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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My fiancé wishes for oral but I have a problem

78 replies

FlameFlameFruit · 24/06/2025 21:35

Trigger Warning, edited by MNHQ.

Hello everyone. I hope I am in the right place to ask for advice here... I am kind of at my wits end.

The problem is... me and my partner have been in a relationship for almost four years now. We have maneauvered through a lot over the years and hit a roadblock, kind of. It's nothing really mayor but it feels big enough to be worried.

I was in a very abusive relationship years ago. It was my first one and went on for three years. In that time I had to endure a lot of things... i don't want to go into much detail but part of the abuse was rape. Different kinds. I managed, with years of therapy, to overcome big parts of it and I am, now (for the first time in forever) able to have sex freely. Without hesitation or being scared.

But here comes the problem. The same does not count for oral sex. I CAN do it if it comes from me and the mood is right. Then I even enjoy it... but when my partner asks if I would do it for him i feel this wall. I know that I can always say no and I have done so most of the time. But this is an issue that keeps coming up. I have tried multiple things.. a signal, making it a habit for me (that never worked) and i tried flavored gel.

He, understandably, wants his wishes to be heard and taken seriously. He says that he feels really connected to me when I do it. He feels loved and just enjoys it a lot. But I have this big boulder in my chest whenever he asks me... or texts me if i want to do it right now. Its hard to explain... i asked to not ask every day and just leave it a bit more open. To allow me to meet him halfway. But I have adhd and tend to push things away, forget it and then he has to bring it up again. He doesn't feel seen or understood... i feel between a rock and a hard place, kinda. He wants to know how much asking is too much asking... but that is also so different. I never know what triggers me or how much... sometimes I can do it sometimes I can't... but it is a mayor problem for me.

I just don't know what to do anymore...

Sorry for the rambling

OP posts:
GluttonousHag · 24/06/2025 22:28

ArtTheClownIsNotAMime · 24/06/2025 21:41

You've made it clear that his constant pressure for you to give him oral makes you uncomfortable. He continues to try to manipulate and pressure you into doing it. This is sexual abuse in a more insidious form.

He is the problem, not you.

This.

nocoolnamesleft · 24/06/2025 22:29

So him wanting to get his rocks off in one specific way is more important to him than your trauma being triggered. What a creep.

BrentfordForever · 24/06/2025 22:34

Oh dear, therapy doesn’t seem to have truly helped you

you need help identifying an abuser

this is not the norm

Landlubber2019 · 24/06/2025 22:41

Well isn't he a treasure.... You need to throw that turd back in the sea and tell him that frankly if he were to put his dick on your mouth, you might bite down! Don't take his shit!

OldEnoughToFancyBobGeldof · 24/06/2025 22:42

He’s happy for you to do something you’re not comfortable with because he likes it, this makes him a piece of shit.
I have a history of SA and have said to my husband that when it comes to certain sex acts I have to be the one to initiate it, he wouldn’t dream of crossing that boundary. I hope you can get away from this man and I’m sorry that this is happening to you.

arethereanyleftatall · 24/06/2025 22:44

Just because someone isn’t quite as obviously abusive as your previous partner, doesn’t make them not absusive.

what he is doing op is trying to emotionally manipulate you in to giving him what he wants, whilst you are getting nothing that you want, which is to do this ONLY by your own instigation

you are tying yourself in knots to ‘hear him’ - do you think he’s tying himself in knots making sure he hears you?

because if someone I loved op, told me that they had been raped and oral was triggering, then I would NEVER expect/ask for oral. Because that is abhorrently selfish and thoughtless.

livelovelough24 · 24/06/2025 22:50

It breaks my heart to read posts like this, it really does. Why is it so easy for us women to care about our men and their needs, but so hard to care about our own. I am so sorry OP, about everything that you have been through before and now. As a woman, and I would say from your post, I might be much older than you, I can tell you that this is also abuse. I lived twenty-five years with my exh and he never once asked for oral sex. If a situation presented itself and I felt like doing it, I would do it. It was not my favourite thing to do and if I did not want to do it, I would not, and he would never force me in anyway nor would he complain later on. If fact, any part of a sexual experience should be optional and you should never feel that you have to do it. This is the bases of a healthy relationship.

BeMoreAmandaland · 24/06/2025 22:58

Blow jobs are not essential to relationships, regardless of male expectations.

I agree with all the other posts.

If he loves you and respects you, then he'll be OK with you only giving him oral sex when you feel OK to do so. Putting pressure on you, however it is dressed up is not OK and you're not letting him down.

carmak · 24/06/2025 23:11

That's not love, that's the opposite of love. I'm scared for you OP.

