No sex because I’m fat.

[cakeintrain]

DH hasn’t actually said that, but I think it’s true.

I'm not even quite sure what I’m looking for from this thread. Probably just to get it off my chest.

I have realised that DH and I have not had sex since we went on holiday at the end of April. We have been going through a rough patch and sex has been an issue. DH said he needed sex to feel emotionally connected to me and I said I needed the emotional connection to have sex. It has been something we had been working on over the last year or so, so I would say sex had been more frequent. Usually instigated by DH.

Over the last 9 months I have put on about 20 lbs. About 10lbs had already crept on in the year before that. I think this has mainly been down to peri, changing birth control and if I’m honest, comfort eating. It’s something I’ve been really struggling with.

This has taken me from a size 10-12 to a 14-16. I’m quite tall though, so I don’t think to look at me it’s majorly obvious but I am definitely bigger and more wobbly.

DH is very much into fitness and cares a lot about his appearance. He hasn’t commented on my weight gain directly but I know he has noticed it. I think this is why he hasn’t instigated sex. I haven’t either, because I sense his rejection and to be frank I’m not feeling very good about my body.

I don’t actually want to talk to him about it. Him confirming he doesn’t find me sexually attractive at this weight is not going to make me feel
any better about it. It’s also not really motivating me to try to lose weight because I feel so resentful that he doesn’t find me attractive no matter what. I know there are reasonable limitations to that, but this feels harsh. I think if I lost the weight and he started wanting to have sex again, I would feel so hurt that he only wants me if I look a certain way. I would resent it. I feel it’s the “if you didn’t want me at my worse, you don’t deserve me at my best” thing. Does any of this make sense? It’s just feeling very lonely at the moment.

Ends up being a bit of a chicken/egg situation.
If the extra weight is bothering you, I would lose it for you anyway.
If you gained in confidence, he might sense that and be more attracted.
It may not be the weight at all, no way of knowing unless you ask, but I understand why you’re hesitant.
My DH never wants sex and I’m the same weight as I was 25 years ago, so who knows 😂

It’s unrealistic to expect him to find you attractive “no matter what”. People are attracted to other people for a multitude of reasons, and if any one of them changes you can’t be surprised if it affects the relationship. And for men more than women physical attraction is generally higher up the list.
Bottom line you need to lose weight. You need to do it for yourself and also for your relationship.
Also it likely the actual reason he may have gone off sex is not because “your fat” but more because of the way you act as a result of low self esteem from feeling fat. If you’re not feeling it he will pick up on that, which will put him off further. It’s a negative feedback loop. Equally if you work to lose weight and feel more confident he should pick up on that it will likely find it attractice.

Hi, I just want to say if you love your husband, your marriage, your life and you want to stay with him please talk to him honestly about all of this and maybe try some counselling.
My husband left me for his coworker after 23 years together purely because of sex, I had to have a stoma and he clearly didn’t find me attractive anymore as stopped instigating sex and he went somewhere else for it. I wish so much I had tackled this but I just buried it and now I am absolutely devastated and my self esteem and body image are destroyed, I am nearly 50 and will never regain that.
I’m not saying your husband will do this, mine is most probably a narcissist, he’s behaved appallingly after leaving me and my discard was probably inevitable, but please talk it through, I wish so much I had.

"DH is very much into fitness and cares a lot about his appearance". This may well be bound up with ideas of self esteem, discipline, responsibility. He now finds himself married to someone who seems to have lost her own self esteem or is using unhealthy ways to cope (comfort eating - to comfort what?).

Address that comfort eating and get back to feeling good about your body (if you're tall and were 10-12 it was probably pretty wonderful, don't you miss that?).

Sending you a hug (I forget the phase that's usually used to do that on here).

I'm in the same position with regards the weight gain and I feel horrible about myself (I'm single though so don't have to deal with that dynamic). I just thought it might be helpful to know that you might be feeling down and disempowered about it even if you didn't have to think about what your DH might be thinking or feeling.

I've battled with my weight throughout my adult life and I know it can be a very toxic issue mentally. So I can't advise on weight loss but I think you might want to think about what you can do to prioritise your wellbeing (physically and mentally) and prioritise yourself; what can you do to take really good care of yourself? If you can do that, you might find the weight loss and the sex life takes care of itself.

