Am I ‘horrible’

[user1463599631]

Hi, so a bit of back story I work full time, my boyfriend stays at my house 4 nights a week (I don’t want to live with another man full time ever again) I have 3 children. He contributes £200 a month for them 4 nights a week this isn’t including food although I do get the odd dinner in, he sometimes gets dinner stuff in for us but mainly we eat separate food as I eat in a calorie deficit so he buys his own dinner stuff most of the time. My household bills (gas, electric, rent, council tax, water etc) come to around £1600 that’s not including other expenses like car, food shops etc.. anyway now to our argument earlier seems petty but it’s got me thinking am I horrible?

tonight I heard him going through the freezer so I asked him what he’s doing he said he’s getting an ice cream (he helped himself to an ice cream the previous 2 nights to) I said ‘please don’t have another ice cream as I have no money until payday to buy more and I have brought enough to cover my 3 children’s dessert until payday’ I’ve literally planned the food shop down to a T to cover each day/night of food for the kids until payday. He starts getting annoyed said ‘I’m being horrible and it’s a dig at him and kept going on and on and he can’t even have any dessert’

was I being horrible/petty????
I didn’t say this to him, but he’s a grown adult with his own money he was just at the shop buying himself beers so he could of brought himself dessert. I am literally skint for another 4 days and not much in apart from the kids breakfast, lunch, dinner and desserts x 4.

thanks for reading, I’m hoping I get some replies 😊

So he pays 12.50 per night to sleep over?

No you weren't being "horrible". You were being a good mother and thinking about the welfare and needs of your children.

If he can't see that and understand how expensive raising a family of 3 is then he isnt very perceptive.

Does he have his good points OP because being a caring person doesnt seem to be one of them?

I’ve never actually worked it out but yes £12.50. 1 night in the week and Friday, Saturday & Sunday. The other nights he stays at his aunties house and pays her £300 a month.

i don’t think he has any clue about bills or running a house tbh. He’s always rented a room from family he stays at his aunties the other 3 nights a week and pays £300. He’s also got 3 children but sees them twice a month (every other weekend). He always says to me about all his outgoings and I don’t understand 🙄

I’d out a stop to that arrangement. You’re not being horrible, you’re being responsible and practical.

If you break it down over the course of a year he is paying aprx £11.56 a night (4 x 52 weeks /12 =17.3 nights per calendar month. Then £200/17.3).

I'd bet what he costs in utilities is more than that and so he is actually diverting your funds away from your kids to him.

He has said you're petty to make you second guess yourself and try and embarrass you into shutting up.

Only a cheeky fucker paying the paltry amount he is giving you would have the audacity to say you're being petty. You're not. He is knowingly taking advantage of you.

Also agree with this.

So you don't want to live with another man again, perfectly understandable, but having your bf stay over 4 days a week is way too much, once a fortnight would be much better as long as he brings food and cooks you all a meal. A man staying that often would seriously get on me tits, do your kids mind him staying over. And also he's a cheeky fucker, helping himself to your kids ice creams. A decent man would be mortified once he realised he'd deprived your kids of dessert and would go out and buy more as well as a full food shop for you in way of apology.

He is living with you! He doesn’t have his own place. And now he’s eating your kids food…

that definitely wouldn’t work for me!!!

Why doesn't he take the £200 a month he's paying you and the £300 he's paying his aunt and use the money to get his own place? Maybe once he realises that £500 won't go anywhere he'll be a bit more appreciative of money and your situation.

Why is he paying you less when he is at your place more than his aunt's? I wouldn't want a man staying over that much, especially when he's not covering the costs.

He sounds like a completely useless man child. Lives with his auntie half the week and in your house the other half?

So many red flags. Remember the MN phrase than no man falls in love quicker than one who finds a woman with a home.

He’s a bloody ice cream stealing cuckoo.

How does he care for his children while renting a room in someone’s house?

What exactly is the appeal in this man?

Since he doesn't have a home of his own, he is living with you over 50% of the time so he should be contributing a lot more than £200 a month.

Four nights a week is a lot and practically living with each other surely.

He doesn’t! He ‘sees’ them every other weekend. No appeal at all.

Please stop putting up with this. He is awful. Who berates a mother for putting her children’s needs first? Over an ice cream? He should buy his own bloody food, as the other poster said he is getting food and board for £12.50 a day- he is a cf.

This is getting very different responses to the same thread a week or so ago, when it was almost unanimous that a person staying over for the convenience of the op, but also paying elsewhere, shouldn’t be paying a penny….

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5359224-would-you-expect-a-contribution-in-this-situation?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

That boyfriend has his own house. He's not living with the girlfriend 60% of the time.

Exactly what @FortyElephants said. That boyfriend is an independent adult. This boyfriend is flitting between two landladies paying peanuts.

Yes, there was that difference, BUT for me the fact that the op is the one making the decision he isn’t allowed to live there permanently (which I agree with as it’s infinitely nicer!) is relevant.

The OP is within her rights to have her boyfriend live with her 60% of the time but she needs to take a proportional financial contribution.
A man with his own house should be doing his laundry at his house, storing his belongings etc and when he visits his girlfriend it's genuinely a visit. This man is literally living there and should be contributing accordingly.

This man doesn't sound right lovely. You can do better than this X

Please leave him. He appears to be a man-child who is doing his best to avoid any adult responsibilities. If he wants ice cream he should buy his own as his contribution isn't enough to afford any luxuries in your home.

Have you had a discussion with him to say he needs to be paying more and buying more food as what he is contributing isn’t enough, it’s putting you out of pocket and you can’t afford that. If he kicks off then say he will have to reduce the amount of time at yours significantly as you really can’t risk not being able to feed your kids to accommodate him

Raise your standards!