Difficult situation with friend

[redgingersocks]

My MIL (93) had a bad fall late last year and after spending time in hospital, respite unit and she is now a permanent care home resident. All during this time my bestest friend has not once been in contact to check on her progress or even how we are dealing with the horrible situation.

She msged me mid December around 2 wks after the fall to thank me for her birthday present and I asked was she aware of MIL's situation - she replied she was as her husband (also my husband's best friend) had informed her. So I asked did she not think a text or msg would of been nice to see how everyone was getting on. She replied with "I've been busy with birthdays" I was astonished by her reply and said I was disappointed she couldn't find 5 mins just to drop a msg and I havent been in contact with her since, nor her with me.

I dont want to lose our friendship but still feel very angry by her attitude, I told her at the time if the tables had been turned and if it was her mum I would of been round to help like a shot.

I wouldn’t expect my friends to ask how my MIL is in your scenario.
IME people are more and more self absorbed and don’t spend a moment to think how others are. It’s crap but very common.
as soon as they need something from you they’re quick enough to call/message.
Fuck em

A check in would be nice. But surely not expected. She has her own life going on and if you wanted support/assistance you could always have messaged her too.

I wouldn't have called her out on it though and she probably feels pissed off and defensive that you did... Maybe she wouldn't want you rushing round and messaging her etc if she had a crisis but would rather turn to you when/if she needed support. Did you ask her for help or support or sit seething that she didn't offer it and turned around the text message thanking for the gift to pounce

Also. Was all this 6 months ago!?!?

It would appear the friendship is over.

I think you’re being unfair to be honest. Of course it would be nice for her to show an interest and I hope I would in the same circumstances. But equally she is your friend not your MiL’s and sometimes life gets busy.

Another one to say I think you're being a bit unreasonable.

If it was your mother, then yes a text would have been nice. I can't honestly say I would have thought to have been bothered for someone's mother in law, especially if my husband was friends with the woman's actual son - I would maybe expect that any sympathy messages, texts etc would be between my husband and the son.

Is there some backstory here - like perhaps your MIL raised you and you treat her like she is your mother ?

It’s absolutely not on my radar that my best friends MIL Heath would need me to “check in” with my friends. On the contrary, she works tell need in convo and then we would talk about it better and I would commiserate and that would be that. I wouldn’t raise it for discussion again unless she instigated it . I certainly do not go around monitoring the the health of friends in-laws who aren’t even related to me . I can’t even tell you the name of my best friends in laws, and I doubt very much that she could name mine!! Good lord.

I think you were a bit unreasonable to be honest. It is your MIL. You mention that your husband and her husband are friends. I would assume they have spoken about your MIL. I know the PIL of one of my friends only and rarely will ask about them. I certainly don't check in with my friend when they are ill.

I do think you were rude to call her out about it.

So this is your MIL and your DH is her DH's best friend. Maybe her DH asks your DH how she is and relays this information back to her?

To be honest, I wouldn't really expect friends to ask and check in about my MIL. If it were my own Mum, definitely, but for a MIL, not so much. Maybe she thought that if you needed anything then you would simply just ask?

I think calling her out has made her defensive and was a bit confrontational given your friendship.

I am not sure where you go from here but it seems you are both a bit hurt/pissed off at the way the other has reacted to something and one of you needs to make the first move to try and put this behind you.

But first you need to let go of that anger or you will get no-where.

Maybe text and ask if she would be willing to meet for coffee and talk like a couple of adults. Hear her side, and listen and then you say yours while she listens. Hopefully at the end of it all you can move on.

Doesn't seem like you are that good friends if you haven't spoken or seen each other in months.

Agree with this tbh

Thanks for the replies obviously I called it wrong and was maybe not in the right headspace at the time. But just to clear a few points my friend is also friends with MIL she used to visit her at home and also would join us for meals out etc. There were both there to celebrate her 90th birthday so not just a MIL more of a friend

She knew how your MIL was though because her husband told her

As her husband is your dhs best mate, and it's Dhs mum, I would expect any updates to be provided through that friendship. I imagine your husband is capable of telling his friend if he needs support

If what you actually mean is you want support or attention from your friend then tell her. There's always something a bit attentions seekery and matyrish about sitting and waiting for others to ask after you. People don't have endless time to ask others their problems, use your words and look for support if you need it

You scolded her after 2 weeks? I wouldn't stand for it and couldn't be friends with someone like you. I thought bickering was reserved for old married couple, not besties?

