It's been a few days now since total chaos broke out. My adult son had been to visit. He has been on a very destructive and downward spiral for years now ( he's 24 now). But recently he had me convinced he was doing better. He came to stay with me and he brought his 1 year child. I was so so excited and thought this was a great chance for everyone to relax together. Instead, he went out on a 24 hour drink and drug binge the second night after he arrived. Brought 'friends' back to carry on the party. Ordered drugs to my house. Drank all my alcohol and trashed my house. Didn't really take much care of his child ( I did not mind doing it, but I was disappointed in how little he seemed to care).
I asked him to leave and go to a friend's to sleep it off as he can be volatile and I have other caring responsibilities. He left his child with me for a few hours. He returned and seemed to have calmed down.
But I then found out he'd just continued to drink, take drugs and again, he went into a fit of rage a night after. He was shouting, swearing, his child was woken up and was screaming. He became violent towards me. All because I had had enough and said I was not funding his habits anymore.
He has now left with his child and I am finding myself in a deep depression that I can't get out of.
There's so much more to write. He didn't have a great upbringing. I tried my best for him but I was very young and his father treated him very badly. We went through the court system and his father still got access to him, despite everything. My son says he blames me for not keeping his father away. I can't keep apologising forever. I kept all of the court documents in case my son wanted to know, and was ready to read them. He did a few years ago but it seems he still wants to punish and blame me.
It's so difficult to watch him self destruct but I can't help him. I know he is just so full of hurt, but I thought he'd be responsible for his actions now that he has his own child.. he has gotten worse. He needs mental health services but refuses to ask for help.
I dont know how to pick myself back up again. I dont know how we could repair anything after he became physically violent. I will probably not get to see my grandchild much.
I have alot of gulit that has come back up. I have given my son everything, I put myself through university and got a good job so that I could provide for him. I didn't have any family support. Him and I were homeless when he was very young, and I have tried to hard to make a better life for us.
I just needed to get that out. I dont want to spiral into depression and put pressure on other aspects of my life. Any words of support would be much appreciated.