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Original poster

So sad after adult son's visit- physical violence

96 replies

Notanotherdick · 19/06/2025 14:17

It's been a few days now since total chaos broke out. My adult son had been to visit. He has been on a very destructive and downward spiral for years now ( he's 24 now). But recently he had me convinced he was doing better. He came to stay with me and he brought his 1 year child. I was so so excited and thought this was a great chance for everyone to relax together. Instead, he went out on a 24 hour drink and drug binge the second night after he arrived. Brought 'friends' back to carry on the party. Ordered drugs to my house. Drank all my alcohol and trashed my house. Didn't really take much care of his child ( I did not mind doing it, but I was disappointed in how little he seemed to care).

I asked him to leave and go to a friend's to sleep it off as he can be volatile and I have other caring responsibilities. He left his child with me for a few hours. He returned and seemed to have calmed down.

But I then found out he'd just continued to drink, take drugs and again, he went into a fit of rage a night after. He was shouting, swearing, his child was woken up and was screaming. He became violent towards me. All because I had had enough and said I was not funding his habits anymore.

He has now left with his child and I am finding myself in a deep depression that I can't get out of.

There's so much more to write. He didn't have a great upbringing. I tried my best for him but I was very young and his father treated him very badly. We went through the court system and his father still got access to him, despite everything. My son says he blames me for not keeping his father away. I can't keep apologising forever. I kept all of the court documents in case my son wanted to know, and was ready to read them. He did a few years ago but it seems he still wants to punish and blame me.

It's so difficult to watch him self destruct but I can't help him. I know he is just so full of hurt, but I thought he'd be responsible for his actions now that he has his own child.. he has gotten worse. He needs mental health services but refuses to ask for help.

I dont know how to pick myself back up again. I dont know how we could repair anything after he became physically violent. I will probably not get to see my grandchild much.

I have alot of gulit that has come back up. I have given my son everything, I put myself through university and got a good job so that I could provide for him. I didn't have any family support. Him and I were homeless when he was very young, and I have tried to hard to make a better life for us.

I just needed to get that out. I dont want to spiral into depression and put pressure on other aspects of my life. Any words of support would be much appreciated.

OP posts:
80s · 19/06/2025 15:37

You say that you are finding it hard to cope with your son's accusations that his childhood issues are your fault. That's probably something you should look into later, once this critical issue is being dealt with. It sounds like you tried hard to give your son a better life. Don't let your fear of being criticised and judged get in the way of protecting your granddaughter. She must be just as terrified as you. Good luck.

AluckyEllie · 19/06/2025 15:45

Your son is a violent piece of shit. He’s an addict. He was violent and loud and took drugs with his child in the house.

Yes he may have had a bad childhood but it’s certainly not as bad as some. And not everyone that had that kind of upbringing uses it as an excuse. You do not need to keep feeling guilty which is making you let him get away with it again and again- which he knows. He’s manipulating you. Cut him off. Report him to social services. You have done so well turning your life around, you don’t deserve this.

Original poster
Notanotherdick · 19/06/2025 15:51

NoHope4BobHope · 19/06/2025 15:36

OP, i don't mean to be harsh here and I'm sorry for the hand that you were dealt with the early years of your sons childhood but you have to take some responsibility here. I understand that the past is traumatic and you were also a victim but have you actually sat down with your son and took some accountability in the failings you were part of in his childhood? Its very easy to blame his dad or being young but acknowledging his trauma and feelings for what they are is important here.

And I'm not excusing your son's behaviour or having a dig... i and my younger brother have been in your sons shoes with our own mum and it took many many years of counselling to let go of that anger, blame and shame. When we tried to talk to our mum or reach out she used to blame everyone else or dismiss our pain to nothing because she was the victim and it wasn't her fault. This only made it worse because in fact she WAS partly responsible for our lack of safety and awful upbringing, she didn't protect us or love us like she was supposed to. So yes, that hugely damaged our relationship with her and many other future people. We are LC with our mum now but we are both finally free from those horrible feelings gnawing away at us.

ETA- you now have a responsibility to your grandchild, please break this cycle and reach out for support.

