2 years married and it's falling apart

[Yanique2580]

Good evening

I need some advice please. I have been married to my husband 2 years and we have a big issue. He is an engineer and we recently moved to Essex. He hates driving and sitting in traffic, however this is affecting him finding any work. He dosnt want to drive more than an hour in traffic to get to work, he dosnt want to do a day rate , he dosnt want to do call outs , he dosnt want to take a permanent job because of the call outs. I have tried to find him work but it has to tick all his boxes. He's now talking about moving out of Eseex to find work because he dosnt like the area and he says that there is too much traffic. I feel lost because he could easily get a job but he can't take the traffic/ driving so he would rather move away to somewhere like Northampton, Milton Keynes or even Yorkshire as he feels the traffic is better there. It's affecting my life because we can't enjoy things like going out because his money is low, he now has less than 800 in his bank and the bills are due this week and all he said was I would rather be homeless than sit in traffic in london or essex . I own my flat that we live in and want to look at purchasing a house but he can't help financially with that and he dosnt want to stay in Eseex ,but I do because I have family here. He is originally from Yorkshire and moved to London 20 years ago, but I won't live there it's too far.

He sounds a bit nuts tbh. And as someone from Yorkshire I can tell you traffic is often shockingly bad.

He is originally from Yorkshire and moved to London 20 years ago, but I won't live there it's too far.

What job was he doing in London before you moved to Essex? There's loads of traffic in London, obviously.

You've been married for 2 years but how long have you been together?

You might have an unpleasant surprise regarding the flat that you think is yours, and he could have hit the jackpot by marrying you.

I have no sympathy with him in your situation as he’s not even trying, yet you’re the one with the flat. Don’t move. If he wanted, he could go somewhere else and work Monday-Friday but I wouldn’t even recommend this as he has no respect for you. If you like, do some sums around the cost of moving and sit him down and let him know selling takes time as well as money. But this would just be as a precursor to suggesting a divorce. You really haven’t failed - he’s failed you.

He sounds like he has a severe case of homesickness that has potentially made him depressed, or it's the other way around, he is depressed and that makes him homesick.

I can relate to him as someone who spent 20 years having to live wherever my exh's job took us. Some places I liked and some places just made me miserable. I hated not having a say in where I lived. I have since divorced and moved back to my home country and I don't think I have ever been happier. Living in the wrong place can really have severe impact on your mental health and for me, living with someone who wouldn't even consider living where I wanted to live, just killed any love I had for him.

You are probably wise to get out of this marriage now, don't let it drag on because the longer you stay with him, the more of a claim on your assets he will have.

The thing isOP , if he wants to work in a freelance kind of way , all the areas with lots of consistent work ‘on the doorstep’ will be busy busy , with lots of traffic - you could move somewhere quieter but then he will find their isn’t consistent work - so it will fall on you. I would just be honest with yourself and him, you seem to be very much a family woman and he really doesn’t think that aspect matters- I would just say it’s not working for you and better to part ways -

Or you could compromise to some extent for a better quality of life. it sounds as though he moved to Essex because you have a flat there and family. What if you moved to somewhere quieter on the other side of London? You would still be able to see your family quite often.

If he was a graphic designer say and all desk based I would say differently - but he isn’t -

I'm utterly biased I know ok?! I have never known an engineer to be flexible in thought. It's always their way or the highway and being all about them. Pls don't put yourself out looking for jobs for a grown adult. He'll always find something wrong with it. Again, I know l have biases

It sounds like he has multiple excuses for not working. People stagger their journeys, leave 10 mins earlier or later. It's rarely actually gridlocked. He needs to find a job to pay his way. Sit down and talk to him, freeloading days are over and he needs to put himself out there.

It sounds like he doesn’t want to work or compromise, and is happy to sit in the flat you own doing nothing.

Don’t worry about the 2yr thing, it doesn’t matter, it’s your life and happiness that matter.

So maybe go your own ways. He can go back to Yorkshire be happy living at his mums house, still not working (probably what he’d do).

