So sad after adult son's visit- physical violence

[Notanotherdick]

It's been a few days now since total chaos broke out. My adult son had been to visit. He has been on a very destructive and downward spiral for years now ( he's 24 now). But recently he had me convinced he was doing better. He came to stay with me and he brought his 1 year child. I was so so excited and thought this was a great chance for everyone to relax together. Instead, he went out on a 24 hour drink and drug binge the second night after he arrived. Brought 'friends' back to carry on the party. Ordered drugs to my house. Drank all my alcohol and trashed my house. Didn't really take much care of his child ( I did not mind doing it, but I was disappointed in how little he seemed to care).

I asked him to leave and go to a friend's to sleep it off as he can be volatile and I have other caring responsibilities. He left his child with me for a few hours. He returned and seemed to have calmed down.

But I then found out he'd just continued to drink, take drugs and again, he went into a fit of rage a night after. He was shouting, swearing, his child was woken up and was screaming. He became violent towards me. All because I had had enough and said I was not funding his habits anymore.

He has now left with his child and I am finding myself in a deep depression that I can't get out of.

There's so much more to write. He didn't have a great upbringing. I tried my best for him but I was very young and his father treated him very badly. We went through the court system and his father still got access to him, despite everything. My son says he blames me for not keeping his father away. I can't keep apologising forever. I kept all of the court documents in case my son wanted to know, and was ready to read them. He did a few years ago but it seems he still wants to punish and blame me.

It's so difficult to watch him self destruct but I can't help him. I know he is just so full of hurt, but I thought he'd be responsible for his actions now that he has his own child.. he has gotten worse. He needs mental health services but refuses to ask for help.

I dont know how to pick myself back up again. I dont know how we could repair anything after he became physically violent. I will probably not get to see my grandchild much.

I have alot of gulit that has come back up. I have given my son everything, I put myself through university and got a good job so that I could provide for him. I didn't have any family support. Him and I were homeless when he was very young, and I have tried to hard to make a better life for us.

I just needed to get that out. I dont want to spiral into depression and put pressure on other aspects of my life. Any words of support would be much appreciated.

Seriously - read threads before replying. Police were informed the same day (and should have informed ss), ss referral was done today.

Get some coherent selling for yourself op
Keep talking to ss
Try to ensure your son does not have cobtact with you or his son
You cannot save your adult son
He needs help but you cannot provide it

I stand corrected - you’ve made the call
thank you, very difficult but you have absolutely done the right thing.

You must phone Child Protection this evening. No-one’s else’s feelings count right now. There is a child at risk here.

She’s called the necessary services. Please at least read the OP’s posts.

Honestly OP, lots of people have very hard childhoods.
You did your best.
He now wants to use it as a stick to beat you with as he drinks and does srugs and is an emotionally abusive father to his daughter.

Stop being lectured to by him.
Cut him loose.

Well done for reporting.
Blaming you is much easier than getti g his shit together.

He's a violent druggy.
You can't change who he has chosen to be.

Mind yourself.

I really hope so. I dont think I'll be allowed close enough to them to keep her protected and support them now.

Reporting is exactly the right thing to do. If you could travel back in time, I am sure you would give anything to be able to do so, if you could have changed things to protect your son. But acting now can protect your grandchild. And avoid you sitting there in twenty years time wishing to fuck you could travel back in time and change things to save her.

Hopefully your grandchild's mother will agree to continue your contact when she knows that you are prioritising the child. Emphasise to her that you want to support her and help her as much as possible.

Exactly this.

I think the fact that her mother is in what you call an 'on again off again' with a violent addict, means that SHE'S not doing enough to keep her child safe. Maybe this will be a wake up call for her.

Good point buck -
and tbh you weren’t close enough and able to support and protect your grandchild as evidenced by the shit show that played out at your house -
not your fault -
it’s the parents

This 💯
That poor wee girl.

You’re being extremely naive.

Social services are broken, and as sad as it is, there are far far worse cases than this (child sex abuse being just one example).

