No sex because I’m fat.

[cakeintrain]

DH hasn’t actually said that, but I think it’s true.

I'm not even quite sure what I’m looking for from this thread. Probably just to get it off my chest.

I have realised that DH and I have not had sex since we went on holiday at the end of April. We have been going through a rough patch and sex has been an issue. DH said he needed sex to feel emotionally connected to me and I said I needed the emotional connection to have sex. It has been something we had been working on over the last year or so, so I would say sex had been more frequent. Usually instigated by DH.

Over the last 9 months I have put on about 20 lbs. About 10lbs had already crept on in the year before that. I think this has mainly been down to peri, changing birth control and if I’m honest, comfort eating. It’s something I’ve been really struggling with.

This has taken me from a size 10-12 to a 14-16. I’m quite tall though, so I don’t think to look at me it’s majorly obvious but I am definitely bigger and more wobbly.

DH is very much into fitness and cares a lot about his appearance. He hasn’t commented on my weight gain directly but I know he has noticed it. I think this is why he hasn’t instigated sex. I haven’t either, because I sense his rejection and to be frank I’m not feeling very good about my body.

I don’t actually want to talk to him about it. Him confirming he doesn’t find me sexually attractive at this weight is not going to make me feel
any better about it. It’s also not really motivating me to try to lose weight because I feel so resentful that he doesn’t find me attractive no matter what. I know there are reasonable limitations to that, but this feels harsh. I think if I lost the weight and he started wanting to have sex again, I would feel so hurt that he only wants me if I look a certain way. I would resent it. I feel it’s the “if you didn’t want me at my worse, you don’t deserve me at my best” thing. Does any of this make sense? It’s just feeling very lonely at the moment.

It sounds like you don't qant to have sex with him though?

He's instigated mostly. You say you don't feel emotional connection. Why do you think it's your weight when it doesn't sound like you've been very up for it for a while?

This sounds like you're having a really hard time OP, and I understand what you mean about feeling like it's conditional. I was recently in the same situation, and facing a dead bedroom. DH didn't say it was the weight, or make me feel bad, but I knew deep down it was. I've since lost 2 stone, and we've regained physical intimacy again.

I did have to work through being resentful over that, that it was so tied to my weight. But as PP have said, we can't help what we're attracted too and everyone has different preferences. My DH preferred a slimmer version of me. He never made me feel less than, never berated me for my weight gain, and if I was happy with it he was happy for me. He simply didn't want to go out of his way for an active bedroom unless he was attracted. Even now, he won't say it was the weight but the timing adds up perfectly with my health journey.

I'm happier, healthier, and my marriage is thriving, so I'm glad I did make the change.

I think another poster summed it up well - but what do you want out of this? Do you want to stay the same but have his attraction regained? Do you want to make changes and have a happier marriage? Or do you want to go your separate ways? It doesn't sound like you're happy with the current setup.

This this this. And so many women try to separate sex and sexual attraction.

It’s ok and normal to went to be sexually attracted to your partner. I don’t get turned on by DP doing chores. I want him to make an effort visually and flirt with me.

often when people put on weight and are uncomfortable with it. It leaks into their personal presentation and they start dressing drab or wearing smocks and leggings. and walking about in the shadows. Hunching over and generally trying to be unnoticed.

self-confidence is sexy. Well dressed and effort with grooming is sexy. Good smells are sexy.

You haven’t given him a chance or even explained. You’ve assumed the worst and adding that as judgement on both yourself and him.

talk to him about how you are feeling generally maybe you could go walking together and start to build up intimacy via quality time.

I disagree with lots of PP here.

You say you’re quite tall OP - an extra couple of stone doesn’t make an enormous amount of difference.

I’d be devastated if my partner was only attracted to me while I was in absolute peak physical condition. I agree there are limits but a couple of stone should sit comfortably within that. Over a lifetime together there are lots of reasons weight may fluctuate and it’s disheartening to think that if you’re suddenly not in prime condition, then it’s game over.

I don’t find bald men particularly attractive. If my partner lost their hair I wouldn’t suddenly up and leave. The attraction is still there if you look for it,

You say you haven’t talked to him and are just making assumptions. You also say you are missing emotional intimacy.

I wonder if you’re just projecting this onto him as yet further “proof” that he doesn’t really love you for you?

