5 years on from the affair and not recovered

[Puzzlez]

Hi. I was hoping for some feedback from people on my situation.

My long term partner had an affair 5 years ago. It was all horribly messy. The circumstances were particularly difficult at a time where things in my life were already overwhelming and I sustained considerable trauma.

We weren't married, and we both had grown up children but I think it hit me particularly hard because it was so shocking. So unlike him. And sadly after the discovery he did the worst possible thing which was to persuade me to reconcile only to betray me several times again. Realistically it was probably 18 months of on and off torture from the first day I discovered the affair.

I've survived, but certainly part of me died in a way and I've felt like the essence of me hasn't returned and never will return.

After a full blown breakdown, I got back up. I got back to work. I regained my ability to get on with daily life, but I'm fundamentally changed.

I don't really feel joy, hope, excitement or even peace. Just sort of either mild anxiety or a kind of contentment. I feel very disconnected from myself and quite lost.

I stopped being social, cut off all my friends and more or less just see immediate family. My coping mechanism is work. I work all the time and if I keep my brain busy then I can't think about it or remember it.

I stayed with my partner. Although we split for a while. He did everything he could. He's exceptionally devoted and loving and is completely mortified about the past. He wants to know what he can do to help but I don't know the answer.

I have grown children and I'm 49 and part of me longs to just pack a bag and walk out and spend the rest of my life just wandering. Because I don't feel like the same person anymore and I feel like I don't belong in my life.

I've tried a few times to discuss this with my partner but he becomes really panicked and says I'm everything really so he doesn't know how to think of life without me. He just keeps trying to fix it. Most of the time I just work so I can pretend.

That's not to say I'm crying all day. We just get on with things and most days laugh and cuddle and cook dinner and go on holidays and he's always trying to make me happy for which I feel touched but also sad.

This is rambling.

Can anyone identify at all with this?

No. I'm saying I wanted to go travelling for a few weeks and because I'm self employed I was able to go and work from a beach for a few weeks :) He has a day job, so joined me for a week.

He can want whatever he wants, apologise a million times, but he is the person who did this awful thing to you, and you are being triggered over and over again, all day every day.

No wonder you are emotionally spent and exhausted.

You are telling yourself he is "the one" - but this mindset means you tying yourself to your torturer. You are telling yourself your only options are to accept life with your tormentor or alternatively, vanish.

How about you make him vanish instead? - from your life, not the face of the earth I hasten to add!

He can be as nice as he likes but he did what he did and claims to have no idea why (spoiler, I expect his dick and a fair dose of selfishness were involved).

Honestly he has no right to expect you to stay if it isn't working for you (and from what Ive read, it generally doesn't work, it's not just you). He can apologise all he likes but you both know what he did. He poisoned the well and I really think it would be in your interest to remove him from your life.

OP you sound completely traumatised. And everything around you triggers memories (possibly flashbacks?), therefore it makes sense you’re trying to get away from the triggers/run away. The other thing is, even though he did this it seems to have completely changed how you feel about yourself. You feel shame, have pushed people close to you away; it really reads as though what has happened has had an immense impact on how you view yourself and the world around you. Runing away and working all hours sadly isn’t a long term solution. I would agree with pp that therapy is the only way to address this. I wondered about EMDR or trauma focussed CBT. It really sounds like you’re traumatised/have possible PTSD and are also depressed. So so sorry OP 😪

He’s definitely not the one

Yes, I agree I do have PTSD.

I don't really go on about it as it feels like a dramatic label but I identify with all the symptoms.

I've experienced sad and traumatic things before but when they are over they feel distant from me.

This is difficult to move forward from because the slightest reminder and it feels like I'm still there.

He is not a trigger for me. Strange things are. Objects typically. Places. Photos of myself are very triggery.

This is all completely exactly how it is, and thanks to you and others for understanding this.

If you hang on to this belief that he's "the one" then you will never feel safe or truly happy, because this is the same man who hurt you deeply, repeatedly and cruelly.

You are living with the person who destroyed your ability to trust the people closest to you, he took away your faith in the world as reasonably safe and predictable.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, OP. A good therapist will work at a pace that is manageable for you, that won't overwhelm you, and will help you find yourself again.

Christ alive woman get therapy and leave. You’re worth more and this is toxic.

"Like my identity used to be wrapped up in being vibrant and fun and the life of every party"
Maybe its me but "my identity was wrapped up in" seems to be a slightly odd way of describing yourself....like it wasn't really you but how you behaved? I do think that you need help to discover this new you. Neither of you are the same people and 5 years is a long time to not know and be comfortable with who you are.

You’re experiencing bereavement - for the person you thought your partner was, the life you thought you had, the plans you were making, the person you were. Betrayal fundamentally changes you. It’s like finding everything you thought was true is a lie, and the paradox of person you want most to comfort you is the person who has caused you most pain is almost unbearable.

In your heart of hearts, do you still want him?

I'm so sorry your going through this OP. It sounds like you're desperate to stay but you're inner voice is traumatised by what he did and wants to leave. So you're trapping yourself with these feelings.

I think you won't feel better until you leave him. It's been four years - time to call it a day and start to finally heal.

It's an act of self-harm to stay with someone who has been disloyal to you on numerous occasions.

i don't know how you can take anything he says seriously, he's a liar and a cheat.

you shouldn't have to block out memories to be able to stay with someone who's cheated on you. Honestly, don't do that to yourself. Get rid of him.

