Partner wants to go to stag do whilst child is really unwell

[StripeyCatLady]

I'm (30 F) currently 5 months pregnant, my partner (35 M) has already been on a stag a few months ago at the height of my morning sickness leaving me to look after our daughter (5) by myself which I was not happy about.

He has another stag to go to in a few days. Our daughter has been in hospital since last week because of a serious throat infection and a high temperature of over 40.5. she was sent home yesterday because her temperature has stabilised but she still has very high infection markers in her blood and we are having to go back to hospital every day for her antibiotic through a cannula in her hand.

I am unable to drive, I failed my test recently so I cannot take her to hospital by myself and the hospital is a 20 minute drive away which will be expensive. I also have PGP which makes moving quickly really difficult and I'm not supposed to do any heavy lifting which I would have to do if my myself.

He has not even considered not going to the stag, I heard him speaking to someone on the phone arranging a lift. I don't want to tell him not to go because I want to see what he would do. Am I being out of order for being so angry about this? I actually feel like if he goes I will change the locks so he will have to move back in with his parents.

Some background - he has not worked for 8 months since he was fired. I have been paying all rent and bills by myself leaving me with no money to do anything. His parents pay for everything such as his phone and car and his petrol and food (he has his dad's credit card). His parents have also funded him going away for stag do's and holidays. Whilst I am too broke to buy myself a sandwich from the shop. He has not applied for any jobs which resulted in me kicking him out for a week and made him live with his mum. He started booking tests for his course and applying for jobs so I let him come back. That was a month ago and still no job.

If it were a wedding and your daughter had been discharged and just needed recovery time then I could see his point. HOWEVER that’s not the situation here. A stag is about having fun-not witnessing a very special moment in a couple’s life.
2) you cannot drive your child to get the medical attention she needs
3) you are pregnant

This guy is an absolute waster. I really think couples should fight for their relationship when there are children involved but when you have one half who is abusive, disinterested, lazy and willing to put zero effort in you really do need to walk away.

Different story if he had been a constant source of affection and love and been diligently applying for jobs and picking up short term work wherever possible but he hasn’t.

He is failing you. Please please don’t let him be the standard of man you show your children is ok to settle for.

Out. Now.

Why are you paying all rent and bills by yourself, when he has access to an income stream (his parents)?

How can you say he's a good father when he is going on a stag do when his daughter is so ill? That is the sign of a really really awful father. Definitely take the opportunity to get his stuff out of your house that weekend. I'm so sorry about your daughter and hope she makes a really quick recovery.

Ask for help with your child from his parents on the stag weekend.
Let them see the care that your child requires and also explain to them that financially you need partner to find a job.
Explain to them so they will know exactly why you will kick him out again as soon as he returns. (Prewarn them on this.)

Do not let him back until he is educated, employed and committed, but do require him to care for his daughter for some hours that suit you every week.

I don’t know what you are expecting to hear other than any rational person in this ‘relationship’ would have kicked him out and kept him out, permanently. He’s a disgrace. Very interesting about his ‘parents’ - they’ve failed spectacularly and crated an entitled, spoiled, emotionally lacking, selfish, manchild. Any man who loves and respects his wife and family, wouldn’t dream of doing this. He doesn’t love you - he loves himself way more. Sorry OP. I get so mad at parents who mollycoddle their sons and provide them with no emotional education to develop ans sustain successful relationship. You see it everywhere.

I was ready to say that he'd lose the money for the stag - but then I read that his mum is funding it...

Absolutely not - if he is going to go on a stag then his parents can pay the rent!!!

Absolutely ridiculous that they'd pay for the stag before his share of the rent when you have a child.

I would definitely be kicking him out!!

I was going to say at first yes bad timing but allow on stag do

then read your other replies @StripeyCatLady

def have yourself a cocklodger. But you don’t see it till it’s too late - been there. Done that so I understand and sympathise

you will be forever tied to this man via your kids. Yes mad to get preg but guess Bette do have 2 kids with same man rather then another useless man as he’s in your life via dd

sayibf all that. He’s a selfish prick. Getting mummy and daddy to pay for it all while you struggle

So kick him out. Not sure if you rent together or have a mortgage , but if rent you will get help with or as a single mum do contact uc and council and get 25% off single person

as hes not working , unlikely to get much maintenece and apply via cms and if like me you will be so lucky and get £28 a month - a whole £7 a week for your child as he isn’t working

note the sarcasm !!

Hope dd feel better soon

Encourage him to go.
use that weekend to change the locks and pack up his stuff.

you deserve so much more than this waste of oxygen.

wishing you all the best.