My DP has become quite fat and I don't find it attractive. I've told him so. I think it's right to stay in shape for ourselves and our partners.
If my DP wants more sex then he had better cut back on the beers and get down the gym.

I wouldn’t make a big deal about it OP - I would just announce one day - ‘right, I’m on a healthy eating and exercise kick ‘ and remain upbeat and confident- there is no point saying that looks don’t matter because for some people with regards to attraction, they do - I was 4 stone overweight but still went totally off my H sexually ( and we had only been married 6 years at that point) when he gained a few stone and a big beer belly and moobs! I felt humongously guilty admitting to myself I simply didn’t fancy sex with him one bit, especially as I was overweight myself ( which didn’t seem to bother him) but the mind is a weird thing - so if you know that being slim and fit is part of the attraction for him and you value your marriage, then I think you have to tackle it , as it’s part of his make up.

I feel you think your partner owes you sexual attraction no matter what, which is something people don't really have any control of.

I will always always love my husband for who he is as a person, regardless of what happens to his body. But sexual attraction is a different matter, and often not within our control. If his body changed to the extent I was not sexually attracted to him anymore (despite still loving him hugely) what should I do? Force myself to have sex anyway, regardless of the fact that it wasn't enjoyable for me? He wouldn't want that! He would rightfully expect me to continue loving and supporting him, but sex needs to be something both parties want. Our marriage would be fine without sex if that ever became necessary, because we love each other.

It doesn't sound like your husband has been nasty or judgy. And you've said nothing which indicates he has stopped loving and supporting you (unless the rough patch you mentioned is that). So I would just leave it. Choose to lose the weight if you want to do it for yourself, or because you can have more sex again if that matters to you and him.

Yes it wasn't actually weight in my case that made me eventually feel physical repulsed by my H. It was his teeth. And he wouldn't do anything about them even though I offered to pay for his dental work myself.
I couldn't even kiss him.
I feel really ashamed because he was a lovely person. But I couldnt make myself find him attractive.

I agree with pp though that losing weight for yourself, and for your own confidence and happiness is the way to go. And if you do that see how you feel then about your relationship: the ball will be in your court.

I'd add another view that there is no hard evidence that he doesn't want sex because you are 'fat'. He could be stressed, the arguments about sex might have made him want to give you space from initiation, he may be tired, work might be getting to him. Men aren't dicks on legs - they are capable of temporarily losing libido too

Prepared to be shot down in flames, but I think I’d want DH a lot less if he put on 30lbs, sorry.

I'm not sure about the 'no matter what'.

If my DH stopped brushing his teeth for example or taking a shower, I wouldn't want to have sex with him.

I'm not sure about weight really because there would be a massive difference between him gaining a couple of stone, or becoming morbidly obese for example.

I'd still love him with all my heart, but sexual attraction is a different matter.

Thanks for replying.

Re the “no matter what”, I did say I know there are limitations on it and that’s not what I think. Perhaps I didn’t explain it clearly enough. I know there are circumstances where it’s reasonable that attraction may wane. But it’s not like I’ve suddenly stopped washing and I stink to high heaven, or that I’m so obese I’m absolutely unrecognisable and in dire ill health. Im literally just a bit heavier around the middle.

I also think I’m not acting too different. My weight has always fluctuated a bit, although I am now about a stone heavier. I’m also more accepting that my body is changing as I enter peri and I’m being kind to myself about that. Plus, DH instigating sex has always been more about his desire and needs rather than mine. To put it a bit bluntly, even if I was reluctant before for whatever reason, this didn’t stop him trying it on. I think it is about my weight gain. It’s just all feeling a bit conditional at the moment and I can’t help feeling resentful.

@Anotherparkingthread in a happy marriage a dress size or two isn’t noticeable .
Maybe because you are both not 100% in the marriage it may be an issue for you both . It’s seems it is for you .

Loose the weight for yourself op the see how he reacts . If he is that shallow he rejects you for a few pounds then do you want to be with him.

I do understand this. But I had manage to drop some weight about 2 years ago so the 30lb gain includes that. I would usually hover in the 160s lbs but had got down to about 152lbs. I’m now 187lbs so about 20lb heavier than where I used to hover.

