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Original poster

Difficult situation with friend

95 replies

redgingersocks · 19/06/2025 13:11

My MIL (93) had a bad fall late last year and after spending time in hospital, respite unit and she is now a permanent care home resident. All during this time my bestest friend has not once been in contact to check on her progress or even how we are dealing with the horrible situation.

She msged me mid December around 2 wks after the fall to thank me for her birthday present and I asked was she aware of MIL's situation - she replied she was as her husband (also my husband's best friend) had informed her. So I asked did she not think a text or msg would of been nice to see how everyone was getting on. She replied with "I've been busy with birthdays" I was astonished by her reply and said I was disappointed she couldn't find 5 mins just to drop a msg and I havent been in contact with her since, nor her with me.

I dont want to lose our friendship but still feel very angry by her attitude, I told her at the time if the tables had been turned and if it was her mum I would of been round to help like a shot.

OP posts:
abs12 · 20/06/2025 11:05

It takes under a minute to check in with someone about someone they care about. I care about my friends and therefore those who are important to them are worthy of some acknowledgement and care from me.

Your MIL is important to you, friends with your friend, so yes she should have asked after her. But maybe she's now snippy because she feels guilty? Unlkely, but trying to find a positive. She just sounds self-absorbed... Like most people these days.

Sorry OP and genuinely hope your MIL is doing okay. I can imagine it's a tough adjustment.

Teddybear23 · 20/06/2025 18:18

If it had been your own mum maybe but not your mother in law.

croydon15 · 20/06/2025 18:20

It's a little selfish l think, it doesn't cost anything to be considerate.

Saysayonara · 20/06/2025 18:23

You say you don't want to lose the friendship but it sounds like you've already lost it.

It doesn't matter that it is 'only' your MIL rather than your mother, I would expect her to show some concern about how it has affected you and offer some verbal support. You aren't expecting much of her, but she hasn't done the bare minimum.

Jerrypicker · 20/06/2025 18:27

You sound absolutely unreasonable. Why would your friend check on your MIL? Jesus wept…and you had the cheek to confront her about it like a teacher reprimands a pupil why they didn’t give in their homework? 🙄

ShortColdandGrey · 20/06/2025 18:42

The expectations some people have on here for their friends is crazy. I would not expect my best friend to ask how my MIL is. I don't blame her for not contacting you since you basically told her off because she wasn't reacting they way you wanted her to. I think if you want to keep the friendship you need to apologise for snapping at her.

GiveDogBone · 20/06/2025 19:06

It’s more a thing for her husband to take up with your husband, given it’s your husbands mother, and her husband is friends with your husband.

pineapplecrushed · 20/06/2025 19:26

YABU. I've had needy friends like you in the past and I actively try not to be friends with people who demand what they think to be appropriate responses to situations.

Prettydress · 20/06/2025 20:12

In the nicest way, you haven't checked in with her for 6 months so you have no idea what's going on in her life.

Unless she has form for being very selfish, we all get caught up in our own lives and own problems (as you have) and it's not malicious.

Reach out, life's too short. X

Koazy · 20/06/2025 20:19

No. There’s no friendship left. I wouldn’t expect anyone to make a deal about my MIL and if I got told off for not asking I’d cut your nerdy arse right off.

Thisshirtisonfire · 20/06/2025 20:19

I mean? I wouldn't expect any of my friends to ask after my MIL. Yeah if it came up in chatting maybe they would..
Personally I'd consider the health of family members to be something it would be rude to discuss unless the person brought it up themselves. Or unless someone has died of course.. but health issues are personal aren't they?
I'd find it very odd if a friend started asking me about the health status of any of my family members that they didn't personally know well. Unless I'd brought it up in conversation myself.
I dunno if I'm the wierd one here but I find you to have very exact expectations which is only ever going to cause you pain in interpersonal relationships. People are all different. Maybe she didn't want to intrude on a personal matter.. maybe to her it hadn't registered as a big deal? I mean how could she know what your feelings were or your expectations if you only communicated them after you got offended she wasn't meeting them??

Slimagain · 20/06/2025 20:39

I’m completely blindsided by the majority of these responses. The OP has made it clear that this wasn’t some unknown MIL to her best friend . She visited her.. knows her and socialised with her. In this scenario i would absolutely of picked up the phone and asked how she was /you were doing . !
you are absolutely NOT unreasonable to of expected at least a message .. but it seems that you and me (and a smattering) of other posters are not so completely self absorbed that we have the basic decency to check in with our friends when big life events occur .

I wonder at posts and responses like you have had OP.. and can’t help but wonder if they are the same posters who complain they have ‘no help with DCs at all - no family or friends to rely on.. because friendship takes a little effort. Effort they can’t be arsed to expend ?

