Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

No sex because I’m fat.

87 replies

cakeintrain · 23/06/2025 10:28

DH hasn’t actually said that, but I think it’s true.

I'm not even quite sure what I’m looking for from this thread. Probably just to get it off my chest.

I have realised that DH and I have not had sex since we went on holiday at the end of April. We have been going through a rough patch and sex has been an issue. DH said he needed sex to feel emotionally connected to me and I said I needed the emotional connection to have sex. It has been something we had been working on over the last year or so, so I would say sex had been more frequent. Usually instigated by DH.

Over the last 9 months I have put on about 20 lbs. About 10lbs had already crept on in the year before that. I think this has mainly been down to peri, changing birth control and if I’m honest, comfort eating. It’s something I’ve been really struggling with.

This has taken me from a size 10-12 to a 14-16. I’m quite tall though, so I don’t think to look at me it’s majorly obvious but I am definitely bigger and more wobbly.

DH is very much into fitness and cares a lot about his appearance. He hasn’t commented on my weight gain directly but I know he has noticed it. I think this is why he hasn’t instigated sex. I haven’t either, because I sense his rejection and to be frank I’m not feeling very good about my body.

I don’t actually want to talk to him about it. Him confirming he doesn’t find me sexually attractive at this weight is not going to make me feel
any better about it. It’s also not really motivating me to try to lose weight because I feel so resentful that he doesn’t find me attractive no matter what. I know there are reasonable limitations to that, but this feels harsh. I think if I lost the weight and he started wanting to have sex again, I would feel so hurt that he only wants me if I look a certain way. I would resent it. I feel it’s the “if you didn’t want me at my worse, you don’t deserve me at my best” thing. Does any of this make sense? It’s just feeling very lonely at the moment.

OP posts:
Slimagain · 30/06/2025 19:03

Sexual attraction is primal. People fancy people for pretty basic reasons. Some men want thin women , curvy women, super obese women.. and vice versa for why women fancy racing snakes and huge beer bellies.. it is really basic.

If your DH fancied and married a 10/12 then he is sexually attracted to a slimmer woman . You can’t change that !! .. I KNOW this as was an 8/10 who became a 18/20… he literally couldn’t get it up as I was no longer sexually attractive.. (he was still loving and kind because he LOVES me in spirit and soul ..

Then I discovered Mountjaro and lost 8!stone. Best thing I ever did . Now he is still kind and loving but also can’t put me down .. at 63 I am having the best sex of my life … child free now they have all buggered off 😂.. and we are free to have a no holds barred amazing sex life.. go for it OP !!

Tidekiln · 30/06/2025 19:14

Slimagain · 30/06/2025 19:03

Sexual attraction is primal. People fancy people for pretty basic reasons. Some men want thin women , curvy women, super obese women.. and vice versa for why women fancy racing snakes and huge beer bellies.. it is really basic.

If your DH fancied and married a 10/12 then he is sexually attracted to a slimmer woman . You can’t change that !! .. I KNOW this as was an 8/10 who became a 18/20… he literally couldn’t get it up as I was no longer sexually attractive.. (he was still loving and kind because he LOVES me in spirit and soul ..

Then I discovered Mountjaro and lost 8!stone. Best thing I ever did . Now he is still kind and loving but also can’t put me down .. at 63 I am having the best sex of my life … child free now they have all buggered off 😂.. and we are free to have a no holds barred amazing sex life.. go for it OP !!

Dont mean this rudely- did you have lots of excess skin after losing 8 stone?

chatgptsbestmate · 30/06/2025 19:26

Over the last 9 months I have put on about 20 lbs. About 10lbs had already crept on in the year before that.
This has taken me from a size 10-12 to a 14-16

So in the last couple of years you've put on an extra 2 stone + and gone from a 10 ish to a 16 ish?

That's a big increase. Your husband appreciates fitness therefore he might find your extra weight and lack of confidence unattractive

I dont think he's unreasonable to feel that way

What do you want to do about your increased weight and lack of confidence?

