My fiancé wishes for oral but I have a problem

[FlameFlameFruit]

Trigger Warning, edited by MNHQ.

Hello everyone. I hope I am in the right place to ask for advice here... I am kind of at my wits end.

The problem is... me and my partner have been in a relationship for almost four years now. We have maneauvered through a lot over the years and hit a roadblock, kind of. It's nothing really mayor but it feels big enough to be worried.

I was in a very abusive relationship years ago. It was my first one and went on for three years. In that time I had to endure a lot of things... i don't want to go into much detail but part of the abuse was rape. Different kinds. I managed, with years of therapy, to overcome big parts of it and I am, now (for the first time in forever) able to have sex freely. Without hesitation or being scared.

But here comes the problem. The same does not count for oral sex. I CAN do it if it comes from me and the mood is right. Then I even enjoy it... but when my partner asks if I would do it for him i feel this wall. I know that I can always say no and I have done so most of the time. But this is an issue that keeps coming up. I have tried multiple things.. a signal, making it a habit for me (that never worked) and i tried flavored gel.

He, understandably, wants his wishes to be heard and taken seriously. He says that he feels really connected to me when I do it. He feels loved and just enjoys it a lot. But I have this big boulder in my chest whenever he asks me... or texts me if i want to do it right now. Its hard to explain... i asked to not ask every day and just leave it a bit more open. To allow me to meet him halfway. But I have adhd and tend to push things away, forget it and then he has to bring it up again. He doesn't feel seen or understood... i feel between a rock and a hard place, kinda. He wants to know how much asking is too much asking... but that is also so different. I never know what triggers me or how much... sometimes I can do it sometimes I can't... but it is a mayor problem for me.

I just don't know what to do anymore...

Sorry for the rambling

You've made it clear that his constant pressure for you to give him oral makes you uncomfortable. He continues to try to manipulate and pressure you into doing it. This is sexual abuse in a more insidious form.

He is the problem, not you.

He is the problem. Very very much so. Bordering on abusive.

He isn't a good man. He knows it triggers you and yet he keeps pestering for it rather than letting it happen naturally when you feel ready. His wants do not get to override your consent, please think carefully before marrying this man because he's showing you who he really is and it's not good.

Any asking is too much. You know he enjoys it and will offer it when you can enjoy it too. It’s gross that he’s pestering you for something he knows you don’t enjoy.

He is trying to coerce you into a sexual act you don't want to do.

He doesnt sound like a safe partner OP.

He sounds awful. Sorry

This rings alarm bells and sounds like manipulation. If someone doesn't want to do something sexual, that's the end of it. You need to explain that you want him to stop asking.

he is the problem here OP, you have made it clear to him and he is still persistent and asking.

Being pressured is such a no no and to me this would be a deal breaker. He sounds like he does not listen

How can he feel "connected" when he knows that you're not enjoying it? He's lying to you about that to get his own way. The pestering is grim. No wonder you feel uncomfortable x

You say you and your partner have manoeuvred through a lot since you got together nearly 4 years ago. Reading between the lines, that makes me wonder whether you have ignored some red flags.

Your partner’s current behaviour is abusive. It’s one thing to occasionally request oral sex but he is harassing you for it, despite knowing you were sexually abused in your previous relationship. As a previous PP said, he doesn’t sound like a safe partner for you.

He says that he feels really connected to me when I do it. He feels loved

OP this is total bullshit.

we had this conversation many times already. He has asked if he should just stop asking for it... but it also made me feel like I am letting him down? I told him that he can ask but I have occasionally told him not to ask for a while. If I had a roadblock or something triggering happening. But lately the intimate things went really well and i think he thought something was developing in a good direction where I felt better. And that he could ask for it again. Please don't think that he is a bad man. If I ask him not to ask me again he won't do it. But I want him to be heard too...

Don’t do it if you don’t want to do it. My partner doesn’t like giving oral and I knew that when we got together. You can still satisfy him in other ways.

Stop worrying about his needs. You aren't his carer. Make your decisions and stick to them.

He asks you everyday despite knowing this a trigger and a source of emotional pain for you?!

he’s awful

100% agree!!

I actually cringed when I read that.

He has been heard. You know he likes it and can be sure he is very unlikely to ever refuse it if offered. That's understood. Just a blanket "if it's on offer then it's yes from me." So tell him you know that and now he just needs to shut up and wait until it's offered or instigated by you. He only needs to tell you if his view changes, otherwise he has made his position more than clear.

I also think he sounds like a dick btw. I don't buy the connected crap that's emotional guilt tripping to make you feel bad and to excuse it if he acts shitty. So he can say "sorry I did X shit thing, I'm just not feeling loved and connected right now. Poor me and it's all your fault."

Also, what do you mean he texts you to ask?

Please don't think that he is a bad man

Why not? He’s a creep. You’re making excuses for his behaviour OP. He is coercive, manipulative and knows he’s triggering you.

Sadly having been in an abusive relationship previously, your boundaries are skewered and you’re not seeing the red flags. Unfortunately having had one abusive partner, you’re more vulnerable to other abusers.

It’s sad that you felt unable to say ‘yes I want you never to ask’ when he offered that. Something stopped you accepting that offer - did you feel it was honestly made? What about if you said now ‘no don’t ever ask me’. How would that feel?

I think because you have been in such an abusive relationship previously you don’t see this behaviour as that bad.

However a man who loves you, and knows the trauma you have been through, would never continue to ask for something linked to your abuse. He should understand that you need to take the power back. And if that means only doing it when you initiate that is totally reasonable.

If this is something that would leave him unsatisfied in your relationship then you are better off without. Some guys get a blow job once a year! He should be thankful you are trying to work through your trauma to pleasure him, not asking for it when he knows it’s triggering.

And I don’t have the trauma aspect but I get the ick when my husband asks me. I too prefer to do it when I’m in the mood not on demand.

Sorry I was too harsh.

I want to add well done OP for coming through that abuse. I'm sorry you had that experience and I hope you continue to grow stronger.

It's so hard to redraw your boundaries afterwards and know what is comfortable and healthy, and what's OK one day won't be the next. That's fine, you are a human not a robot, your moods will vary. It happens with other things in life - one day you feel like dancing / swimming / fancy restaurant, next you don't. You would't be hard yourself up about those so why this.

He is disgusting man … he does not love you… he loves his penis!

I would dump any man who so sexually desperate.. even more reason when you’ve been sexually abused in the past… this man has no heart.

get rid of him…

Ok. Let's reverse this. If he told you he had been raped and a certain sexual act or position that you liked was incredibly triggering for him, would you still want to ask him to do it? Or would you not want even the possibility of making him feel the slightest bit uncomfortable? Because if my partner told me that then no way would I ask again, because I care about them. And he shouldn't be asking you.

What a selfish pig.

He knows your situation so he knows he should never ask. He knows that you are aware that he enjoys/wants it, and will do it when you feel comfortable with it. He knows all of this. So he should STOP FUCKING ASKING! Which he also knows, he just doesn't care.