Blogswife · 20/06/2025 20:55

When my DM was ill and subsequently died, my best friend of 25 years was very supportive however I wouldn’t expect her ask after my MIL. as she’s never met her. I’m sure she’d listen if I spoke to her about MIL but she has enough of her own problems and her own parents to worry about so I wouldn’t expect her to be concerned about a stranger

Branleuse · 20/06/2025 21:08

Slimagain · 20/06/2025 20:39

I’m completely blindsided by the majority of these responses. The OP has made it clear that this wasn’t some unknown MIL to her best friend . She visited her.. knows her and socialised with her. In this scenario i would absolutely of picked up the phone and asked how she was /you were doing . !
you are absolutely NOT unreasonable to of expected at least a message .. but it seems that you and me (and a smattering) of other posters are not so completely self absorbed that we have the basic decency to check in with our friends when big life events occur .

I wonder at posts and responses like you have had OP.. and can’t help but wonder if they are the same posters who complain they have ‘no help with DCs at all - no family or friends to rely on.. because friendship takes a little effort. Effort they can’t be arsed to expend ?

Im one of the ones who wouldn't have thought that it was my duty to message a friend about their MIL.
I actually thought the opposite. Is that why some people don't have many friends because they are demanding and needy?

CaptainFuture · 20/06/2025 21:09

*But still feel very angry by her attitude, I told her at the time if the tables had been turned and if it was her mum I would of been round to help like a shot. *
This is batshit. What 'help' did you need ?

Do you know what's going on in her life? How's her Auntie Jackie's sister's brother's boy doing?

londongirl12 · 20/06/2025 21:26

Agree with the others that it’s the husbands who have probably spoken as it’s his mother. If you haven’t spoken since December, I’d say the friendship is finished anyway unless you reach out and apologise.

Blablibladirladada · 20/06/2025 21:37

Hi op,

you need to be a very nice person but unfortunately, not everyone is as nice. I understand you are disappointed in the reality but you should try to not let it affect you too much as not so much you can do.

Vater · 20/06/2025 21:45

It wouldn’t occur to me to check on my best friend’s mother in laws well-being or the impact on my friend. My friend would tell me when she saw me what was happening.

Teasloth · 20/06/2025 22:23

Nope. Wouldn't bother me in the slightest. Most people have enough of their own crap to be dealing with

Buffs · 20/06/2025 22:23

You sound high maintenance and judgmental.

Newoxonbird · 20/06/2025 22:33

redgingersocks · 19/06/2025 13:30

Thanks for the replies obviously I called it wrong and was maybe not in the right headspace at the time. But just to clear a few points my friend is also friends with MIL she used to visit her at home and also would join us for meals out etc. There were both there to celebrate her 90th birthday so not just a MIL more of a friend

Having read this footnote I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. You'd think she'd have just taken thirty seconds to ask how things were especially as she is well acquainted with your MIL. I ask about my bestie's ill and frail MIL all the time because its stressful for her.
The way I see it....your husband's problems are also your problems.
I think people are being very hard on you.
And to just say " she'd been busy with birthdays"
Sorry . She's a cow. I wouldn't be holding out any olive branches.

YouMustBeTheWeasleys · 20/06/2025 22:55

This is the problem with people when they fall out - they think that talking about things and airing grievances is the “mature” thing to do to solve a problem like adults but a lot of the time it isn’t.

Least said soonest mended - if your priority is not losing the friendship then you feel grumpy about it for a few days on your own and get over it. Bringing it up makes everyone feel defensive and starts an argument.

The best way to solve a disagreement in my experience is to push through the awkwardness until everything feels okay again and then at some point in the future it will come up naturally in conversation and you can talk about it without the emotion. This is the best way to maintain the relationship.

We had an issue with BIL and partner recently and it was made immeasurably worse by them trying to force a dialogue about it rather than just individually deciding to get over it and move on.

betty62 · 20/06/2025 23:49

the more I read Mumsnet, the more I despair. Of course your best friend should ask how things are, whether she knew your MIL or not. When my MIL was seriously ill my husband was really upset, as was I (neither of us have the Mumsnet thing of hating our in-laws). My close friends regularly asked how things were because they care about us and knew we were stressed. I would have been the same were the situations reversed; isn’t that what friends do?

stichguru · 21/06/2025 00:02

Totally unreasonable. It's not like it's even your mum, it's your DHs. Also 93 and in a care home because of a fall at home? Like yes we would all love our parents to live to old age at home with no health problems, but to be honest having a fall at 93 isn't uncommon and being in a care home isn't uncommon. Lots of people end up in care homes because they need some support in really old age! Like, maybe it isn't like this, but when I think of a 93 year old in a care home, I think of a little old lady quietly doing what she wants with entertainment, support, meals made etc. Not like she's got aggressive cancer.

Flixon · 21/06/2025 00:05

YABU