The only issue you’ll have after freeing yourself, is that he’d probably now get 50% of your flat in the divorce. Have you much equity?

To be fair to Yorkshire, I live in a very rural bit, hardly any traffic and it's lovely and quiet.

There are almost no jobs though, and you'd have a fair old commute (to a city with lots of traffic) to get a suitable one.

Quite. But it sounds like this guy doesn’t let pesky facts get in the way of his theoretical idyl..

And if I’m being honest, if you are going to split up anyway at some point, I’d do it quickly before he gets his dibs on a claim on your flat - and while you can still prove, with paperwork, that he was a financial drain not a contributor.

After such a short marriage you’ll be able to exit it with what you came into it with. He can keep his van / tools etc / laptop/ own tv / anything he specifically purchased like a coffee machine.

He should be trying everything to stay with me, even if it means he needs to sit in traffic.

This is at the heart of your issues @Yanique2580 - marriages and relationships only work if there is compromise on both sides. You are dictating the terms here.

Yes ,but then he should have stayed in Yorkshire.

This is rather flippant and a childish thing to say. There were no doubt many reasons he moved from Yorkshire 20 years ago, that decision was then. I fully agree his view of Yorkshire is 20 years out of date, he remembers it as it was when he left, but saying Well you shouldn't have left then is a pointless thing to say.

He has a rigid and inflexible thinking style, to such a severe degree he will drag himself into financial ruin, and severely negatively impact all aspects of your life. He expects you, not him, to adapt and change to meet his rigidity and inflexibility.

The OP is equally rigid, will not countenance any move from Essex and expects him to adapt to what she wants. Neither side seems prepared to compromise or at the very least discuss other options.

Not being able to meet someone else is not a good enough reason to stay with someone who won’t pull their weight and it was not on the same path mindset as you. Getting divorced is nothing to be ashamed of, so it didn’t work out. No one else is living your life so no one else gets to say whether it’s the wrong writing thing. Do what you need to do for you. To be honest, I would look at ending it sooner rather than later because the longer you’re married and in your apartment the more chance he’ll have a claim on it.

This

I hadn’t seen this. But yes. This. A hundred times this x

Sounds like a cocklodger using all the excuses in the book not to work so he does sweet fuck all, pays sweet fuck all and you can pick up all the bills and house chores. You say you married already? 😬 I would give an ultimatum, personally. He starts work and contributing within 3mo, or it's over. Marriage is a partnership!

Absolutely get legal advice about your flat and bear in mind that the long the marriage, the more rights he has to assets.

Sounds like he is attempting to manipulate you into moving to Yorkshire and, if that fails, getting his hands on half your flat to buy something post divorce, meanwhile you foot the bill for living expenses. Those aren't actions of a good person.

My DP is a truck driver, he spends enough time sat behind a wheel and absolutely hates traffic. He’d much rather take an hour long diversion where we’re moving than sit stationary for 30 minutes!

Everyone is allowed their breaking point, I guess it comes down to how often and how long he would need to spend doing something he hates. If he’s exaggerating and it’s more like the odd hour here and there then he’s being unreasonable but IF it is as bad as he says I think you would be unreasonable not to consider an alternative.

Seeing as it seems to be reassurance that a short, failed marriage won't ruin someone's life, rather than relationship advice, that you're after:
I had a two year marriage in my 20s.
I'm now in my 40s, I have a wonderful family, and I've been with DH for more than a decade. Every once in a while I'll remember that DH1 played a bit part in my life but, honestly, not often.

She is being rigid but,,, if he was showing himself as stable and reliable .Then maybe they could have a conversation.
Seem op has no choice to stays where she is for financial security

This is true. I've just been to visit friends and the traffic was a nightmare.

This isn't about traffic. He will never be happy anywhere. If he moved back to Sheffield he'll say it's changed for the worse. An engineer refusing to travel or take call outs is useless. He obviously has a whole heap of issues and they aren't going to improve with age. Get out now OP before you lose your flat, your dignity and many more years of your life.