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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner wants to go to stag do whilst child is really unwell

126 replies

StripeyCatLady · 25/06/2025 17:25

I'm (30 F) currently 5 months pregnant, my partner (35 M) has already been on a stag a few months ago at the height of my morning sickness leaving me to look after our daughter (5) by myself which I was not happy about.

He has another stag to go to in a few days. Our daughter has been in hospital since last week because of a serious throat infection and a high temperature of over 40.5. she was sent home yesterday because her temperature has stabilised but she still has very high infection markers in her blood and we are having to go back to hospital every day for her antibiotic through a cannula in her hand.

I am unable to drive, I failed my test recently so I cannot take her to hospital by myself and the hospital is a 20 minute drive away which will be expensive. I also have PGP which makes moving quickly really difficult and I'm not supposed to do any heavy lifting which I would have to do if my myself.

He has not even considered not going to the stag, I heard him speaking to someone on the phone arranging a lift. I don't want to tell him not to go because I want to see what he would do. Am I being out of order for being so angry about this? I actually feel like if he goes I will change the locks so he will have to move back in with his parents.

Some background - he has not worked for 8 months since he was fired. I have been paying all rent and bills by myself leaving me with no money to do anything. His parents pay for everything such as his phone and car and his petrol and food (he has his dad's credit card). His parents have also funded him going away for stag do's and holidays. Whilst I am too broke to buy myself a sandwich from the shop. He has not applied for any jobs which resulted in me kicking him out for a week and made him live with his mum. He started booking tests for his course and applying for jobs so I let him come back. That was a month ago and still no job.

OP posts:
CountryQueen · 26/06/2025 13:03

He’s not a good Dad, nor is he “hands on”. He’s literally fucking off with his mates while his daughter is very ill. What a loser.

Original poster
StripeyCatLady · 27/06/2025 22:07

Just thought I'd update. My daughter is much better and was discharged today and had her cannula taken out. We had a big argument yesterday where he agreed to not go to look after her and take her to hospital but he did not come to that decision himself if I had not said anything he would have gone this morning.

My daughter had another dose of antibiotics and a blood test before she was discharged we had to wait for results. She was screaming in pain from it all and he was willing to let me do all that by himself knowing how she would be. I'm really glad she is better finally.

When we got home, without discussing with me he immediately packed and left, he gave a half arsed 'love you' before he left but no other communication otherwise. He was confused why I didn't want to say it back but I did because my daughter was there and I didn't want to be mean Infront of her. You'd expect some kind of 'will you be ok without me', 'is there anything you need or anything I can do before I go', or even a 'I know it's not ideal and I'm sorry I'm going'. Nothing.

During the argument yesterday I was absolutely fuming and I mentioned about him being a freeloader and his enabling parents. We started arguing because very last minute he wanted my mum to give her a lift to hospital while he was on the piss. I told her she couldn't because she had plans and it was last minute and he called her selfish. So he knows it's selfish to not cancel plans but could not see that it was him being selfish. I pointed out he was the dad and it shouldn't fall on everyone else to drop everything for him last minute.

I have a few days now to decide how I'm going to play the break up before he comes back because he really just makes me feel sick. He is not on the tenancy so I won't have any legal issue kicking him out. My mum is going to be spending time with us this weekend so I'll have support and company. His mum messaged me to say she's glad my daughter's feeling better and gave me his brother's number if I needed anything. I so wanted to say 'what I need is for your son to grow up and get a job and stop being so selfish' but it would be wasted breath because she thinks the sun shines out of his arse.

I want to wait until his back to tell him he has to leave otherwise it becomes all stressful and dramatic because last time he was trying to come back into the house constantly. If he refuses to leave my step dad is going to support me with it.

OP posts:
Original poster
StripeyCatLady · 27/06/2025 22:11

Thank you everyone for your advice and spurring me onto leave. I knew that was the answer and I knew he was a freeloader but it helps to have more than 100 people agree with me. Very interesting points about his parenting, my daughter has become very clingy with him lately and I didn't think it could be because he isn't consistent with her.

