Am I ‘horrible’

[user1463599631]

Hi, so a bit of back story I work full time, my boyfriend stays at my house 4 nights a week (I don’t want to live with another man full time ever again) I have 3 children. He contributes £200 a month for them 4 nights a week this isn’t including food although I do get the odd dinner in, he sometimes gets dinner stuff in for us but mainly we eat separate food as I eat in a calorie deficit so he buys his own dinner stuff most of the time. My household bills (gas, electric, rent, council tax, water etc) come to around £1600 that’s not including other expenses like car, food shops etc.. anyway now to our argument earlier seems petty but it’s got me thinking am I horrible?

tonight I heard him going through the freezer so I asked him what he’s doing he said he’s getting an ice cream (he helped himself to an ice cream the previous 2 nights to) I said ‘please don’t have another ice cream as I have no money until payday to buy more and I have brought enough to cover my 3 children’s dessert until payday’ I’ve literally planned the food shop down to a T to cover each day/night of food for the kids until payday. He starts getting annoyed said ‘I’m being horrible and it’s a dig at him and kept going on and on and he can’t even have any dessert’

was I being horrible/petty????
I didn’t say this to him, but he’s a grown adult with his own money he was just at the shop buying himself beers so he could of brought himself dessert. I am literally skint for another 4 days and not much in apart from the kids breakfast, lunch, dinner and desserts x 4.

thanks for reading, I’m hoping I get some replies 😊

Hearing OPs updates it’s more his kids I feel sorry for. Really couldn’t imagine being with a man who barely sees his kids but spends most of the week with his girlfriends kids.

Yes you can say this, lots of other families are in the same situation my ex for example he lives an hour and a half away and sees our children every other weekend.

My bf lives 2 hours away from his children as the mother moved away with them, he works full time mon-fri and every other Saturday morning, his ex also likes having her 2 weekends with the children so that’s what they have agreed between eachother. what is he supposed to do ignore my children because of the set up with his own?

Classic !

Only 2 hours away and he only sees them once every two weeks? I see my friends who live 2 hours away every other week.

EOW because of being 1.5 hours away is even worse. That was the length of my commute to work at one point.

It’s sad that it’s become so normalised in a lot of circles for the non-custodial parent (usually a father) to see their children so infrequently. Even if the mother supposedly supports that level of contact - it’s not great for the children in terms of fostering a close relationship with their father.

I’ve offered my ex to see them more if he wanted to or have them some days in the holidays but he’s never taken me up on the offer! Although I don’t mind as I love my children with me and they don’t seem to bothered by only seeing their dad twice a month I’ve dropped it into conversation a few times to check in with them about it. Like I said it’s a very common set up with split families I suppose my ex has had that set up for 9 years it’s not a shock to hear about these arrangements.

Any man who stays half the week with a mother of three children and pays her a pittance for the privelege, and then goes on and on and on at her for requesting he doesn't eat one of her children's ice creams when she's living from paycheck to paycheck, is one to be avoided OP. No matter how many haircuts he takes them for.

You say you are prioritizing your children, but I’m guessing you have never worked out how much this boyfriend is actually costing you by contributing only a paltry sum towards the cost of his 4-days a week stays.

This money could benefit your children. It could be invested in junior ISAs to help fund their university costs, or towards a house deposit when they are adults.

No you’re definitely not horrible.

I am going to speak with him about all this and may even show him this thread and speak about his contribution etc.. obviously I needed a little talking to regarding his contribution so will definitely be asking for a bigger contribution but still won’t be doing his laundry or dinners etc won’t do that for a man. Thank you

What’s the saying…….”nobody falls in love more quickly than a skint/tight/selfish* man in need of a roof over his head”…

(* delete as appropriate)

I earn a decent wage and already have those in place for my children, I don’t usually struggle for money but like I said in a previous comment I had to pay the deposit for my Greek holiday I am taking the kids on (no boyfriend) and it’s left me short for 4 days until payday.

I wonder if he’s allowed to have ice cream at his Auntie’s house. This is the sort of thing I bollock my
9 year for. He’s living like a child.

