Reported my partner - just need some support

[majestic26]

Today I reported my partner to the police for a domestic violence incident that occurred 2 months ago. They deemed it serious enough to come out and arrest him immediately. He was arrested for non fatal strangulation, criminal damage and intent to kill. We had been together for 12 years and our relationship had gone seriously sour at around the 10 year mark.

For context - when I made the report it was part of a process of getting my 'ducks in a row' so I could leave. I'm in no way trivialising the act of making a police report, but I didn't realise they would come out same day and cart him away. I thought I would be given a crime number and the matter would rest if I didn't want to take it further, but should he try to gain custody of our children in the future (which he has threatened to try and do) then I would have something in writing. Obviously I hadn't comprehended how seriously the police would be duty-bound to take a threat to kill. Everything progressed so quickly and I am finding it hard to process.

I just need some reassurance I've done the right thing. I feel absolutely sick at the thought of him alone in a cell. I know what he's done was awful - enough for the police to come out within 2 hours of the report landing. But I am so scared of what the future holds and what I now have to navigate. I was in the process of trying to leave him, now it feels like it's been fast tracked before I'm ready. I am panicking I've ruined any chance of us co-parenting amicably but I know it was essential that what he did was on record. Now there's talk of banning contact with me and the kids for 28 days.

Feeling confused, scared, panicked, like I've made a terrible mistake.

If he's had his hands on your neck, you've definitely done the right thing. Well done. I won't comment further but I wish you all the best.

Do you feel sick of him in a cell because you fear reprisals?

It's more that I feel sorry for him. It's so ridiculous after what's happened but he has been my partner for a long time and I care deeply about him still. I hate the thought of him scared and alone.

Oh you absolutely did the right thing. So many men get away from domestic violence and you only have to read the papers to hear how many women are murdered weekly by partners.

The man is a monster if only he'd given you the kind of love and concern you feel for him. You are showing your children that the only attitude to being treated like this is 0.

You were never going to be able to have a harmonious co parenting relationship with a nan like that. A man who hurts you and controls you through the fear of loosing custody of your children. Write down everything he did to you. And I mean truly everything. And whenever you feel sorry for the cretin read it back.

That was my thinking behind reporting. I just didn't want to be one of those women who ends up a statistic or it appearing to come out of the blue.

I think I now fear what will happen as we try to go forward as parents. Will he try to manipulate and control me, will he be angry, will he retaliate for this. I do fear repercussions but I also feel pity.

Is he in police custody or remanded?

he’s likely to not be allowed near any of you….were kids present when he tried to kill you??

He's in custody awaiting interview at the moment. The kids were not present - it was a sustained threat to kill. Basically he dragged me from my bed, put me over his shoulder, took me downstairs, stood over me, threatened to kill me multiple times, said the only way I was leaving the room was in a bodybag, then also he put his arm across my throat and held a pillow to my face for a few seconds. He relented after about an hour of threats and aggression and thankfully the kids slept through the entire thing.

He tried to kill you OP he shouldn’t be anywhere near you or the children and is exactly where he should be

kids absolutely were present. In the premises

he won’t be allowed any contact with them. or you. He’s also likely to be remanded. Especially if he has previous. The police should keep you updated. Good luck!

If a man can do that to you, then whenever you had ended the relationship he would have got nastier at that point. It’s when men feel they start to lose control that the risk increases. It would have been more dangerous for you and the kids if you hadn’t reported him. Now, you should have more support on your side. You’ve done the safest thing

Omg that’s horrific. Well done for reporting it. He shouldn’t be near you or any children.
I wouldn't feel sorry for him. Watch 24 hours in police custody and you wont anymore in the slightest . He’ll be getting fed etc. I’m sure he’ll cope.

Have you spoken to anyone like women’s aid?

You have. So many women have regretted it because abusive men always try to come for the kids to get the control back. They don't even want the kids, they just want to punish.

It's for the best.

I think it’s important to see that these are the inevitable consequences of his actions. It’s out of your control now. I’m so sorry - that must have been really traumatic.

