2 years married and it's falling apart

[Yanique2580]

Good evening

I need some advice please. I have been married to my husband 2 years and we have a big issue. He is an engineer and we recently moved to Essex. He hates driving and sitting in traffic, however this is affecting him finding any work. He dosnt want to drive more than an hour in traffic to get to work, he dosnt want to do a day rate , he dosnt want to do call outs , he dosnt want to take a permanent job because of the call outs. I have tried to find him work but it has to tick all his boxes. He's now talking about moving out of Eseex to find work because he dosnt like the area and he says that there is too much traffic. I feel lost because he could easily get a job but he can't take the traffic/ driving so he would rather move away to somewhere like Northampton, Milton Keynes or even Yorkshire as he feels the traffic is better there. It's affecting my life because we can't enjoy things like going out because his money is low, he now has less than 800 in his bank and the bills are due this week and all he said was I would rather be homeless than sit in traffic in london or essex . I own my flat that we live in and want to look at purchasing a house but he can't help financially with that and he dosnt want to stay in Eseex ,but I do because I have family here. He is originally from Yorkshire and moved to London 20 years ago, but I won't live there it's too far.

I agree he's lazy and work shy. I'd tell him you're incompatible and send him on his way. My heart always sinks when I hear women on here say they have been looking for jobs for their husbands. It never ever works out.

DH and I strongly disagreed over where to live, several times - before and after marriage, had many arguments about it.

your H’s refusal to do the things necessary for work is something else. Unreasonable behaviour.

Get legal advice: it will likely be to separate asap to preserve your money and assets.

I disagree that Yorkshire should be ‘off the list’ because he left 20 years ago, it’s not where you met etc. Both your wants/needs are equal. If neither of you will concede, which sounds like the situation, divorce is necessary.

And yes, don’t job hunt for him, he’s an adult! Decide what your own boundaries are - I wouldn’t want to remain with someone behaving like this.

I live on the South Coast, and traffic here is dreadful! Unless your husband is planning on living in the middle of nowhere, and working around the corner, then his argument of traffic is a poor one! Traffic is everywhere, and most definitely in any built up area. He wants an engineering job that ticks every box, good luck on that one, it won't happen. He's being picky and ridiculous, I'm afraid. You need to get to the bottom of what actually the issue is, and it's not bloody traffic! No one likes traffic, but it's part and parcel of a daily commute. He needs to work, whilst looking for something else more suitable. The fact he even isn't trying doesn't bode well. You need a good honest conversation. Unfortunately, if you don't want to move from Essex and he really doesn't want to live there, then you have two choices - move elsewhere in the country within a reasonable distance to your family or you split.

Is being single and having to admit you made a mistake worse than wasting your life staying in a bad relationship with an incompatible workshy partner who is putting up endless barriers to get his own way and acting like a brat to get you to move 100’s of miles from home?

I think you know the answer to this

One of the major sources of conflict on here is where couples choose to settle. Both sides often think they can persuade the other one to grow to love a particular location. A lot of women are very determined to stay in their ‘home’ location. I know of just one man who made it a deal breaker settling in his home town ( he has a disabled sister and he feels a sense of responsibility towards her and his family). His wife was all agreement in the first flush of love but now she is resentful. A lot of men agree to live close to their in laws but it can lead to resentment.
i think you would be better off separating. Look for someone local to your family when choosing your next partner. You will be far less conflicted and your life will be much easier.

It sounds as if neither of you is prepared to make a sacrifice long-term for the other. You won’t move from Essex because it’s your home. He wants to go home to Yorkshire.

How about framing this as neither of you being wrong in what you want, but you want different things and neither loves the other enough to sacrifice the home setting? That’s ok, it just means that perhaps you shouldn’t have got married. Why did you?

Staying with someone because you are afraid there might not be a quick replacement is a recipe for misery.

@Yanique2580 so how the hell did he cope when he lived in london??? did he manage to get a job suiting his requirements??

"He should be trying everything to stay with me..."

And then you stipulate what you won't try for him.

It's ok to want different things. It's perfectly fine to end a relationship for that or any other reason.

It's not fair to expect him to try "everything" when you have your own line in the sand.

He’s a big letdown. I couldn’t respect a man-child like him. Trust me, he’ll keep dragging you down financially.

Don’t sell up because you can bet your bottom dollar, he’ll find some sort of excuse not to work wherever you are.

Just for your info, I do live very rurally and traffic is good here, BUT there is no work (unless you’re a farmer) and he would have to travel hours for work. So that would be another excuse for him!

I sympathise with DH. Traffic in the SE is horrendous nowadays , stressful and unhealthy to be out in. The problem is that you are each digging your heels in and dismissing the other’s concerns. Where could you live that would make you both happy?

I have many engineer friends who cycle, walk or get the bus to work because they chose to live where their job is?!

But if you won't move and he won't drive, the only option seems to be for him to take any job near enough to your house to not need to drive.

