5 years on from the affair and not recovered

[Puzzlez]

Hi. I was hoping for some feedback from people on my situation.

My long term partner had an affair 5 years ago. It was all horribly messy. The circumstances were particularly difficult at a time where things in my life were already overwhelming and I sustained considerable trauma.

We weren't married, and we both had grown up children but I think it hit me particularly hard because it was so shocking. So unlike him. And sadly after the discovery he did the worst possible thing which was to persuade me to reconcile only to betray me several times again. Realistically it was probably 18 months of on and off torture from the first day I discovered the affair.

I've survived, but certainly part of me died in a way and I've felt like the essence of me hasn't returned and never will return.

After a full blown breakdown, I got back up. I got back to work. I regained my ability to get on with daily life, but I'm fundamentally changed.

I don't really feel joy, hope, excitement or even peace. Just sort of either mild anxiety or a kind of contentment. I feel very disconnected from myself and quite lost.

I stopped being social, cut off all my friends and more or less just see immediate family. My coping mechanism is work. I work all the time and if I keep my brain busy then I can't think about it or remember it.

I stayed with my partner. Although we split for a while. He did everything he could. He's exceptionally devoted and loving and is completely mortified about the past. He wants to know what he can do to help but I don't know the answer.

I have grown children and I'm 49 and part of me longs to just pack a bag and walk out and spend the rest of my life just wandering. Because I don't feel like the same person anymore and I feel like I don't belong in my life.

I've tried a few times to discuss this with my partner but he becomes really panicked and says I'm everything really so he doesn't know how to think of life without me. He just keeps trying to fix it. Most of the time I just work so I can pretend.

That's not to say I'm crying all day. We just get on with things and most days laugh and cuddle and cook dinner and go on holidays and he's always trying to make me happy for which I feel touched but also sad.

This is rambling.

Can anyone identify at all with this?

As pp have advised, this is ptsd. You were abused, betrayed, and emotionally tortured for 18 months by a man who claims to love you. Of course you feel completely broken. You are still with him, which means you have to shut down your higher self and continue in this self harm. No wonder you feel numb and joyless and like running away.

You need safety. You need comfort. Your partner can't provide those things because he is the one you need protecting from.

I think individual therapy is a very good idea. Reaching out to old friends may also be a positive step for you, when you're ready. And leaving your abuser would be a very good step forward.

This is exactly correct. I, too, recommend taking the PTSD diagnosis seriously and literally. Look for a therapist who works with trauma in the relationship/attachment.

The way we manage trauma in life is that we turn to our nearest and dearest for help and holding. Because your nearest and dearest is also your betrayer and becomes “frantic” and needy when you ask for distance/or empathy, he cant serve as an anchor or a guide. He centers himself (selfish) which is exactly the problem in the relationship.

I have been in a similar situation, OH had an affair, so out of character and shocking.
I had therapy for trauma and put a lot of work into settling myself. Esther Perel books really helped me - The State of Affairs is excellent. Survivinginfidelity.com is an excellent resource.
My husband could reassure me a million times a day, but then I'd see a photo or something small and it would trigger the horrible shock feeling.

We dont have the same marriage we did have, in some ways we're much stronger and dont take each other for granted. We put effort into spending time together.

Of course I wish it hadnt happened, but I dont regret staying, we're very happy but it takes work and time.

@Puzzlez the only reason you need therapy is because of him! It’s unforgivable he did not end the affair and went back and forth for 18 months. I do agree with opening poster that he’s like a poison. You will feel lighter - he is a daily trigger for your trauma. Get solo therapy x

You feel that way because you stayed with him. I am so sorry OP, I do not want to sound insensitive, but this is simply my opinion. I know that a lot of people chose to stay after a betrayal like this, but staying with someone who had hurt you in such a way must be incredibly conflicting. Every day you wake up in that same bed/ house with him, he reminds you of what happened and basically hurts you again.

Well said.❤️

You don't need a man.

You don't need sex.

You are absolutely fine on your own.

You will then attain peace of mind.

Only then will you begin to re build your sense of self.

Have therapy, just you. Then you’ll know whether you want to go on with the marriage or not. If you do, get couples therapy.

The problem with running away is you’ll take the unhealed you with you.

I think op there's a bit of discrepancy in what you wrote and it does read like you've never really properly dealt with or processed what's happened.

"he's always trying to make me happy for which I feel touched" this really jumped out at me, the fact you feel touched that he's trying to make you feel happy - that's the absolute bare minimum you should be expecting from your relationship. It sounds like your self esteem is in your boots (no wonder thanks to him) and you've a misplaced sense of gratitude to him for firstly, doing what he should have done all along and secondly, fixing HIS fuck up.

