No sex because I’m fat.

[cakeintrain]

DH hasn’t actually said that, but I think it’s true.

I'm not even quite sure what I’m looking for from this thread. Probably just to get it off my chest.

I have realised that DH and I have not had sex since we went on holiday at the end of April. We have been going through a rough patch and sex has been an issue. DH said he needed sex to feel emotionally connected to me and I said I needed the emotional connection to have sex. It has been something we had been working on over the last year or so, so I would say sex had been more frequent. Usually instigated by DH.

Over the last 9 months I have put on about 20 lbs. About 10lbs had already crept on in the year before that. I think this has mainly been down to peri, changing birth control and if I’m honest, comfort eating. It’s something I’ve been really struggling with.

This has taken me from a size 10-12 to a 14-16. I’m quite tall though, so I don’t think to look at me it’s majorly obvious but I am definitely bigger and more wobbly.

DH is very much into fitness and cares a lot about his appearance. He hasn’t commented on my weight gain directly but I know he has noticed it. I think this is why he hasn’t instigated sex. I haven’t either, because I sense his rejection and to be frank I’m not feeling very good about my body.

I don’t actually want to talk to him about it. Him confirming he doesn’t find me sexually attractive at this weight is not going to make me feel
any better about it. It’s also not really motivating me to try to lose weight because I feel so resentful that he doesn’t find me attractive no matter what. I know there are reasonable limitations to that, but this feels harsh. I think if I lost the weight and he started wanting to have sex again, I would feel so hurt that he only wants me if I look a certain way. I would resent it. I feel it’s the “if you didn’t want me at my worse, you don’t deserve me at my best” thing. Does any of this make sense? It’s just feeling very lonely at the moment.

You are

I don’t mean you! I mean the people being nasty on here.

Not sure when 14-16 became fat but hey I've always been that before married and after just like my hubby has always been fit and knew what I was like. For us love literally covers everything

@Rayqueen I’m dieting at moment and rather going by scales, I will perfectly happy weight wise when I can get down to a 14 consistently with good bloods , BP and chokestrol and more stamina - at moment am down from an 18 to a 16 with the odd18 ( got big boobs) at 63 I would like to keep my face looking good over and above being very slim .

10st at 5ft 2" and a size 8?

Surely none of those clothes had zips and buttons?

You could be if it’s all muscle I reckon

however I’m 10st and 5’4 and I’m struggling to sit in my size 10’s so suspect I’m an 11!

Oh sorry just seen that’s 10st 6 rather than 10st. Yeah I’m more of a 12 then! I’d need to be 8st 6 to be an 8!

Talk to your husband, not a message board.

So your husband hasn't said he doesn't fancy you? You've decided that he doesn't and are now angry at him, without him ever saying as much.

I think that says more about what's in your head than his. You are projecting that putting weight on is a reason not to fancy someone as much.

You've stressed that you don't think your weight gain is very noticeable, so why do you assume he's put off by it?

Could it be that you are conscious of it, and feel less sexy because of it, and have projected that on to him?

It sounds like there were bigger issues perhaps, beyond your weight, and they may be the reason for the lack os sex. Or maybe he realised he was always the one 'in the mood' and that was off-putting for him. Maybe he didn't enjoy feeling like a pest. Maybe he felt unwanted.

I'm not jumping to defending him. I don't know the full story. But from what you've described I can't see that it's automatically on his fault.

When did you last approach him in a sexy mood?

Yup.. loads .. but had a tummy tuck - which is fab.. and I’m very lucky .. but sex has started again even before that !

@cakeintrain How are you? I think you should talk to your Dh. Just be frank with him. I find it hard to believe the lack of sex is because you've put on 1 stone. It's not that dramatic. I actually think your weight is an issue for you but I doubt it's a huge issue for your DH. Hope you've spoken to him!