SilviaSnuffleBum · 30/06/2025 19:29

Hi, OP.
I really feel for you, love, but I think you do need to speak to your husband about this. Otherwise, you'll carry on tying yourself up in knots.
💚

wrongthinker · 30/06/2025 19:35

cakeintrain · 30/06/2025 14:41

Thank you all for your comments. I have been reading them all, and to be honest many have made me very sad.

I appreciate that I may be being over sensitive, but what I have taken from many of the comments is this;

  1. I am in denial and my weight gain is far more noticeable and off putting than I am prepared to accept, and no wonder DH doesn’t want to have sex with me.
  2. It is naive and unreasonable of me to expect my life partner to still find me attractive as the years go on, even if our bodies start to show some of that shared journey. If we don’t still look like we did when we met, then forget it.
  3. It’s a lost cause so just divorce.

I can’t say I agree with all the above. I will concede that I may be in a bit of denial about my weight gain. Perhaps it is far more noticeable than I think. But at 5”9, I’m not sure a weight change of 11ish stone (at my absolute lowest, and brief at that) to 13ish stone is enough to kick me out of bed.

And as for 2 and 3, if this was true than surely we would be seeing far higher divorce rates as people move into middle age. We don’t stay as we are indefinitely. In the last 7 years I have been through infertility treatment, pregnancy, post partum, an operation and now perimenopause. My body has changed. So has DH. For all he is into fitness, his body goes through phases when he is a bit softer/heavier and when he is more “cut”. He weighs more now than when we met. We’ve been saying goodbye to his hair for quite a few years now, and his skin shows that he really should have been a bit more careful with sunscreen. But I still fancy him.

There are plenty of couples who age together and still find each other attractive.

I think it’s unfair to tell a woman, whose body will more likely go through more of these phases with weight, to simply lose it if she wants her partner to fancy her. Tell her the only way she can feel confident again is to drop the weight. It’s her lack of confidence that’s putting her husband off. Don’t expect to still be attractive if your body responds to hormones or menopause in a way that is difficult to control. Of course it’s unreasonable to think a woman could feel sexy at a slightly bigger size or perhaps have a partner who makes her feel loved and attractive despite having a few more curves.

I think some of the comments reflect far more on the writer than on me and my situation. But thank you to those who responded kindly.

MN is full of fat phobia, OP. People surviving on 800 calories a day and telling you that a BMI of 24 is horrifying. Fuck all that shite.

Your husband may not be attracted to you anymore- for whatever reason. Are you attracted to him? Sounds like he has gone from pestering you/sexually harassing you to ignoring you. He hasn't tried to emotionally connect with you, which is what you asked for.

Without emotional connection, is your marriage really worth trying to save?

hehehesorry · 30/06/2025 19:42

I don't like fat people in general but I'd still want to have sex with my partner if he put on 30lbs and we're both in good shape. You've been pregnant and now peri so 30lbs is nothing, you should find a podcast or youtube video type you like watching, then start doing 15 mins of bodyweight exercises/resistance band exercises and see how you enjoy it and once you're in good shape again get your husband to go to Turkey for a hair transplant since age has made him go bald.

AnonAnonmystery · 30/06/2025 19:53

To be honest @cakeintrain my partner has put on a few stone since we got together 5 years ago. I still find him attractive and still want to have a lot of sex with him.

However weight is quite a subjective thing. Many opinions on here.

I would say this, you know your husband so if you think he doesn’t find you attractive anymore, you need to trust your intuition and decide how you proceed.

I wish you well x

JackieWilsonsaiditstimeforbedlittleone · 30/06/2025 19:57

You don’t know that it’s your weight.

Maybe he got fed up of instigating?
Maybe he’s got stuff going on?

Talk to him! If you can’t communicate with him then it’s probably over anyway.

chatgptsbestmate · 30/06/2025 20:05

At at 5”9, I’m not sure a weight change of 11ish stone (at my absolute lowest, and brief at that) to 13ish stone is enough to kick me out of bed

Well , that's excellent news. If you're pretty sure it's NOT weight related, ask him what the issue is. Or you instigate sex a bit more often and see what happens and then speak to him about his reactions, if they're not favourable.

