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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So sad after adult son's visit- physical violence

96 replies

Notanotherdick · 19/06/2025 14:17

It's been a few days now since total chaos broke out. My adult son had been to visit. He has been on a very destructive and downward spiral for years now ( he's 24 now). But recently he had me convinced he was doing better. He came to stay with me and he brought his 1 year child. I was so so excited and thought this was a great chance for everyone to relax together. Instead, he went out on a 24 hour drink and drug binge the second night after he arrived. Brought 'friends' back to carry on the party. Ordered drugs to my house. Drank all my alcohol and trashed my house. Didn't really take much care of his child ( I did not mind doing it, but I was disappointed in how little he seemed to care).

I asked him to leave and go to a friend's to sleep it off as he can be volatile and I have other caring responsibilities. He left his child with me for a few hours. He returned and seemed to have calmed down.

But I then found out he'd just continued to drink, take drugs and again, he went into a fit of rage a night after. He was shouting, swearing, his child was woken up and was screaming. He became violent towards me. All because I had had enough and said I was not funding his habits anymore.

He has now left with his child and I am finding myself in a deep depression that I can't get out of.

There's so much more to write. He didn't have a great upbringing. I tried my best for him but I was very young and his father treated him very badly. We went through the court system and his father still got access to him, despite everything. My son says he blames me for not keeping his father away. I can't keep apologising forever. I kept all of the court documents in case my son wanted to know, and was ready to read them. He did a few years ago but it seems he still wants to punish and blame me.

It's so difficult to watch him self destruct but I can't help him. I know he is just so full of hurt, but I thought he'd be responsible for his actions now that he has his own child.. he has gotten worse. He needs mental health services but refuses to ask for help.

I dont know how to pick myself back up again. I dont know how we could repair anything after he became physically violent. I will probably not get to see my grandchild much.

I have alot of gulit that has come back up. I have given my son everything, I put myself through university and got a good job so that I could provide for him. I didn't have any family support. Him and I were homeless when he was very young, and I have tried to hard to make a better life for us.

I just needed to get that out. I dont want to spiral into depression and put pressure on other aspects of my life. Any words of support would be much appreciated.

OP posts:
TomeTome · 19/06/2025 14:20

You need to protect your grandchild.

Original poster
Notanotherdick · 19/06/2025 14:23

He has an on/ off relationship with the mother of his child. He does not treat her well and it has concerned me but I have been there for both of them as aupport, but I keep those opinions to myself. He goes between staying with her and friends. I am so worried about him and his child. He is not showing signs that he can care for his child but how do I protect them without blowing everything up.

OP posts:
Seventree · 19/06/2025 14:24

You need to contact social services. There is nothing you can do now about your son's childhood (and it sounds like you tried your best for him at the time). But your grandchild needs protecting now, regardless of the reasons contributing to your son's destructive behaviour.

User415373 · 19/06/2025 14:26

You need to step in and support your grandchild. Please, please don't do nothing. That poor child. Report to social services.

Original poster
Notanotherdick · 19/06/2025 14:31

I have one friend who i have confided in and they said that going to social services was not the best idea. I feel it is. I know it will end any reconciliation with my son. My son's girlfriend will not have anything to do with me either. But how can I sit back and potentially let a child come to harm. I am aware that my son only sees his daughter when he is with the mother as he does not have his own place.

OP posts:
EnjoythemoneyJane · 19/06/2025 14:43

Your grandchild is in the control of a volatile, violent addict.

Don’t be ‘sad and depressed’ and throw your hands up, take some responsibility and act to protect your grandchild.

I’m sorry but you aren’t a helpless young woman anymore and in this situation your feelings are not the priority. Your son is perpetuating a shitty cycle of abuse and neglect and if you do nothing to stop him you are effectively complicit.

You don’t just have to passively accept that another child’s life is going to be ruined when you have the power to intervene.

80s · 19/06/2025 14:45

Have you reported what he did to you to the police?

LeilaLandi · 19/06/2025 14:46

Your grandchild is being harmed - neglect, emotionally and potentially physically - he or she needs protecting first and foremost. Contact social services ASAP. There’s no deliberation needed.

FriendofDorothy · 19/06/2025 14:47

You need to report to social services. Your friend is totally wrong. Even if it brings an end to your relationship with your son, your grandchild deserves your intervention.

Gingernaut · 19/06/2025 14:50

You needed to report to police as soon as he left with the child and the to Social Services - both his violence to you and his continuing threat to safety of your grandchild

FGS, think of the immediate safety of the child

FortyElephants · 19/06/2025 14:51

Notanotherdick · 19/06/2025 14:31

I have one friend who i have confided in and they said that going to social services was not the best idea. I feel it is. I know it will end any reconciliation with my son. My son's girlfriend will not have anything to do with me either. But how can I sit back and potentially let a child come to harm. I am aware that my son only sees his daughter when he is with the mother as he does not have his own place.

You let him leave with his child after a drink and drug binge?!

