5 years on from the affair and not recovered

[Puzzlez]

Hi. I was hoping for some feedback from people on my situation.

My long term partner had an affair 5 years ago. It was all horribly messy. The circumstances were particularly difficult at a time where things in my life were already overwhelming and I sustained considerable trauma.

We weren't married, and we both had grown up children but I think it hit me particularly hard because it was so shocking. So unlike him. And sadly after the discovery he did the worst possible thing which was to persuade me to reconcile only to betray me several times again. Realistically it was probably 18 months of on and off torture from the first day I discovered the affair.

I've survived, but certainly part of me died in a way and I've felt like the essence of me hasn't returned and never will return.

After a full blown breakdown, I got back up. I got back to work. I regained my ability to get on with daily life, but I'm fundamentally changed.

I don't really feel joy, hope, excitement or even peace. Just sort of either mild anxiety or a kind of contentment. I feel very disconnected from myself and quite lost.

I stopped being social, cut off all my friends and more or less just see immediate family. My coping mechanism is work. I work all the time and if I keep my brain busy then I can't think about it or remember it.

I stayed with my partner. Although we split for a while. He did everything he could. He's exceptionally devoted and loving and is completely mortified about the past. He wants to know what he can do to help but I don't know the answer.

I have grown children and I'm 49 and part of me longs to just pack a bag and walk out and spend the rest of my life just wandering. Because I don't feel like the same person anymore and I feel like I don't belong in my life.

I've tried a few times to discuss this with my partner but he becomes really panicked and says I'm everything really so he doesn't know how to think of life without me. He just keeps trying to fix it. Most of the time I just work so I can pretend.

That's not to say I'm crying all day. We just get on with things and most days laugh and cuddle and cook dinner and go on holidays and he's always trying to make me happy for which I feel touched but also sad.

This is rambling.

Can anyone identify at all with this?

Thank you @OchreRaven that's it exactly. I could move past a physical affair but not an emotional one.

I think he knows that, so possibly he's not able to be fully honest with me.

Like with any situation where you've been lied to, words don't mean much so I scrambled around so long trying to put the evidence together to work out what I felt was the truth.

He didn't ever treat her like he treated me. Their relationship wasn't romantic like ours is. But there was a deep emotional attachment of some sort involved that I don't think he knew about until he had to let it go.

You're right, that's what snapped me. These stories of trauma bonds and so on... I dunno... it feels like pyschobabble.

I can't live with it.

Funnily enough it was him with avoidant attachment. I had very secure attachment. But this changed me, so now I think I'm avoidant and he's more anxious.

Thanks for listening and speaking to me

I can relate to your feelings, although my situation is different because he (eventually) left for the OW but did me an unbelievable amount of damage first.

Im 4 years in and im glad he left but get your not feeling joy/cutting people off and feeling completely different.

My honest opinion is that any woman in this situation is better off leaving if they can.

Therapy is helpful. I have good days and bad but believe im forever changed.

What's stopping you from going? You owe your partner nothing after what he has done.

OP I want to give you a big hug, I understand exactly how you feel. I was 55 when I made the same discovery as you. I was traumatised, ashamed and went through absolute hell. My H was someone I knew from infant school. I tried to get over it but kept getting flashbacks and anxiety so in the end, I decided to move out to see if that would help sort my thoughts and cure my total inertia. To make matters worse I was diagnosed with cancer during Covid. After my treatment I was offered Counselling and I can honestly say it has helped me beyond belief. I didn’t look forward to Counselling and felt like it was a waste of time but now I realise how much I benefited from it.
It’s been eight years now since the betrayal and I can honestly say I feel a lot better. I will never be the same again, but maybe that’s a good thing. I’m not as trusting anymore. I’m still very fond of my H but I have forgiven him as I realise everyone can make mistakes. However, I choose to still live on my own and I will never get back with my husband. I have created a different life with different friends and other hobbies which make me happy. I don’t think I would’ve ever recovered if I would’ve stayed with H as it would been tormented me every day.
I hope you find your peace and the right to take

*and the right path for you to take

I'm so sorry @Woollygreymittensthat sounds so unbelievably painful and to be sick whilst dealing with it 😢I am glad you made a new life and have peace.

Not all men have affairs though. This is such a sad read. I think you should end it.

Unfortunately though, they don't tell you in advance if they are going to. Not that it matters though as even if I'd have a 100% guarantee of loyalty in advance, I'd never want another relationship.

I have reached the same conclusion. My exh completely traumatised me and I have no desire to try and trust another man. It has taken some time to get used to the thought but I am actually totally fine with that now and I have a life that is so much lighter and happier than I could have ever imagined. I have the time to completely be there for my adult children when they need me, I have made so many new friends and I have my dog, siblings, parents. I was exhausted like you and wanted to hide away but my life is full now and it's safe and effortless.