Or consider that you might be in denial. And choose to get fitter for you.

I'm not sure, though, how at 11 stone and 5 ft 9" you were a size 10. I'm 5 ft 9 " and I weigh 10 stone 6 and I'm not a size 10. Haven't been a 10 since I weighed 9 stone 7 , years ago !!

Fitasafiddle1 · 30/06/2025 20:17

Op I would leave. I would not be happy at all - and this will ruin your self confidence and self esteem. Being sexy is not linked to weight, look at Nigella. Her weight goes up and down.

Some proper conversations need to take place. Ultimately you can and should leave if he can’t be a proper partner to you.

Hellohelga · 30/06/2025 20:24

You had problems in your relationship and the sex dwindled before your weight gain. So the reason may not be your weight. It could be that your DH feels you don’t want sex with him any more and the attraction has gone for both of you. You don’t even seem to communicate effectively. Gently OP, if he was initiating before but not now are you sure he’s not having an affair? Even if he’s not I’d say he’s checked out of the relationship. Urgent action is needed if you still want this marriage.

SpidersAreShitheads · 30/06/2025 20:26

chatgptsbestmate · 30/06/2025 20:05

At at 5”9, I’m not sure a weight change of 11ish stone (at my absolute lowest, and brief at that) to 13ish stone is enough to kick me out of bed

Well , that's excellent news. If you're pretty sure it's NOT weight related, ask him what the issue is. Or you instigate sex a bit more often and see what happens and then speak to him about his reactions, if they're not favourable.

Or consider that you might be in denial. And choose to get fitter for you.

I'm not sure, though, how at 11 stone and 5 ft 9" you were a size 10. I'm 5 ft 9 " and I weigh 10 stone 6 and I'm not a size 10. Haven't been a 10 since I weighed 9 stone 7 , years ago !!

Body shape and types are very different though.

I’m a similar height and at 11 stone I’m a very small size 10 - can fit a hand comfortably down the front of size 10 trousers. But I am top heavy so undoubtedly a chunk of weight in my chest area.

When I weighed 9 stone, I was taken to the GP by my mum as they thought I had an eating disorder. I was horrendously thin.

Mischance · 30/06/2025 20:43

14-16 is NORMAL for a tall woman. If you were morbidly obese and he needed a map reference to find the relevant orifice then by all means be concerned and seek some help - for your own sake.

But you should be proud of your body. Don't let him put you down.

chatgptsbestmate · 30/06/2025 20:45

SpidersAreShitheads · 30/06/2025 20:26

Body shape and types are very different though.

I’m a similar height and at 11 stone I’m a very small size 10 - can fit a hand comfortably down the front of size 10 trousers. But I am top heavy so undoubtedly a chunk of weight in my chest area.

When I weighed 9 stone, I was taken to the GP by my mum as they thought I had an eating disorder. I was horrendously thin.

Show quote history

Wow! My apologies to the OP. I couldn't imagine being a size 10 and weighing 11 stone
I guess body shape differences explain it 👍

Slimagain · 30/06/2025 20:53

@Tidekiln yes loads around the bellie but as I am half Thai and speak the language.. I went to Phuket and had a tummy tuck for £2200… best decision I have ever made . It has completely invigorated my 34 year marriage and he was with me all the way through recovery despite not wanting me to put myself through that .. but I wanted to do it for me. - as couldn’t really enjoy my weight loss with excess skin .. (strangely, DH was sexually attracted again before the OP ) .. .. but I do need to emphasise.. he was NEVER unkind , never pressured me into weight loss or a tummy tuck .. I did those things for ME because I knew it would improve my confidence.. and as DH has always said .. the sexist thing about a woman is CONFIDENCE…

2025meme · 01/07/2025 01:29

657904I · 23/06/2025 12:58

You keep changing your figures, it’s confusing. I don’t think you’re being honest with yourself. A 35lb gain (187 - 152) is 2.5 stone/15.8kg. You said that you only gained a stone in your previous post:

“My weight has always fluctuated a bit, although I am now about a stone heavier.”