This x 1000

That he hasn’t even bothered to discuss it with you or ask/arrange how you’re going to get your daughter to the hospital whilst he’s away would make me think that he really doesn’t care about other people. The lack of effort to find a job whilst you struggle to pay everything as well is just awful. His parents paying for him and not understanding why you kicked him out before would make me think that he’s been raised to be self-centred and lacking emotional intelligence. After 5 years of being a parent I doubt he’ll change and grow up.

I wonder what his mates are going to think when he rocks up at the Stag weekend if they ask him about his family and find out he’s left his pregnant wife at home to deal with a poorly child who has to
go to hospital daily. I don’t think my husband would be very impressed. I’d probably get a message about it while he was away!

What an awful
situation. Sounds like things have really gotten out of control. What have his parents said…anything? Get yourself sorted with driving, if you can. Eventually.
Don’t take him back, he has to really changed if you are going to consider it or he will just do the same again - nothing! If you do want to keep
your family together then I think he really does have to feel like he is losing you, see if he fights for it. If he doesn’t he was never gonna change. If he does, you might have something to work on…

This and your want for your dd to have another sibling is not acceptable I’m sorry @StripeyCatLady, but he ridiculous excuses for having a second. You’re hiding behind a smokescreen there. He’s useless! You ignored all the shit and focused on one “good” factor and proceeded to get pregnant…you need to make better decisions too! He’s a waste of space

You are so not out of order. He’s acting like a part-time boyfriend and a zero-hours dad while you’re pregnant, skint, in pain, and doing everything.
If he swans off on another jolly while his kid’s on antibiotics through a cannula and you can't even drive—yeah, it says everything. You shouldn’t have to test if he’ll step up. The fact he hasn’t even considered staying says it all.

What sort of dad could just leave to go on a stag do leaving a seriously unwell child at home? Setting aside the lazy cock-lodging, he is a really crappy and neglectful father. You will definitely be better off without him. And ignore his ridiculous enabling mother. She's a twat too.

What an absolute piss taker.

This isn’t an equal partner who values you and cares for you.

I read the title and came on expecting to think you might be being unreasonable. Then I saw about your sick child (who I’m glad to see is getting better) and thought yes she’s got a point. By the time I got to the end of your post I was mouth open at exactly what a waste of space he is. I therefore think it sounds like this stag do is a blessing if it gives you the opportunity to get him out. You may still be doing it all when he’s gone but at least you’ll be doing it all without the emotional strain of being let down and frustrated by someone who is supposed to love you.

kick him out and claim benefits as a single parent

My DH wouldn't leave me to go on a stag do if our flipping dog needed to go to the vets every day and was really sick - it wouldn't even occur to him to go in that situation with a very poorly child and a pregnant wife.

It's disgusting his parents are funding his fun times while you're paying for all the necessities and struggling, and it's even more disgusting that he's letting them.

Good dads are dads that don't fuck off when a child is seriously ill. Playing with her when she's well is not the definition of a good dad, but of a fair-weather father. And yes, I'm sure your daughter does love him, but with Disney dads it's so often a dysfunctional relationship that makes a child desperate to get their attention and win the affection of a parent that doesn't give a hoot about them truly.

Change the locks while he's gone.

This. So do your children.

I was thinking similarly to @Trickedbyadoughnut . You say he's a good dad because you see the time he spends with his child and that he makes her laugh, gets involved in her life etc. Yeah, doing those things is good, but let's face it, that's the icing on the cake of parenting- the fun part that pretty much anyone can do and have a surface level 'happy' relationship with their child.

The actually good parents, though, are the ones who do the hard slog day after day, show up for the relentless, thankless, unseen parts of taking care of their children, almost none of which is fun or easy, and doesn't get the reward of smiles or cute photos or hugs most of the time. But it is the stuff that actually creates a safe, functional, healthy environment for a child to grow up in.

He is not showing that he considers any of that part of parenting to be his responsibility. I'm not surprised you're fed up and worn down. Something has to change in the situation, it's just not sustainable for you is it?

Kick him out and focus on enjoying your own life with your kids.

Op could you go away on a girls weekend whilst your daughter is this ill? No, I thought not. He may love her, but not enough in my opinion. A good Dad would want to stay with her and look after her and make sure she got better. Not to mention all the other issues that mean his support is needed even more.
Absolutely get rid.
I hope your daughter gets well soon.

He's not a good dad OP. Tell his parents you're sending him back to them permanently so they can finish him off because they've done a shit job of raising him up till now.

Practical now though, contact the hospital and see if there's any other way to give the antibiotics as you can't get to the hospital for the rest. I don't know how hospital transport works but it's worth asking.

And take back the car keys.