5 years on from the affair and not recovered

[Puzzlez]

Hi. I was hoping for some feedback from people on my situation.

My long term partner had an affair 5 years ago. It was all horribly messy. The circumstances were particularly difficult at a time where things in my life were already overwhelming and I sustained considerable trauma.

We weren't married, and we both had grown up children but I think it hit me particularly hard because it was so shocking. So unlike him. And sadly after the discovery he did the worst possible thing which was to persuade me to reconcile only to betray me several times again. Realistically it was probably 18 months of on and off torture from the first day I discovered the affair.

I've survived, but certainly part of me died in a way and I've felt like the essence of me hasn't returned and never will return.

After a full blown breakdown, I got back up. I got back to work. I regained my ability to get on with daily life, but I'm fundamentally changed.

I don't really feel joy, hope, excitement or even peace. Just sort of either mild anxiety or a kind of contentment. I feel very disconnected from myself and quite lost.

I stopped being social, cut off all my friends and more or less just see immediate family. My coping mechanism is work. I work all the time and if I keep my brain busy then I can't think about it or remember it.

I stayed with my partner. Although we split for a while. He did everything he could. He's exceptionally devoted and loving and is completely mortified about the past. He wants to know what he can do to help but I don't know the answer.

I have grown children and I'm 49 and part of me longs to just pack a bag and walk out and spend the rest of my life just wandering. Because I don't feel like the same person anymore and I feel like I don't belong in my life.

I've tried a few times to discuss this with my partner but he becomes really panicked and says I'm everything really so he doesn't know how to think of life without me. He just keeps trying to fix it. Most of the time I just work so I can pretend.

That's not to say I'm crying all day. We just get on with things and most days laugh and cuddle and cook dinner and go on holidays and he's always trying to make me happy for which I feel touched but also sad.

This is rambling.

Can anyone identify at all with this?

OP kindly this is the equivalent of continuing to drink the same poison every day and wondering why 5 years later you still feel unwell.

Until you remove the poison from your life you cannot even start to heal.

You need therapy, preferably couples to get through this otherwise the first post is nailing it I’m afraid.

Have you had therapy? It would be helpful to work out why you are still in the relationship. You need someone in your corner to help you think things through.

Why are you still with him?

I really don't agree about couples therapy, I was suggesting solo.

He's asked me to do therapy, but I can't really imagine going through the things that happened and saying it all out loud. I try to block them out and dragging them up feels very difficult.

I think the reason running off /emigrating feels so appealing is because nothing around me could remind me of any of it. It would be like escaping completely from myself.

This is what I'm wondering OP.

Do you really need to emigrate or disappear? Why not start by ending this relationship which is causing you so much pain.?

You don't have to say the details, a good therapist will work with your feelings and respect your boundaries.

Solo therapy could give some space to find yourself.

Yes but wherever you go, you will be there. You have to get it out, put air into it and get rid of it. It’s not gone after 5 years and won’t be gone after 10. You have to deal with it.

Im sorry he did this to you.

He wants to break up with you, but is too cowardly to do it. He wants you to be the one to break the relationship up. He sounds truly awful. You deserve better.

@Puzzlez : My wife had an affair, we stayed together and, 15 years later, I'm having therapy because I'm not over it (and other issues.) Marriages can recover after affairs, but that's not guaranteed. I'm sorry I can't be more encouraging.

BTW i don't think the relationship has anything to do with how I feel. But suffice to say this: He is "the one" if such a thing exists. I think that's why the heartbreak is so profound maybe. There wouldn't be anyone else. We just fit together.

I don't feel unloved or unsatisfied or anything like that. He's a really good partner. I don't feel I need him, but actually he's one of the only things that can make me feel better.

He did genuinely terrible things but has atoned tenfold. I'm not still angry. There's no resentment. I'll never fully understand what happened and I am not sure he does either.

I am just intensely sad because I don't feel like I'm going to recover.

You need therapy for exactly this reason. You can’t outrun the pain. You haven’t dealt with it and it’s eating you up. What’s the worst that can happen? You say it out loud realise how awful it was, you can’t be with him and leave? Reading between the lines this is want you want at the moment. You are just frozen, waiting for the world to implode around you.