That slight sadness that I always walked around with when I was married has gone away, the intrusive thoughts are less and less. I am still in therapy three years on and it has helped with organising my thoughts, and somehow once I got them to a place where they weren't all muddled up they stopped popping up when I wasn't prepared for them. I can now look at photos of my exh without getting heart palpitations and I can speak to my children about him and feel nothing.

I needed a complete break from him to get there though. No speaking, no messaging, no nothing. I feel like you are torturing yourself by living with the person who has hurt you the most. I really think you need to leave him. He's not worthy of you and that's his fault.

@Mauro711 where you are is where I was before I met my current partner. I'd spent 7 years alone (by choice) and had great years with my kids, family, friends, hobbies. I had a lot of therapy during that time too. I was at my best so I completely get it.

When I met current partner I wasn't expecting it to end up being something but it just sort of crept up on me and then all this happened. I really didn't see any of it coming because he was the last sort of person you'd expect it from.

That's life.

It's different now though. I don't feel like rebuilding or being vibrant or sociable at all. I just feel like curling up somewhere very quiet and sleeping through the next however many years.

I disappear into my work.

The thing is when you look at him, you are always reminded of the choice you made and you have no guarantee it was the right one. I think that is a tough gig to be living with daily. Your confidence must be on the floor.

You have completely summed this up .

@Puzzlez I assume you live together now? I know you said you weren't at the time of the affair.

If you do indeed live together now, have you thought about separating your living arrangements.

I feel like from what you have said that he seems to be very much over you all the time, reiterating his feelings, the whys and why nots, making you feel he is there. But too much of him there is not best for you. He sounds suffocating. I go back to your holiday, which he then joined you on. Was this meant to be your holiday away from it all just for YOU?

Perhaps breaking things off is a bit much right now, what about a huge step back. So you can breathe. I feel like you are breathing in his air and not your own.

After I read your update even I felt I couldn't breathe on your behalf.

Something has to change. Yes it's uncomfortable and change isn't easy. But you cannot go on like this.

I don't think YOU need therapy. I suspect you need to be shot of him. It doesn't matter what he wants now. You decide what is right for you, and it sounds like that may be a new life without him

You were betrayed, the whole foundation of your relationship crumbled, you discovered the man you loved, was not who you thought he was. He made you question everything and it was bloody traumatic.
You have coasted since then, put your anger, betrayal and heartbreak inside a box and tried to lock it away. The thought of therapy terrifies you because you know, once you open up, life will change. You’d rather live like a zombie with dreams of running away from yourself, wherever you run though, you won’t outrun the devastation inside.
You are clinging on blindly to this relationship because, it feels safe but deep down you know it’s not. You lost yourself, your spark, everything because of his betrayal and unless you go to therapy, you have no chance of regaining yourself. You may find you can process everything he did and still be with him or you need to be single.

@isthismylifenow I feel like from what you have said that he seems to be very much over you all the time, reiterating his feelings, the whys and why nots, making you feel he is there. But too much of him there is not best for you. He sounds suffocating.

I think this is preciely why OP is feeling the way she is. She isn't given space by him to actually work through it. He is petrified of losing her so he's all over her instead, that way she won't understand why she isn't getting over it and it leaves this very empty feeling. He's so great now, right? And so dedicated. It's basically love bombing and the way OP is feeling is exactly how you feel when you know something is very, very wrong and you are going against your instincts but outwardly it looks like love.

I fully understand being scared to pick at the plaster you've stuck on this because you're scared you'll bleed out if you do.

But that's not what people are advocating here. What you're doing is burning yourself out and operating on a nervous system that's completely fried. That's a time limited deal. So what you do need to do is find ways to very gently create safe space in your week consistently where you can feel a little and then close it back over again. I'm still in therapy a year later and it's got significantly easier. I was terrified at the start if I came out of auto pilot I'd crash and I had a small baby at the time so that wasn't an option for me. But things like going for walks, meditating, counselling every fortnight for an hour plus a treat for myself after gradually broke that down and now those are things I feel sustain me, rather than threaten me.

You said about what good would telling a stranger do. The best thing about it for me is that they don't have opinions. When I told my friends/family about what my ex had done I couldn't just talk about how I felt without them offering advice based on what THEY would do. And that quickly became isolating and overwhelming. Counselling felt like somewhere I had breathing space to allow myself to figure out what I thought. And the complete non judgement I received was the thing that took away the complete shame I felt firstly for being cheated on, and secondly for deciding to stay and work through it initially.