Edited

I understand what you are saying. I have only ever taken accountability for my part in his experiences. I have a background in counselling and I have tried so so hard to validate his lived experiences, accepting the pain he felt and sitting in it with him. I have apologised for my failings. I also come from a family of abuse and have had to go NC. Being accountable, acknowledging hurt caused, listening, not defending. I never blamed his dad for any of my actions. I could of done some things differently and if I could go back, I would. I kept the factual documents for when he was older and wanted to know. I have never said a bad word about his father to him, he came to his own conclusions. I still do not offer my opinions on his dad. I have written my son letters so he would have my apologies to keep. I have tried. This was the first time I said, no more. He didn't want to bring it up to talk, he wanted to put me down for refusing him money. It does sound like I'm all for myself but I am not letting him do this to anyone anymore. I've come to the realisation that my son is now an abuser himself. He needs professional help now. I do feel like he is using it as an excuse to behave appallingly. I just needed to write this out before contacting services.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notanotherdick · 19/06/2025 15:54

NoHope4BobHope · 19/06/2025 15:36

OP, i don't mean to be harsh here and I'm sorry for the hand that you were dealt with the early years of your sons childhood but you have to take some responsibility here. I understand that the past is traumatic and you were also a victim but have you actually sat down with your son and took some accountability in the failings you were part of in his childhood? Its very easy to blame his dad or being young but acknowledging his trauma and feelings for what they are is important here.

And I'm not excusing your son's behaviour or having a dig... i and my younger brother have been in your sons shoes with our own mum and it took many many years of counselling to let go of that anger, blame and shame. When we tried to talk to our mum or reach out she used to blame everyone else or dismiss our pain to nothing because she was the victim and it wasn't her fault. This only made it worse because in fact she WAS partly responsible for our lack of safety and awful upbringing, she didn't protect us or love us like she was supposed to. So yes, that hugely damaged our relationship with her and many other future people. We are LC with our mum now but we are both finally free from those horrible feelings gnawing away at us.

ETA- you now have a responsibility to your grandchild, please break this cycle and reach out for support.

Edited

Thank you for writing this, I really appreciate your honesty and I am glad to hear that you have reached a place of peace about your early life 😊

OP posts:
L0bstersLass · 19/06/2025 15:55

I just needed to write this out before contacting services.
You really don't, you need to phone them immediately.
Do it now before the bulk of staff are gone for the day.
Phoning them cannot wait.
@Notanotherdick,you can contact the NSPCC Helpline by calling 0808 800 5000.

Do it now, please.

Original poster
Notanotherdick · 19/06/2025 15:56

80s · 19/06/2025 15:37

You say that you are finding it hard to cope with your son's accusations that his childhood issues are your fault. That's probably something you should look into later, once this critical issue is being dealt with. It sounds like you tried hard to give your son a better life. Don't let your fear of being criticised and judged get in the way of protecting your granddaughter. She must be just as terrified as you. Good luck.

Thank you, you are right, she must of been so scared at his shouting.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notanotherdick · 19/06/2025 16:00

AluckyEllie · 19/06/2025 15:45

Your son is a violent piece of shit. He’s an addict. He was violent and loud and took drugs with his child in the house.

Yes he may have had a bad childhood but it’s certainly not as bad as some. And not everyone that had that kind of upbringing uses it as an excuse. You do not need to keep feeling guilty which is making you let him get away with it again and again- which he knows. He’s manipulating you. Cut him off. Report him to social services. You have done so well turning your life around, you don’t deserve this.

Thank you, that makes so much sense. The child's mother will never speak to me again for this. She does a great job and does not let him have access on his own. This will be a lot of pressure on her and she won't see it from my side. I have reported it to the NSPCC who are msking a referral on my behalf. So hard feeling like I'll never see her again.

OP posts:
wizzywig · 19/06/2025 16:00

Op you can't change yours or your sons past. But you have the chance to be involved or shape the future of your 1yr old grand child who is utterly innocent.
That you have kept the paperwork of the court proceedings to me indicates that you wanted to show him 'llook it wasn't me! It was the court that made me share custody'. But it hasn't changed things. For whatever reason he hasn't read it or he has read it and still focuses on you. I think it's because it's easier to blame you than work on his anger and addictions. This is who he is. If your son wants to change, then he will.

GAJLY · 19/06/2025 16:01

Honestly I'd report this to social services. Think of the child.

arcticpandas · 19/06/2025 16:01

I understand that you feel broken @Notanotherdick . There is just one thing you have to do: Call SS and give them all information. Tell them you are worried for your GDs safety and also your own. They have to act on this information. Your GDs life is in danger with your son. Don't wait!

arcticpandas · 19/06/2025 16:02

Notanotherdick · 19/06/2025 16:00

Thank you, that makes so much sense. The child's mother will never speak to me again for this. She does a great job and does not let him have access on his own. This will be a lot of pressure on her and she won't see it from my side. I have reported it to the NSPCC who are msking a referral on my behalf. So hard feeling like I'll never see her again.

Show quote history

But he had access on his own when he came to yours!! So there needs to be a court order on this to protect your GD.

