My fiancé wishes for oral but I have a problem

[FlameFlameFruit]

Trigger Warning, edited by MNHQ.

Hello everyone. I hope I am in the right place to ask for advice here... I am kind of at my wits end.

The problem is... me and my partner have been in a relationship for almost four years now. We have maneauvered through a lot over the years and hit a roadblock, kind of. It's nothing really mayor but it feels big enough to be worried.

I was in a very abusive relationship years ago. It was my first one and went on for three years. In that time I had to endure a lot of things... i don't want to go into much detail but part of the abuse was rape. Different kinds. I managed, with years of therapy, to overcome big parts of it and I am, now (for the first time in forever) able to have sex freely. Without hesitation or being scared.

But here comes the problem. The same does not count for oral sex. I CAN do it if it comes from me and the mood is right. Then I even enjoy it... but when my partner asks if I would do it for him i feel this wall. I know that I can always say no and I have done so most of the time. But this is an issue that keeps coming up. I have tried multiple things.. a signal, making it a habit for me (that never worked) and i tried flavored gel.

He, understandably, wants his wishes to be heard and taken seriously. He says that he feels really connected to me when I do it. He feels loved and just enjoys it a lot. But I have this big boulder in my chest whenever he asks me... or texts me if i want to do it right now. Its hard to explain... i asked to not ask every day and just leave it a bit more open. To allow me to meet him halfway. But I have adhd and tend to push things away, forget it and then he has to bring it up again. He doesn't feel seen or understood... i feel between a rock and a hard place, kinda. He wants to know how much asking is too much asking... but that is also so different. I never know what triggers me or how much... sometimes I can do it sometimes I can't... but it is a mayor problem for me.

I just don't know what to do anymore...

Sorry for the rambling

Tell him to stop mentioning it. He is being incredibly unfair putting his own sexual needs first. What kind of person asks for something constantly that they know is triggering for you due to past abuse. Absolute rubbish he feels an emotional connection, he just wants the pleasure of a BJ, irrespective of how you feel about it. He is beyond selfish.

He doesn’t need “to be heard “ on this. He knows what you’ve been through and what this does to you when he’s repeatedly asking for it. Get rid of this man OP. He’s a bad one.

OP, please read all of these responses carefully. NO decent man would be putting you through this. My DH would happily have sex many times a day, but never pressures me for it. Sending you texts asking for blow jobs is not in any way considerate of what you have been through. This is not a caring man, he’s just an incredibly selfish pig. I’m so sorry you are still in an abusive relationship. I don’t say this lightly but please LTB 🙏

He knows your feelings about it, and he is not respecting your boundaries.

This is not a person worth being worried about.

If he was a decent person he would never ask. End of story.

I think it's ok to tell him he can't ask for it again. You know that he wants it, him asking will never be new information for you. It is possible one day you might feel able to do it if it's totally in your control and without any prompting. Every time he asks it makes that day less likely. It is ok to explain that to him and then frankly if he asks again that would be a signal to end the relationship.

Maybe this is the agreement you agree:

it’s off the table at all times
you don’t feel comfortable with it because of prior abuse and even if you did feel comfortable that is so dependent on other things and you are really just doing it for him and he can just accept this - that’s what a nice normal person would do.

Dont blame yourself or your adhd

I'm so sorry to be reading this.

It shouldn't be something that's just asked for out of the blue, likewise it shouldn't be something that's ordered via text! Or even do you fancy it now? I know you've been through awful abuse, but this too is abuse.
It should be part of enjoyable sex where it turns you on to please him. Not just - how about now?

No.

Do you think you'd benefit from some more counselling @FlameFlameFruit
I think concentrating on yourself and not worrying about a selfish partner would do you the world of good.

I’m sorry OP, it must be difficult to read 3 pages of people in agreement because you love this man and don’t want to think badly of him. But the truth is that it is bad - it would be one thing if he didn’t know of your past (but even then no one should pester anyone for anything), but he does know and thinks his privates in your mouth are more important than your mental wellbeing.
Just because this man isn’t as bad as the other man doesn’t make him a good man. The poster who asked you to reverse this was spot on- would you do this to him? If no, why not- why don’t you think it’s okay?
I think you know deep down.
I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through - but there are people out there who would never treat you like this and you deserve better. Take care.

I'm so sorry for your experience of being raped.

Your DH does not have the right to oral. It is not essential to feel close. You should just say he has to stop mentioning it ever because its a trigger. He should respect that.

