2 years married and it's falling apart

[Yanique2580]

Good evening

I need some advice please. I have been married to my husband 2 years and we have a big issue. He is an engineer and we recently moved to Essex. He hates driving and sitting in traffic, however this is affecting him finding any work. He dosnt want to drive more than an hour in traffic to get to work, he dosnt want to do a day rate , he dosnt want to do call outs , he dosnt want to take a permanent job because of the call outs. I have tried to find him work but it has to tick all his boxes. He's now talking about moving out of Eseex to find work because he dosnt like the area and he says that there is too much traffic. I feel lost because he could easily get a job but he can't take the traffic/ driving so he would rather move away to somewhere like Northampton, Milton Keynes or even Yorkshire as he feels the traffic is better there. It's affecting my life because we can't enjoy things like going out because his money is low, he now has less than 800 in his bank and the bills are due this week and all he said was I would rather be homeless than sit in traffic in london or essex . I own my flat that we live in and want to look at purchasing a house but he can't help financially with that and he dosnt want to stay in Eseex ,but I do because I have family here. He is originally from Yorkshire and moved to London 20 years ago, but I won't live there it's too far.

Marriage advice

I'd say your on different paths kick him aside start again

You want different things from life. It sounds like he wants a rural life. You like suburbia/London.

I'm with your dh on this. I loath traffic, studied in London and then commuted in my 20s but hated it. I was depressed & struggling.

I've moved to a small market town where I have a good job that is a 10 minute rural drive. I can cycle to work along farm tracks and a towpath if I'm up early on fine days. The air is clean, there is much less noise. No stress. Life is a million times better.

Either your dh finds a job somewhere there is less traffic and you move, (but he'll need to compromise on shifts/callouts) or you split up.

But he/you need to do something, take a decision, not just drift.

He is basically refusing to make it work with you in Essex. Just refusing. That is a toxic way of going about a marriage. He is willing to refuse work and leech off you to bring you to heel. How do you feel about his refusal to work, refusal to contribute, and sulkily stonewalling you to get you to move?

Yes ,but then he should have stayed in Yorkshire.

I'm disappointed, it makes it worse when I see his other friends in Essex , travelling distances for work to support there family. He should be trying everything to stay with me, even if it means he needs to sit in traffic. I hate traffic we all do, but in life you have to do what you have to do to survive. X

I'm embarrassed to be fair. 2 years married and it ends. But I understand what your saying. Also worried about , starting again and possibly not meeting someone else. X

A good dp would work whilst actively looking for another job that suited him better.

I lived in Yorkshire for 20 years until 2016. The traffic was awful.
The A65 is horrendous.
Traffic around Leeds/Bradford is shocking. The Dales are choc full of traffic from April to October.
Where is this idyllic traffic free bit of Yorkshire?
This isn’t about traffic, it’s about him using any means possible to get you to move to Yorkshire.

You have absolutely nailed it. The other day he said, look at this house in Sheffield and I said its not happening. He made the choice 20 years ago to leave Yorkshire. He thinks the traffic in Sheffield is better 🙄 x

I think there are bigger issues here than the traffic. He clearly doesn't like his chosen job or the place where he lives. I think he's romanticising the idea of where he grew up. There is traffic in most places except very rural ones and it doesn't sound like there would be enough work for him in a very rural place if he has to drive around for jobs.

I think you need to sit down with him and unpick what it is he doesn't like and discuss what else he could do. What are his plans if he runs out of money? Does he intend to be supported by you? If he really doesn't want to live where you live, and you don't want to move, then you will have to split up.

Also, he's kidding himself if he thinks the traffic will be better in Milton Keynes.

Your message made me laugh🤣 about Milton Keynes lol. I think he is deluded to think that he is never going to sit in traffic. I actually think he regrets leaving Sheffield years ago and wants to go back. If he does, then yes he goes on his own. I have beautiful nephews and neices that I adore and lovely big family , so definitely not leaving. Thank you xx

Queuing at every single roundabout in Milton Keynes 😭

Northampton is all congestion and speed bumps (and shit).