I do agree with PP that you need to lose weight, but it’s because you are clearly unhappy. I think you also need to work on your self-esteem - I would bet good money on the fact you’re still a tall, sexy woman, whether you’re carrying a little extra weight or not!

What I suspect he might find unattractive is you retreating into yourself and distancing yourself further from him - which it sounds like you’re doing, You also say you’re comfortable eating - if he’s into his fitness, he might find this behaviour a bit unattractive too. I know when I’m on a health kick I find it a bit of a turnoff to have my partner constantly suggesting takeaways or chips.

Lose weight for yourself.

Once you’re eating healthily again, talk to him. It might just spark the emotional intimacy you’ve been yearning for, and seeing you take better care of yourself might ignite the spark in him too.

All the best 💐

I’ll get straight to the point - the way you two are going now - you may as well file for divorce now and save yourself the painful further death of your relationship that is slowly edging there….

Your rough patch is not going to get better on it’s own. And peri makes it all harder - so many of my friends ended up blowing up their relationships in peri fog. And when hormones stabilised a bit later - several regretted it.

Your resentment of him leads you to distance yourself from him. Whether or not he stopped initiating sex because of your wait - is actually not clear. It is also possible that he simply gave up on trying to cajole you - after all, anyone would get tired of asking to be wanted… And his giving up is not a good thing - as this is how marriages pass the point of no return.
Man (or woman) give up trying, after endless rejections and continuous resentment. Inevitably a friend, or a friendly colleague comes along…- and that is the best case.

You decided in your head that it is your weight - and you are using it to fuel even more resentment on your end.

How do you think this will end?

It’s all good to keep saying - My spouse owes me For Better or for Worse….
So they should stick with us, no matter what.
But - I believe that nurturing resentment; publishing spouse with sex withdrawal; not doing your but to keep relationship going - and, yes, giving up on trying to look good for the other person (of which weight is as big an issues as hygiene) - can not be ignored.
It’s unrealistic to expect that a marriage will survive if you give up.

You seemingly gave up on it already, Your H is as well. Why not accept it and separate.

If he’s very into fitness- is it something you can do together? It could bring you closer, improve your connection and probably help you back to a weight you feel confident at!

Hi op could he be fed up by always instigating it all the time. Could you just not try and see what happens there is no point being in a relationship if you both avoid it. How will things improve.
its not up to you to decide what you think your dh is feeling or thinking. I would be blunt and say we haven’t had sex for a couple of months is there anything wrong? We did say we would make an effort if he mentions your weight then that a discussion to have. Just talk to him.

If he's into fitness can you have a conversation with him about how you are unhappy with the weight gain and ask him to work with you to help you loose it healthily, working out together or spending time cooking together could be a great bonding experience

This isn’t accusatory but could this be a confidence/ lack of esteem thing or has he actually given you any reason to believe your weight has impacted on your sex life?

I say this as someone who has gained loads of weight. I am noticeably less confident and as a result, I give off “don’t come near me” vibes. Not out of a lack of desire but a lack of confidence. I don’t think I’d realised this within myself until I spoke to DH and he explained how he felt.

This may not apply to you but I think without a proper discussion, you won’t resolve it. You have to be open and honest about what you feel and what you need, and you both have to be ready to hear what the other says.

Thank you all for your comments. I have been reading them all, and to be honest many have made me very sad.

I appreciate that I may be being over sensitive, but what I have taken from many of the comments is this;

1. I am in denial and my weight gain is far more noticeable and off putting than I am prepared to accept, and no wonder DH doesn’t want to have sex with me.
2. It is naive and unreasonable of me to expect my life partner to still find me attractive as the years go on, even if our bodies start to show some of that shared journey. If we don’t still look like we did when we met, then forget it.
3. It’s a lost cause so just divorce.

I can’t say I agree with all the above. I will concede that I may be in a bit of denial about my weight gain. Perhaps it is far more noticeable than I think. But at 5”9, I’m not sure a weight change of 11ish stone (at my absolute lowest, and brief at that) to 13ish stone is enough to kick me out of bed.

And as for 2 and 3, if this was true than surely we would be seeing far higher divorce rates as people move into middle age. We don’t stay as we are indefinitely. In the last 7 years I have been through infertility treatment, pregnancy, post partum, an operation and now perimenopause. My body has changed. So has DH. For all he is into fitness, his body goes through phases when he is a bit softer/heavier and when he is more “cut”. He weighs more now than when we met. We’ve been saying goodbye to his hair for quite a few years now, and his skin shows that he really should have been a bit more careful with sunscreen. But I still fancy him.

