Am I ‘horrible’

[user1463599631]

Hi, so a bit of back story I work full time, my boyfriend stays at my house 4 nights a week (I don’t want to live with another man full time ever again) I have 3 children. He contributes £200 a month for them 4 nights a week this isn’t including food although I do get the odd dinner in, he sometimes gets dinner stuff in for us but mainly we eat separate food as I eat in a calorie deficit so he buys his own dinner stuff most of the time. My household bills (gas, electric, rent, council tax, water etc) come to around £1600 that’s not including other expenses like car, food shops etc.. anyway now to our argument earlier seems petty but it’s got me thinking am I horrible?

tonight I heard him going through the freezer so I asked him what he’s doing he said he’s getting an ice cream (he helped himself to an ice cream the previous 2 nights to) I said ‘please don’t have another ice cream as I have no money until payday to buy more and I have brought enough to cover my 3 children’s dessert until payday’ I’ve literally planned the food shop down to a T to cover each day/night of food for the kids until payday. He starts getting annoyed said ‘I’m being horrible and it’s a dig at him and kept going on and on and he can’t even have any dessert’

was I being horrible/petty????
I didn’t say this to him, but he’s a grown adult with his own money he was just at the shop buying himself beers so he could of brought himself dessert. I am literally skint for another 4 days and not much in apart from the kids breakfast, lunch, dinner and desserts x 4.

thanks for reading, I’m hoping I get some replies 😊

He's sponging off two women, at least one of them has (his?) children to prioritise, and he's paying £600 a month to put a roof over his head, with zero responsibilites. What a grotty man.

Get rid.

Can we not have a go at women who tolerate men like this.

It's perfectly clear that many women grown up not understanding healthy relationships - not their fault - yet are desperate to create the happy home they didn't have.

That was me, I've since healed and now got my head screwed on.

Yes, we can help educate and support them to leave the relationship. But I hate the "you're prioritising dick over kids" atitude. It's a brutal stance to take towards unhappy women.

If a man's taking advantage, it's on him.

So basically we have a man contributing absolute the bare minimum, eating food meant for your kids then getting defensive and calling you horrible when he’s called out, and yet he’s still managing to guilt-trip someone who’s bending over backwards to manage everything... Whilst he contributes absolutely nothing.

Please dump this man he’s taking the absolute piss.

Ah, I think you've found yourself a lesser walleted cocklodger...

Please read this quote OP. It would be easy to be sucked into thinking you owe him something because he pays a minimal contribution that will barely cover the cost of additional hot water, electricity etc (I assume his laundry gets done at yours at least half of the time). Even if he covered a decent share, that does not entitle him to the food you bought and planned for your children.

He either pays like a commercial lodger, or he behaves like a member of the household. Currently he's doing neither.

I do agree some comments regarding this can be harsh… But at the same time women aren’t helpless, and they do have personal agency and have to take some responsibility. Nothing is going to improve until they become single and do the inner work we have all had to do. It is absolutely on the men taking the piss, but women do have to stop enabling them if anything is to change.

Why has he no home of his own? Seems like he relies on women to cover that for him. If you were so horrible, he wouldn't be able to have that strategy and would have to grow up and house himself and his kids and - shock - host his girlfriend from time to time!

He is a tight arse, selfish, and a user

DH and I had different food shops as different calorie goals and also my children are not his etc and this has always been the way.
despite us sharing money in most things, he would not dream of doing this, he asks if he can borrow and egg or bread (he knows it will be a yes)

it’s about consideration and you probably got that reaction as he was called out for shit behaviour and wanted to deflect

Exactly. He sees OP’s kids more than his own.

Why on earth would you find a man like that attractive enough to put up with?

Agreed, mothers and fathers both have a responsibility to their kids and it should be called out when they don’t prioritise this.

And yes I’d say the same if a man who had main custody of his kids was letting a woman do this.

My aunt made a mistake with my cousins Dad the man she married. He wasn’t a good man.

When they broke up she was like no way am I putting my kids through any more crap, so AFAIK she stayed single or at least if she did have any men they weren’t staying over at her home/being cocklodgers etc

Wow he has it made. Leeching off two women, I’m betting having cooking and laundry thrown in all for the princely sum of £500 a month? Can I be your boyfriend? Wake up OP.

Agreed.

Sadly for some women any man is better than being single.

Agreed. And between this pair there are 6 kids having to live with these as relationship role models. It’s depressing.

😂

How are you actually attracted to a man who doesn't bother parenting his three kids... 2 weekends a month is pathetic.

Wow there is some nasty judgmental people on this site. Nice everyone else seems to be so perfect!.. anyway in no way do I prioritise him over my 3 children I’m not sure how you’ve all come to that conclusion from an ice cream? I’m skint 4 days before payday due to having to pay the deposit for a holiday to Greece for me and the 3 children (boyfriend isn’t coming) I do not do his cooking or his laundry. Also he sees his children twice a month as his ex lives 2 hours away, my children’s dad also see’s them every other weekend it is quite a common arrangement.

Thank you to the few helpful comments I will be speaking with him regarding the £200. Still stunned by the nastiness from other women on this site as if I prioritise him over my 3 children that’s a ridiculous assumption to make over an ice cream and £200.

You said yourself, he's a grown adult with his own money, yet

I’ve literally planned the food shop down to a T to cover each day/night of food for the kids until payday. He starts getting annoyed said ‘I’m being horrible and it’s a dig at him and kept going on and on

No doubt he's got his own money, he's grifting off you and his Auntie. What is he contributing to your children's life? To yours?

I don't think that anyone is being nasty or judgemental to say that you've got yourself a waste of space there.

What does he pay for his children?

The vast majority of posts are slagging him off not you and are angry that he's taking the piss out of you (and your DC, and his auntie, and probably his ex and DC and everyone else having to support his manchild lifestyle). Glad you're gonna talk to him and get a fairer set-up. If he reacts in any way other than 'you're right, how much more do you want?' with zero aggro, then you know what to do with him.

i’m not referring to that I’m referring to the comments saying ‘I’m prioritising him over my children’ my children always come first, always! Other comments ‘desperate to have a boyfriend’ etc… those was the comments I am referring to. I also don’t get the comments about him not having his own place, to rent a one bedroom flat/house in our area is £1100+ and that’s a one bed, he works 40+ hours a week and earns £1900 after tax, he pays his ex £400 maintenance for his 3 children he physically can’t afford to rent a place on his own and choose to stay with his auntie due to her having a seven bedroom house and he can then have his 3 children stay there when he has them so no I am not put off by him not having his own place.

he is very good with my children he takes the boys for their haircuts as I hate going to the barbers, he takes them swimming on weekends, takes the boys to the field to play football etc.. also cooks them dinners when I’m not in the mood. So there is pro’s to him not all bad.

I was just dumbfounded by the reaction to me asking him not to have an ice cream and wanted to see other peoples thoughts so came on here and asked and a few comments made me sound like I’m a desperate single mum who would bring anyone into my home because I’m that sad and lonely which isn’t the case I like my own space hence why I don’t want to live with him full time I love the 3 nights with my kids. We have been together years. Thank you for your reply.

£400 a month

I was angry with the comments about me being desperate and prioritising him over my children which isn’t the case, my children always come first those was the comments I was angry with, not helpful and trying to make me feel like a bad mum when I’m far from it.

he is very good with my children he takes the boys for their haircuts as I hate going to the barbers, he takes them swimming on weekends, takes the boys to the field to play football etc.. also cooks them dinners when I’m not in the mood. So there is pro’s to him not all bad.

A man who does all that and yet only sees his own kids once every two weeks. Wonderful.