Original poster
Notanotherdick · 19/06/2025 16:07

wizzywig · 19/06/2025 16:00

Op you can't change yours or your sons past. But you have the chance to be involved or shape the future of your 1yr old grand child who is utterly innocent.
That you have kept the paperwork of the court proceedings to me indicates that you wanted to show him 'llook it wasn't me! It was the court that made me share custody'. But it hasn't changed things. For whatever reason he hasn't read it or he has read it and still focuses on you. I think it's because it's easier to blame you than work on his anger and addictions. This is who he is. If your son wants to change, then he will.

His father told him things that were not true. I kept them in case my son wanted to make his own mind up. I dont enjoy him having a poor relationship with either of us.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notanotherdick · 19/06/2025 16:09

arcticpandas · 19/06/2025 16:02

But he had access on his own when he came to yours!! So there needs to be a court order on this to protect your GD.

Show quote history

I was with her the whole time. He was hardly there to be honest.

OP posts:
Thinlyveiled · 19/06/2025 16:12

For gods sake report him to social services. I would be absolutely worried sick about my grandchild if it were me. You have a duty of care.

Original poster
Notanotherdick · 19/06/2025 16:13

Thinlyveiled · 19/06/2025 16:12

For gods sake report him to social services. I would be absolutely worried sick about my grandchild if it were me. You have a duty of care.

I already have.

OP posts:
Devonshiregal · 19/06/2025 16:27

Notanotherdick · 19/06/2025 16:00

Thank you, that makes so much sense. The child's mother will never speak to me again for this. She does a great job and does not let him have access on his own. This will be a lot of pressure on her and she won't see it from my side. I have reported it to the NSPCC who are msking a referral on my behalf. So hard feeling like I'll never see her again.

Show quote history

How does it make sense? This person doesn’t have any acceptance of nuance or addiction. There are plenty of things that are worse than xyz, but you don’t get to decide how someone copes or reacts. Otherwise we should stand down all counsellors and mental health support workers and say fucking pull it together, you’re not at war so stop crying.

and if this person’s logic made sense, one your granddaughter grows up, she will be entitled to no sympathy for her troubled upbringing. Unless, I assume, she handles it only exactly how this pp deems appropriate.

it’s not ok for your son to be have the way he is. You do need to call SS as you have. You need to continue accepting responsibility and apologising - but you won’t get the desired response until he’s done the self work and also while he’s riddled with drugs.

there’s no reason you have to admit you called SS/nspcc. Deny deny deny. It could’ve been the mum, the friends, a random passer-by or neighbour. when they accuse you you lie and say absolutely not and try to help figure out who did.

Have you told the kid’s mother that he was drugged up? You say she doesn’t let him have her alone but he took her alone to see you?? Didnt she come running to get her daughter when she found out he was off his head? Or did you not tell him because you were scared he’d hate you and stop you seeing her? What did the police say?

tara66 · 19/06/2025 16:41

OP GET OVER YOURSELF!
You let a one year old little girl be taken from your house by an adult man who is violent , very unstable and has been taking drugs and drink for hours/days?? And doesn't have any where to live and has very bad drunk friends too??
You need to URGENTLY ensure that the child is removed to a safe place and normal environment immediately and stop being such a self pitying shower!!

Original poster
Notanotherdick · 19/06/2025 16:46

Devonshiregal · 19/06/2025 16:27

How does it make sense? This person doesn’t have any acceptance of nuance or addiction. There are plenty of things that are worse than xyz, but you don’t get to decide how someone copes or reacts. Otherwise we should stand down all counsellors and mental health support workers and say fucking pull it together, you’re not at war so stop crying.

and if this person’s logic made sense, one your granddaughter grows up, she will be entitled to no sympathy for her troubled upbringing. Unless, I assume, she handles it only exactly how this pp deems appropriate.

it’s not ok for your son to be have the way he is. You do need to call SS as you have. You need to continue accepting responsibility and apologising - but you won’t get the desired response until he’s done the self work and also while he’s riddled with drugs.

there’s no reason you have to admit you called SS/nspcc. Deny deny deny. It could’ve been the mum, the friends, a random passer-by or neighbour. when they accuse you you lie and say absolutely not and try to help figure out who did.

Have you told the kid’s mother that he was drugged up? You say she doesn’t let him have her alone but he took her alone to see you?? Didnt she come running to get her daughter when she found out he was off his head? Or did you not tell him because you were scared he’d hate you and stop you seeing her? What did the police say?