I don’t think you’re being horrible at all. But imagine being such a loser you get told off for helping yourself to an ice-cream. Why doesn’t he man up and get his own place rather than hopping from Auntie Joan to his girlfriends? Well I know the answer to that….he can’t afford it so hops round like child on sleepovers.

We’ve been together for years and he hasn’t always stayed 4 nights a week. I didn’t introduce him to my children until a year in. He’s been staying 4 nights for about a year now.

He earns £1900 take home. He pays £400 maintenance and £500 for his lodgings, leaving £1000 to spend on ... oh, yes, himself. You can see where his priorities lie, OP.

Why doesn’t he rent somewhere in a cheaper area rather than ponce off his aunt and girlfriend? Is it cheaper to rent in the area that his ex lives with his DC?

You either need to ask for a bigger contribution from him towards household costs or have him to stay over a lot less.

And yet he would rather steal her kids ice cream than offer to buy more ice cream for everyone when she has no money. Charmer

£1600 + £600 to cover food

Is 2200pm

divided by 5 people is £440 per person per month.
Divide that by 4 brings a weekly total of £110pppw
Divide that by 7days is £15. 71per day. X4 nights he is staying is £62 per week including food so his contribution shouild really be closed to £250/£300 per month.

As he is only your boyfriend he should be staying with you less than 50% of the time to not be living with you.

Having said all that, he should be considerate to you and your children's needs as he isn't a partner, just a boyfriend.

I say cut him down to once a week stay over max or just dump him because this is too much hard work.

Do not show him this thread op. It will go down like a cup of cold sick.

Thank you for your helpful reply 😊 he isn’t living with me full time I don’t receive any benefits so can have him stay whenever it’s not a problem 4 nights a week sometimes he ends up on the sofa as my youngest likes to sleep with me the odd night. Your working out really helps with a rough budget to ask for, than you 😊

I was paying £11.40 a night to stay in a room above a dodgy pub in 1998 and he is bitching at you for being petty regarding him eating your children's ice-cream? You are funding his accommodation and he is literally trying to take food away from your children and making you feel guilty about it. You are not the one being horrible here.

So he's doing quite well!!I really do not think your being horrible but he's acting like a spoilt child... why do you think it's you? to even think it's OK to take the kids food? to just be helping himself and now he's trying to make you feel like it's you that has a problem? Does he know how much it costs just to live in a dodgy bedsit with no food.. he's got it made.. selfish thoughtless mean greedy pig. Your a kind hearted softy and your absolutely not horrible. 💐

As you’ve found out OP, there’s some nasty posters on Mumsnet. Men without their own home is one of the things they love to jump on. It makes sense to me he rents a room with his auntie when she has the space for his kids to stay, and a rental needing 2-3 rooms would probably cost him his entire wage. Just have a chat with him, and say that £50 a week doesn’t go far, and if he wants things like ice cream, then he needs to go and get his own. I’d up his contribution to £300 a month too as just his food for 4 days will cost most of that £50, not to mention the extra costs you’re incurring.

Absolutely not fussy for not finding this attractive.

I couldn’t ever be with a man like this who sees his children so little and doesn’t even have his own place. It would be a major turn off.
OP you really can do so much better than this. Being single is a better option than this.

The OP has a house which, if she’s not in receipt of a very good wage from paid employment will be subsidised by benefits because she has DCs. Same for the boyfriend’s ex girlfriend with whom he has 3 kids.

This boyfriend unless he has a very well paid job is unlikely to be able to afford a private rent on a house or a mortgage because he’s single and likely receives no state assistance.

We have created a society where women have DCs in transient relationships and then are supported by the Govt so men have become superfluous to requirements. The OP is unlikely to find a nan who is willing or able to take over financial care of someone else’s kids so any man who moves in will by definition be a cock lodger. This is how it is. So for all those saying kick him out, what other choice is there if the OP wants sex/male companionship?

But saying that, he should bring his own ice creams. Presumably it was discussed what this £200 would include?

Sounds like you've already come to this conclusion but yes definitely ask him for more! I think you wouldn't have begrudge him the ice cream if you felt he was contributing his fair share.
I wouldn't show him this thread though.