OP posts:
Original poster
StripeyCatLady · 28/06/2025 07:16

Our landlord temporarily reduced the rent for a few months because we could not afford it and it's going back up to £1,500 which he knew about in August which makes it even more pressing he gets a job. If we are unable to meet that amount then they will be selling. I can't afford to pay that myself on top of bills. I'm going to have to either move back with my mum or get myself onto the list to find affordable housing. If anyone has any tips on getting onto the council housing list please let me know.

It's not ideal but then at least I have a secure place for my children. I have tried to rent privately but the rent is my area is very high and I'd have to be earning at least £30k to afford just a 1 bed flat which I do not. And estate agents in my area do not take UC as part of my income. I do work but I have UC top ups because I earn under 20k a year. I tried to rent with a guarantor but they want my guarantor to be on £50k at least which I don't have anyone on that money. So I have been pretty stuck and help with housing is my only option. I'm assuming I would be better off at finding help single because they'd just be confused why he wasn't working.

OP posts:
Tcateh · 28/06/2025 07:26

Firstly the pgp, it's agonising and debilitating so my sympathy to you coping with all of this.

Secondly my god woman you sound switched on and strong enough to just use this time to end this.

It will work out, I'm pleased you have a great mum and support.

Good luck xx

Bikergran · 28/06/2025 07:39

Let him go but change the locks while he's away. Kick him out.

Wellbeing24 · 28/06/2025 07:56

Hi OP, I'm so sorry you are going through such a tough time, but so pleased to hear your daughter is feeling better.

Give Shelter a call for some advice about your housing situation.
https://england.shelter.org.uk/get_help/helpline

Also contact your local council ASAP about making a claim for discretionary housing payment as an interim help towards your rent shortfall? If you can speak with their Household Support Fund team or welfare team they can help advise you about other support and help that is available locally to you.

Wishing you all the best for the future, you sound like an amazing mum xx

A member of Shelter staff takes down notes while she speaks to someone on the phone or helpline in the office

Our free helpline - Shelter England

Our advisers can help if you're homeless, have nowhere to stay tonight, are at risk in your home or worried about losing your home in the next 2 months.

https://england.shelter.org.uk/get_help/helpline

Original poster
StripeyCatLady · 28/06/2025 08:06

Wellbeing24 · 28/06/2025 07:56

Hi OP, I'm so sorry you are going through such a tough time, but so pleased to hear your daughter is feeling better.

Give Shelter a call for some advice about your housing situation.
https://england.shelter.org.uk/get_help/helpline

Also contact your local council ASAP about making a claim for discretionary housing payment as an interim help towards your rent shortfall? If you can speak with their Household Support Fund team or welfare team they can help advise you about other support and help that is available locally to you.

Wishing you all the best for the future, you sound like an amazing mum xx

Thank you for this I'm going to put in my housing application with the council Monday and I'll give shelter a call. My landlord is going to write me a letter to say they will be selling in August. I've heard a few people in my area have been put into housing relatively quickly so I'm really hopeful this is the answer

OP posts:
Supasarn · 07/07/2025 13:26

Firstly, the poor guy hasn’t had a chance to put his side of the story across. I can’t believe he is as totally awful as you make him out to be when your daughter obviously adores him and the fact that he is such a “good hands on dad” says a lot about him. No one is perfect and there must have been a strong attraction for you both when you met or you wouldn’t have had 2 children together. Communication is important, talk to him when you are not happy. Think about the future of being a single mum with 2 very young children.

Codlingmoths · 07/07/2025 15:22

Supasarn · 07/07/2025 13:26

Firstly, the poor guy hasn’t had a chance to put his side of the story across. I can’t believe he is as totally awful as you make him out to be when your daughter obviously adores him and the fact that he is such a “good hands on dad” says a lot about him. No one is perfect and there must have been a strong attraction for you both when you met or you wouldn’t have had 2 children together. Communication is important, talk to him when you are not happy. Think about the future of being a single mum with 2 very young children.