Show quote history

It made sense that me feeling guilty was fuelling me accepting his behaviour towards me over recent years. But his addictions are his to deal with and I'm only making it worse by feeling coerced into giving him money. He was a good liar in having me believe he was on a good path this last year. I can not have a relationship with him now that he has been violent. I'm here if he reaches out and shows he can accept the relationship I can offer. Hes only interested in money right now

His on/ off partner knows everything. I rang her at various times over the trip. I am close to her and did not want to hide anything that happened. She tries her best to support him also. I am only worried about the implications on ringing social services on the mother as i know she wont speak to me again. She feels she has it under control.He was not on his own travelling and the mother allowed the trip as I knew to always be present. It was really for me to spend quality time with the child, and to help support my son with her too. He convinced everyone that he was different now.

The police took details and said they would be in touch.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notanotherdick · 19/06/2025 16:47

tara66 · 19/06/2025 16:41

OP GET OVER YOURSELF!
You let a one year old little girl be taken from your house by an adult man who is violent , very unstable and has been taking drugs and drink for hours/days?? And doesn't have any where to live and has very bad drunk friends too??
You need to URGENTLY ensure that the child is removed to a safe place and normal environment immediately and stop being such a self pitying shower!!

I think you've misunderstood my post.

OP posts:
Yogabearmous · 19/06/2025 16:52

FortyElephants · 19/06/2025 14:51

You let him leave with his child after a drink and drug binge?!

Of course you must call social services. Your friend is wrong. You can't protect the child from a distance.

Show quote history

This.
how on earth did you let him take that child when he was out of his mind ?! Ffs, report to police and social services before that baby is seriously harmed.

ThreeLocusts · 19/06/2025 16:55

OP just to say I really feel for you. I have a child going through a very difficult period and though their violence will probably always be directed mostly against themselves, I dread the possibility of having to call social services on them one day and the relationship breaking down.

The being-blamed-for-everything is so, so hard. Not just because it's factually incorrect and unfair, but because it doesn't help. It doesn't make anything better, it just feeds into this bottomless pit of destructive anger.

I have no advice on how you get out of this cycle, but this much is clear: you don't do anyone any favours by wearing yourself down or beating yourself up. By all means, take responsibility - you do - but also look after yourself. You can't look after anyone else if you're on your knees. All the best.

Bumdrops · 19/06/2025 16:56

Notanotherdick · 19/06/2025 14:31

I have one friend who i have confided in and they said that going to social services was not the best idea. I feel it is. I know it will end any reconciliation with my son. My son's girlfriend will not have anything to do with me either. But how can I sit back and potentially let a child come to harm. I am aware that my son only sees his daughter when he is with the mother as he does not have his own place.

Your ‘friend’ knows jack shit about safeguarding
what’s more important - your reconciliation/ easier life or the child’s welfare
he doesn’t have the child without the mum there - rubbish, he bought the child to yours - therefore he has unsupervised access
you’ve got guilt about your sons childhood, use that guilt to motivate you to make sure your grandkid doesn’t have the same or worse
report to Social Services!!!!!!

Original poster
Notanotherdick · 19/06/2025 16:58

ThreeLocusts · 19/06/2025 16:55

OP just to say I really feel for you. I have a child going through a very difficult period and though their violence will probably always be directed mostly against themselves, I dread the possibility of having to call social services on them one day and the relationship breaking down.

The being-blamed-for-everything is so, so hard. Not just because it's factually incorrect and unfair, but because it doesn't help. It doesn't make anything better, it just feeds into this bottomless pit of destructive anger.

I have no advice on how you get out of this cycle, but this much is clear: you don't do anyone any favours by wearing yourself down or beating yourself up. By all means, take responsibility - you do - but also look after yourself. You can't look after anyone else if you're on your knees. All the best.

Thank you so much. I really really appreciate this right now. I will get back on my feet. I hope you are being kind to yourself too and this difficult period ends soon x

OP posts:
L0bstersLass · 19/06/2025 17:00

Notanotherdick · 19/06/2025 16:00

Thank you, that makes so much sense. The child's mother will never speak to me again for this. She does a great job and does not let him have access on his own. This will be a lot of pressure on her and she won't see it from my side. I have reported it to the NSPCC who are msking a referral on my behalf. So hard feeling like I'll never see her again.

Show quote history

@Notanotherdick , you've reported it today?

If not, I suggest you call them again on 0808 800 5000.

I do feel for you, but I feel even more for your poor grandchild.

Azandme · 19/06/2025 17:02

tara66 · 19/06/2025 16:41

OP GET OVER YOURSELF!
You let a one year old little girl be taken from your house by an adult man who is violent , very unstable and has been taking drugs and drink for hours/days?? And doesn't have any where to live and has very bad drunk friends too??
You need to URGENTLY ensure that the child is removed to a safe place and normal environment immediately and stop being such a self pitying shower!!

Usually wise to RTFT before commenting. And then you maybe wouldn't have felt the need to be so nasty.