Also, my build is such that the gain isn’t as noticeable than it may be on other people. I can go vary by about half a stone to 10lbs within the 160-175ish lb range without it being that noticeable or not fitting in my clothes.

Okay, I understand that you feel you haven't changed very much visually. But maybe it's too much for him. You might have a different limit for your personal sexual attraction to him, and that's fine too. The point is that he probably can't help it.

If it's the case that he doesn't find you sexually attractive at this weight and he can't do anything about that, what do you want to do?

• demand he has sex with you anyway, even if he doesn't want to?
• accept a sexless marriage?
• leave him?
• lose weight?

Choice is yours.

If that's the case, then why have you assumed he doesn't want to have sex with you because you're fat?

im not attracted to fat people at all. I am currently divorcing now but if any future partners or whatever put on a substantial amount of weight due to over indulging I won't be able to sleep with them. It's total personal preference. And it's fair game at that.

if you want to lose weight though, do it for you. Perhaps if you're more confident it might help the issue.

before I get flamed, I'm not saying fat people can't be attractive. I'm saying I'm not attracted to fat people. The same as I'm not attracted to short people, or people with ginger hair.

personal preference doesn't make someone fatphobic like it's thrown around on here all the time.

You keep changing your figures, it’s confusing. I don’t think you’re being honest with yourself. A 35lb gain (187 - 152) is 2.5 stone/15.8kg. You said that you only gained a stone in your previous post:

“My weight has always fluctuated a bit, although I am now about a stone heavier.”

1 stone is 14lbs!

If you don’t feel confident about yourself and you reckon your husband isn’t attracted to you, then it’s a sign that you probably have gained weight in a more visible manner than you’re willing to accept on here.

Plus you gained that much weight in a relatively short time frame - I wouldn’t be surprised if you had stretch marks or changed your body shape because it wasn’t gradual. Normally weight gain is distributed across your body as opposed to one area.

If this is the case I don't understand why you said in your OP

"DH hasn’t actually said that, but I think it’s true."

Why do you think it's true then?

Also if he is into fitness then he has definitely noticed your changing body.

When you’re into fitness, you start noticing little things like muscle definition emerging then becoming more prominent over time…you equally notice the opposite because you’re more finely tuned to these things.

He will still love you even if he didn’t find you attractive. If my partner gained 2 dress sizes I wouldn’t find him attractive. Nothing attractive about being fat. If you want to lose the weight then do it for you and your confidence. It’s your problem and only you can sort it.

It’s also not really motivating me to try to lose weight because I feel so resentful that he doesn’t find me attractive no matter what.
I know there are reasonable limitations to that, but this feels harsh.
I think if I lost the weight and he started wanting to have sex again, I would feel so hurt that he only wants me if I look a certain way. I would resent it. I feel it’s the “if you didn’t want me at my worse, you don’t deserve me at my best” thing. Does any of this make sense?

No, not really. It sounds contradictory.

If he found you sexually attractive at this weight, how would that motivate you?

It’s unrealistic to think people would find each other attractive “no matter what”. Your appearance has significantly changed since the onset of your relationship. You increased your weight by almost a quarter - by 23%. It’s human nature for him to see you differently.

Having said that, you haven’t actually spoke to him about this. So it “feels harsh” to you, is based on an assumption? I don’t think he is actually being harsh cause he seems to be tiptoeing around this. Also you said in your OP that he asked for more sex but you said you need an emotional connection? So I’m not sure how that correlates to “too fat for sex”?

Do you actually want to have sex with your husband? If so, then try to instigate sex and see how he responds. If not, then just carry on as you are. What you can't do is make your husband instigate sex with you if he doesn't want to, wherever his reasons are.

I'm in the same boat. I've gained a similar amount of weight and we're not having sex. Over the 17 years we've been together, I have fluctuated between size 10 and size 16, and DH only wants sex when I'm slimmer. The thing is, he has gone from having a flat tummy to a beer belly, and I still want sex with him! For me, I am just taking it off the table in my mind, I am dieting for me, and if sex comes back that's great. We are older though (mid 50's), so I'm slightly less bothered than I might have been 10 years ago.