Reported my partner - just need some support

[majestic26]

Today I reported my partner to the police for a domestic violence incident that occurred 2 months ago. They deemed it serious enough to come out and arrest him immediately. He was arrested for non fatal strangulation, criminal damage and intent to kill. We had been together for 12 years and our relationship had gone seriously sour at around the 10 year mark.

For context - when I made the report it was part of a process of getting my 'ducks in a row' so I could leave. I'm in no way trivialising the act of making a police report, but I didn't realise they would come out same day and cart him away. I thought I would be given a crime number and the matter would rest if I didn't want to take it further, but should he try to gain custody of our children in the future (which he has threatened to try and do) then I would have something in writing. Obviously I hadn't comprehended how seriously the police would be duty-bound to take a threat to kill. Everything progressed so quickly and I am finding it hard to process.

I just need some reassurance I've done the right thing. I feel absolutely sick at the thought of him alone in a cell. I know what he's done was awful - enough for the police to come out within 2 hours of the report landing. But I am so scared of what the future holds and what I now have to navigate. I was in the process of trying to leave him, now it feels like it's been fast tracked before I'm ready. I am panicking I've ruined any chance of us co-parenting amicably but I know it was essential that what he did was on record. Now there's talk of banning contact with me and the kids for 28 days.

Feeling confused, scared, panicked, like I've made a terrible mistake.

You've absolutely done the right thing. You need support now. Have you contacted Women's Aid or the Domestic Abuse Helpline?

Whatever happens to him now is because of his own actions. That's on him, you are not responsible for that. Do not feel sorry for him, he's brought this on himself.

Well done on reporting him. What you described is one of the scariest things I have read on here. If a stranger on the street had grabbed you and done that, would you be worried about them alone in a cell, or would you be relieved they are off the street and unable to hurt you again? Why would you not feel the same about someone that is supposed to love and protect you? In fact, it’s worse than a stranger BECAUSE they’re supposed to love and protect you! Please don’t feel guilty or remorseful. I’m guessing he has been abusing you for some time as you seem genuinely surprised at how seriously the police took this. It’s going to take time to unpack your feelings, work through what you’ve been living through, etc. Please accept any offers of therapy you get - for your children too.

This man is exactly where he belongs and I hope they lock him away where he cannot hurt another woman ever again. He chose violence. He chose to threaten to kill you. He chose to actually try to kill you. He let you go purely because he knew he’d scared you enough to get you “back into line” because you’d always have it in your mind that he is capable of killing you. Next time he might not have stopped.

You didn’t deserve that. You did nothing wrong. Him being in jail right now is a consequence of choices and actions made by him and him alone.

I hope you can remain strong and that the police take this as far as possible. Good luck and well done.

Tomorrow , have a nice day with the kids.

Then when they're asleep get a pad or your laptop and start writing out everything - EVERYTHING - he has done to you, said to you, threatened you with over the bad last few years. Including taking the children.

Re-read it to remind yourself everything he did, whenever your sad kind self tries to regret that you did the right thing.

Resist any temptation to minimise - 'he's been under a lot of pressure at work, I wind him up', all the crap that can start talking in your head.

He chose this, because this is who and what he is.

Let your brave tiger mama be the you that wins this battle. And don't let your and your children's names join the list that is read out every year.

Well done.

That was a horrific attack, and you are lucky to be alive. At this point, it came so close to you being dead, him being in jail, and your children having no one. Thank god the police are taking it seriously.

100% you have done the right thing. What if he had killed you ? What would happen to your kids with a deceased mum and their dad locked up in prison? Please speak to your GP about counselling. Also, get the locks changed or quickly move to a new, safer location if possible (don't share your new location with anyone other than your most trusted family/friends.)

If you could survive this horrifying abuse from him, then I should think he can manage being scared and alone in a police cell for perpetrating it.

It is some perverse freak of nature that women's feelings often don't keep up with the reality of what is happening to them when they are with a violent man. Our heads know what should happen yet we have some lingering concern for their wellbeing. Know that is what is happening with your emotions right now.

You have done the right thing and he deserves no one's sympathy, least of all yours. I think I can understand how you feel action has been taken faster than you'd anticipated but that speed is a good thing. It is speedy action that will save women's lives, your life. Get as much support as you can IRL and keep coming here when you are wavering.

I was in the same situation three months (?) ago.

He abused me, threatened me for the last time - I reported him to the police thinking I would get a crime number and it would 'shake him up a bit and make him get some help'. They arrested him that afternoon and he spent the night in a cell.
And what was I doing? The same as you - worried about him because I loved him and cared about him.

It was the worst time of my life and I felt everything that you are feeling. I was worried that he would hate me, that I would lose him, that it was my fault....and on it went, day after day.
Every time someone mentioned 'domestic abuse' it just wouldn't compute with me. I wasn't a victim (survivor) of domestic abuse - how ridiculous! What's wrong with these people that they have this impression of me/him/us?

I wont tell you anything like "you did the right thing" or "it will get better" because at this moment it really doesn't feel like it at all.
It hurts, its scary, its all unfamiliar and you will question yourself every moment of every day. You will cry more than you ever thought humanly possible, you will doubt and question everything that happened.

He is your familiar and of course you will worry about him - life has been thrown into this giant tornado that you are being reluctantly swirled around in.

What I will say is, take one day at a time, take every offer of support going, talk to people, write on here and just keep going.

