Reported my partner - just need some support

[majestic26]

Today I reported my partner to the police for a domestic violence incident that occurred 2 months ago. They deemed it serious enough to come out and arrest him immediately. He was arrested for non fatal strangulation, criminal damage and intent to kill. We had been together for 12 years and our relationship had gone seriously sour at around the 10 year mark.

For context - when I made the report it was part of a process of getting my 'ducks in a row' so I could leave. I'm in no way trivialising the act of making a police report, but I didn't realise they would come out same day and cart him away. I thought I would be given a crime number and the matter would rest if I didn't want to take it further, but should he try to gain custody of our children in the future (which he has threatened to try and do) then I would have something in writing. Obviously I hadn't comprehended how seriously the police would be duty-bound to take a threat to kill. Everything progressed so quickly and I am finding it hard to process.

I just need some reassurance I've done the right thing. I feel absolutely sick at the thought of him alone in a cell. I know what he's done was awful - enough for the police to come out within 2 hours of the report landing. But I am so scared of what the future holds and what I now have to navigate. I was in the process of trying to leave him, now it feels like it's been fast tracked before I'm ready. I am panicking I've ruined any chance of us co-parenting amicably but I know it was essential that what he did was on record. Now there's talk of banning contact with me and the kids for 28 days.

Feeling confused, scared, panicked, like I've made a terrible mistake.

Someone who is capable of that kind of attack was never going to be an amicable co-parent so that’s no loss.

The only thing you’ve done wrong is waiting to call the police. You’ve been living with a domestic terrorist for an additional 2 months which is very frightening. Harden your heart, lovey - he deserves none of your pity.

No-one in their right mind will tell you you have done the wrong thing op. Sounds horrific and l echo what everyone else says - he had no empathy for your feelings when he did those awful things so save yours for someone who deserves it.

How are you doing today?

No wonder they came straight out.

I don’t mean to scare you but do you understand you came close to him killing you?

You have absolutely done the right thing.
the next step after non fatal strangulation is domestic homicide.

Did he hate the thought of you feeling scared you might die when he tried to kill you? You have a lot to process and do, getting yourself and DC away from such a man. Don't waste precious energy feeling sorry for him. Your death could have been yet another two-paragraph news item on p5 of the local paper, or eleventh clickbait item in the sidebar online. That's how valuable women's lives are in our society. Focus your care and attention on the people who matter - DC and you.

What a horrible ordeal you have been through, am so sorry. But involving the police will mean he can't easily talk you round, so that is a good thing. Social services will hear about it if he is living at the family home again and won't want your children put at risk. So it will mean you have to stay strong and keep him out of your lives. And above all else, he won't be able to twist things and gain custody. You have done the right thing for yourself and your children, painful though it is.

@majestic26am going through exactly the same. It’s been stressful. I reported at the time it happened to me because he wouldn’t leave. The police charged him. Social services were informed and they’ve done assessments. My child was not at home when it happened. CPS made decision to prosecute even though I really didn’t want it due to the stress it put me under. I’ve had no choice. I was witness summonsed to court and forced to testify. The court experience was not supportive to me at all. I was basically thrown in and left to deal with it.
He’s been found guilty of threats to kill, criminal damage and assault by beating (that one can mean a touch), now awaiting sentencing at crown court and on judges remand until then.
I thought I’d be supported, instead I feel like I’m a police stat for getting a conviction. None of my wishes have been listened to or taken into account. Police stopped contacting me when they got their statement. CPS completely ignored me so I’ve never been able to speak to them. Social services involved the school etc, questioned my child at school even though they were away when the incident occurred. I’d be very hesitant to report anything again. The whole process has traumatised me.

Fucking hell, that is totally horrific. A jail cell is where he needs to be. Please do not feel guilty or sorry for him. That is a serious, violent crime against the mother of his children.

To be honest, no - I don't think I have processed it at all. When I think back to it, my memories are like an out of body experience or watching a film. I think my brain is detaching me from it on purpose because it would be very damaging to feel the extent of it.

@Fortherightreason I'm really sorry to hear that was your experience. I'll be honest, I've had a little of the same so far. I was assured I would be contacted when he was released - I wasn't, I found out through my partner's mum, who had been in touch with him. I got a really brief apology when I did manage to get in touch with them to ask about his status. I've been briefly told his bail terms and I made it clear again that I don't want to be dragged into court (for the reasons you've outlined) so I just hope they take it into account. I understand that once a case is in the hands of the CPS it's not up to us whether they proceed with it, but the thought of having to testify makes my stomach churn.

It personally feels like the police were quick to come in very heavy-handed, make an arrest without even contacting me first, but then couldn't be bothered to follow up with me and make sure I understood what was happening. I feel a bit hung out to dry.

My family and my partner's family have been very supportive thankfully. My son's school is aware. I chatted to his teacher, who looked me dead in the eye and said 'well done'. I burst out crying.

Thank you to everyone who has left comments trying to get me to understand the weight of what he's done. It has actually helped me come to terms with how serious his actions were, as I've been blocking it out.