I think it would be very important for you to do counselling individually- I understand the trepidation (I've done it myself after my stbxh affair) but talking to someone makes it real, it also helps lift the feeling of shame you talk about because that shame isn't yours to carry - it's his. You need to relook at what is your stuff to be responsible for in your marriage and what's his.

I also think it's really important you start to realise that this cheating isn't something that happened to him. This is part of him, the selfishness, the lying, the willingness to harm you to get his own needs met - that's all parts of your husbands personality and him doing nice things and behaving himself doesn't change that. The marriage you had is gone and you've learnt more about who he is. He saw your hurt and he continued to do it anyway. That's choice. When you talk about not understanding why he did it, the why didn't really matter - he did it because he felt entitled to and because he wanted to. I found coming to terms with that extremely hard because in my mind my stbxhs behaviour was also so out of character, but I had to accept it was actually his character in order to move on. But it really hurts. Counselling was an important part of that process for me and you sound like you're depressed or possibly have ptsd so it's vital you get proper support for this and op - the person who hurt you cannot be the safe space you need to heal. You have got to find that outside of him. And I think you need to think really carefully about why you're resigning yourself to "not ever healing" the way you talk about in your posts just in order to be with him. You're still young and have a whole lot of life to enjoy ahead of you. You say you don't need him but honestly op it sounds like you're actually quite co dependent on him and its not surprising given that you've centered your recovery from this on him.

I'm sorry you've been put through this op. I'm sorry you're left dealing with the fallout and that all these suggestions are probably really overwhelming and intimidating, but my counsellor has honestly been fab and I'm so much happier since I left. Things just feel lighter and my self esteem is better for it. It's a shit process to go through but honestly, I'm now so glad I did.

But OP remember wherever you run to, there you are.

Agree that therapy might be your best option! Hang on in there 💐

I'm sorry. It happened to me 10 years ago and I've never been the same since. We did split - he left me, but that hasn't helped really.

Sorry you went through that

You need to channel Samantha Jones: “I love you. But I love me more.”

You've deadened yourself to keep this relationship. It’s making you ill.

You just need to leave him.

It's really important you start to realise that this cheating isn't something that happened to him. This is part of him, the selfishness, the lying, the willingness to harm you to get his own needs met - that's all parts of your husbands personality and him doing nice things and behaving himself doesn't change that

Very important point. He'd like to think, and he'd LOVE you to think, it was "out of character". Bu 18 months?? Come on...

Op you’re getting lots of advice here to LTB. I’m not so sure; his actions were 18 months ago and he’s trying to make you happy.

Is it worth trying to rebuild yourself; make yourself strong through sources of joy away from him; friends, hobbies? But be prepared mentally to leave him at the whiff of more inappropriate behaviour?

it looks to me like you feel trapped because you still have deep feelings for him. You can rebuild trust if he shows genuine remorse.

I’ve been there and I stayed. It wasn’t a good decision, but for complicated reasons it’s how it is for now and I’m ok. I have longer term plans. I’m saying this first so you know I know how your life has imploded.

in reading your posts I’m really aware that you seem desperate to displace all negative feeling off your husband. The things you can’t tolerate (photos, socialising, your environment) are all triggering because they are reminding you of a feeling you are desperately avoiding feeling, maybe just denying totally? Why aren’t you angry? Where’s the fury? Where’s the rage and the hurt? At him? He did this to you. He did this.

having been there, I know the headfuck of the person you are closest to doing this. I understand why you need to protect ‘the good husband’ I understand you will avoid therapy or anything else that tells you he did this to you. That it was him. That it is him. That he hurt you this badly.
until you recognise that and can look at it properly and clearly you will be constantly re traumatised by all the little things that are reminding you. It’s too much for you to consciously think of him as ‘the good husband’ and unconsciously know him as ‘the cheating husband who hurt me so much’. And it will continue to rip you apart.
please please get some help. Where you are right now is no way to live.

So sorry OP, no real advice as you've had plenty of wonderful advice on here and others have said it better than l could. But if you think you have have PTSD then you really do need to address your trauma so that you can start to heal and feel properly alive again. Nothing will change otherwise. Thinking of you and wishing you well.

I did post upthread OP, but I am now out the other side of something not too dissimilar.

One of most unfair things about being on the other end of the betrayal, is that YOU are the one that has to make the decision on how to carry on. That is a massive thing, do I stay and keep the family together and everything normal? Do I put myself first and leave and start afresh with everything which is exceptionally daunting.
A lot of us go for the first, as it impacts everyone else the least. As mothers we are so used to putting everyone else first, that this is the option that so many take.