Children adore their parents, including their shitty parents. Children actively adore their more absent parents often as they know they have to beg and perform for their love. We’ve heard quite enough of his story already really. What do you think he will say? The only possible thing that would change whether he deserves a second chance is that the post is completely made up. In which case he doesn’t exist so you don’t have to worry about him.

MischkasMum · 05/04/2026 01:27

Jesus Wept! What a complete and utter arsehole this pathetic excuse is for a man. Sounds like his parents have made him into the twonk he is. Change the locks and DON'T let him back again. This eejit isn't going to change. He's living with you rent and everything else free whilst his DOTED parents are paying all his other expenses. He's living the bloody dream. Nah, you - and your babies - will get on better without this w⚓ hanging around just taking from you all the time.

Original poster
StripeyCatLady · 05/04/2026 06:46

Karma has it he got ill on his stag do and had a terrible time 😂 when he got back I told him he needs to stay away from our daughter because she had just recovered from being in hospital but he ignored me and went to go upstairs to bed so I screamed at him to get out. We've not been together since and I'm so much happier.

OP posts:
Duvetdayneeded · 05/04/2026 06:56

What? Why would he go to bed at yours if you’re not together? Or was that from 6 months ago and you’re not with him now? Hope it’s the latter.

LoudSnoringDog · 05/04/2026 06:59

He’s a selfish twat. Why on earth did you get pregnant with him again? He had already lost his job at that point?

LoudSnoringDog · 05/04/2026 07:00

Ignore my post. Can see this is an old thread 🙄

Lennonjingles · 05/04/2026 07:04

OP thanks for the update, did he finally get a job and is financially supporting you and DC.

Empress13 · 05/04/2026 07:05

Why are you with this poor excuse of a man? Please use contraception next time if you stay with him . Unbelievable your poor child hope she is better soon. As for his entitling parents they need a bloody word with too

Empress13 · 05/04/2026 07:31

Sorry OP I can see you’ve done an update

Riapia · 05/04/2026 07:37

What is it about this man that makes him so attractive to you that you can’t bear to think of life without him.

ClaredeBear · 05/04/2026 07:56

You’ve got two children so the this guy, which means you’re likely to carry on with this nonsense for much longer than you should. Let him go to the stag, change the locks and be prepared to fight any feelings you have to ever let him back in. Do you have good family support?

ClaredeBear · 05/04/2026 07:57

StripeyCatLady · 05/04/2026 06:46

Karma has it he got ill on his stag do and had a terrible time 😂 when he got back I told him he needs to stay away from our daughter because she had just recovered from being in hospital but he ignored me and went to go upstairs to bed so I screamed at him to get out. We've not been together since and I'm so much happier.

Excellent news.

Nearly50omg · 05/04/2026 12:54

Ask your LL to send you a section 21 to say they will be selling your house and not renewing your lease. THAT is what you need from them so the council will get you on their list and also all the housing associations! Then when you’re 56 days away from end of lease they will let you get the homeless team involved at the council
And then they ramp up finding somewhere for you and the children

TeflonBoot · 05/04/2026 13:06

Another depressing thread about a useless cocklodging manchild. Use the stag weekend as an opportunity to pack his stuff, leave it as his parents and crack on with your life.

ForTipsyFinch · 05/04/2026 14:04

He sounds awful. Why are you making his life easier by paying for everything?

Blondeshavemorefun · 05/04/2026 15:52

StripeyCatLady · 05/04/2026 06:46

Karma has it he got ill on his stag do and had a terrible time 😂 when he got back I told him he needs to stay away from our daughter because she had just recovered from being in hospital but he ignored me and went to go upstairs to bed so I screamed at him to get out. We've not been together since and I'm so much happier.

This is 9mths later or so so guessing you have had baby

has he found a job

if kicked out , I assume you have split up for good this time