I can definitely identify OP; my DH had an affair 2 years ago and I’ve still not recovered. Similar to your DH it was completely out of character, he’s mortified, we have adult children. It’s such a shit thing to do to somebody; we’d been married 30 years.
I still get upset, still need to ask him questions, feel like part of me disappeared; he destroyed my innocence. I wouldn’t recommend couples counseling; it worsened our situation. He also wants to fix it; that’s a very male response and unfortunately some situations can’t be completely fixed.
Do you ever feel that you’re improving, op? That in some tiny way each month is better? If so you need to grab hold of those moments and try to build on them. It’s great to cuddle and laugh; go with the flow, try to extend these times. I do that with my DH (then the next day I ignore him again; or ask him questions.)
Could you try to start seeing friends again? That’s a very positive thing and would give you a sense of belonging. You obviously don’t need to tell them what’s been going on; use them to try to rebuild yourself. He’s broken part of you but you can rebuild a stronger version.
Do you have any hobbies? If so try to develop them; again it’s rebuilding.
Don't try to focus too much on a life with him because he doesn’t deserve it. You may decide to increasingly incorporate him into your life but for now you need to build up the bits that aren’t related to him. That ensures that you can never be as hurt again.

It’s good to read you’re recognising this. The thing is OP, when you’re traumatised, avoiding triggers isn’t a long term solution. The way our brains work when dealing with trauma memories is like trying to shove lots of files into a cabinet in a random/chaotic order and shut the door on them. (That’s like avoiding thinking or talking about it). But the cabinet door keeps opening (ie your trauma memories keep intruding on you) over and over because they’re not filed away in your brain properly like non traumatic memories. So the cabinet door bursts open (= flashbacks), you shove all the files into the messy cabinet (= you work non stop to avoid them or want to run away to avoid them), you have peace for a while (short term solution) but then the door bursts open again. In therapy you learn to open the door, slowly and when you are ready, to look at all the files, one by one, and then file them away neatly. That way the memories are still there but they’ve lost their power over you, they’re no longer intruding and you have control over when to think and talk about them as you have processed it. A PTSD trained therapist could help you with all of this and could help you process the trauma so you can live again OP. You’re just existing and running and avoiding 😢

I wonder why you cut your friends off? That's not a judgement btw, but it says that something is very wrong here. You have been really, really hurt. Beyond hurt. I'm sorry ♥️ I hope you find a way to heal and move forward. Maybe your friends will still be there for you?

OP, in an effort to tolerate keeping him, you’ve had to shut down all the parts of yourself that he hurt, that don’t trust him or feel safe. There aren’t many parts left.

Wow…. I think this is a very powerful observation….

…. and the old things like photos of yourself are triggering because they activate those vulnerable, warm, open, vibrant parts that you have shut down, maybe?

Very wise words.

You are getting genuinely good advice on this thread, OP. I hope it resonates with you and may it help you find your vital spark again. I'm sorry for what you've been through 💐🙏

OP , I’m confused, you said your partner had an affair 5 years ago ..
When you discovered it , he went on to betray you several times again after that …
I thought he was really sorry & regretful though ?

I mean this kindly OP, but you have to deal with the hurt and all the other emotions that come with someone betraying you, not just once but several times. Burying your head in the sand, hoping it all will go away or running off, won't change how you feel. No matter how tough it may be, you need to speak to a professional therapist on your own. A good therapist will respect your boundaries, and work with you at your own pace. You can't carry on like this, barely coping, you have to take the bull by the horns and help yourself. Staying with your partner has clearly been a mistake, and it's certainly one of the things holding you back. Seek some professional help.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I agree with previous posters that burying yourself in work is avoiding dealing with the feelings through fear that they will overwhelm you - it does sound like you have symptoms of PTSD from the trauma you experienced. It won't just go away - you need specialist support to address it.

Please don't feel that you are forever damaged & different. All life experiences change us but when you have experienced significant trauma, it can need professional help to work through it. It sounds like you are struggling with disassociation as a direct result of that trauma.

Please do seek some help, speak to your GP as a first step. You are not broken, you are human and you need some help and support. How you're feeling now doesn't have to be forever - it can change and you are deserving of feeling peace and happiness again 💐

I would definitely recommend therapy and on an individual level. You need to process what happened, be able to "own" it and not let it own you.
You can't do that if you bury it and avoid it. It's going to be hard, there's no shying away from that but you can't move past it without facing it.
Once you have processed it yourself then you can decide what comes next. Is that couples therapy, is that separating.... Only you will know.

It took me 7 years to leave after my ex made one single mistake. But I could never move past it and it took therapy for me to realise that I was hoping he'd do it again so I'd have the strength and drive to walk because I secretly wanted to. It was a light bulb moment for me and gave me what I needed to start the next stage.

OP, I feel like I'm in a similar situation to you.
I tried to save my marriage for four years after finding out about my wife's affair. But we split in 2018 and divorced.
I basically just work now. I'll occasionally see immediate family.
But my weekends are basically spent lying in bed with the odd run here and there.
I can't even face booking holidays as I no I won't get out of bed so I've not booked any annual leave since 2018.
I don't have the same respect you have for your partner but I don't hate my ex wife.

Thank you to everyone who replied. I was crying and have some jet lag so I'll respond more tomorrow, but thank you so much for listening and talking to me. It really helped calm me tonight.

How do you atone “tenfold” for killing someone’s dream of security and love? Like what gifts or protestations make up for being so fucking unreliable and apparently unconscious that you slip and fall with your privates wedged in another woman —several times?