Difficult situation with friend

[redgingersocks]

My MIL (93) had a bad fall late last year and after spending time in hospital, respite unit and she is now a permanent care home resident. All during this time my bestest friend has not once been in contact to check on her progress or even how we are dealing with the horrible situation.

She msged me mid December around 2 wks after the fall to thank me for her birthday present and I asked was she aware of MIL's situation - she replied she was as her husband (also my husband's best friend) had informed her. So I asked did she not think a text or msg would of been nice to see how everyone was getting on. She replied with "I've been busy with birthdays" I was astonished by her reply and said I was disappointed she couldn't find 5 mins just to drop a msg and I havent been in contact with her since, nor her with me.

I dont want to lose our friendship but still feel very angry by her attitude, I told her at the time if the tables had been turned and if it was her mum I would of been round to help like a shot.

Sounds like you used MIL to take a cheap shot at a ‘friend’. What was your actual problem with her?

I understand where you're coming from. Your friend's husband is your husband's best friend. It sounds like you have been been friends as couples for a very long time. It will likely have been a stressful time caring for your MIL at a time of sudden deteriorating ill health. Plus you obviously care about your MIL so there is an added emotional stress. My friends know my MIL and have done for many years through attending parties, celebrations, BBQs etc at our home over the years. I would expect that they would acknowledge what was going on and ask how we were coping as i would do for them. It's basic friendship. Although often MILs on mumsnet are either considered to be the devil incarnate or complete strangers to be considered irrelevant, despised and to be ignored.

But perhaps the friend has been in touch directly with the MIL, if they’d been friends before her accident? In which case, it’s pretty unlikely she’d be ‘checking in’ on the OP.

I guess it depends on how well she knows your mil and how close you are to your mil but no I wouldn’t expect friends to do this. Obviously if I mentioned it they would ask how we were etc. but I guess if she knew through her partner a message to say hope your ok would be appreciated.

Hi OP, I think your message has been a little misinterpreted by others on here. I have some sympathy for you. I don’t think you are bothered that your BF hasn’t checked on your mother in law, but much more that she hasn't dropped you a text to check on YOU. If you are affected (ie DH or DC upset) and if you are ok. I’m pretty sure I would take 30 seconds to message BF to say “I heard about ML, must be stressful for family, thinking of you”. That is not a high bar.

This is strange, I wouldn't ask about a mother-in-law's well-being especially if you hadn't told me personally. I actually think you owe her an apology.

I think you are being harsh. 1) It's your mil not your mother 2) She already has the information via her husband who got it from your husband ( the actual person they as a couple should be supporting) and they as a couple are checking in with him. I don't think she's done anything wrong. This is about your DH and his mother not you.

Sorry OP but I wouldn’t expect my best friend to give a toss about how my MIL was, you are being ridiculous

Agree with this and similar comments.

So I asked "did she not think a text or msg would of been nice to see how everyone was getting on" comes over as unfriendly and I would not blame her for feeling that.

I don't think any of my friends would ask me about the health of my MIL. And I know this sounds harsh but if MIL is 93 it's not really shocking news that she's gone into a care home and lots of people will be dealing with similar situations... I think you've been a bit harsh as probably more a situation for your DH to discuss with his friend.

If it had been your own mother that would be very different.

In all honesty, at mid 90s a fall and care homes are to be expected, and frankly it would not even occur to me that your whole family would be terribly upset and stressed about it all. I've been there before with several grandparents and grandparents-in-law (DH and I took charge of DGIL's suddenly care home move after a massive deterioration as FIL lives on a different continent, and my DGM had several bad falls, including needing emergency surgery they did not expect her to survive due to a badly broken pelvis), and frankly neither I nor my parents needed or expected anyone to drop everything and come round to help. What help could they give? We didn't need anything, and weren't especially stressed. I doubt my friends even knew what was going on. Try caring for elderly relatives full time in your home OP, then you will feel stress and need a friend to rant to.

God no if it was your mum yes MIL probably not I mean asking would t go amiss but if they forgot I would t care

This!

some of the replies here, jeez.

I have not long been through a similar situation and all my family and friends have regularly messaged me. If she is a true friend, she should want to support you whatever is going on in her life. A message every now and again is not a hard thing to do.

Maybe it's raw with me, but I would be very upset if my friends and family didn't support me. Not expecting them to "do" anything, just message and show they care for me, and what I have been/are going through.

Like you, I always check in on my friends… during lockdown in 2020 I sent regular texts to check in on friends and family… if someone looses someone close I offer support, I offer to look after children while parents move home…. while in labour etc..

What I’ve realised over the years is that very few people share my concern and empathy for others… if I don’t text people for ages then we simply loose touch, when shit happens to me no one offers to help me…. I’ve been told my a close friend who thankfully is similar to me, that we can’t judge other peoples inactions by what we would have done in that scenario, because quite simply they aren’t us!!

I still offer support and keep in touch with people, because I’m a good person and enjoy feeling kind. I know I won’t get the same returned - but I’ve changed/lowered my expectation of others!

You need to call her if you want this relationship to work.

There can be no expectation that people messaged to ask after others they have no relationship with. She might have asked you how you were coping because presumably she cares about you, but if she was busy and thought you were too, then it's fine she hasn't messaged you.

@T1Dmama I think for a lot of people that might be a bit overwhelming, being on the receiving end. It's lovely that you offer to help with stuff but for me, having people checking in frequently that I'm OK can feel quite stifling. I love catching up with people in person or over the phone if we can't meet but getting messages just checking if I'm OK for no apparent reason is just a bit annoying. I also had a friend who, during the lockdowns, would text me at least twice a week checking that I was OK. I felt like just telling her that I'll let her know if anything was going on but she didn't need to send generic "you OK" messages. I had nothing to report. It just feels quite attention seeking rather than genuine care.

I think that if your friendships die if you don't carry on the one-way communication and checking-in then there perhaps isn't a friendship there from their end and you should probably just stop trying to keep it alive. It doesn't mean that they are a bad person and you are a good person, it just means that you are more forceful in your friendship style and they are scared to let you down.

I'd send her some flowers super quick - if you want to keep this friendship.

She may have thought to message 'IF' her hubby wasn't friends with yours (the actual child of MIL) but she would have received an update talking to her own hubby.

I hate to say it but somehow you are making this all about you.

She msged me mid December around 2 wks after the fall to thank me for her birthday present and I asked was she aware of MIL's situation - she replied she was as her husband (also my husband's best friend) had informed her.
OP, have you considered that one reason your friend hasn't contacted you might be that even though you knew she was fairly close to your MIL, you did not let her know what had happened to her, so she only found it out through her husband - as if she was not as important to your MIL as she might have thought? Then when you did bring it up, it was to rebuke her for not getting in touch, when you had not bothered to contact her so she had not "officially" been informed - and your criticism came when she politely thanked you for a present.
In that situation I have to say I would feel a bit hurt.