Page 4 | Reported my partner - just need some support

majestic26 · 2025-06-28T22:04:17+00:00

Today I reported my partner to the police for a domestic violence incident that occurred 2 months ago. They deemed it serious enough to come out and arrest him immediately. He was arrested for non fatal strangulation, criminal damage and intent to kill. We had been together for 12 years and our relationship had gone seriously sour at around the 10 year mark. For context - when I made the report it was part of a process of getting my 'ducks in a row' so I could leave. I'm in no way trivialising the act of making a police report, but I didn't realise they would come out same day and cart him away. I thought I would be given a crime number and the matter would rest if I didn't want to take it further, but should he try to gain custody of our children in the future (which he has threatened to try and do) then I would have something in writing. Obviously I hadn't comprehended how seriously the police would be duty-bound to take a threat to kill. Everything progressed so quickly and I am finding it hard to process. I just need some reassurance I've done the right thing. I feel absolutely sick at the thought of him alone in a cell. I know what he's done was awful - enough for the police to come out within 2 hours of the report landing. But I am so scared of what the future holds and what I now have to navigate. I was in the process of trying to leave him, now it feels like it's been fast tracked before I'm ready. I am panicking I've ruined any chance of us co-parenting amicably but I know it was essential that what he did was on record. Now there's talk of banning contact with me and the kids for 28 days. Feeling confused, scared, panicked, like I've made a terrible mistake.

Shelllendyouhertoothbrushtoo · 01/07/2025 22:53

" I am panicking I've ruined any chance of us co-parenting amicably"

Firstly - HE has ruined any chance of this.
Secondly - he should not be around your children at all.

ConstitutionHill · 01/07/2025 23:11

Did your kids really sleep through the entire thing? You are sad that he might be feeling scared and alone? Where is your rage, how dare he act like this?

Sunflowers67 · 02/07/2025 10:38

I feel everything that you are feeling and wanted to send a huge hug.
Please try not to think too far ahead at the moment - just take one day at a time.
I found the police to be initially very helpful and supportive, although information wasn't flowing down to me as quickly as I would have liked also. If he was having his bail hearing/appointment at the police station at 10am on Wednesday, I wanted and needed to know the outcome by 10.15am! They don't realise that this is all you can think about and they have 101 other cases to deal with. I believe they are doing their best with the resources that they have. There are also a lot of us ladies out there currently going through the same thing that also need them - that's what I kept telling myself anyway.

My abusive ex partner was arrested, initially on bail conditions to not approach me or the home for 28 days, then another 28 days and now another 28 days. I have also just been informed that the police have concluded their investigation and it has been passed to the CPS to see if they wish to prosecute.
Part of me hopes they do and part of me hopes they dont.

The 'hope they do' part is because he needs to know that this was not acceptable. He needs to be accountable for what he did to me. It may also open up some doors for him to get some help (doubtful though).
The 'hope they dont' part is solely because I am terrified of going to court. I can imagine not being able to string three words together, let alone put across what happened in a dignified and succinct way. I know I will be a blubbering mess, I know I will hate to look at him or see him and I also feel so guilty and responsible for it all - that's the trauma bond speaking. I know deep down that he is fully responsible, but this is the man I shared my life with, my best friend and my partner for life. What the hell am I doing to him? These thoughts just go round and round and I cannot imagine having to be in that court, helping to 'seal his fate'.

Then, I give myself a butt kick - he did this, he is responsible, he made choices and now he has consequences. If his previous two wives had gone to court then I wouldn't be in this position now. I have a duty to all the other women out there to do my bit, be brave, be strong and just do it.

Its also a long way off yet - that means more healing time, I will get stronger and so will you - just focus on the here and now and re-building yourself a day at a time.

I absolutely promise you that each week you will feel a little better, things will become a little clearer, you will start to see who the responsibility for his actions lies with - yes you will still love and care for him, you will still worry about him and you will still hurt - but it really does get better and better the longer you are away from these damaged people.