Sorry that's no help, but worth pointing out.

It's okay. My second marriage lasted 3 years, but that was to decree nisi - we started our divorce after 18 months, and that was too late.

Sometimes you marry your hopes of a person, not the person they are. It's fine to admit that it was a mistake - that's why divorce is now 'no fault' and fully half of weddings lead to divorces.

Don't twist yourself out of shape to try making it work when you aren't compatible.

Would he be happy if he had a work from home call centre job? Doubtful.

It doesn't sound like he wants to do anything right now. That's no way to exist though and expect you to finance his idleness? Unhappiness?

How long have you been together? What led to the Essex move, was it solely your family?
Sorry, being nosey now!

I’d be interested to know how he thinks he’s funding the move with no job

Neither of you are making it work so end it. If you couldn't agree on any of this before marriage then you never should have. Compromises and communication and a whole lot of love are what make it work neither sounds happy neither is compromising so why carry on

Advise him to search for jobs that he can access via train.

I live in Yorkshire and dh is a engineer he travels 90min each way (45 min when not rush hour)

Hes not willing to make it work, he’s created a list of hard boundaries that make it impossible for him to get a job. This is not how an adult manages things, he needs to work and contribute to his family and then look for a better job or discuss long term plans. Ultimately it seems he’s not prepared to commit to Essex and expects you to change things. If you are happy where you are and not willing to move you need to have a serious talk. It may be that you are not compatible long term.

I stayed with my ex who was horrible (not saying your dh is) for far too long because I was embarrassed for my marriage to fail. Afterwards I realised it was more embarrassing that I put up with his behaviour for so long.

This wouldn’t be a choice for him if you didn’t own the home you both live in. If you had children would he refuse to drive them to and from school because of traffic? No one loves sitting in traffic but adults problem solve these sorts of issues (look for jobs with long shifts to avoid rush hours/get there early and go to a gym near the workplace). This is so stressful for you and no one would judge you for leaving this man baby

The unknown is potentially scary but better to be on your own than to be this badly accompanied.

You won’t meet anyone else whilst you’re still tied to this man so you can and should start over.

Why on earth does he think there's no traffic in Milton Keynes? I have reason to go there occasionally and it seems to be entirely centered around traffic, with endless roundabouts that all look the same.

Don't stay in an unhappy marriage out of embarrassment. People will be sad for you, but it's not a taboo anymore and thank goodness for that. My BIL got married quite young and divorced within a couple of years... 20 years later he's been happily remarried for a long time, and I barely remember the first wife.

North Somerset is quite good for no traffic

Sorry that you are going through this. Practical issues in the short term- do you work/have an income? How is your home paid for, own outright or mortgage? Who pays that? The comment that he would rather be homeless is really sad (even if meant not literally). At the very least he needs a job he’s happy in. Equally, you should not move areas unless you choose to.

OP, accept it was a mistake.
Get legal advice as the house is yours.
He will bleed you dry.
He is trying to drive you to leave.

Don't do it.
He is lazy and work shy.
Tell him he needs to move out.
Can you get a lodger to at least help with bills.

Lazy losers don't change.
End it now.
Nothing to feel embarrassed about.
Better you know he's work shy before children.

Stop any subscriptions.
Buy nothing he likes to eat.
Cut spending to the bone.
Get this waster out.

He has a rigid and inflexible thinking style, to such a severe degree he will drag himself into financial ruin, and severely negatively impact all aspects of your life. He expects you, not him, to adapt and change to meet his rigidity and inflexibility.

i married a man like this, though did not realise it at the time. All I can say is you are VERY lucky to have discovered this so early on in your marriage. My strong recommendation is to divorce him. Being with someone like this is miserable.

Don’t stay because you are too embarrassed to divorce soon after the wedding. So what if you are gossip in a pub conversation. It’s dumb to ruin your life to avoid that.

Divorce and move on.