Of course you must call social services. Your friend is wrong. You can't protect the child from a distance.

hattie43 · 19/06/2025 14:57

Get your grandchild to safety and sever contact . Not everyone from a bad upbringing ends up a violent addict .

Original poster
Notanotherdick · 19/06/2025 14:57

EnjoythemoneyJane · 19/06/2025 14:43

Your grandchild is in the control of a volatile, violent addict.

Don’t be ‘sad and depressed’ and throw your hands up, take some responsibility and act to protect your grandchild.

I’m sorry but you aren’t a helpless young woman anymore and in this situation your feelings are not the priority. Your son is perpetuating a shitty cycle of abuse and neglect and if you do nothing to stop him you are effectively complicit.

You don’t just have to passively accept that another child’s life is going to be ruined when you have the power to intervene.

With all due respect, I am processing a traumatic event myself and it has left my energy very low. My son's child has been with their mother since this event and he has not been there. So I have been recovering my energy while I work out what to do. I have come for support, not to be put down. I appreciate that may not have been your intention. Social services were involved previously and deemed the home and environment safe. I feel that it is not. I have gotten in touch with social services when my son was young with regards to his father and very little was actually done. I appreciate times have changed, but I am trying to work out what is best considering everything and everyone. If I get completely alienated, then I'm no help to her either.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notanotherdick · 19/06/2025 15:00

FortyElephants · 19/06/2025 14:51

You let him leave with his child after a drink and drug binge?!

Of course you must call social services. Your friend is wrong. You can't protect the child from a distance.

Show quote history

The child went with their mother.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notanotherdick · 19/06/2025 15:06

He brought up all the past the night he was angry with me. Said how everything was my fault. That's the reason I off loaded that part in my original OP. I am trying to put that part away in my mind. He was so full of hatred for me and I always thought we had a good relationship. I have always been there for him. This time, I just couldn't take what he was saying. I said he was only using his past as an excuse to be irresponsible. That is was him making his choices not me. I actually thought that the police automatically made a report to social services and I've thought they would get in touch before today. That may have made it easier to keep a relationship with my grandchild's mother but I feel I need to do something as there has been no follow up.

OP posts:
80s · 19/06/2025 15:08

You know some of the stories you read in the paper about children who are injured, or killed, by a violent parent. Stories saying what had happened before the tragedy.
If you read a story in which a drugged-up father had attacked his own mother while in charge of his child, what would you think should have happened to prevent the child's later injury or death?

Original poster
Notanotherdick · 19/06/2025 15:11

80s · 19/06/2025 14:45

Have you reported what he did to you to the police?

Yes

OP posts:
AndOnThatTree · 19/06/2025 15:15

This is going to sound harsh but I’m going to say it…. When my son was a baby he had an accident that required him to stay in hospital, this was over twenty years ago but I will never forget this.. A baby was rushed past me having seizure after seizure, he had eaten a bag of cocaine. This could very easily be your grandson. A tiny baby will not survive accidentally eating drugs left about by your self pitying son. PHONE SOCIAL SERVICES NOW!!!

80s · 19/06/2025 15:17

That's good you called the police, OP.
How about if you call the NSPCC hotline, to talk to someone about what to do next?

luckylavender · 19/06/2025 15:19

@Notanotherdick- with respect stop making this all about you. If all this happened as you say, you have a moral duty to do something good in all this mess and protect your grandchild. You can be self indulgent afterwards.

Original poster
Notanotherdick · 19/06/2025 15:23

luckylavender · 19/06/2025 15:19

@Notanotherdick- with respect stop making this all about you. If all this happened as you say, you have a moral duty to do something good in all this mess and protect your grandchild. You can be self indulgent afterwards.

I am absolutely terrified.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notanotherdick · 19/06/2025 15:25

80s · 19/06/2025 15:17

That's good you called the police, OP.
How about if you call the NSPCC hotline, to talk to someone about what to do next?

Yes I've been given the number by a helpline that I rang today. I will ring them.

OP posts:
Parky04 · 19/06/2025 15:36

If he has hit you, it's very likely that he has also hit his child and the child's mother.

NoHope4BobHope · 19/06/2025 15:36

OP, i don't mean to be harsh here and I'm sorry for the hand that you were dealt with the early years of your sons childhood but you have to take some responsibility here. I understand that the past is traumatic and you were also a victim but have you actually sat down with your son and took some accountability in the failings you were part of in his childhood? Its very easy to blame his dad or being young but acknowledging his trauma and feelings for what they are is important here.

And I'm not excusing your son's behaviour or having a dig... i and my younger brother have been in your sons shoes with our own mum and it took many many years of counselling to let go of that anger, blame and shame. When we tried to talk to our mum or reach out she used to blame everyone else or dismiss our pain to nothing because she was the victim and it wasn't her fault. This only made it worse because in fact she WAS partly responsible for our lack of safety and awful upbringing, she didn't protect us or love us like she was supposed to. So yes, that hugely damaged our relationship with her and many other future people. We are LC with our mum now but we are both finally free from those horrible feelings gnawing away at us.

ETA- you now have a responsibility to your grandchild, please break this cycle and reach out for support.