Marriage before kids - crossroads

[SapphireAmi]

Hi all,

My partner and I have hit a crossroads. I’d like to marry before kids whereas he wants kids before marriage. I am 36 and he is 41 so time is not really on our side.

Here is our situation:
He has assets and earns £120,000 a year. Naturally he is cautious about that. If it was me, I’d perhaps feel the same. He also doesn’t believe in the system of marriage. His parents had a messy divorce. It’s a compromise that he’ll marry me but wants us to be a unit first with children.

I am on £60,000 a year, and have a doctorate with potential future career prospects. I have no assets but I do have savings. I was brought up with married parents and went to church until I was 10 so have Christian values (not religious now). I want marriage for emotional security and sign of commitment before children.

He works away abroad occasionally (4 days every 1-2 months). I travel 45 mins to work. He works at home for the rest of the time. If we had children, I expect in someways he would be primary caregiver in that he would have to take the kids to school/pick up etc due to the nature of my hours. If children are poorly, he’ll likely be working at home so can have them there too. When he’s away, I’ll be primary caregiver. We both have parents that are retiring soon and they’ll more than willing to help and support.

If things went wrong between us, I’d always have a place at home with my parents (and my children if need be). I am considering also in investing in an asset such as a flat to help my own security. We have also discussed me buying into the house but I don’t really understand that enough what with him owning the land (2.5 acres). I would never be able to afford 50/50 as it’ll be a £1 million worth house, so I wonder if another asset would be better for me. The house will however be mortgage free. I will just share bill paying while having enough spare money to continue to save.

Once the main house is built, he plans on having a lower income and a simpler lifestyle. He doesn’t consume as much as I do - all of his money goes on the house, some travel and food. I will then be the main breadwinner but he’ll have provided for us with a nice mortgage free house.

Any thoughts? I’m trying to get out of my own headspace/traditional values and to see if from his perspective. I’d appreciate hearing any of your thoughts.

He won’t marry you. He’ll trap you with kids then think well she isn’t going to leave now. Stick to your guns. Marriage then kids or split up.

The man has told you he doesn't want to marry you... from experience and learning the hard way, run. There are so many ways he could protect his assets but also love you, marry you and protect you as a mother of his children. He isn't considering any of those options. You are disposable to him, he just want to have children and a maid who will do majority of the work bringing them up.

The reason why he does not want to marry you is not important. You and that man are incompatible and I would leave sooner rather than later. It would not be fair to force him do something he is not comfortable with, just as it is not fair to you to not marry, since this is something you really want.

This is quite true. If a man wants to be with you for the rest of his life—is passionate about you and does not want you to leave him and choose someone else—he will do what it takes to attract and hold you. Even (gasp) offer to share his worldly goods and stay with you “in sickness and in health.”

He loves his money more than you. He wants you to risk your financial future by having a child without the legal support of marriage so he can protect his own financial future. He has shown you who he is...go into this with your eyes wide open. Being a single mum is not an easy path to take.

How long have you been in a relationship with your partner? Have you spoken about marriage previously?

You are absolutely right to give the children your name @SapphireAmi , you can always change if you do marry at a later date. Do not give away your only leverage.

You have the kids - that's the deal done, it doesn't matter whose name they have - you are left as a single parent to struggle on financially whilst he becomes the Disney Dad. Do not do that to yourself; parenting with a partner is hard enough.