I think you need to be more protective of yourself. Your experience is more valid than his sexual satisfaction

This.
He is not a good man.
Connected to you? Bullshit.

Do not marry suchba selfish man.

Get back into therapy.

I am so sorry that his selfishness is triggering your awful experiences.

Please do not do something you do not want to do.

He's connected to you when his dick is in your mouth? Of course he is the twat.

OP it's honestly weird that he asks when he knows this is an abuse trigger for you. The fact that he's still excited about the idea when he knows it affects you in that way - he's abusive.

To give you a comparison, I don't particularly like giving oral to a man, I don't have any major triggers for it but I do find it uncomfortable (physically and mentally) I have been with my DH for twenty years. He's appreciated when I have done it, but never once has he asked me for it, texted me, initiated it. Same as I've never explicitly requested a specific act from him. I really don't think that's unusual. We do talk about sex but in a 'i can't wait to be with you' kind of way, not a 'here's my list of requests'

He TEXTS you, nagging about a BJ? And has asked for one, one way or another, on a daily basis?

Sounds awfully akin to ringing or texting a sex worker to request a service to me. How entitled and abusive he sounds. What decent man makes a sexual request by text, anyway? And that's quite aside from the fact you've made it clear it triggers you and is only something you will do if YOU feel in the mood and ok with it.

OP, please don't marry this entitled nob. He won't get better. In fact, having married you, I think there's every chance he'll become even more entitled to what he clearly thinks is his 'due'.

He is not a loving man, and you are making excuses for him.
I think you need to examine this question.

Why does he enjoy something so much that he knows is traumatic for you?

Sorry to be harsh but you’ve found yourself back in an abusive relationship and you can’t even see it. This will only get worse.

This thread is still bothering me.
I said in my other post, he's a perp. Just to be clear OP, I say he's a perp, because he KNOWS this is a traumatic experience for you. So. He KNOWS, that while you are giving him a BJ, you are having thoughts and memories of being assaulted. You're not doing it while thinking he's so hot, you love it etc etc, you are having thoughts of being assaulted. And yet, he STILL wants you to go through this? Is he one of those sickos with a rape fetish? As in, he likes to role play raping people? Because he is doing exactly the same thing to you OP. He KNOWS you are traumatised throughout this act and he is getting off on it. Literally! He's orgasming I presume? So he's getting off on it.

This is NOT a good guy OP.

Me too @wandawaves

op - this thread will have been a very hard read for you as you desperately wanted and needed to believe that your fiancé is a good man. I’m not surprised you’re not responding, but I would urge you to keep this thread and all the responses, and come back to it when you’re ready.

remember, there is nothing in it for any of the respondents telling you he is awful, other than to help a fellow woman out. We gain nothing by telling you he’s awful if he isn’t. Whereas he gains everything with his coercive control of you. Please believe us.

He 'feels really connected to you' when you do it, does he?! Cry me a fucking river.

Tell him if he wants such a close connection to your brain he should try actually listening to your wants and needs, rather than 'connecting' to your mouth with his penis.

Do not do anything sexually you don't want to. If he keeps asking and manipulating you to do it then leave. It's another form of abuse.

He knows how you feel. He wants his pee pee sucked more than he wants your comfort and peace.

That's awful, I'm sorry OP. Your choice, choose peace or live with this anxiety.

or texts me if i want to do it right now.

WTF! I have not ha d a lot of partners but nobody has ever text or asked me for this! It's the sort of this that might happen naturally when you're together and turned on, not something that you text to book yourself in!

He wants to know how much asking is too much asking

Any asking is too much asking. He sounds like a sex pest toddler with no boundaries. So unattractive.

I presume he is amazing at giving oral sex himself?

If he can’t respect your boundary on this, knowing as he does what you had to endure, then that is a huge huge huge red flag. It would be inhuman of him to push for this if you’re not ready.

Him texting you for a blowjob is him treating you as meat.

Disrespectful and toxic.

Do not marry such a man.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk pls have a look at this.

Talk to rape crisis because I think you are confused and need support.

I think he is a sex pest.

Never ever do anything you are not comfortable with doing.
It makes him feel connected what a load of rubbish.

He has asked if he should just stop asking for it...

This is first class manipulation.

He asks, he knows you feel bad, he is therefore making YOU say that he should continue to ask. Not his fault he asks then, is it?

Can I just say that nowhere in the United Nations Declaration of Human Rights does it mention the right to have one's dick sucked.

Biggest con job men have ever pulled is convincing women that their dick is the most important member of the relationship.