Thinlyveiled · 24/06/2025 23:14

He asks every day for something you have said you don’t like and don’t want to do. That’s abusive. End of.

Catsandcannedbeans · 24/06/2025 23:22

If you knew he had trauma around a sex act would you constantly ask him to do it? If you knew he didn’t like it and he had expressed how it made him feel, would you keep asking? Would you ask every day? Can you imagine behaving like that towards him?

No I don’t think you would. OP I don’t think he’s a nice man, he sounds selfish.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 24/06/2025 23:28

He's a sex pest.

The constant asking would give me the ICK, and that's even without me having the traumatic rape history that you've sadly had.

I'd think twice about marrying this guy.

A man doesn't need his cock sucked to feel "connected", what utter bollocks. You have listened to him, now you need to find the strength to just tell him to stop asking, and when you feel like it, you'll initiate it, but when he keeps asking you, it's triggering you. A good man would accept this, and feel bad for being a sex pest in the first place. It doesn't sound like he cares about your traumatic history.

LemondrizzleShark · 24/06/2025 23:32

He asks EVERY DAY?

Thstcwould be enough for me to dump him, and I don’t have any trauma around oral. He’s a sex pest at best, and abusive at worst.

heartbroken22 · 24/06/2025 23:39

I’d do yourself a favour and break up with him. He doesn’t want to understand

LycheeFizz · 25/06/2025 00:45

If a man, who knew I had an issue with this, sent me a text requesting it, I would not be defending him as a good man.

This is not ok.

Enough4me · 25/06/2025 00:48

livelovelough24 · 24/06/2025 22:50

It breaks my heart to read posts like this, it really does. Why is it so easy for us women to care about our men and their needs, but so hard to care about our own. I am so sorry OP, about everything that you have been through before and now. As a woman, and I would say from your post, I might be much older than you, I can tell you that this is also abuse. I lived twenty-five years with my exh and he never once asked for oral sex. If a situation presented itself and I felt like doing it, I would do it. It was not my favourite thing to do and if I did not want to do it, I would not, and he would never force me in anyway nor would he complain later on. If fact, any part of a sexual experience should be optional and you should never feel that you have to do it. This is the bases of a healthy relationship.

This 100%

researchers3 · 25/06/2025 00:48

ArtTheClownIsNotAMime · 24/06/2025 21:41

You've made it clear that his constant pressure for you to give him oral makes you uncomfortable. He continues to try to manipulate and pressure you into doing it. This is sexual abuse in a more insidious form.

He is the problem, not you.

Completely agree with this.

He should be 100% accommodating of this, especially given what's happened to you, but tbh any guy hassling a woman for any sexual act is just wrong.

Lubilu02 · 25/06/2025 00:50

I think you need to tell him to stop mentioning it, full stop.

At this point, your own needs are far greater than his. Do not lower your self worth just to please him. If he truly wants you and respects you, then he will wait and get it when YOU are feeling confident. If you can see his mood changing towards you because of it, well I think you have all the answers you need.

Your healing far outweighs his temporary pleasure, don't let anyone else tell you otherwise.

wandawaves · 25/06/2025 00:57

Tell him to get fucked OP.
What an absolute perp. He knows you've been assaulted in this way and have ongoing trauma, but he still asks?? Every day? And TEXTS?? I'm bloody ropeable just reading this.

Dump his arse. Seriously.

SnowFrogJelly · 25/06/2025 00:58

Come on OP you know his behaviour isn’t right

beachcitygirl · 25/06/2025 01:50

i don’t do oral because I don’t like it. No bad memories or triggers and I still wouldn’t accept this behaviour. I really hope you can find happiness with someone much nicer than this creep.

Tiredofthehardstuff · 25/06/2025 02:40

Knowing what I know about throat cancer (bff got it off her cheating DH’s dick) I'm surprised anyone wants to give oral these days.

Shoxfordian · 25/06/2025 05:31

He's abusive as well, just in a more insidious way, you should never feel pressured to do anything you feel uncomfortable with sexually.

chatgptsbestmate · 25/06/2025 05:40

He should NEVER EVER request anything that you have told him that you struggle with

A sign of abuse is someone requesting something they know you don't like doing

Vile man

Elle771 · 25/06/2025 05:42

Deadringer · 24/06/2025 22:26

He knows your situation so he knows he should never ask. He knows that you are aware that he enjoys/wants it, and will do it when you feel comfortable with it. He knows all of this. So he should STOP FUCKING ASKING! Which he also knows, he just doesn't care.

This. He isn't a good guy sorry. I know you cant see it because your ex was SO bad now you feel like this isn't THAT bad... but it's still really bad.

I don't know a single decent or normal man who would behave this way. He's a creep.