He sounds really unhappy in Essex. Maybe he thought he could do it but feels sad to be away from friends and family when yours are all nearby? It doesn't sound like you've had to make any compromises?

I know a couple where the guy wouldn't work and they divorced very quickly.

I know another where they tried living in the Midlands and she hated it, then Essex and he hated it, so they ended up in Wales which they both love.

He lived in Enfield and was driving to Hertfordshire. I think he just wants to move out of Essex. We lived in Milton Keynes for a bit and he said the traffic was better but it got expensive so we moved back to my flat in Essex as the mortgage is cheaper. In the year we have been here , he has not taken a full time job. He has done ad hoc private jobs but the problem is, it's not consistent money.

My exH and I separated just before our 3rd wedding anniversary for exactly these reasons - we ultimately wanted very different things and to be in different places, and he was heavily reliant on me financially as he kept chopping and changing jobs and wouldn’t do this, wouldn’t do that. Abruptly he felt the answer for him was to no longer live in the UK (didn’t want me with him, not that I wanted that either!) and off he went. After the initial devastation, a year later and I’m the happiest I’ve ever been - still living in my same lovely house, free of his constant angst and misery, not having to bail him out financially, and in an amazing relationship with a great guy!

I filed for divorce after six weeks with my second husband 😔 it's not embarrassing, you're owning a mistake and fixing it.

Sorry I was trying to quote the post you quoted, not you 👿

Op you should divorce him as soon as possible. You don’t want him to have a claim to your flat.

I don’t think I’ve voted LTB before but this warrants it. Only 2 years married and he’s on the verge of bleeding you dry because of… traffic? Imagine what he’d be capable of and willing to do/refuse to do over actual problems!
We live north of Birmingham and my partner was driving to Romford for work last week. This week he’s in Liverpool. He drove to Glasgow and back in a day for a job once (he’s an electrician). That’s the job he chose and I can’t imagine him just outright refusing, it wouldn’t work for our family.
I’d rather call it a day after 2 years than live in misery for another 20 x

So he won't take a full time job because of 'traffic'. You've tried living in Milton Keynes which had better traffic but it was too expensive so you moved back to your flat in Essex. He's great at finding problems and reasons why he can't work but a bit shit at finding workable solutions. I couldn't live with a man who is capable of well paid full time work but doesn't because of traffic. What happens if you have a family? - what the next excuse - noise?

You're not on the same page in terms of what you want from life. Don't be embarrassed - you've found out now so act on it and break up. There is nothing shameful about making a discovery and then splitting up if it's not working. What is a shame is spending your whole life being with someone and regretting it. Also please don't have kids with him!

Well done to you. Thanks for sharing. This gives me hope. So happy for you xx

Two insights really. I hate traffic to the extent I do not even drive at all. We live in a city and can cycle to work, having set it up that way on purpose. If I had to commute in a car I would quickly become very depressed. So there are people like your DH.

Secondly, I’m in my 40s, and there are quite a few people who got out of a short marriage like yours in their past. It doesn’t seem like giving up on something, but rather as like a little false start, a quirk of their history that you might not even know, often before they got onto their real life partner. Which is to say that if you did leave him people would talk about it for a month or two and then not again.

The only thing that jumps out to me @Yanique2580 is you say he should be doing anything (commute etc) to be with you but you won’t consider moving to be with him? How can you expect reasonably for him to move heaven and earth for you but not want to put in same effort. Caveat I don’t think you’re wrong for not wanting to move but I don’t think he’s wrong for wanting to either. Is there a compromise? If you don’t want to compromise then split up but YABU to say he should do everything to be with you and in the same breath “I won’t be moving…”

What was his attitude to traffic before he married a homeowner?

I have a friend in your situation. Her DH hasn't kept any job for more than two years because all the colleagues he's ever met are idiots. She's stuck in his shithole town because she had a baby with him. Honestly, don't let romantic ideas of 'marriage' dull your decision making. You know what you have to do.

It’s tough conversation time. Your red line seems to be that you won’t leave your current area. (Personally I find that a hard thing to relate to, especially since Yorkshire is so obviously superior to Essex 😉) He is a bit harder to understand but is obviously not happy with some work demands. It needs some creative ideas about possibly retraining so he can wfh or just get a job very locally, is there anywhere you could move locally to reduce traffic? Or maybe he’s not happy with life more generally and splitting is the best choice for both of you. Try to go into it without shame or expectation. It’s okay for both of you to want what you want.

I own my flat that we live in

I knew that was going to be the case even before I got that far in your post.

want to look at purchasing a house but he can't help financially with that

You've got a cocklodger. He doesn't want to work (and all these reasons about traffic are just excuses). He doesn't need to work because his housing needs are provided for by you because you own the property.

I would end this. Do not move to Yorkshire. It will be exactly the same there. There'll just be different reasons why he can't work.