Still is but upgraded to 50/50 odds on a clean house. OP, if your DH can’t give the baby some outings and enriching play at home, he’s failing all of you.

Op you do need to have that conversation with him, expectations of what he should be doing at home, it's not fair otherwise, why would he think this was fair, yes he knows he's not pulling his weight around the home or children,

So if you need to and I think you do, weekly planner, with expected daily jobs to be completed, not rocket science is it, bit of cleaning, put a wash on, cook some pasta for dinner, maybe pop to the shops, but he needs to be doing the basics around the house,

And maybe if he steps up op your weekends could be family time, enjoying the children, for God's sake he needs a good shaking doesn't he,
Most men don't or carnt multi task, so a list of jobs just might start the ball rolling,

Your not asking for much after all op , just the bare minimum for now would be great for you,
Stay strong op

To answer the original question, its not him being a SAHP that’s killing the relationship, its him being a selfish so and so.

He doesn't want to be a sahp- he just wants to chill. I think your toddler would be happier in nursery than staying at home with him. How much does he stimulate your DC? He's just a lazy cocklodger and you would definitely be better of without him.

I would check alternative options before you LTB - some people do not have self-motivation and can't be in roles where you don't get a task list from boss (like independent contactor, or SAHP). Unless they have concrete deliverables, they get lazy and do the bare minimum. So as he's clearly not pulling his weight, seems like this is not a role for him.

However, if he does go back to work, he will need to take at least half, if not more of the domestic load.

If you had taken maternity leave and he worked, I would imagine that he would leave most of the house work to you two weeks after giving birth. I'd give him a timeline to find a job or ask for a divorce. It is not fair on your DC to be left with him full time if he isn't doing anything with them.

Leaving would be high risk. He is currently primary carer. He would rightly get the majority of the time with your children. I would get some decent legal advice and also really think about what the likely outcome would be

I know he is having individual counselling but have you tried couples counselling? It strikes me that that is worth a shot

And FYI the courts won't give a shiny shit that he does nothing with the children etc. The standard for men to be seen as a suitable parent is very very low (far lower than what they expect of women).

Or going back to work means they can pay for a cleaner to do more hours /pay for a home help.

I'm not always sure "half the work" is fair. Some people (male or female) have unreasonably high standards for what a house should look like. It should be " half the reasonable work"

This isn't true. Especially when this hasn't been the status quo for a long time. If a parent isn't a danger to the DC, they will get 50/50 if they ask for it and can show that they can provide care (nursery, after school club, grandma etc) for their DC during their time.

Yes a standard should be agreed - as many people also have unreasonably low standards.

That’s why OP needs legal advice now. And ideally to get the DC into childcare.

Sounds to me like he's struggling not being the breadwinner, the man of the house, and doesn't value being a SAHP.

Why doesn't he want to work? If he's not going to look for work, he needs to step-up and accept his role as SAHP and all that entails.

Emotional response to the sepsis and adjusting to parenthood? Depression? Would he try counselling?

lay your cards out for him.

"your not pulling your weight as a SAHP, both household work wise, but also being a good role model and father for our children"

what exactly is he doing with 8 hours a day, every day 5 days a week?

Masturbating and playing on the xbox is my guess.

He's just a bloody lodger at this point - a cocklodger!

It is better for op to be aware of the risks. So many women don't realise they might end up with much less than 50/50. She needs proper legal advice and to not be naive

You have had a number of threads about this waste of space and his behaviour and attitude don't ever improve. It is difficult to see the point of him, he is a crap husband, a terrible father and brings nothing to the relationship or to the household, no money, no housework or cooking and his childcare is pretty perfunctory as he makes appointments in the middle of your working day so that you need to take over with your baby.

You would be better getting rid of him and paying for a nanny or nursery. They are easier to sack if they aren't doing the job properly.

For those saying she should just leave as one PP has noted, it’s not that simple as stands.

Regardless of the fact that he’s acting like at cocklodger he’s positioned himself as the SAHP and that’s the card he will play if she leaves him now - with her having to pay maintenance for him to continue doing sweet FA albeit living apart.

OP you need to get your ducks in a row asap to remove any credibility from this narrative. Get childcare in place. Get a new cleaner. Basically give him no reason not to be working or to be able to claim in court (if it comes to it) that he cannot support himself financially.

The fact is that he’s got used to playing the invalid and doing nothing but focus on himself. In the short term it this was important for his recovery but he’s way past this point now - and then some.

Most galling (given all the free time he has) is booking his appointments at a time that’s totally unsuitable. He’s in massive negative equity in this “partnership” yet is still adding to his debt on a daily basis.

I couldn’t get past this now, even if he changed his ways overnight. He’s shown how little he cares for you or your children and I would be planning a strategic exit.

Very shrewd advice.

Hmmm if you’re ’performance managing’ someone at work - you tell them what they need to do. And you probably expect that most will leave. If you actually want to maintain and build a relationship you can’t force them to do things grudgingly, they must come to realise what’s needed. But I agree this might be quite a leap for him.

Does he recognise what you say? What’s his solution?

Sounds to me as if he has got into lazy habits. He needs a wake up call that this is not sustainable if he wants to stay married.

He's lazy and useless. My ex gave me a very similar story about not being able to function because of his bad back. My uncle is a doctor and long story short we arranged for him to have surgery to repair the problem: A couple of years later I realised his back was not making him seem useless and lazy, he actually just was (and still is).

I’m currently a sahp, until later in the year.
i manage to keep a clean & tidy home, washing done, dried, put away. Dinners made, food bought, & everything else.