It’s time to start facing it head on and taking control of your life. If you feel this way after five years nothing is going to change if you don’t change. You are still have so much life to live and you will regret wasting it. Future you is begging you to deal with this trauma and move on in any way you decide is best for you. Do not let him dictate your happiness. He had the affair. Just because you agreed to reconcile doesn’t mean you can’t change your mind if the reality is — what was broken is unfixable. Doing therapy (solo and then couples if you decide you want to try) will help you see a future where happiness and fulfilment is possible.

I'm sorry you have that but it's sort of a relief to hear someone else say it because I feel like there's something wrong with me.

Instead of trying to get back to the old you and feeling like you’re failing, accept that the old you is gone.
Get to know this new you. What does the new you need. What does she want and need to be at peace? Is the new you compatible with your partner.
Your partner will be desperate to get the old you back but he killed her, she’s gone.
So if the new you wants to pack a bag and disappear, let her. Even a weekend away by yourself. Pack a bag, drive or get a train or even a flight by yourself and just really think what you need from your life to feel whole again.

You have not processed this trauma OP. It's been sitting heavy on you and now it's overwheming you. You cannot have processed it if after 5 years you are still not able to talk about it.

Are you sure you are not just pushing everthing else under the carpet too. He doesn't sound as lovely as you are making him out to be.

He sounds rather manipulative from what you have posted.

It sounds like the affair might have taken away your sense of the world being safe/ good/worthwhile? I can relate.

And I agree that (solo) therapy could help. IME, it is possible to recover. But for me it took a long time and I did need ( therapy) help with it.

Jesus why did you stay really? Sounds like you have lost yourself.

I would get a good therapist to unpick this.

but really isn’t it better to be the ‘old you’ but alone?

Thank you. I did just go away for a few weeks travelling and although I missed him, he flew out to me, being away from life felt good.

I think I feel shame. I can't really explain it. Like my identity used to be wrapped up in being vibrant and fun and the life of every party and now I don't like who I am.

It's not being away from him I want. It's everything. Objects, furniture, buildings, all these things which became triggers of terrible memories.

He says to him I'm the same kind and funny person, he says I am seeing myself through a different lens but I think he just wants me to be happy.

I was 29, married, thin and gorgeous. I am now none of these things!

You sound shut down, understandably. You're still seeing the person who has caused such a drastic trauma response. Shutting down so hard keeps you from feeling triggered when you see him. You've isolated yourself and that's not a healthy response.

Have you had any therapy at all? You might need to be evaluated and get treatment because it sounds like your mental health is not in a good place.

Thinking about emigrating is thinking about leaving that person. You could just leave him. It's not like you owe him jack. He keeps you locked into your trauma response because he thinks he can fix what he broke. He can't.

Unless you deal with the trauma he inflicted on you and whatever results it's had, you will still carry that with you.

Are you saying that you needed space after what he did, yet he flew out to where you were. So you didn't get your time to digest in your own time.

And yes I am sure he wants you to be happy, but also the person you were before he repeatedly fucked you over.

Can you see a pattern here OP.....

It took me 14 years after discovering my XHs cheating for me to leave.
14 years of trying to heal, trying to move on.
But our relationship died that day, I went through the motions for 14 years till I admitted that to myself.

You feel low all the time because you're not living, you're existing.
You switched your feelings off 5 years ago to protect yourself and you don't feel safe enough to switch them back on.
Go to therapy, or you'll just exist till you don't.

But suffice to say this: He is "the one" if such a thing exists. I think that's why the heartbreak is so profound maybe. There wouldn't be anyone else. We just fit together.

Sorry, OP, but this is a completely toxic mindset.

OP, you're describing symptoms of ptsd, you really do need some help to process what happened to you. The wanting to escape any reminders, the loss of joy and meaning, no longer feeling like yourself, all recognised responses to traumatic life events that haven't been recovered from.

Have a look at the PCL5 questionnaire that's used to assess trauma symptoms
https://www.ptsd.va.gov/professional/assessment/documents/PCL5_Standard_form.pdf