You are lucky you aren't dead.

Just think about that for a moment.

Did you tell them everything or did you down play it

you're worried about him being held in a cell.

how worried about you was he when he was strangling you & threatening to KILL you?

just imagine someone having to tell your kids you're dead!

you don't need to be worrying about co parenting you need to focus on keeping him as far away from you & the kids as possible

You feel sick about him being alone because you care deeply for him. No, you care for the man he was, the man you thought he was, right up to the minute he put his hands around your neck. That man you loved died at that point and he threw away your love and replaced his love for you with cold, hard hatred.

You have done the right thing and you are grieving for the man he was, the relationship that you wanted it to be and the loss of the relationship.

Youl will heal in time but die now you have to go through the practicalities of splitting up and the ramifications he has to face because of his violence towards you.

I hope you can stay strong.

That sounds terrifying.
I'm a survivor of DV.

YOU'RE LUCKY TO STILL BE ALIVE.

Stop feeling sorry for this abusive POS.

He's made repeated threats to kill you, he's had his hands around your throat, he put a pillow over your face, and he doesn't care that your children could spend the rest of their childhoods in care with their mother murdered and their father in prison for her murder... and yet you feel sorry for him?

I have to ask. Why?

Well done OP.

You did the brave, frightening and absolutely right thing.

He assaulted and threatened to kill you while your children were sleeping nearby.

It could have been one of your children.

And no, don't try telling yourself he wouldn't hurt the children; a few years back you wouldn't have believed he could hurt you.

The past is messing with your head - the relationship you thought / hoped you had isn't there any more. But you're remembering the good bits.

You're a decent human being so you naturally wouldn't want harm to come to anyone; that isn't who you are.

But have you thought that reporting him may have actually been the best thing that could happen to him, as well as to you and your children, because it may have saved him ... from becoming a murderer?

If you doubt that, re read your own words here where you describe exactly what he did to you. These men escalate their abusive behaviour; it doesn't come from nowhere. He was climbing up and up that hill, but you and the police have stopped him getting to the top.

Jesus Christ op the best place for him is in jail. That horrific. Image a friend just told you that her partner had done that to her. What would you say?

Lovely the next time he might not lift the pillow, and you’d be dead. That account of what happened scared me to the bone. The fact you’re on here worried you went too far with the police report, makes me think you’ve perhaps accepted abuse as the norm and even you yourself don’t realise how serious what he did was.

You did the right thing, for you and your kids. I hope you have lots of support and wish you all the best in rebuilding your life into one you truly deserve xxx

YOU DIDN'T CAUSE THIS!
you’ve got to put your kids first, then you.
you had no choice and it’s 100%+ the right thing to do.
perhaps the reality of what he’s done is just beginning to dawn on you.
He’s a monster and deserves locking up.
You’ve saved your kids from coming to your funeral.
Congratulations for taking the first step, don’t look back

I very much doubt he's feeling scared. Furious, maybe. Vengeful, possibly. Sorry for himself, maybe. But not scared.
He tried to kill you. He thought he could get away with terrorising you. I'm guessing that's not the only time he's hurt you or been abusive to you. He's not at all scared, he thinks he can do what he wants. Even now, I guarantee you that he's not blaming himself for what's happened, he's going to try to convince the police and you and everyone else that it was your fault.
You did the right thing by reporting this.
I don't know how you think you will co-parent amicably with someone this dangerous. He is the one that has made it impossible to do things amicably, he is the one who threatened to kill the mother of his children. None of this is your fault. You could have been the worst partner ever, but it still doesn't give him the right to abuse you and threaten you and terrorise you, to strangle you.
Hopefully this will be the first step of breaking free and starting a new life. I think in your shoes I would seriously be considering moving somewhere far away.

He has done this, not you. Just read back what you have written rabout how he threatened (and tried) to kill you. If a friend told you someone had done that to them, wouldn't you think the abuser should be locked up?

Oh my shitting hell.

Do not feel sorry for him.
Get free of him.