I think you need to remember that when he's your sole source of support, he can't be honest with you. He's hurt you and actually I'd say that no wonder you've no closure because his words don't line up. He's blaming his AP for his affair. That's nonsense- she should have been able to throw herself naked at him and he should have said no ta. Until he accepts that there quite simply is no good enough reason for what he did and how he treated you, he's only ever going to give you platitudes that he thinks is kinder than the truth. And that's actually unfair because you need the full ugly truth in order to close that chapter and move on either with him or separately. I'm sorry op but by doing that he's still lying to you. We can justify anything to ourselves if we try hard enough but actually he just did this because he was selfish and he wanted to put his needs above yours. It's deeply hurtful to hear it, but it's actually really necessary. I'd say by still excusing his behaviour (it was her fault, she love bombed me, she threatened me, it was a trauma bond etc etc) he's still shifting blame away from himself which is why you can't close this off and trust him. He's not completed his own learning from this yet. And that's why you're still in this horrible, destructive limbo.

I'm also questioning, if you were in a great place when this happened and it was at the very start of your relationship, why did you not call it quits then? Tbh I'm wondering if he's actually the one doing the love bombing and gaslighting because none of this sounds remotely healthy and its seriously compromising your mental health.

I understand not wanting another relationship after this, I'm very much single and intend to be for quite some time and I'm younger than you so honestly that's quite daunting but you clearly did really well when you were single before, but now in a relationship you say you're just about existing. Why would being single and letting yourself heal be such a bad thing? You've already been through the worst, you've survived and overcame 100% of the shit that's come your way this far. You are clearly made of tough stuff op. And you're acutely aware of not wanting to break down again, which means you're probably more likely than most to be careful with yourself. But the irony is that what you're doing right now, declining support, working yourself into the ground, centering your world around the person who's traumatised you is a very direct path into break down. Tbh I think it's no coincidence that he's blaming a trauma bond when you seem to have a trauma bond to him right now. I feel like there's possibility a manipulation there that you should maybe take some time and just reflect on and tease out. Obviously none of us know the details of your relationship the way you do - but it does make me wonder.

Well you either leave him or you go to therapy together. Pick one but either way you can’t ignore the issue because clearly it isn’t working the way you’re going right now.

There are wiser folk than me on this thread.
I honestly think it’s deeply unfair of him to not give you the space to make your own choices though. HIM not being able to live without you. Becoming an emotional wreck when you did leave. Joining you on your break. When you love someone as deeply as he believes he loves you, you give them space, you ‘let them go’ to use a cliche, because they are more important to you than they are to themselves. He sounds quite emotionally manipulative. And I bet he believes his own narrative re the affair.

I sincerely hope you find the peace you so very much deserve.

@isthismylifenow We do live together, but after I left (I mentioned I left a couple of years ago for a while) I got my own place in the middle of nowhere, and I still have it. I keep it because I always want to know I have somewhere to go if anyone ever pulls the rug from under me, but we live together day to day.

In terms of getting away, I feel better when I am away from this country, around strange places and strange people for some reason, and get some sort of sense of soothing from travelling and travelling. Almost like Forrest Gump when he went for a run and didn't stop for three years. On this trip one of my kids joined me for a while and so did DP and I loved having them there.

I have tried going to stay at my separate house a few times, but what tends to happen is that once I am away from him and have the space and peace I feel I want, I am fine for a week and then seem to slide into a very bad state.

He isn't at all suffocating. If I want space he gives it. If I need time alone he is fine with that. He just doesn't want me to be not okay in a normal way a partner would. Yes, he is terrified I will leave, but I think what he's most terrified about is that I will hurt myself. He worries a lot about that, as things have gotten very black for me before.

He has said if I need to go he will always love me and always be there. He has said if I need to go he will wait however long. He has also said if I need to go, and if I wanted him to come too that he would give up his job and go with me. I think he really just wants it to be better.

He did really shit things, I don't think he properly understands why or even how he did them. I think he is just very remorseful and would do anything he could if it took my pain away.

His presence when I feel bad is soothing, because he reminds me that I am here today, now, and those things are not happening anymore. He doesn't smother me. He will just sit there however long it takes and just repeat that he loves me and I am safe and nothing bad is going to happen. Without that for too long, I get into a very, very black place that is quite scary to be honest.

As I am writing this, I realise I feel a lot of anger at my friends and family. Unfair? Probably! But when this was all happening not one single person really came and sat with me through it. They did long calls, yes, but I don't think any of them understood what a bad state I was in or how much I needed support and they just sort of left me to it.

I had always been the strong, tough one who was there for everyone else, and when the time came that my world was completely collapsing around me (and as I mentioned in OP it wasn't just the A, I was also dealing with some other massive life issues at the time), they honestly just didn't care that much. So I don't feel much like being close to people.

Funnily enough one friend who was not even that close to me, just someone I went for drinks with, was the only person who seemed to grasp what I was going through and she checked on me all the time and even sent me some money when I wasn't well. I never forgot that kindness and she's pretty much the only person I speak to anymore.

