My husband commented on my weight during an argument

[SS24]

Hi, I'm not sure if I'm being extra but just wanted thoughts on this. My husband has anger issues & I've told him get help for this but he refuses to so whenever we argue he says the most hurtful things from calling me a "whore" (which him not as I've only been wit him) to "a waste of a wife" to "he could have married better & I should divorce him" - these hurt but today he commented on my weight & said "well I'm sick of your PCOS drama, go lose some weight and be a size 8 then I'll respect you".
I am not fat. I have gone up a dress size since being married, I'm on a waiting list to see a gynaecologist but I've been told it's impossible to lose weight right now as my bloods are showing I'm fighting inflammation. My GP said once these return to normal I can work on losing weight if I want to.
I work full time, pay bills, manage the house, cook clean, book holidays & plan everything but he still says I'm useless & I should fix myself.
I am so hurt by what he said. He afterwards & said "right can we call it a truce now?" - I responded saying I didn't want to talk to him as he went to far. He's come again saying "so we're not going past this then? You're ruining our marriage".
I still don't want to talk to him & just feel so hurt. I can forgive him for all the other comments he's said but this time I can't let this one drop. He knows how unwell & exhausted I've been with my health.

Any advice would be appreciated.

I’d never have guessed he was 35.

I hate to say it, but I suspect if he’s that old, the die is cast.

Definitely opening up! It's the first time I'm speaking about it, I'm so glad I did it on here today. Everyone has been so helpful. Yes we both work, I don't rely on him for money as then that would be a whole other can of worms... Thank you for the link, I'll definitely be going through it.

It benefits him to have you think you’re the problem, as then you’re less likely to leave him. Just like it benefits him to have your self esteem be rock bottom for the same reason.

You're only in your late 20s - you have decades ahead of you.

Plenty of time to find a good man (who doesn't only play 'lovely' when it suits him) and maybe a family - or to decide the single life is for you. All that world waiting for you to take it.

I can forgive him for all the other comments he's said but this time I can't let this one drop.

You shouldn't be forgiving him for any of it.

He's an abusive, gas lighting twat and he's not going to change.

I think you need to take some time to decide what you want from the next few decades. If it's not to be married to a shitbag who has no respect or care for you then you know what to do.

That said, they can see why op particularly stubbed her toe on the “ be a size 8 and I’ll respect you” comment.

So much to unpack from that statement. 😬🙄

It's a tenancy agreement until next year.. I would have to contact our landlady & see if it could end but I don't think I can early without costs. I can find out.

I ignored all the things he said because I fell for what he said, that it's all my fault but now I'm seeing things clearly.

I will keep Shelter in mind if needed, thank you.

Sadly I've realised he's immature. I'm so silly for being blind.

I've stupidly given in to his apologies that's why I've forgiven & then he goes back to being nice again.

I don't want it to carry on, as now I know he won't change.

Looking back I enjoyed single life for years before all this but I'd love a family in a home with a husband that respects us & vice versa.

Perhaps opening up to your landlady if you feel safe to, telling her what's happened and why you feel you must leave, would be a good move?

I really don't want to live like this forever.

I've just gotten a cat actually, I guess maybe it could just be me & my cat moving forward..

Well he would say that, wouldn't he? He's never going to put his hand up and admit that he is an abusive swine. Abusers never do. They always twist it round and make their victim feel bad. It is just yet more of their abuse. Look up DARVO.

I don't think I could tell her the details but I guess I can ask as a generic that my circumstances have changed & find out if the tenancy can be terminated.

Thank you for your advice.

I think you'll be surprised at what a calm, nurturing home and life away from him will do for the inflammation in your body.

I'm starting to think it would disappear! You have all opened my eyes on here.

My ex used to say it was my fault for making him angry, so it was my fault he hit me.

I think you'll find she will be sympathetic if you tell her that you are moving out because you are fleeing an abusive relationship.

Hitting you was never your fault! I'm glad he's your ex.

I was in an emotional/verbally abusive marriage for 24 years. The way your husband talks to you is the same way my husband talked to me. I would recommend you reading, When Loving Him is Hurting You by David B. Hawkins. I read it twice. The second time I read it I realized that my husband was abusive. I had been seeing a therapist and questioning if I was being abused since 2016. It took me until 2023 to leave him. It was very hard for me to believe that I was in an abusive relationship. I have to talk to my ex because we have 4 children and one is a minor. He can be so nice at times. If I did not keep journals of the abuse I would probably have been back with him. I know how hard it is to believe that the one you love so much can be abusive to you especially when he can be so nice at times.

No children and living in rented accommodation OP? Very easy to get out of this one then, in that case. Nothing tying you to the abusive c*nt.
If you haven't already, start saving some money to rent a new place far away from him. If this isn't possible right now, can you go and stay with family while you get back on your feet?
Also contact Women's Aid for support.

YABU for asking if you are being 'extra'. Wtf does that even mean?

I did this with my abusive ex back in 2009. We had a joint tenancy and he was violent towards me. I contacted the landlady when I was at work and I told her everything about the relationship and why I could no longer continue to live there. She was fine about taking me off the tenancy after I explained and her single tenant became my ex on his own. I wasn't chased up for any bills or anything. You'd be surprised how understanding people can be.

You also appear to be the one with all the life skills! Doing the paperwork and the bills as well as having your own income and I assume pension means you are way better off than so many women here.

I'd suggest you get your valuables together and safe, all the financials sorted.

I didn’t even have to read your whole original posts to come to the conclusion that you should leave the wanker. There is no context/excuse/explanation in which you should have to accept those words.

It makes me so sad that you have to hear those words about yourself. Please leave him.