I think you’re fairly unreasonable on this one. The check in should be DH to DH which it sounds like happened. I think if you don’t want to lose your friend I would get in touch and make amends. She’s probably perplexed as to what she’s done wrong so hasn’t been in touch because she doesn’t know what to say.

Your friend’s husband is your husband’s best friend. It’s up to them to communicate. I wouldn’t necessarily think to ask how your MIL was but I would if it was your actual mum.
I certainly wouldn’t have called her out on it!

This is an odd one to call her out on for a specific message. I'd expect her to ask/mention MIL if she saw you, but not to ask via text. Most friendships work like that, update if needed, or wait til you see and ask after them.

I agree. This is very, very odd.

I dont want to lose our friendship
I think think that ship has probably sailed OP.

But still feel very angry by her attitude, I told her at the time if the tables had been turned and if it was her mum I would of been round to help like a shot.

You have GOT to let this go. And trust me I speak from experience, when my dad was terminally unwell and later died I was basically dropped by a lifelong friend. She did all the opposite things I would've done if the roles were reversed and I would've sworn I could've trusted her with my life at one point.

It hurts, it made me ragingly angry (that was fun coupled with the ongoing grief) but I have to let it go as best I can because, quite frankly what is the alternative? I don't have one and neither do you. Grieve your friendship, learn from it but move on.

So you basically harangued her about this, after just 2 weeks, and in the lead-up to Christmas? I think that was quite inappropriate. All you can do now, if you want the friendship to survive, is try to mend bridges. Contact her, ask her out for coffee or whatever, and do not mention the disagreement again.

if the tables had been turned and if it was her mum I would of been round to help like a shot
What would you have done to help - brought your friend food or something, or just talked to her for support? Is that the kind of thing your friend would normally do, or does she act differently to you?

In the 2 weeks after the fall, your friend had more than one birthday to deal with. Your MIL was in hospital, receiving care, and you were presumably visiting her and sorting out what to do next. Maybe your friend thought you were busy. Maybe she thought it was your private family matter and that it would be unsuitable for her to turn up at the hospital, or bother you.

It wouldn't occur to me to follow up this with a friend either. At the most, I would ask or even just expect an update next time we met.

I have friends who are struggling with parent issues (I'm that age!) but tbh, I don't know them, I don't "care" how they are. If I ask it's out of polite conversation rather than care, and for that reason it's not on my mind, so I forget to ask. I'm very reay and willing to offer practical support as needed, but I'm not the friend if you want me to pretend to care about things that don't affect me. Some people are good at that. I find it all a bit 2 faced.

I know she is your best friend but, gently, you may not be hers. Or this is how she treats friends, which isn't right.

I had a friend do something similar to me after the death of a family member that I was enormously close to. She knew just how much this person meant to me and how upset I was. Nearly immediately upon hearing the news, we went from daily contact to disappearing on me. She resurfaced after a few months and said she just had a lot on her plate at the time and hadn't wanted to bother me with it. I took her back even though this excuse never sat right with me and didn't align with how I would ever treat her if the situation were reversed.

Guess what? She did it again a few years later.

When people show you are they are, believe them.

I think you made the wrong call to be honest -some people just aren’t interested in friends relatives , however on another aspect I just don’t relate to some peoples obsession with birthdays - but I guess that might be just me!

I don't think it's fair of you to put that on her, I think what you are doing there is self sabotaging your own friendship with her.
Why couldn't you just be honest and say "hey i'm struggling, can we catch up?"

Ive been through some absolutely devastating unimaginable things in the last 6 months and some days I've just wanted to be alone to deal with it. Some days I have had to pick up the phone and ask a friend to meet for a coffee.

Fair enough be angry with the situation, but your friend is just living her life.