It will achieve absolutely nothing apart from @Notanotherdick losing total contact with her grandchild.

So stop giving her a hard time. You clearly have no practical experience or advice.

It's already blown up - by him.

Contact SS and make a full disclosure and protect that child!

Op I hate that you're getting grief about this awful situation.

Right at the very heart of the matter is your grandchild. She is a child in danger of abuse. No matter what has happened before, to you, to your son, to his father, to the mother of your granddaughter - she is at risk.

Please please do the right thing and protect her. Everything else is secondary. Your son cannot parent her properly whilst under the influence of drink and drugs. Her mother cannot protect her if she is in a relationship with a violent man who is regularly under the influence of drink and drugs.

Your granddaughter can't speak up for herself - I'm making an assumption she's not in nursery or childcare, so is not under the radar of professionals - you must advocate for her, please.

It might cause problems for you, for your relationship with your dad and the mother of his child. That is secondary. She needs a voice.

I say this as not long ago I made a similar difficult decision regarding a child in my family. And the proverbial shit did hit the fan, spectacularly so. But that child is now safe from a violent alcoholic parent who could not parent properly, and was causing so much pain.

Please do report to the relevant authorities.

1000 times this. It's your opportunity to compensate for past errors, too.

Couple of things to add which I don't think others have been said:

1. Who's to say that there will be a presumption that you rang? Unless you and the mother live in the middle of know where, it's fairly noticeable a drugged up/violent person stumbling around with a 1 year old. Anyone - neighbours, friends, frequent passers by could report and would do.

1. Is the mother that brilliant passing the child to him when he's hitting rock bottom and has undesirable friends. Note, frequent sexual abuse is from such friends, they are opportunistic and seize vulnerable children from vulnerable and incapable adults. What mum would be taking that risk.

1. In light of the above, this mum needs a kick up the arse from social services and some shock treatment from them to get appropriate, monitored, supervised care in place when he's involved.

1. Do you know the extent of the abuse he suffered if alone with his father, as if not it sounds like becoming a father has been a major trigger point of memories and he needs urgent counselling before doing something stupid to himself or others, where ge will be imprisoned and any decent chance of life will be ruined.

I hope this ends well, it makes me sick to my core when you hear history repeating itself and then innocent pure babies are then in line to be round no. 3 of "here we go again". It truly is societies biggest problem and i honestly don't know what the answer is.

Good luck and at least you have done something.

She did confide in me. We both supported each other. He had been doing much better in recent months- or hiding it very well. Either way, I was in contact with the mum more about the baby. If social services don't do much here, I may have jeopardised any contact.

This. I'm very sorry but in your shoes I would be applying for an interim order and take the child. You need to get advice from a family lawyer. TBH as bad as it sounds id be contacting social services

Stop being such a cow. It’s clear the OP is frightened. She’s hardly being self indulgent.

Your son should not be in sole charge of his child. I think this is unbelievably clear. The minute he tried to take the child somewhere authorities should have been called. A child is not safe with him, I think this is clear? I'm a bit confused why you would allow this

History repeating itself. You need to protect grandchild from your son. Firstly report the assault to the police, and then report to social services. Your son should not have unsupervised contact with his child. If you don't do this you're complicit in your grandchild's neglect.

Honestly I would move house so that he couldn't find me again and I would report him to the NSPCC and social services. I wouldn't want to see him again and I have never ever said that on here before.

I agree social services will do bugger all, if anything they made our lives worse, completely clueless and powerless to do anything worthwhile.

Support your DIL as best you can, don’t entertain your son he’s an adult now and responsible for his own behaviour despite his trauma. Plenty young dads in his position step up to the plate. He sounds like my exh and it pisses me off royally when his mum makes excuses for his shitty treatment of me and her grandchildren. Cut him loose and get behind her to build her independence so she can cut him loose. Don’t waste your time on him, if he realises what he needs to do, he’ll come back to ask for support to improve himself. Otherwise he’s just going to do more of the same and cause you all misery