And before I get jumped on for being angry at them, I want to be clear I was about a billion times more angry with him but I have been given opportunity to rage at him for months on end and express that and hear a sorry and when push came to shove and I was at rock bottom, it was actually him who looked after me at my lowest (even though he helped put me there).

I realise some things here contradicts my desire to be alone, but I was just wondering if maybe I was alone somewhere else that maybe those thoughts would stop and go away and I could just focus on other things because the previous life could just be vanished or something. A bit like erasing everything and starting again.

As I am writing it, I realise that probably won't work and I need to bite the bullet and go and get some help with all this, but it just feels like the complete opposite of relief from how I am feeling. I talked to him today about this and he said all the same things you are saying about counselling and EDMR and I know it's up to me to grow up a bit.

I am just finding it all so hard. Sorry.

He sounds incredibly emotionally immature. Blaming the AP as though he's in Fatal Attraction. He had an affair because he desired the AP. He wanted her. And now can't do enough for you - needy and suffocating. Does he also say you're "the one"? Honestly, there's no such thing.

What was his relationship background before he met you?

Your posts sound intelligent and thoughtful but really sad. I hope you can get free of his hold on you.

This is sad reading, you sound deeply depressed. Please go to your GP and be honest with how you're feeling.
Don't put your head in the sand, it'll only get worse.
I hope you see the light soon x

He sounds really weak actually.

But what on earth are you doing with your one and precious life? How much more time are you going to hand over to this disaster.

There is the old chestnut of “Accept it, Change it, or Leave “.
Reading your posts, you want to accept it- but you can’t so you have to leave.

Is it possible the other traumas that you have experienced are manifesting themselves in the inability to move on from the affair, not that I’m saying you should.

I have experienced a lot of deep trauma in the last 3 years, and a situation recently at work resulted in a complete overreaction from me. It wasn’t the work stress per se, more that my cup was too full anyway.

I've only read the OP @Puzzlez but will read all soon.

My h had an affair. Biggest shock of my life. Didn't have a clue. Stayed for five years in shock, another two went by and I thought we'd be okay. Two years on from that I've divorced him over something else and glad about it. It sounds like this is not going to be forever. I wished mine had had another affair so I could leave and tbh it would have been better than the reason why I had to divorce him. Take care of yourself.

Umm, @needastrongoneagain I don't know to be honest. Maybe. I think that certainly I experienced some massive traumas at the same time, but I was always resilient prior to this so it's unusual for me not to be able to reason my way through things.

Someone asked me earlier why I didn't leave right away if it was early in the relationship. This is a good question and the answer is probably relevant to the story.

Prior to the affair, we had been a bit on and off. We were committed in the sense there was an agreement of fidelity, and we had discussed a future, but we hadn't exchanged "I love you's" yet, we hadn't spent time with each other's family yet, we hadn't moved in together and I felt he was holding back which made me also hold back.

I wasn't desperate or anything about it because I was pretty happy in my own life but I was aware it wasn't a full, loving relationship yet and I spent a lot of time considering leaving it. I felt like there was so much potential but for whatever reason I couldn't get him to give me everything.

The reason I was so shocked by all this wasn't because I thought he was madly in love with me, but more that he was the complete opposite person you'd expect to get involved with any drama of any sort. It is so out of character, I still can't believe it. He hates drama, he absolutely hates it, so getting involved in this tangled mess is so unlike him.

After the discovery of the affair, he came to me and he said that he was a screwed up person who hadn't felt able to give me everything because he was scared but that I was the most beautiful, kind, loving, amazing person he'd ever known and that he was a complete dick for not grabbing it with both hands when he had the chance.

So the first time he told me he loved me was actually that day. He said he knew he did for a long time, but just felt if he said it that it would come with demands. Maybe with her, there were no demands (at least at first).

I think he was caught up in some historic trauma of his own, definitely weakness of character as someone else mentioned, and he didn't think about what he was doing. When it hit him that I was gone, probably forever, everything changed.

It was over those weeks I realised how much I loved him too, which I know sounds completely mental because I am not in any way attracted to drama or to infidelity or pain, but it was just clear to me that I wanted to give us a second chance, with him all in.

But it took him several months to really deliver on that, and make the changes he needed to. But he did. He is now completely all in, and loves with all he has to give, and gives more than I ever thought I'd ever get from anybody, but he did it a bit too late after making a very big mess.

I think that is more or less what happened. So I feel sad for us both really because these choices hurt us both a lot, even if he was the one who made them he has paid a lot for them and i know if he could wish for anything it would be to undo it.

He wasn't very good at being a partner. He learned how to be, painstakingly, but he didn't start off being. If he had been, this wouldn't have happened the way it did. He handles everything very differently now.