Try and do something nice today - even something small that is just for you 🌻

fashionqueen0123 · 02/07/2025 21:41

Sunflowers67 · 02/07/2025 10:38

I feel everything that you are feeling and wanted to send a huge hug.
Please try not to think too far ahead at the moment - just take one day at a time.
I found the police to be initially very helpful and supportive, although information wasn't flowing down to me as quickly as I would have liked also. If he was having his bail hearing/appointment at the police station at 10am on Wednesday, I wanted and needed to know the outcome by 10.15am! They don't realise that this is all you can think about and they have 101 other cases to deal with. I believe they are doing their best with the resources that they have. There are also a lot of us ladies out there currently going through the same thing that also need them - that's what I kept telling myself anyway.

My abusive ex partner was arrested, initially on bail conditions to not approach me or the home for 28 days, then another 28 days and now another 28 days. I have also just been informed that the police have concluded their investigation and it has been passed to the CPS to see if they wish to prosecute.
Part of me hopes they do and part of me hopes they dont.

The 'hope they do' part is because he needs to know that this was not acceptable. He needs to be accountable for what he did to me. It may also open up some doors for him to get some help (doubtful though).
The 'hope they dont' part is solely because I am terrified of going to court. I can imagine not being able to string three words together, let alone put across what happened in a dignified and succinct way. I know I will be a blubbering mess, I know I will hate to look at him or see him and I also feel so guilty and responsible for it all - that's the trauma bond speaking. I know deep down that he is fully responsible, but this is the man I shared my life with, my best friend and my partner for life. What the hell am I doing to him? These thoughts just go round and round and I cannot imagine having to be in that court, helping to 'seal his fate'.

Then, I give myself a butt kick - he did this, he is responsible, he made choices and now he has consequences. If his previous two wives had gone to court then I wouldn't be in this position now. I have a duty to all the other women out there to do my bit, be brave, be strong and just do it.

Its also a long way off yet - that means more healing time, I will get stronger and so will you - just focus on the here and now and re-building yourself a day at a time.

I absolutely promise you that each week you will feel a little better, things will become a little clearer, you will start to see who the responsibility for his actions lies with - yes you will still love and care for him, you will still worry about him and you will still hurt - but it really does get better and better the longer you are away from these damaged people.

Try and do something nice today - even something small that is just for you 🌻

Can you go behind a screen at court?

LoveSandbanks · 02/07/2025 22:12

Please remember it was his actions that led to this, not you reporting them.

you’ve absolutely done the right thing, sending strength

Sunflowers67 · 02/07/2025 23:36

Can you go behind a screen at court?
Yes you can - but I will still know who is the other side.
You can also do it via video link from another place entirely - I have been advised not to do that though. They feel that outcomes are better if the powers that be can see/feel your pain and suffering (better for who - not me that's for sure, but I get their drift).

Don't want to hijack this thread any longer so I will post an update on my own soon.

Just keep on going everyone - sunny days are on their way for all of us 🌻

Anotherusername998 · 02/07/2025 23:48

I was in a similar situation to you 10 years ago. I initially told the police I didn’t want to go to court. But I eventually changed my mind. I am so grateful that I did. His criminal convictions have been so pivotal in keeping my children safe. Please consider going to court to tell the court what happened. Without them I think there is a chance my children and I would not be alive today.

PoisedRoseWasp · 03/07/2025 07:35

Don't let him back; I had my partner arrested for revenge porn, and when he was released he confidently told the officer to call me and ask me to collect him. Of course, I did and was delighted to see him, thinking this would be a fresh start and a new chapter.

He has since done everything he can to blame ME for being arrested. Saying "I don't know why you took it that far, you love getting compliments from other men". He does it ALL the time, again, no responsibility for what he's done.

He will hold it against you, make you believe it's all your fault, if he's anything like my partner.