My fiancé wishes for oral but I have a problem

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Trigger Warning, edited by MNHQ.

Hello everyone. I hope I am in the right place to ask for advice here... I am kind of at my wits end.

The problem is... me and my partner have been in a relationship for almost four years now. We have maneauvered through a lot over the years and hit a roadblock, kind of. It's nothing really mayor but it feels big enough to be worried.

I was in a very abusive relationship years ago. It was my first one and went on for three years. In that time I had to endure a lot of things... i don't want to go into much detail but part of the abuse was rape. Different kinds. I managed, with years of therapy, to overcome big parts of it and I am, now (for the first time in forever) able to have sex freely. Without hesitation or being scared.

But here comes the problem. The same does not count for oral sex. I CAN do it if it comes from me and the mood is right. Then I even enjoy it... but when my partner asks if I would do it for him i feel this wall. I know that I can always say no and I have done so most of the time. But this is an issue that keeps coming up. I have tried multiple things.. a signal, making it a habit for me (that never worked) and i tried flavored gel.

He, understandably, wants his wishes to be heard and taken seriously. He says that he feels really connected to me when I do it. He feels loved and just enjoys it a lot. But I have this big boulder in my chest whenever he asks me... or texts me if i want to do it right now. Its hard to explain... i asked to not ask every day and just leave it a bit more open. To allow me to meet him halfway. But I have adhd and tend to push things away, forget it and then he has to bring it up again. He doesn't feel seen or understood... i feel between a rock and a hard place, kinda. He wants to know how much asking is too much asking... but that is also so different. I never know what triggers me or how much... sometimes I can do it sometimes I can't... but it is a mayor problem for me.

I just don't know what to do anymore...

Sorry for the rambling

I'm so sorry OP, but this is sexual abuse in a more insidious form. It's so sad to read that you are so desperate to consider him and his feelings, and he is using that to subtly pressure you into a sexual act.

he has to bring it up again.

He really, really doesn't. He is choosing to, knowing what that means, and knowing the pressure and anxiety that puts on you. Honestly, if he was a good man, he would never bring it up again. You would not have to tell him not to, that is just what a decent non-abusive man would do.

He is not a good man and he is not a loving man. He is an abusive man in a different form to the other one.

But you have heard him, as you say. You’re a victim of past sexual assault that needs to trump everything - you tell him he is to never ask again and that you may or may not want to again, but it will be on your suggestion/doing. If he says that’s not ok then you end the relationship as he is showing you he is not a good man. Yes he may feel a bit disappointed, but he’s still getting sex so can enjoy what he is getting! Please don’t feel any guilt about this!

OP sorry but he actually doesn’t need to be heard on this. Even though he has already. Some things are discussions, and everybody getting heard, and then compromising- stuff like what to have for dinner (both get equal say) because both sides are just wants. But some stuff is not like that- because one person’s rights are more important than another’s wants.

you have a right not to be sexual in any way that triggers you. Full stop. His wants are not relevant, because rights matter more.

Tell him never ever to ask again. Tell him you might quite possibly never give him oral. Tell him it is possible that you may occasionally initiate, but if you ever do this will still not be an invitation for him to start asking. From now on you will be the only initiator, ever. If he’s not ok with that then he needs to leave.