Don't. He obviously didn't worry about you feeling alone and scared when he had his hands round your neck.
Think about what would have happened if you had died. He would have been doing a life sentence and your children would have been motherless alone and scared living either with relatives or going into care.
Did he think about that when he chose violence.
I'd be bloody angry.

You still love him Op but this can't go on, he's seperated you from your friends and family to make it easier to control you, when you were brave enough to stand up to him he harranged and hurt you for an hour to make sure you never challanged him again.
Let the police do their job @majestic26 , he's dangerous and you are at real risk from him, men like him are always at their very worst when you stand up to them.
If nothing else will make you see him as he really is then think of your DC, he could of killed you, he'd have gone to prison, your DC would be traumatised for ever

@majestic26 Did you make an official statement? I did because I thought they’d help. I did try and retract because I just wanted to be left alone. It’s been 9 months of hell for me. Court was only 2 weeks ago due to delays and backlogs. They told me if I didn’t attend I’d be arrested to be taken there and if I refused to speak I’d be in contempt.

If your partner has strangled you in the past, your risk of being killed by them is 10 times higher.

That's awful. I understand the police have a job to do and it involves putting dangerous people away, but they also have a duty of care to victims and it sounds like you've been put through the wringer. I hope you're getting some kind of support now.

I didn't make an official statement, but I did give my version of events in writing and they added a bit of a footnote saying 'all of the above is true but I don't want to go to court due to emotional upheaval it would cause' etc. I signed it and they said they will submit to the courts as they decide whether to take the case further.

Think of it this way - your actions mean your children still have a mother. Next time, and there is always one, he would have killed you. Men who strangle women always do it again, and always ramp it up.
He may feel scared but he will have been treated with courtesy even whilst being booked in and put in a cell. Maybe when he was in there he had a chance to reflect.
You could not go on the way you were. Imagine if one of your children witnessed it next time? Watched their own mum being killed? I am sure you weed far more frightened thinking you were about to die.
I know your partner’s mum may seem supportive but to be quite frank, right now I’d give her a wide birth. She is still his mother and as you know a mum’s instinct is powerful.
Whatever happens next, you are going to need help, support and counselling.
And even if he begs for forgiveness, you must never go back.
You have been truly brave.

I hope you get the 28 days.. to process this, put the remainder of your ducks in a row. I hope you reach out to someone like Women's Aid for help to plan how to deal with all this.
You have been very brave and your children will benefit from that. He could have hurt your children to punish you.
Have you spoken to a solicitor?

It's very human to feel sorry for him, OP. You were with him for a long time and he is the father of your children.

What I would say is, he doesn't allow you the same grace.

He has spent years abusing you and very nearly killed you.

Every time you feel sorry for him, remember he came VERY close to taking your babies' Mother away from them, and that if he had the chance, he'd likely try again.

Police have very little discretion when it comes to domestic violence and so when an offence is disclosed thy will take positive action ie arrest with a view to charge (either remand if it fits the criteria or be put on bail).

Historically many women were asked if they wanted to press charges but would decline - mostly out of fear of repercussions, so police will make these decisions now in order to safeguard the victim. It’s all to do with murder prevention as the statistics for this are high, especially when strangulation has been part of the offending. It’s a high risk marker.

I am sorry you have felt not very involved in the case.please ask to speak to the OIC (officer in the case) for an update and ask to be referred to an IDVA (independent domestic violence advisor) as they will be the ones to give you the support whilst the case is ongoing. Good luck OP.

I'm really just here to echo other posters and offer sympathy. He is a monster, maybe not always, but something has flipped, and I don't think he will be safe to be around anymore.

Totally understandable that you worry about the person you've been with so long and is father to your kids.

BUT! You are protecting not only yourself, but your kids. He would have escalated and your DCs would have had no mother. And l now that it's on record, you're protecting other women as the information will be there via Clares law.

I'm sorry that the follow up from the police has been lacking though.

Yes you 1000% did the right thing.

Do not for one single second feel sorry for him- he is a criminal. His being in police custody is a very simple and natural consequence of his actions.

Do you think when he was strangling you that he gave a shit that you were scared?

You've absolutely done the right thing OP. The reason the police are on it is because you're at risk of being murdered in your own home.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. You should not be allowing your ex to see the kids. The courts will back you on this.

Consider contacting Women's Aid. You need serious advice on what to do next.

Omg this is truley awful. You really did the right thing. I wouldnt be in the same room again as someone who did that to me.
You mentioned feeling worried he would be alone in a cell. Its really not that bad, its a room, there is a toilet, they bring food, tea and water.
I would be more worried about yourself when he comes out. Have you got somewhere safe to stay?

Holy shit!
that would have been me out the door there and then kids infront!

Well done OP, this is going to be long, hard slog to shake him out of your life( he’ll try to hang onto his punchbag) but with a future where you are free to live how you want with your DC.
Going back when it feels overwhelming can’t be a choice as there’s no happy ending.