There are plenty of couples who age together and still find each other attractive.

I think it’s unfair to tell a woman, whose body will more likely go through more of these phases with weight, to simply lose it if she wants her partner to fancy her. Tell her the only way she can feel confident again is to drop the weight. It’s her lack of confidence that’s putting her husband off. Don’t expect to still be attractive if your body responds to hormones or menopause in a way that is difficult to control. Of course it’s unreasonable to think a woman could feel sexy at a slightly bigger size or perhaps have a partner who makes her feel loved and attractive despite having a few more curves.

I think some of the comments reflect far more on the writer than on me and my situation. But thank you to those who responded kindly.

Sexual attraction is such a complex issue. Hurtful as it is, I don't think we can blame partners for not feeling as attracted to us if we put on a lot of weight. Partly because we don't feel attractive, so we move and dress less confidently, probably shy away a bit if they touch or hug us. Why should they find us attractive if we don't?

I think you need to get fit again for your own sake. Feeling strong and toned is a massive mood booster - especially in peri-menopause. And make an effort to do some fun things with your DH - go on interesting dates together, have a laugh together, have some good conversations about anything other than family and domestic life. Get the buzz back.

Honestly @cakeintrain you sound quite manipulative in the way you have summarised the feedback given. But whatever makes you happy!

There’s nothing more attractive than confidence!!

perhaps it’s not the weight you’ve gained but the confidence you’ve lost that’s putting him off.

try to get yourself back to a position where you felt confident. No one can do it for you.

Good luck 🥰

I agree op. This idea that weight is make or break is so unfathomably shallow to me.

How you can pledge your life, have children with and be married to someone who, if their shape changes physically, you say “soz I can’t love that, I’m off!” - I think it’s slightly different if it’s self care of a hygiene nature or attitude - but none of us are going to stay the same as we age. It’s inevitable that we change.

I’d personally dump him. I could respect someone so lacking in integrity. Let him find a twig to marry if that’s the sum of what he thinks is important in partner.

As many people have pointed out already sexual attraction is complicated and individual. My DH might well still fancy me if I put on 20lb but I know if he did the same and/or had a beer belly I would struggle.

Your comments about menopause, hormones and the "changes" that happen to us as women seem a bit contradictory to your explanation in your OP that you comfort eat. Maybe seeing you do that is more off putting to him than your actual bodily changes given he is in to health?

The bottom line you havent spoken to your partner and he hasnt said he doesnt find you sexually attractive anymore, your just guessing and possibly assuming the worst. As another poster said- why dont you initiate (on a good day when your feeling confident) and see what happens.

I mean…

id love my husband still if he gained weight. But if he put in 20-30lbs? I’m not sure if I’d fancy him. Maybe I’m awful for admitting that but it’s true.

I personally don’t feel very sexy if I’m holding onto too many lbs either.

This. I wouldn't fancy my husband if he had put on lots of weight. I would like him and love him. I would not want to have sex with him.

The brutal truth is that most men are not attracted to fat women. I’m sorry, but in my experience it’s true.

what you'd dump someone because of what you think they are thinking rather than talk to them? Thoughts aren't reliable as they aren't facts.

And to flip it, if getting the marriage back on track only took losing weight you'd not do that for the sake of your marriage?

The issue is that for women, weight is so tied into value (which is a societal thing) that it's hard to have a non emotional discourse about it.

But you said it’s been your DH who usually initiates? Sorry if I got this wrong

Do you want to lose the weight ? Xxxx

This is all so childish OP, you have no idea why sex has gone off the menu - for all you know he thinks you don't want it and he doesn't want to instigate either for fear of rejection.
Someone needs to grow up and start the conversation, just ask him if he misses sex and take it from there.

A friend of mine had a partner into fitness and body building. She got breast cancer, had a mastectomy, and he never had sex with her again, despite her being gorgeous, making all the efforts to attract him, initiate sex etc. He didn't dump her, just treated her like shit, until she eventually left him, so no one could say he dumped the woman who'd had cancer.

She's now had a reconstruction and is very happily married to someone that was previously a friend. Whereas the meat head body builder is still single. Karma innit.