1 stone is 14lbs!

If you don’t feel confident about yourself and you reckon your husband isn’t attracted to you, then it’s a sign that you probably have gained weight in a more visible manner than you’re willing to accept on here.

Plus you gained that much weight in a relatively short time frame - I wouldn’t be surprised if you had stretch marks or changed your body shape because it wasn’t gradual. Normally weight gain is distributed across your body as opposed to one area.

Show quote history

hat a horrible reply what wrong with you

2025meme · 01/07/2025 01:30

chatgptsbestmate · 30/06/2025 20:45

Wow! My apologies to the OP. I couldn't imagine being a size 10 and weighing 11 stone
I guess body shape differences explain it 👍

Show quote history

I was a size 8 and 146lbs at 5ft 2 as I ran and was very active

OneGiddyRubyViewer · 01/07/2025 01:30

He probably thinks you don’t want to. I’m over 20st (seeing an diatician and on mj before anyone says anything) and my partner is in shape with a six pack. ive had a few partners, only one of them was overweight too. I think you should talk to him. Presumably he thinks you don’t want to.

people in this thread saying guys don’t like fat chicks is wildly unhelpful to OP. And not all slimmer guys who see heavy girls have some sort of fat fetish.

OneGiddyRubyViewer · 01/07/2025 01:32

I think people who don’t fancy their overweight partners need to be honest though, I would be asking him if it was weight had had put him off. If he said yes, id be contemplating ending the relationship.

2025meme · 01/07/2025 01:32

Saddened and shocked by the replies on here how women can be nasty about putting on weight no one will fancy you sexually

women struggle with their weight for any reasons it’s not about pigging out it can be multiple things

OneGiddyRubyViewer · 01/07/2025 01:34

657904I · 23/06/2025 13:01

Also if he is into fitness then he has definitely noticed your changing body.

When you’re into fitness, you start noticing little things like muscle definition emerging then becoming more prominent over time…you equally notice the opposite because you’re more finely tuned to these things.

Not everyone into fitness concentrates on other people’s bodies all the time, I think this might be a you thing

OneGiddyRubyViewer · 01/07/2025 01:35

After reading the full thread, OP is certainly not drastically overweight and I think the not wanting sex thing is probably for another reason.

OneGiddyRubyViewer · 01/07/2025 01:37

hehehesorry · 30/06/2025 19:42

I don't like fat people in general but I'd still want to have sex with my partner if he put on 30lbs and we're both in good shape. You've been pregnant and now peri so 30lbs is nothing, you should find a podcast or youtube video type you like watching, then start doing 15 mins of bodyweight exercises/resistance band exercises and see how you enjoy it and once you're in good shape again get your husband to go to Turkey for a hair transplant since age has made him go bald.

“I don’t like fat people in general”

wtf is wrong with people on this thread

OneGiddyRubyViewer · 01/07/2025 01:39

Slimagain · 30/06/2025 19:03

Sexual attraction is primal. People fancy people for pretty basic reasons. Some men want thin women , curvy women, super obese women.. and vice versa for why women fancy racing snakes and huge beer bellies.. it is really basic.

If your DH fancied and married a 10/12 then he is sexually attracted to a slimmer woman . You can’t change that !! .. I KNOW this as was an 8/10 who became a 18/20… he literally couldn’t get it up as I was no longer sexually attractive.. (he was still loving and kind because he LOVES me in spirit and soul ..

Then I discovered Mountjaro and lost 8!stone. Best thing I ever did . Now he is still kind and loving but also can’t put me down .. at 63 I am having the best sex of my life … child free now they have all buggered off 😂.. and we are free to have a no holds barred amazing sex life.. go for it OP !!

Can’t you like more than one type? I have been with thinner and heavier guys

2025meme · 01/07/2025 01:43

OneGiddyRubyViewer · 01/07/2025 01:37

“I don’t like fat people in general”

wtf is wrong with people on this thread

Show quote history

Disgusting this thread is tbh many members in here are awful people