Everything you are feeling is quite normal - utterly gut wrenching, stomach churning horribly scary - but normal. 🌻

Thank you all for your comments. I am still somewhat in a state of shock and processing. I have been doing a lot of reading about narcissistic abuse and coercive control in the last few weeks and it has all started to make more sense, which is partly what led to this.

I realise I have been experiencing abuse for a while, longer than I thought. Not this aggressive type, but controlling. He doesn't like when I spend my money on things he doesn't approve of. He shouts when I put things in the wrong bin. He gets angry when I disagree with him about anything really - says I'm doing it to spite him.

The past twelve months my world has shrunk. I realised at one point I hadn't seen any family members for 5 months. I stopped seeing friends. It wasn't obvious on his part - just the odd comment. 'They don't deserve spending time with you' or 'they never bother with you, why do you bother with them?'

It is 20 years since we first met. We've been together for 12 of them. It is a hard thing to suddenly switch off your feelings. I think I had become so accustomed to prioritising his feelings and that is still lingering, and maybe always will. Such is the nature of abuse, I suppose.

I will certainly be seeking therapy because it's a lot to unpack. In more practical terms, I am so lucky to have a good job that will allow me to support my family alone. He was a stay at home dad so I have some childcare issues to navigate now. But I have enough money to buy him out of the house we own together. There are women trapped in these scenarios because of a lack of money and work and I am so thankful I am not facing that particular challenge.

@Sunflowers67 thank you for sharing your story. It is so comforting to read that I'm not alone in how I feel, and also that life goes on after these events. I hope you're safe, healthy and on a pathway towards happiness and contentment.

Please don’t feel any guilt over this. What he did was totally unacceptable- and even if it was 2 months ago - the police will still take matters like this seriously - they have to especially with Clare’s Law etc.

It takes courage to do what you did… so fair play to you.

Custody isn’t awful. You’re given a cup of tea, food if you want it. Books if you need them. Someone to talk to. Staff are professionals, it’s not some TV jail.

id recommend a DVPO, which means he can’t come to the address for at least a month (28 days) which should give you enough time to find somewhere to live or get home somewhere to live.

id also consider a refuge.

You coukd have left your children motherless

You 💯 did the right thing

Do you think he hated the thought of how scared and alone you felt when he was strangling you and telling you he was going to kill you?

I think you’re very brave OP.

I also think it’s normal to have so many conflicting feelings over this. Even though you’re beginning to see how controlling this is, you can’t just suddenly flick a switch and have no more feelings toward him. However, the feelings to lean into are the ones you felt the night he attacked you, not the feelings of concern about him being alone in a cell.

If you can, it’ll probably help to get some counselling (someone who understands controlling relationships) to help you navigate your way through this. Controllers don’t like to easily let go and you’re going to need a set of skills to help you maintain that strength.

But honestly, well done on taking that first, gigantic step. You might even inspire other women here in a similar position, to do the same.

Someone once said to me..
"would you let a stranger get away with doing that to you?"

If the answer is no then you need to question why would you let your partner?

Also please do not feel sorry for him.
YOU haven't made him scared and alone HIS ACTIONS have put him where he is.

Stay strong you've done the right thing for you and your children you should be proud of yourself #rolemodel <3

Look up 'trauma bond'.
Also speak to Women's Aid or Refuge.
I'm sorry to say the danger will never be over whilst he knows where you are.
Sending all the strength in the world to do what you need to do.

Well done for making a change after all these years. Please speak to a therapist or domestic abuse charity. I recommend the Freedom programme.

You absolutely did the right thing!
Him in a cell, no contact for a while, his future access to your children, etc. are a results of his horrible abuse towards you, not a result of you telling the police. I think you might be in the mindset of things being your fault (is that what he's told you for years maybe) but it is on him. These are the consequences of his actions, not yours.
Not dismissing that it is scary for you, that it's going very fast and it must be very disturbing for you, because you also have to suffer these consequences - but you absolutely did the right thing. Your life will be better, safer, happier as a result, a bit further down the road. ❤️

What a very wise and practical reply.

Imagine your kids waking up in the morning to the sight of your dead body in the kitchen. Do you still feel sorry for him?
I do feel for you. Many abused women think thair fault and feel protective of the perpetrator. This is why you should focus on the sight of your children finding their mother murdered by their father. Who says they weren't to go next ? Your empathy should be with them, not the monster who tried to kill you. ❤️

I'm so, so sorry this happened to you. This man deserves not one second of your pity. You have absolutely done the right thing in reporting him.

Of course you did the right thing.

The children were in the house. It’s very unlikely they slept through the noise that would have gone along with that attack and his torment and abuse of you. Hearing domestic violence is as harmful and terrifying as seeing it.

Save your concerns for the children. Co-parenting with a man capable of this and his behaviour towards you generally is not ever going to go well. So separating amicably (as if he’s going to be reasonable?) was never going to happen. And you can’t stay in a relationship like this so getting services involved to keep you safe is the only course of action.

With respect, there is little chance of successfully co- parenting with someone who was prepared to kill you. Reporting his crime won’t change the extent to which you could “ get along” for the children. I’m not dismissing your desire to work together for the children but sadly doubt he would have ever made that a possibility with or without police involvement. You have done nothing wrong here

Also today - reach out to all your family and friends and TELL them what he has done, that he is in a cell, that he assaulted and threatened to kill you, that you will be ending the marriage for your children's and your own safety.

Get a solicitor and confirm your rights.

On Monday, tell your line manager.

And your children's teachers/ head teachers (they need to understand what's happening and what support your children may need).

You need your team, your people around you.

The truth needs to be out there - and it needs to be controlled by you.