As did I.

Many people do not understand just how massive this pressure is.

As a result I ended up in hospital after having a complete breakdown. I was so side swiped by what had happened, that I tried to sweep it under the rug and act and happy faced and that everything was all okay. It was not all okay. It was a big act. For 6 years I lived like this. The timing for you is similar to how it was with me. I think perhaps this possibly the maximum amount of time it is possible to live a lie? To pretend?

Your body and your mind are trying to tell you something. Please listen. I bet you that things are not really quite as rosy as you are letting yourself believe. And if he was really 'the one' why did he do this to you in the first place?

Writing things out is very therapeutic. I hope it has been for you, but also I hope that sharing and getting other peoples viewpoints is helping you a little. Remember we are on the outside, not in your bubble, so we are going on facts that you have given us, with no emotion involved. Sometimes you need to try step out of that bubble to see clearly.

I think this can happen whether or not you stay with the person. Personally the father of my child cheated on me and left me for the OW while I was pregnant. They quicklu got married, but recently (2 years later) he started hitting on me (unreciprocated) and his wife saw the messages and contacted me. We ended up discussing everything that happened and we discovered he lied to both of us extensively during the original affair which was so traumatising for both of us since it was so much more than we originally thought (he was telling her he wasn't sleeping with me anymore and claimed he didn't know I was pregnant and denying things to me while telling her he loved her - you name it). I found it very traumatising going over everything but reassured myself that at least I'm not the one married to him and it's behind me. I definitely have PTSD from being abandoned while pregnant by someone who claimed they loved me and feel very differently about men now and feel generally more angry, but I feel I can move on. I can't imagine being stuck with the person who did that to me still.

Are you sure deep down you actually want to be with him and are not staying with him for his sake?

This happened to me too @Puzzlez. It’s about 6 years now and we are still together but it took a lot of time and healing and like with grief there are still days when I struggle but they are fewer now.

Some things jump out from your post at me - that he won’t discuss it and is mortified. That’s tough on him. If you need to discuss it, he needs to get over himself because he caused this and if what it takes for the relationship to survive is for him to talk about it, then that’s what it takes. There is a really good book by Shirley Glass called More than Friends which is about how couples recover from infidelity and I would really recommend you read this together.

The not wanting to talk about it yourself in therapy I do get but the way it was explained to me is that the way in which the mind heals is by telling the story multiple times in different ways so that it can create some distance from the feelings. If you can explore this in therapy with a very trusted therapist, eventually it will mostly become like a film you’ve watched or a book you’ve read in day to day life rather than that hot sharp pain of personally experienced grief.

The other thing which really helped me was EMDR. It sounds mad and I can’t explain how it works but it does (and doesn’t involve talking about the trauma in any detail with anyone).

the thing to hold onto is 5 years ago you made a choice. You made it for the right reasons and it could still be the right choice. You need to do whatever it takes to live happily for the rest of your life however. So if this relationship no longer makes you happy, you can make a new choice to leave or reaffirm your choice to stay. But your partner needs to own his part and if you need him to discuss things with you or come to therapy with you, then he needs to be prepared to do that even if it is now 5 years after he was found out. He owes you this!

It seems like this happened just as you hit perimenopause and potentially what you are feeling is related to that in some part. Anhedonia is a common symptom. I’d maybe look into HRT.

@pikkumyy77 i don’t know what you think you were contributing by your post at 22.38 last night. The OP is hurt and traumatised and knows exactly what her partner did. You restating what he did in coarse, insulting and aggressive language just traumatises her more. She doesn’t need a wake up call - so what you posted is not supportive of her it’s just kicking someone when they are low.

Your husband had the affair yet you feel there is something wrong with you?

For the avoidance of doubt, there isn't.

Also, all that stuff about 'The One' is over-romanticised sentimentalism. It simply isn't true; in fact, I'd go so far as to say that the romantic dream so often sold to women is a subtle method of control. You only have to look at the 'traditions' surrounding weddings to see as much.

Time to unpick this with therapy, I think, OP. Not couples' - individual.

5 years on if you still feel this way it's time to cut him loose.

In my opinion - you are exhibiting signs of fight or flight ptsd. You’re stuck in flight mode hiding from the memories both real and imagined. As others have said consider therapy and EMDR which is massively helpful in reducing the memories to a stored safe place in the brain rather than where they are now stuck in your frontal lobe ready to ambush you the minute you let your guard down.

I speak from experience although a completely different scenario. Much love to you.