2 years married and it's falling apart

[Yanique2580]

Good evening

I need some advice please. I have been married to my husband 2 years and we have a big issue. He is an engineer and we recently moved to Essex. He hates driving and sitting in traffic, however this is affecting him finding any work. He dosnt want to drive more than an hour in traffic to get to work, he dosnt want to do a day rate , he dosnt want to do call outs , he dosnt want to take a permanent job because of the call outs. I have tried to find him work but it has to tick all his boxes. He's now talking about moving out of Eseex to find work because he dosnt like the area and he says that there is too much traffic. I feel lost because he could easily get a job but he can't take the traffic/ driving so he would rather move away to somewhere like Northampton, Milton Keynes or even Yorkshire as he feels the traffic is better there. It's affecting my life because we can't enjoy things like going out because his money is low, he now has less than 800 in his bank and the bills are due this week and all he said was I would rather be homeless than sit in traffic in london or essex . I own my flat that we live in and want to look at purchasing a house but he can't help financially with that and he dosnt want to stay in Eseex ,but I do because I have family here. He is originally from Yorkshire and moved to London 20 years ago, but I won't live there it's too far.

I live in Devon and you should see the traffic here. 😂 There is still traffic. If there’s an accident or a tractor in the way or it’s school holidays or June/July/August. There are days I don’t go anywhere because I don’t want to sit in traffic for an hour. I used to work in London and never got stuck in traffic as I took the train in then bus/tube.

It sounds like he chose the wrong job if he doesn’t like driving, not that you live in the wrong area. Is he making a fuss to (a) get out of working and (b) get you to sell up so he can get his hands on your equity? This doesn’t sound promising and I’d be divorcing soon while it’s still a short marriage and he has less of a claim on your home.

Am I missing something? An engineer who doesn’t want to drive/experience traffic? That’s like saying I want to be cabin crew but don’t want to fly.
He’s making excuses for sure for the fact he’s feeling unfulfilled and like he’s on the wrong path in life, so he’s making it about location. He won’t see that though until you let him go and experience “less traffic” elsewhere (like that exists in a driving job….).
You’re on different paths and neither is right or wrong. All I would say is that this is your flat but if you’re married he could have a beneficial interest in it the longer you are together and if children come along. A 2 year marriage is considered short and your solicitor can argue that you should both leave the marriage how you went into it. I think you need to make a decision sooner rather than later.
There is no shame in a false start. The sooner you realise your mistakes the more people will respect that. Don’t fall into the sunk cost fallacy.

So he’s moved in to your flat and wants you to sell up and buy a house in an area he wants to live in but he won’t be making a financial contribution?

Hmm sounds like another in the long line of MN lesser walleted cocklodgers lining themselves up for an easy ride being bankrolled by a woman.

I live in Leeds/Bradford and have to drive for work. Traffic is awful generally and as a pp said the A65 and the motorways here can be as bad as anywhere else.
I have lived in the SE and the East Midlands
there’s traffic everywhere

Put simply, you both want entirely different things. Either you discuss it and find a compromise or you split.

I guess he was younger then, and had no-one to support him, so he had to move to survive or to gain his engineering qualification.

But you're right. If he wanted to go home to Yorkshire, he should have been crystal clear about that before marriage, and he should never refuse to work or sponge of you.

I think PPs are right. It's ultimatum time. Either he pulls his weight, gets back to work and then looks for a job locally or that he can travel to by train, or you split because your differences are too fundamental. Do it soon.

Also I don't think it's fair to say he'd already left Yorkshire so he can't move back. Maybe he'd always envisaged himself raising a family in Yorkshire?

He's got some kind of 'feeling' that people in Yorkshire, Northampton, and Milton Keynes don't sit in traffic, and he's delusional.

The issue is that he doesn't want to work. It's not your responsibility to find him a job that fits his requirements. Move areas and watch what happens, the weather/altitude/neighbours will mean ... he can't get a job. And it will still be your fault somehow.

He will drag you down, cut him loose.

Which is a conversation he should have raised before marrying someone who lives in their own home in Essex that he doesn’t contribute financially to.

According to OPs posts they used to live in Milton Keynes together though and only recently moved to Essex. He preferred living in MK and he said the traffic was better there. He just really hates living where they are living now but OP won't move, which is perhaps fair enough since I don't think they can afford to.

Was he working when you married him? What changed?

OP’s DH: “Here are three places in different parts of the country where I’d be happy to live.”
OP: “I refuse to live anywhere but Essex.”
MN: “He’s inflexible, he’s a cocklodger, kick him to the curb” etc

The traffic thing is a distraction. He clearly doesn’t want to live in Essex and he probably doesn’t want to get a job in Essex because that makes Essex permanent. Forget the traffic. You need to decide jointly where you want to live. In most marriages, that requires compromise on both sides.

In the OP's opening post:

we recently moved to Essex.

A recent move and her husband is not happy living there and he clearly either can't or won't just flat out say that hence all the stuff about traffic, etc.

Either you sit and discuss possible compromises OP or you both rigidly stick to you refusing to move and him refusing to stay where he is unhappy and go your separate ways.

Marriage involves compromise and give and take on both sides.

Wanting him to get stable, paid work - when it’s available in his field where he is, but not meeting his preferences - isn’t wanting him to ‘move heaven and earth’.

So his unwillingness to do this is a huge red flag, especially (but not only) if OP wants DC.

16 months my first marriage lasted and that was probably 16 months too long, nice guy but our priorities didn’t align. I agree with the others, let him free, he can go back to Yorkshire and you can get on with your life. It will get better.

He needs to tell the OP that and they need to discuss it.
But he doesn't get to sit round on his arse refusing to work like a moody teenager until he either gets his own way or they agree a compromise. He gets a job while they discuss the situation and make plans to move. After all, if he gets a job he'll be in a position to contribute financially to the move rather than expecting the OP to provide a home for him.

I moved to Yorkshire recently. The traffic is vile! M62 has a major accident almost daily which gridlocks huge parts of the area.

I’m in West Yorkshire and the traffic is bad here. FFS it’s bad every where!!

He sound like a child. My husband would do anything to make sure we had enough money because that’s what you do!! Tell him he needs to grow up and get therapy.

He just sounds like he’s making up excuses because he doesn’t want to work. There will be a new reason if you did move.

First, what sort of engineer? How specialised and how easy is it to find work? Could he find a role based in one location with less need to travel to call outs, even if it needs some retraining.
Second, which bit of Essex? Sounds like maybe the A13/A127 corridor, but there are plenty of quieter, rural bits of Essex where you could move with less upheaval than Sheffield.
Or is it just his way or nothing?

I’m originally from Sheffield although I’ve been in Liverpool for 30 plus years. I travel back regularly to see family and occasionally for work, when I’m in the city centre, approached from the south of the city. When I leave to head to family I head out north west. Both ways I’m crawling in heavy traffic.

When I travel to see my DB I go through Leeds out into North Yorkshire. That’s not exactly fun either.

I dread going to Milton Keynes cause of the traffic and thats for pleasure not even work😂

Tell him to find a permanent job within ? miles of where you are content to move to. Do as much research about that area as you both can. End of discussion, hopefully.

@Yanique2580what’s happened?